Before I begin this entry I would like to thank every one for well wishes and condolences. Though I have gotten to a point where I am emotionally ok, Lil Bit has not quite gotten there. I am literally pulling patience and tolerance from every place I can in helping her work through her little grieving process.
Moving on...
My co worker had hipped me to this semi liquid diet plan. The reason why I say semi liquid is because I actually do eat two 250 cal meals per day in addition to protein shakes. I basically consume a shake every hour and at the times I am supposed to eat, I stop and eat. So far so good considering my last meal is between 5 and 6 PM I am not hungry.
Today I called myself trying to purchase pre made salads in order to take the stress off of me having to measure, weigh etc; and what do you know?? I skimmed over the nutritional value label and ate 2 more servings than what I should have. *sigh* I should have taken a closer look...reading is really fundamental.
Anyway I am not to worried about it as the original plan requires 7, 100 calorie shakes a day in addition to the two meals... a sista can't do 7, I can only drink 5 maybe 6 so I had some extra calories to play around with.
I will be back with updates as I continue with this. In the mean time I will tell you that day one was hard eating every hour on the hour (an hour goes by fast) by the time I made it to my last meal I seriously had the itis and wanted a nice warm bed to fall asleep in. Today (Day 2) was difficult in the sense that I had things to do during the early part of the day, so running around in the snow and having to remember to drink my shakes when I should was a tad bit difficult. I may have to leave some packets and water in the car for when I am out and about.
Anyway...right now I am teetering between going back to the gym or getting a Wii Fit. Decisions, decisions, decision...
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Time...
As most of you can tell by reading my blog I am not the most social person around. I speak when I have to, will say hello to my neighbors but avoid all small talk when possible and I keep my circle of close friends rather small. When I lived in the DC area I had a lady who lived upstairs from me that sold candy out of her house. She was known as the candy lady and everyone even her family called her Candy. She was always so nice and I had no problems sitting and talking to her. I even remember she would go out of her way to buy things for the boys for Christmas and their birthday. Though she would eventually move into an apartment around the corner, she always managed to make her way on my block because that is where her aunt and her cousins lived.
I remember after I had lil bit...it was time for me to go back to work and I could not find affordable day care for anything. I was talking to one of Candy's cousins and telling her about my issue. A few hours later I get a knock on my door and Candy was standing there offering her baby sitting services to me. I thank God that she came to my door step to help me because I started my new job that Monday and I had no where to take my then 6 month old baby.
From there she went from sitter to family. She took care of my baby for all of her natural born life. She helped me with her when no one else would and she did this for 4 1/2 years. She was like a mother to both my daughter and I. Lil bit had Christmas here and at her house...the last Christmas gift consisted of a whole bunch of toys, a bike and a beta fish....times when I was sick and could not care for my baby she took her until i was well...she took really good care of me and my baby. I knew if there was no one around me that I could count on I could always count on her.
So, finding out that she had passed away is most heart breaking to me and lil bit right now. To Lil bit she was her "other mommy" and she called her mommy.It was funny how I had spoken to her last week and how we had made arrangements for me to drop Lil bit off for the weekend. I usually take Lil Bit on Friday nights but last Friday night I couldn't. I had not wash her clothes, had not packed her a bag, and I was not feeling good...Friday night...I simply just did not have the time to do everything. So we agreed I would bring her Saturday afternoon...3 AM Saturday morning I get the news that she had passed away...leaving behind an 18 year old daughter, a 4 year old little girl who loved her as a Mom and a 32 year old who desperately needed a mother and accepted her motherly love.
With everything that has gone on with the devastation in Hati, a colleague of mine having passed a few days prior to Candy my spirit is so unsettled. You think that you have time to see people and say the things that you should say but often don't. You think you have time to mend fences, extend olive branches and basically get your shit together but in essence you don't...
Though I have said thank you when dropping my child off and picking her up; I have never truly THANKED her. She was a huge part of our lives and we loved her dearly. I pray that God rests and keeps her soul for she no longer has to fight with her illness any more. She can be free to do all the things her severe asthma would not allow for her to do. I am trying to take solace in her no longer having to suffer and struggle but it is hard none the less.
I remember after I had lil bit...it was time for me to go back to work and I could not find affordable day care for anything. I was talking to one of Candy's cousins and telling her about my issue. A few hours later I get a knock on my door and Candy was standing there offering her baby sitting services to me. I thank God that she came to my door step to help me because I started my new job that Monday and I had no where to take my then 6 month old baby.
From there she went from sitter to family. She took care of my baby for all of her natural born life. She helped me with her when no one else would and she did this for 4 1/2 years. She was like a mother to both my daughter and I. Lil bit had Christmas here and at her house...the last Christmas gift consisted of a whole bunch of toys, a bike and a beta fish....times when I was sick and could not care for my baby she took her until i was well...she took really good care of me and my baby. I knew if there was no one around me that I could count on I could always count on her.
So, finding out that she had passed away is most heart breaking to me and lil bit right now. To Lil bit she was her "other mommy" and she called her mommy.It was funny how I had spoken to her last week and how we had made arrangements for me to drop Lil bit off for the weekend. I usually take Lil Bit on Friday nights but last Friday night I couldn't. I had not wash her clothes, had not packed her a bag, and I was not feeling good...Friday night...I simply just did not have the time to do everything. So we agreed I would bring her Saturday afternoon...3 AM Saturday morning I get the news that she had passed away...leaving behind an 18 year old daughter, a 4 year old little girl who loved her as a Mom and a 32 year old who desperately needed a mother and accepted her motherly love.
With everything that has gone on with the devastation in Hati, a colleague of mine having passed a few days prior to Candy my spirit is so unsettled. You think that you have time to see people and say the things that you should say but often don't. You think you have time to mend fences, extend olive branches and basically get your shit together but in essence you don't...
Though I have said thank you when dropping my child off and picking her up; I have never truly THANKED her. She was a huge part of our lives and we loved her dearly. I pray that God rests and keeps her soul for she no longer has to fight with her illness any more. She can be free to do all the things her severe asthma would not allow for her to do. I am trying to take solace in her no longer having to suffer and struggle but it is hard none the less.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Unevenly Yoked...
After Christmas came the big break up...I went into this relationship knowing that in away we were "unevenly yoked" as my girlfriend so gently puts it. What do I mean by unevenly yoked? I make more money than he does, I am in a totally different place in life emotionally, financially and my maturity level is higher. At first it seemed to be an issue because he used to tease me all the time by calling me Ms. Blackberry and at first it was ok but when he continuously referred to me by that nickname like it was my government name, it became rather irritating to say the least. I mean really if I wanted to take it there then I could have in turn referred to him as Mr. Virgin Mobile but that did not phase me so long as he could call and text me.
None the less I liked him and I was falling for him fast so I figured instead of kicking his ass to the curb or putting him in the reserve for some sex when I needed it I figured I would talk to him (ooo did my negro side just come out??). Oh yeah we talked... I quickly learned he was more worried about what others thought and the image that was project opposed to what was underneath the surface. He was concerning himself with my male friends and previous loves who had pretty descent jobs and thought they could woo me back with that alone. Not. They treated me like shit, so how am I going to be wooed back to some one who treated me like shit? How shallow and superficial of a person did he think I really was?
Anyway, as time progressed his funds were always questionable but it was never a big deal to me because if I ate he ate. But to him I was always "paying for everything" and he was just tired of my "paying for everything" every time we went out or buying my own drinks for when I would stay at his house...a sistah cannot live on apple juice alone. In the end I suppose it was entirely to much for him and the soft speech he gave me about how I should not have to pay for anything and he is the man and I need a man that is going to care of me and take care of things over all became a loud scream when he suggested that we part so he can focus and get himself together. Just ugh! I can't knock him for making the choice that he had made and had he of spoken to me I would have gladly stepped out of his way...oh wait, wait a minute let me rethink this... he said, he don't know what he want and I said ok then I am going to let you go and figure that shit out.
None the less I am back to the same place I started, by myself. I suppose that is ok, since I purchased a Dooney bag and an IPod I feel better. According to him that is what "ritzy" type of people do. *roll eyes*
None the less I liked him and I was falling for him fast so I figured instead of kicking his ass to the curb or putting him in the reserve for some sex when I needed it I figured I would talk to him (ooo did my negro side just come out??). Oh yeah we talked... I quickly learned he was more worried about what others thought and the image that was project opposed to what was underneath the surface. He was concerning himself with my male friends and previous loves who had pretty descent jobs and thought they could woo me back with that alone. Not. They treated me like shit, so how am I going to be wooed back to some one who treated me like shit? How shallow and superficial of a person did he think I really was?
Anyway, as time progressed his funds were always questionable but it was never a big deal to me because if I ate he ate. But to him I was always "paying for everything" and he was just tired of my "paying for everything" every time we went out or buying my own drinks for when I would stay at his house...a sistah cannot live on apple juice alone. In the end I suppose it was entirely to much for him and the soft speech he gave me about how I should not have to pay for anything and he is the man and I need a man that is going to care of me and take care of things over all became a loud scream when he suggested that we part so he can focus and get himself together. Just ugh! I can't knock him for making the choice that he had made and had he of spoken to me I would have gladly stepped out of his way...oh wait, wait a minute let me rethink this... he said, he don't know what he want and I said ok then I am going to let you go and figure that shit out.
None the less I am back to the same place I started, by myself. I suppose that is ok, since I purchased a Dooney bag and an IPod I feel better. According to him that is what "ritzy" type of people do. *roll eyes*
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Commencement...
One of my readers had brought to my attention that I did not blog about my graduation ceremony on Saturday and wanted to know why? I am not sure why I neglected to blog about it ...oh yeah I know why. It just was not on my mind to blog about it because the day, the whole weekend itself was hustle and bustle on the go all the time.
I had "issues" getting to the ceremony on Saturday. What should have been a 20 minute trip turned into a 45 minute trip. So after getting lost (took the wrong exit) and finally getting back on the right street I ended up sitting in traffic. A combination of road construction and people trying to get into the parking garages so they could get into the ceremony I was stuck. I did the next best thing, I changed into my cap, gown and stole in the car...oh yeah and I started praying. I was so close to tears because I knew the processional had already started and I did not come all this way not to walk.
Once I finally parked and ran to the arena I got in and they were looking for last minute graduates so they could get people lined up and onto the arena floor. I got to the entrance to the arena floor and found out my degree program had already went in and was seated. I almost lost it until a man on the commencement staff came and introduced himself as frat and vowed to help his soror out(thank God for frat brothers who have a heart for sorors with tears in their eyes), well he got me seated then we sat for what would be a long ass time of speeches; telling us to not stop here at this point move up and move on but come back and work for the school, whah, whah , whah. I spent 14 years working on this and now I am done please, oh please give me my paper??
Anyway... I walked. I was happy. Some sorors of both my sororities walked as well and I hollered for them as they did for me. Afterward I saw my family we took pictures, Sorors stopped by to congratulate me, the kids and I went out to eat and I went home to sleep because I was tired.
Now... I am trying to figure out where do I go from here now that I am done. I need to figure some thing out because one can't take a break when they are on the road to world domination. *evil laughter* Just kidding...maybe, maybe not. >:-)
I had "issues" getting to the ceremony on Saturday. What should have been a 20 minute trip turned into a 45 minute trip. So after getting lost (took the wrong exit) and finally getting back on the right street I ended up sitting in traffic. A combination of road construction and people trying to get into the parking garages so they could get into the ceremony I was stuck. I did the next best thing, I changed into my cap, gown and stole in the car...oh yeah and I started praying. I was so close to tears because I knew the processional had already started and I did not come all this way not to walk.
Once I finally parked and ran to the arena I got in and they were looking for last minute graduates so they could get people lined up and onto the arena floor. I got to the entrance to the arena floor and found out my degree program had already went in and was seated. I almost lost it until a man on the commencement staff came and introduced himself as frat and vowed to help his soror out(thank God for frat brothers who have a heart for sorors with tears in their eyes), well he got me seated then we sat for what would be a long ass time of speeches; telling us to not stop here at this point move up and move on but come back and work for the school, whah, whah , whah. I spent 14 years working on this and now I am done please, oh please give me my paper??
Anyway... I walked. I was happy. Some sorors of both my sororities walked as well and I hollered for them as they did for me. Afterward I saw my family we took pictures, Sorors stopped by to congratulate me, the kids and I went out to eat and I went home to sleep because I was tired.
Now... I am trying to figure out where do I go from here now that I am done. I need to figure some thing out because one can't take a break when they are on the road to world domination. *evil laughter* Just kidding...maybe, maybe not. >:-)
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Marriage.
A few weeks ago I was having a text conversation with El in which he asked me, "What do I have to do to get you to marry me?" Wow, that was a real loaded question and it is coming rather soon in the relationship...but I guess if he feels that strongly then he just feels that strongly. We will see what happens next summer when we have both settled into the relationship fully and our flaws are rearing their ugly heads.
Anyway...
This relationship is making me realize that there are additional areas within myself that I need to work on, which is fine. So I figured I would subject you all to my real thoughts and feelings about subjects like marriage.
No, this is not an anti marriage post. I have always been pro marriage but I have to admit that I fear marriage and what comes with it. My first marriage did not leave a real good impression on me. Not because of what he or I did or said to each other but because of how I was feeling during the marriage. I felt as though my growth and my identity began and ended with marriage. It was stunted, it was like, MARRIAGE. Then when the kids came it was like, MARRIAGE, PARENT. In away it just felt like life stopped after the I dos and the kids and it had no other choice but to begin after the divorce because I was starting over again in every way.
I have actually processed what I am feeling and as a person I have changed. I am beginning to realize that marriage in itself does not make up my identity nor does it make up who I am as a person completely; it would be a part of many things that make up my identity...I get that but allowing myself to move past the fear of my identity, my life stopping at you may kiss the bride is what I know I need to work past. Thank goodness I have time to work through it but it is still hard.
Anyway...
This relationship is making me realize that there are additional areas within myself that I need to work on, which is fine. So I figured I would subject you all to my real thoughts and feelings about subjects like marriage.
No, this is not an anti marriage post. I have always been pro marriage but I have to admit that I fear marriage and what comes with it. My first marriage did not leave a real good impression on me. Not because of what he or I did or said to each other but because of how I was feeling during the marriage. I felt as though my growth and my identity began and ended with marriage. It was stunted, it was like, MARRIAGE. Then when the kids came it was like, MARRIAGE, PARENT. In away it just felt like life stopped after the I dos and the kids and it had no other choice but to begin after the divorce because I was starting over again in every way.
I have actually processed what I am feeling and as a person I have changed. I am beginning to realize that marriage in itself does not make up my identity nor does it make up who I am as a person completely; it would be a part of many things that make up my identity...I get that but allowing myself to move past the fear of my identity, my life stopping at you may kiss the bride is what I know I need to work past. Thank goodness I have time to work through it but it is still hard.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Cupid's Arrow...
Ok, I have to admit that chubby lil bastard got me with his arrow. Over the last few years I have spent time and energy perfecting my nonchalant attitude, being ok with not having a man or dating any one, controlling the level of my feelings for some one and just when my back was turned he shot me...now I am in love.
Who would have thought a few months ago after being stood up by ABB and walking into a fine wine store to purchase a bottle of Riesling would get to the point of a serious and very loving relationship? When people would tell me that it will come when you least expect it or when you are not looking for it; I used to roll my eyes and fight off the urge to tell them to get out of my face with that shit. Ehhhh well I guess they all made sense because that is exactly what happened.
A few months ago ABB and I had made plans to get together. He canceled on me at the last minute claiming he had to "work", so with my having dropped my daughter off to the sitter I had plenty of time on my hands. I was on the phone with my girlfriend who suggested that I stop and get a bottle of wine. Hell not much else to do, so why not enjoy the evening with some alcohol?
The store was big as hell...think of your local grocery store except it is full of any and every kind of wine and liquor you could ever dream of. I walked in and we locked eyes, I smile said hello and went about by business all the while whispering into the phone to my girlfriend about how fine this man looked. As I wandered around lost he offered his assistance, I told him what I was looking for and he took me right to it. We had conversation and he was inquiring about whether I was drinking alone that night(but of course I was drinking alone) he then asked me for my number. We talked on the phone and agreed upon a day to go out on our first date...that was one of the most perfect dates I have ever been on; movies, lunch and a trip to the National Harbor...absolutely perfect.
Now months later we are actually starting to settle down into the relationship, the shine of the new penny has worn off but it is ok...that was bound to happen. I found that I am allowing myself to do things that I other wise would not allow for myself to freely do, like think about building a life/strong relationship with some one and actually place energy into doing that, allowing someone to meet my children or bringing some one home to meet the family...LOL!
He came home with me for the Thanksgiving holiday. My family is harsh and I know off the bat that there were some men that I have dated that I could not take home to them, so for many years I have never really put much energy or emphasis in some one coming to meet the family. I mean seriously that is big for me and they know this. He fit in just fine and my family loves him. :) The kids love him and surprisingly even my ex hubby and his wife (his biggest supporter) like him. Needless to say so far so good. :)
Who would have thought a few months ago after being stood up by ABB and walking into a fine wine store to purchase a bottle of Riesling would get to the point of a serious and very loving relationship? When people would tell me that it will come when you least expect it or when you are not looking for it; I used to roll my eyes and fight off the urge to tell them to get out of my face with that shit. Ehhhh well I guess they all made sense because that is exactly what happened.
A few months ago ABB and I had made plans to get together. He canceled on me at the last minute claiming he had to "work", so with my having dropped my daughter off to the sitter I had plenty of time on my hands. I was on the phone with my girlfriend who suggested that I stop and get a bottle of wine. Hell not much else to do, so why not enjoy the evening with some alcohol?
The store was big as hell...think of your local grocery store except it is full of any and every kind of wine and liquor you could ever dream of. I walked in and we locked eyes, I smile said hello and went about by business all the while whispering into the phone to my girlfriend about how fine this man looked. As I wandered around lost he offered his assistance, I told him what I was looking for and he took me right to it. We had conversation and he was inquiring about whether I was drinking alone that night(but of course I was drinking alone) he then asked me for my number. We talked on the phone and agreed upon a day to go out on our first date...that was one of the most perfect dates I have ever been on; movies, lunch and a trip to the National Harbor...absolutely perfect.
Now months later we are actually starting to settle down into the relationship, the shine of the new penny has worn off but it is ok...that was bound to happen. I found that I am allowing myself to do things that I other wise would not allow for myself to freely do, like think about building a life/strong relationship with some one and actually place energy into doing that, allowing someone to meet my children or bringing some one home to meet the family...LOL!
He came home with me for the Thanksgiving holiday. My family is harsh and I know off the bat that there were some men that I have dated that I could not take home to them, so for many years I have never really put much energy or emphasis in some one coming to meet the family. I mean seriously that is big for me and they know this. He fit in just fine and my family loves him. :) The kids love him and surprisingly even my ex hubby and his wife (his biggest supporter) like him. Needless to say so far so good. :)
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
The Art Of Gift Giving,,,
I know it is mid day and I should be working but for some reason I had this blog burning in my mind so I figured getting it off of my mind will help me concentrate on the task that I am paid to do.
Any way I look at gift giving to be an art and in some respects a competition. There is nothing like setting out to find the perfect gift that fits the personality of the person you are buying the gift for. Most important is the expression on their face when they open it and how it stands up to other gifts that were given.
So my daughter turned 4 a few weeks ago and I was so looking forward to seeing her face as she opened up her gifts...I should say I was looking forward to my face at seeing all the clothes that she was gifted and thinking about all the money I was saving because it was less clothing I would have to buy for a child who is constantly growing out of her clothes.
My daughter was excited and over joyed at the toys she got, she was cool on the clothes unless they had sequence or glitter on them but for the most part she had an expression of "what ever" on her face. As I was going through all the clothes she got for her birthday I noticed that one of the shirts she was given had a name written on the tag in marker. I did not think anything of it at first because I know when my Granny buys clothes for the little kids she writes their names on the tags so she knows who she bought it as there are so many of us. Anyway, I went on to wash the shirt with out further inspection of it. As I took the shirt out of the dryer to my surprise the shirt had been soiled and what ever it was soiled with left a really large stain.
Ok, really? The rules of gift giving and re-gifting have been broken and shattered for me at this point because my child was given a soiled shirt that clearly belong to and was worn by some one else. Granted I am not one to dictate what to give as a gift but I FEEL that soiled (dare I say used clothing)should not be it. Oh and mind you when it was their daughter's birthday I went to Old Navy and hooked that lil one up but I digress. Sooo, one night last week at 1 AM in the morning I get a knock on my door and who was it? The giver of soiled clothing wanting to know if Lil Bit liked the clothes they gave her and wanting to know if they fit...
Being tired and bogged down with getting as much done as I could being as though I had to wake up early that morning I was diplomatic and quickly ended the conversation... well I am feeling ignorant today and as I begin the process of writing out my thank you cards I figured I would write something special in thanks to them but for the life of me I can't quite figure out what to write. I figured it would be along the lines of thank for the soiled shirt that you gave Lil Bit for her birthday it will proudly sit in her cubby at school for her to wear in the instance she accidentally soils herself at school, I will be sure to take pics and send them to you as a token of our appreciation, THANK YOU! :)
Hmmmm... maybe I will take the high road on this one... then again I am rather unpredictable I guess it will depend on how I feel when I actually sit down to write the note.
Any way I look at gift giving to be an art and in some respects a competition. There is nothing like setting out to find the perfect gift that fits the personality of the person you are buying the gift for. Most important is the expression on their face when they open it and how it stands up to other gifts that were given.
So my daughter turned 4 a few weeks ago and I was so looking forward to seeing her face as she opened up her gifts...I should say I was looking forward to my face at seeing all the clothes that she was gifted and thinking about all the money I was saving because it was less clothing I would have to buy for a child who is constantly growing out of her clothes.
My daughter was excited and over joyed at the toys she got, she was cool on the clothes unless they had sequence or glitter on them but for the most part she had an expression of "what ever" on her face. As I was going through all the clothes she got for her birthday I noticed that one of the shirts she was given had a name written on the tag in marker. I did not think anything of it at first because I know when my Granny buys clothes for the little kids she writes their names on the tags so she knows who she bought it as there are so many of us. Anyway, I went on to wash the shirt with out further inspection of it. As I took the shirt out of the dryer to my surprise the shirt had been soiled and what ever it was soiled with left a really large stain.
Ok, really? The rules of gift giving and re-gifting have been broken and shattered for me at this point because my child was given a soiled shirt that clearly belong to and was worn by some one else. Granted I am not one to dictate what to give as a gift but I FEEL that soiled (dare I say used clothing)should not be it. Oh and mind you when it was their daughter's birthday I went to Old Navy and hooked that lil one up but I digress. Sooo, one night last week at 1 AM in the morning I get a knock on my door and who was it? The giver of soiled clothing wanting to know if Lil Bit liked the clothes they gave her and wanting to know if they fit...
Being tired and bogged down with getting as much done as I could being as though I had to wake up early that morning I was diplomatic and quickly ended the conversation... well I am feeling ignorant today and as I begin the process of writing out my thank you cards I figured I would write something special in thanks to them but for the life of me I can't quite figure out what to write. I figured it would be along the lines of thank for the soiled shirt that you gave Lil Bit for her birthday it will proudly sit in her cubby at school for her to wear in the instance she accidentally soils herself at school, I will be sure to take pics and send them to you as a token of our appreciation, THANK YOU! :)
Hmmmm... maybe I will take the high road on this one... then again I am rather unpredictable I guess it will depend on how I feel when I actually sit down to write the note.
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