I Have A Question...

That needs some form of an answer. What would make one label a man a bitch? Or, how can you tell a man has bitch tendencies?

A few months ago I was having a conversation with a coworker about a man that was in my inner circle and he said, "he's *cough* bitch made *cough*" now normally when men say that I think they are just hating but after some things I have seen I am beginning to wonder if there is such thing as a bitch made man. What does a man have to do to get the bitch made label?

That's all for tonight, I may take a sabatical I have somethings to focus on so who knows if, when or how long I will be gone.

A Dude Nicknamed Mickey...

Thanksgiving was not ruined but it was tough getting through. Dealing with a sick three year old who I ended up having to take to urgent care after she threw a crying fit for over an hour due to a double ear infection was not the business. I had zero energy to deal with her being extra due to being sick.

I can honestly say my mind has not been all here as of late. My migraines are kicking harder than ever, my level of sadness has increased, nausea has invaded my stomach and I have been feeling faint. It was not due to anything I ate or didn't eat and my sadness was not created by my SAD, I am just trying to work through the hurt feelings thanks to this dude nick named Mickey.

I could go into the ins and outs of our relationship but it is too much to long (plus I have already written about it before) and at this moment I am fine but bottom line I am confused, lost and hurt. No sure what is what or up, down and around. Still don't get how he could say with confidence that he loves me and then... never mind at this point it is neither here nor there.

He left me to make a choice that should not be made by one but two. I swear it feels like February 2005 all over again. Oh well suppose I will do what I have to do and move on from here... will we/I ever get it right?

Splitting Hairs...

It all started off as a simple after church visit to my Granny's house yesterday, she inquired about my Dad and how he was doing. I told her the usual, he's ok but looks tired then I was blind sided by her next question, "You know they found a spot on his lung?"

Ok in my head I was like WTF?! When he told me that all his tests came back fine I KNEW there was something funny about the conversation because he called me right back after we had just gotten off the phone with some randomness then rambled off about his test results and scurried off the phone.


So, the look of a lost little girl came upon my face, my Granny keeps on talking escalating the situation and my Grandfather is in the kitchen with the phone in hand hollering for my Dad's phone number because he wants to talk to him and find out what is going on. I'm trying not to get upset because he failed to tell me this. I mentioned all of this to my girlfriend who was like just ask him. Well, that could happen if he would stop ducking me. Dad, stop ducking me man!

This evening he and my sister came into my room to see Lil Bit and I immediately dropped everything I was doing and asked about this "spot" they found on his lung. My sister was shocked as she did not know of this either and we got at him. Though it is just a nodule on his lung he was like, "I said no cancer". Ok yeah we give you that but you could have at least told us they found something that needs to be watched. I mean dang, I never knew there would come a point where the child has to get after the parent.

I have always said that if I were to find out I had a terminal illness I would only tell three people, my Dad, my girlfriend and my ex husband; after this I am beginning to rethink that stance because it is not a good feeling to get blind sided by stuff like that. Yet and still as I always say give my flowers now while I am here not after I go home to be with the Lord.

Very thankful to God I am for him being healthy but I am tired, with running after kids and parents that is just too much, just too much I am going to go relax my nerves.

Feeling Some Kind of Way...

For the last week something someone did has been bothering me and since the person is to cowardly to even utter a word to me, it makes it kind of hard to tell them that essentially they really hurt me. I am not sure if it is even hurt as I cannot explain what I am feeling I suppose it is that mixture of hurt and anger that is slowly growing into an uncontrollable rage as the moments pass, with each memory of the conversations that were had, the promises that were made and broken along with their actions and/or lack of action.

I seriously debated on writing about it because I just don't think he is worth the time it takes to write and edit an entry but I still can't ignore that I am feeling the way I am feeling about it. Granted, not sure if I can put it all on him... maybe I may have played a part in it, but hell how am I to know if a conversation has not taken place?

As with most complex things I am just trying to understand the actions of this man. If some one gives you an opportunity to speak your mind honestly and allows for you to opt out of any situation with out drama then would you not take it? Opposed to doing something under handed, sneaky, straight ignorant and trifling to some one that you supposedly have some kind of feeling for?? I guess it is possible for people to act like they have feelings or to even fake like they love or have love for some one. Still I just don't understand why one would go through all of that when someone has handed you the easy way out of the situation by telling the truth and then using the door? Why play games? Why not act like an adult and be grown about yours?

I realized this weekend that I have a lot of anger inside of me and for me to have to strongly resist the urge to go to his house and knee him in his nuts, kick the isht out of him and stomp him is outside of my character and over all gentle nature. I hate the fact that this has even effected me this bad and in this manner.

Ahhhh maybe is not meant for me to figure out nor understand, maybe it is something that just is. Still would like some form of closure. Ahhh hell I am going to go get some hot cocoa.

Ash Be Gone and Psychic Abilities

I took my daughter to B & BW tonight to pick out some lotion for her self in hopes that she will actually use it. They only had three scents and we picked blueberry and bubble gum, I allowed for her to get some lip chap, bubble bath and spray. She was so excited when she got out of the tub she volunteered to put the lotion on herself. :) No more ashy kid. :)

Anyway...

My girlfriend posted a survey on our message board called four things and one of the questions was, "what four things are you looking forward to happen next year?" one of my girlfriends said that she was looking forward to me buying a house next year. Now usually when some one makes a statement or speaks over my life in that manner I immediately think about how things are now and water it down or make a snide remark like, "that would take a miracle from God to happen." but this time the comment was well received. She is awaiting to see if her prediction comes true. LOL!

I began to realize that people tend to see things in me that I don't see or they actually in fact pay attention to things. Most times I go about my every day life as if I am in my own little world. I really don't stop to think that people actually notice or pay attention to me as much as they do.
A few years ago I ran into some one I used to go to school with. We were never friends, never spoke, had a few classes together but for the most part we were just two ships passing in the night. As I spoke to him, I asked him if he attended Springbrook and he said, "Yes I did and I remember you. I will never forget your smile."

I try to remember that when ever I get to thinking or feeling as though no one pays attention to me... for all I know some one could very well be watching my every move, really learning me or reading this here blog and learning my ways through my thoughts... Ok, now that just creeped me the hell out. I am going to be looking over my shoulder for a few months.

Turn The Lights On!

So, I have been operating only on soft light flowing from my Ikea lamp that I bought months ago as to avoid the bright lights in my office; they were making my left eye twitching worse. Since JazzBrew, thanks man, provided me with a link on SAD I figured I would try turning the lights on.

I have two sets of lights in my office. Not quite sure if it is natural light or florescent lighting but what ever it it, it is for damn sure bright and I have my lamp on as well. I have been sitting here with all the lights on for the last two hours and I don't necessarily feel the level of sadness that I was feeling before. I still don't feel like eating anything and I still don't feel like talking to or having contact with people at this time. Maybe that will change the more I sit in the light.

I swear I turned those lights on and it felt light a surge went through my eyes. I almost fell out in my office (wouldn't that have been funny?) those damn lights were so bright. I am a little more productive then I have been the last week or two, I suppose that is a good thing.

It is all beginning to make sense and I understand why I had it bad last year as I was literally sitting in the dark at my old job, on top of the stress and pressure I was enduring... yeah I was a woman on the edge.

Anyway...

I am trying to figure out what to do. My daughter does not like lotion. She does not like to use it, she does not even like to see the lotion bottle coming her way. I have tried everything to get her to put on lotion and she screams, fights and cries. Mind you she has been standing firm in protest since she heard my girlfriend say light skin people don't need lotion. Y'ALL get ASHY too! LOL!

At this point it is cold, the air is dry and she looks like a chicken that has been lightly coated in flour. I was thinking about taking her to Bath & Body Works and allowing her to pick out a lotion and a spray for herself (they have stuff for kids) and seeing if she would be more apt to use it since she went and picked it out herself. But my only hesitation is that the girl is all of 3 and I don't want to start doing things that are not age appropriate for her. Plus B&BW gets rather pricey.

I would take her to Walmart and be like here is the lotion section we are going to get this and you are going to use it. But the other part is afraid that if I take that stance she will be so turned off by lotion she may spend the rest of her life walking around looking like she was coated in flour.

Winter Blues...

I really think I need to invest in a Sun lamp. I am beginning to feel the blues and I noticed my mood had taken a turn for the worse as the time shifted. When I leave home in the morning the sun is out shining bright but I spend all of 45 mins to an hour in the sun only to be chained to my desk all day long; by the time I leave work it is dark.

I noticed a shift in my mood the same time last year but I thought it was due to the fact that I felt trapped in a highly stressful job, where all of my hard work was unappreciated. Now that my job is not as stressful I get all the appreciation in the world, I am still feeling blue.

I need my sun, I need my vitamin D. I wonder if I took Vitamin D supplements would that make is so I won't have to spend the money on a Sun lamp???? Yeah, I am a thrifty person and that will save me from having to buy one for the office and home. :)

In addition, I have made an appointment to see a therapist, outside of the winter blues I realized that I have some thing I need to work through and I need to break out of some dysfunctional habits i.e. throwing myself into my work to avoid (insert what ever here). I have also found that I am a whole lot more angrier than usual. Normally I am not an angry person, I am rather slow to anger, but when I get to that point then it is like an outer body experience and I have no recollection of the things I do when I am in that state. I can feel myself welling up to that point and I need to nip it in the bud before I snap.

... I make it a point to listen to gospel music while I am driving. That is my time to do my prayer, praise etc; plus it keeps me calm so normally I am oblivious to others driving around me. I know the other day some one jumped in front of me and then had nerve to slow down and drive at 30 miles per hour in a 40 zone... at that point I turned the Kirk Franklin down and I mean way down and snapped off... yeah, yeah I need to see some one regularly, anger management, something.