I am highly upset, rather aggravated this morning and my spirit is vexed so I am going to make it short.
The Minister and I had this debate about two years ago and it recently came up in conversation with my girlfriend.
When you are dating or in a relationship with someone do you accept them for who they are? Or, do you accept them for who can they potentially be? Do you judge them by their current circumstances? Could you accept them on the promises that their current situation will change?
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Life, A Spectator Sport
The announcements and good news continue to flow as my girlfriend informed me last night that her and her man finally set a wedding date. I was so over joyed for her that tears came to my eyes for I know that it has been along haul for them the last few years. I really think I was more over joyed and excited than she was. :)
I sat back and thought about the past couple of years of hearing about engagements, marriages, babies on the way, and new beginnings; I began to realize that I have sat back and watched as these peoples lives have unfolded. I have seen the ups and downs...sometimes having to actually get up, help pick some one up during the downs only to go back to my seat and cheer them on to their victory.
One thing I most love is to see the people around me happy or to achieve their goals. But the most exciting part of it all is wondering who will be next??
Congrats and God's many blessings to you all.
I sat back and thought about the past couple of years of hearing about engagements, marriages, babies on the way, and new beginnings; I began to realize that I have sat back and watched as these peoples lives have unfolded. I have seen the ups and downs...sometimes having to actually get up, help pick some one up during the downs only to go back to my seat and cheer them on to their victory.
One thing I most love is to see the people around me happy or to achieve their goals. But the most exciting part of it all is wondering who will be next??
Congrats and God's many blessings to you all.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
I Really Need To...
Stop cussing. Last night I was on the phone having a nice conversation with The Minister and my sister walks into my room, aggravating me. So I slay her with a verbal azz kicking and put her and her foolishness out of my room. After she left I was like, "OH MY GOD! I am soooo sorry! Minister excuse my language". Though the Minister said it was ok I could sense him silently praying for God to deliver me from my cussing. Though we have been friends for a long time (I knew him before he become The Minister) I am still mindful not to cuss around him and I definitely don't drink around him. Needless to say I feel like I seriously violated last night and I need to make more of an effort to stop.
The other thing I need to do and this one is really a biggie (not that cussing is small) but I know I really need to start opening up a little more to my better half. There has been quite a few things going on with me that I know I may eventually have to sit down with him and talk about. Or shall I say a choice that I have to make that I may need to tell him about. There are two issues I am dealing with in regards to this, it is hard for me to open up to people and I have a belief that you cannot and sometimes should not tell your better half every thing, or at least not all at once.
I suppose this is why I am so laxed when it comes to us sharing and opening up. If he opens up to me then he is going to expect the same in return, plus I am not one to pry. I figure if some one wants to talk to me or tell me something then they will come to me and do just that so I don't press it. I am real easy going, I don't bite and I don't get violently upset. I just sit and listen and only speak on it if asked to... not every one is like that. I should say I try not to judge and for the most part I am good at not judging because folks are grown, they do what they do and so do I.
Once again, every one is not like that and in my world it kind of hurts to open up to someone and then you are met with something other than genuine understanding and support. Or, my being accused of being drama filled when in reality it is just life, which sometimes happens all at once. Not to say that is how he is but I have not really put myself out there like that with him to find out... well I kind of take that back there was one incident that happened to where I have been made to feel as though I can't really share certain things with him, so I guess that is issue number three.
I suppose I will do the usual, put it out there and then brace myself for the response.
I also need to stop procrastinating. Sometimes I can be a big procrastinator. I continuously tell myself I am going to get to it, I am going to do it and then I find myself either not doing what needs to be done or I am scrambling at the last minute trying to get thing done. This is like when I was taking English, I would write my papers an hour before class. I got excellent grades no doubt but the pressure was just a tad bit to much for me.
Right now at this moment I need to go do some work because I did not get much of that done yesterday.
I know I have a lot to work on/do but despite all of that I am just glad my life is back to its quiet state.
The other thing I need to do and this one is really a biggie (not that cussing is small) but I know I really need to start opening up a little more to my better half. There has been quite a few things going on with me that I know I may eventually have to sit down with him and talk about. Or shall I say a choice that I have to make that I may need to tell him about. There are two issues I am dealing with in regards to this, it is hard for me to open up to people and I have a belief that you cannot and sometimes should not tell your better half every thing, or at least not all at once.
I suppose this is why I am so laxed when it comes to us sharing and opening up. If he opens up to me then he is going to expect the same in return, plus I am not one to pry. I figure if some one wants to talk to me or tell me something then they will come to me and do just that so I don't press it. I am real easy going, I don't bite and I don't get violently upset. I just sit and listen and only speak on it if asked to... not every one is like that. I should say I try not to judge and for the most part I am good at not judging because folks are grown, they do what they do and so do I.
Once again, every one is not like that and in my world it kind of hurts to open up to someone and then you are met with something other than genuine understanding and support. Or, my being accused of being drama filled when in reality it is just life, which sometimes happens all at once. Not to say that is how he is but I have not really put myself out there like that with him to find out... well I kind of take that back there was one incident that happened to where I have been made to feel as though I can't really share certain things with him, so I guess that is issue number three.
I suppose I will do the usual, put it out there and then brace myself for the response.
I also need to stop procrastinating. Sometimes I can be a big procrastinator. I continuously tell myself I am going to get to it, I am going to do it and then I find myself either not doing what needs to be done or I am scrambling at the last minute trying to get thing done. This is like when I was taking English, I would write my papers an hour before class. I got excellent grades no doubt but the pressure was just a tad bit to much for me.
Right now at this moment I need to go do some work because I did not get much of that done yesterday.
I know I have a lot to work on/do but despite all of that I am just glad my life is back to its quiet state.
Monday, August 4, 2008
The Tides Are Turning...
Outside of the sound from my typing I am sitting in sheer silence. I am in what I am hoping to be a permanent state of peace. I am not sure what it was about yesterday but quite a few small little things happened to let me know that the tides are beginning to turn and things are going to start getting better from here. The fact that right now my life is quiet, exactly how I like for it to be and hopefully this is how it will stay.
I can't type anything else for I need to just sit and relish this moment.
I can't type anything else for I need to just sit and relish this moment.
Lady In The Mid Day
Here it is another Monday and I am so thankful the day is almost over. Not that I was real busy or had a butt load of work to do. I squandered most of my day walking around the office socializing.
I actually wanted to talk to people... I suppose good lovin will put you in that kind of mood. That happy, go luck mood where you walk with a smile, have a lil pep in your step with no worries or cares in the world...yeah, that was me today. Shoot, top all that with no candidate's calling me about their drug test, informing me they "can't pee no mo" and I shall label my day a good day.
Anyway, I sat down with my co worker/friend today and we had a lil "talk", just about life, relationships etc;
It is nice to talk to someone that is going to look at all sides of a situation and give their assessment with out bias. When we tell people the things they want to hear it does not help them in the slightest but it stunts their personal growth. Having people around me that tell it to me straight is something that I have always been thankful for. I have progressed a lot with in the last 4 years and being surrounded by people like that has played a large role in the progress I have made.
Through out our conversation I learned some thing about myself and he told me that there was something that I am doing that I need to stop doing. I agree but how do you stop an automatic defense mechanism that pops up at the hint of heartache being near? I mean that is serious it is almost like fight or flight...lol... I suppose it is something that I need to work on with in me.
One thing I can say for my friend is that his delivery is so gentle even when he is telling me I am wrong or if it is one of those moments where I clearing need to be gripped up and shaken like a rag doll.
There is hope... I realized today that I am not as hardened or as jaded as I thought I was. I suppose I can relax just a little bit more.
I actually wanted to talk to people... I suppose good lovin will put you in that kind of mood. That happy, go luck mood where you walk with a smile, have a lil pep in your step with no worries or cares in the world...yeah, that was me today. Shoot, top all that with no candidate's calling me about their drug test, informing me they "can't pee no mo" and I shall label my day a good day.
Anyway, I sat down with my co worker/friend today and we had a lil "talk", just about life, relationships etc;
It is nice to talk to someone that is going to look at all sides of a situation and give their assessment with out bias. When we tell people the things they want to hear it does not help them in the slightest but it stunts their personal growth. Having people around me that tell it to me straight is something that I have always been thankful for. I have progressed a lot with in the last 4 years and being surrounded by people like that has played a large role in the progress I have made.
Through out our conversation I learned some thing about myself and he told me that there was something that I am doing that I need to stop doing. I agree but how do you stop an automatic defense mechanism that pops up at the hint of heartache being near? I mean that is serious it is almost like fight or flight...lol... I suppose it is something that I need to work on with in me.
One thing I can say for my friend is that his delivery is so gentle even when he is telling me I am wrong or if it is one of those moments where I clearing need to be gripped up and shaken like a rag doll.
There is hope... I realized today that I am not as hardened or as jaded as I thought I was. I suppose I can relax just a little bit more.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Just Got So Much On My Mind...
Saturday I was out at the National Mall with the children and as we were walking along I saw a couple stretched out on a bench, cuddling one another, taking pictures of themselves and just simply being playful. Usually I would grumble something like, "get a fuckin room" but the guy looked some what like my ex husband and I began to have flashbacks of times when he and I were, happy and very much in love. It was not one of those I wish we were still together memories, that ship has sailed, crashed and sunk. It was more of remembering the feeling that came along with being loved with the same fury that you love that other person. I walked away thankful that I have had that experience, I know what it feels like to not only love but be loved.
One thing I am trying and learning to do now is savor and cherish the feelings, the moments and hold them not only in my memory bank but in my heart. One thing I promised myself was that if God ever allowed for me to have that love experience again, that I would greatly cherish, love and appreciate it and that person for the rest of my days...
Maybe I am romanticizing but I always thought that the person I am meant to be with would not ask if he could take his seat on the throne beside me but he would ease up on me and take his place, leaving me wondering, what? Dude where you come from? Oh and yeah, thanks for letting it be known that you are here, your place is next to me and we just going to do this. We stuck Babe, we stuck...LOL! I am having a serious blond day today so I am scratching my head wondering if that is exactly what happened this morning (ok, I was a lil shook too). Did my better half take his place and silently let me know? Or, has he been there all along but I never really took notice and basically reminded my ass he is there? He is not one to patronize, so I seriously doubt he was trying to pacify me, none the less I am slowly beginning to see things through a fresh pair of eyes.
I suppose when one is trying their hardest to avoid being hurt they tend to over look what is standing right in front of them. I must try to remember that love itself does not hurt, it is the person that says that they love who hurts you through what ever hurtful things they do. All in all it takes a great deal of trust. If I say that I trusted completely I would be lying but I am slowly getting to a point where my trust does not waiver.
As I mentioned above I am really having a serious blond day. I think that is a Gemini thing more than hormonal. In the midst of a blond day I process things slower (or they go over my head), my attention span is a ZERO and my memory is shot. Like the time I left the oven on for two days straight with out knowing. I was walking around my apartment wondering why the hell it was entirely to hot. For people who know me if I say I am hot then there is something seriously wrong. It was not until I went to go bake some chicken that I realized that I left the oven on for two day... those blond days are the worst days and some times they can be dangerous days. I was told that I pause before I do things well check me out on a blond day, not only will I pause but I will get seriously stuck on pause. I will be sitting there trying to figure out what the hell I was about to do, then when/ IF I remember exactly what that task was I will need another minute to do my regular pause before I get to it.
On a lighter side...
I have a fascination with volcanoes and earthquakes (pissed that I missed Dante's Peak, again). Why? I have no clue. I do know I love natural disaster movies, vampire movies (obsessed with them), werewolves movies and movies dealing with the supernatural. I get so into those movies it is like I am in a trance. I was watching Dracula the other night as I was on the phone talking to my girlfriend and thoroughly so into the movie that I had to make commentary. Yes, I sounded real crazy but my girlfriend needed to see how gangsta Dracula really was in that movie. Dracula is a mac for real. I do not know of any man that can hypnotize a women with his eyes, his charm and let him bite her on the neck; only to be running around crazy, entranced in him and hungry for blood. Then the chic is saved by the man she left for Dracula... well once you turn vampire you never go back and dude should have let her leave with Dracula. Shoot, can't turn a vampire into no house wife... see? I am entirely to into it.
I really think I have to much time on my hands sometimes...
One thing I am trying and learning to do now is savor and cherish the feelings, the moments and hold them not only in my memory bank but in my heart. One thing I promised myself was that if God ever allowed for me to have that love experience again, that I would greatly cherish, love and appreciate it and that person for the rest of my days...
Maybe I am romanticizing but I always thought that the person I am meant to be with would not ask if he could take his seat on the throne beside me but he would ease up on me and take his place, leaving me wondering, what? Dude where you come from? Oh and yeah, thanks for letting it be known that you are here, your place is next to me and we just going to do this. We stuck Babe, we stuck...LOL! I am having a serious blond day today so I am scratching my head wondering if that is exactly what happened this morning (ok, I was a lil shook too). Did my better half take his place and silently let me know? Or, has he been there all along but I never really took notice and basically reminded my ass he is there? He is not one to patronize, so I seriously doubt he was trying to pacify me, none the less I am slowly beginning to see things through a fresh pair of eyes.
I suppose when one is trying their hardest to avoid being hurt they tend to over look what is standing right in front of them. I must try to remember that love itself does not hurt, it is the person that says that they love who hurts you through what ever hurtful things they do. All in all it takes a great deal of trust. If I say that I trusted completely I would be lying but I am slowly getting to a point where my trust does not waiver.
As I mentioned above I am really having a serious blond day. I think that is a Gemini thing more than hormonal. In the midst of a blond day I process things slower (or they go over my head), my attention span is a ZERO and my memory is shot. Like the time I left the oven on for two days straight with out knowing. I was walking around my apartment wondering why the hell it was entirely to hot. For people who know me if I say I am hot then there is something seriously wrong. It was not until I went to go bake some chicken that I realized that I left the oven on for two day... those blond days are the worst days and some times they can be dangerous days. I was told that I pause before I do things well check me out on a blond day, not only will I pause but I will get seriously stuck on pause. I will be sitting there trying to figure out what the hell I was about to do, then when/ IF I remember exactly what that task was I will need another minute to do my regular pause before I get to it.
On a lighter side...
I have a fascination with volcanoes and earthquakes (pissed that I missed Dante's Peak, again). Why? I have no clue. I do know I love natural disaster movies, vampire movies (obsessed with them), werewolves movies and movies dealing with the supernatural. I get so into those movies it is like I am in a trance. I was watching Dracula the other night as I was on the phone talking to my girlfriend and thoroughly so into the movie that I had to make commentary. Yes, I sounded real crazy but my girlfriend needed to see how gangsta Dracula really was in that movie. Dracula is a mac for real. I do not know of any man that can hypnotize a women with his eyes, his charm and let him bite her on the neck; only to be running around crazy, entranced in him and hungry for blood. Then the chic is saved by the man she left for Dracula... well once you turn vampire you never go back and dude should have let her leave with Dracula. Shoot, can't turn a vampire into no house wife... see? I am entirely to into it.
I really think I have to much time on my hands sometimes...
Friday, August 1, 2008
T.G.I.F!
I am trying not to let anyone ruin the joy that I have for it being Friday but this lady aggravated me this morning . See, I take this back road to Lil Bit's daycare every day and there is this lady who drives a Honda Accord recklessly up and down the road. Yesterday as I was backing out she flew into the daycare parking lot like she did not see me backing out. Ok, heffa I am in this big arse blue truck and you clearly see I am backing up about to hit your dumb butt.
Now my first thought usually is, I have insurance, very good insurance let me hit this b*tch one good time, give her my insurance info and go on about my merry way. Then my second thought was to get out of my truck, drag her out of her car by her hair and proceed to whip that azz, but I had to repress my feelings of anger and rage as that would not have been setting a good example (along with potentially injuring Lil Bit and myself) for my child (A.K.A Tyson) who was sitting in the back seat, nor would my getting arrested for assault be good either so I dropped it.
So, this morning I am leaving the daycare and who do I see swerving on this very narrow and curvy road? Yep, that crazy azz, non driving heffa. She saw me coming and promptly pulled over so I could pass her. God is good for he knows his child, thus making people who are asking to get beat do the appropriate thing so they can avoid my being in a situation I don't need to be in. Thank you Jesus!
Anyway...
My day has been turned around. I came in this morning and my Line Sister asked me to proof read her grad school essays. As I sat and read through her essays I began to see how she has had great progress with in her professional life, considering not to long ago she made a drastic career change. I found a lot of inspiration in it thus bringing me to the point of rededicating myself to somethings that I have placed on the back burner career wise. I don't mind doing things for other people and I often do things with out any expectations of receiving anything in return; so to receive the gift of inspiration out of doing a favor was a good feeling and it made my day.
Now that I am in better spirits I am ready to enter into a weekend filled with children, friends, dinner, eventually adult conversation and adult activities then back to more children activities and everything that comes with them.
Patiently waiting for a quiet weekend.
Now my first thought usually is, I have insurance, very good insurance let me hit this b*tch one good time, give her my insurance info and go on about my merry way. Then my second thought was to get out of my truck, drag her out of her car by her hair and proceed to whip that azz, but I had to repress my feelings of anger and rage as that would not have been setting a good example (along with potentially injuring Lil Bit and myself) for my child (A.K.A Tyson) who was sitting in the back seat, nor would my getting arrested for assault be good either so I dropped it.
So, this morning I am leaving the daycare and who do I see swerving on this very narrow and curvy road? Yep, that crazy azz, non driving heffa. She saw me coming and promptly pulled over so I could pass her. God is good for he knows his child, thus making people who are asking to get beat do the appropriate thing so they can avoid my being in a situation I don't need to be in. Thank you Jesus!
Anyway...
My day has been turned around. I came in this morning and my Line Sister asked me to proof read her grad school essays. As I sat and read through her essays I began to see how she has had great progress with in her professional life, considering not to long ago she made a drastic career change. I found a lot of inspiration in it thus bringing me to the point of rededicating myself to somethings that I have placed on the back burner career wise. I don't mind doing things for other people and I often do things with out any expectations of receiving anything in return; so to receive the gift of inspiration out of doing a favor was a good feeling and it made my day.
Now that I am in better spirits I am ready to enter into a weekend filled with children, friends, dinner, eventually adult conversation and adult activities then back to more children activities and everything that comes with them.
Patiently waiting for a quiet weekend.
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