Feeling Some Kind of Way...

For the last week something someone did has been bothering me and since the person is to cowardly to even utter a word to me, it makes it kind of hard to tell them that essentially they really hurt me. I am not sure if it is even hurt as I cannot explain what I am feeling I suppose it is that mixture of hurt and anger that is slowly growing into an uncontrollable rage as the moments pass, with each memory of the conversations that were had, the promises that were made and broken along with their actions and/or lack of action.

I seriously debated on writing about it because I just don't think he is worth the time it takes to write and edit an entry but I still can't ignore that I am feeling the way I am feeling about it. Granted, not sure if I can put it all on him... maybe I may have played a part in it, but hell how am I to know if a conversation has not taken place?

As with most complex things I am just trying to understand the actions of this man. If some one gives you an opportunity to speak your mind honestly and allows for you to opt out of any situation with out drama then would you not take it? Opposed to doing something under handed, sneaky, straight ignorant and trifling to some one that you supposedly have some kind of feeling for?? I guess it is possible for people to act like they have feelings or to even fake like they love or have love for some one. Still I just don't understand why one would go through all of that when someone has handed you the easy way out of the situation by telling the truth and then using the door? Why play games? Why not act like an adult and be grown about yours?

I realized this weekend that I have a lot of anger inside of me and for me to have to strongly resist the urge to go to his house and knee him in his nuts, kick the isht out of him and stomp him is outside of my character and over all gentle nature. I hate the fact that this has even effected me this bad and in this manner.

Ahhhh maybe is not meant for me to figure out nor understand, maybe it is something that just is. Still would like some form of closure. Ahhh hell I am going to go get some hot cocoa.

Ash Be Gone and Psychic Abilities

I took my daughter to B & BW tonight to pick out some lotion for her self in hopes that she will actually use it. They only had three scents and we picked blueberry and bubble gum, I allowed for her to get some lip chap, bubble bath and spray. She was so excited when she got out of the tub she volunteered to put the lotion on herself. :) No more ashy kid. :)

Anyway...

My girlfriend posted a survey on our message board called four things and one of the questions was, "what four things are you looking forward to happen next year?" one of my girlfriends said that she was looking forward to me buying a house next year. Now usually when some one makes a statement or speaks over my life in that manner I immediately think about how things are now and water it down or make a snide remark like, "that would take a miracle from God to happen." but this time the comment was well received. She is awaiting to see if her prediction comes true. LOL!

I began to realize that people tend to see things in me that I don't see or they actually in fact pay attention to things. Most times I go about my every day life as if I am in my own little world. I really don't stop to think that people actually notice or pay attention to me as much as they do.
A few years ago I ran into some one I used to go to school with. We were never friends, never spoke, had a few classes together but for the most part we were just two ships passing in the night. As I spoke to him, I asked him if he attended Springbrook and he said, "Yes I did and I remember you. I will never forget your smile."

I try to remember that when ever I get to thinking or feeling as though no one pays attention to me... for all I know some one could very well be watching my every move, really learning me or reading this here blog and learning my ways through my thoughts... Ok, now that just creeped me the hell out. I am going to be looking over my shoulder for a few months.

Turn The Lights On!

So, I have been operating only on soft light flowing from my Ikea lamp that I bought months ago as to avoid the bright lights in my office; they were making my left eye twitching worse. Since JazzBrew, thanks man, provided me with a link on SAD I figured I would try turning the lights on.

I have two sets of lights in my office. Not quite sure if it is natural light or florescent lighting but what ever it it, it is for damn sure bright and I have my lamp on as well. I have been sitting here with all the lights on for the last two hours and I don't necessarily feel the level of sadness that I was feeling before. I still don't feel like eating anything and I still don't feel like talking to or having contact with people at this time. Maybe that will change the more I sit in the light.

I swear I turned those lights on and it felt light a surge went through my eyes. I almost fell out in my office (wouldn't that have been funny?) those damn lights were so bright. I am a little more productive then I have been the last week or two, I suppose that is a good thing.

It is all beginning to make sense and I understand why I had it bad last year as I was literally sitting in the dark at my old job, on top of the stress and pressure I was enduring... yeah I was a woman on the edge.

Anyway...

I am trying to figure out what to do. My daughter does not like lotion. She does not like to use it, she does not even like to see the lotion bottle coming her way. I have tried everything to get her to put on lotion and she screams, fights and cries. Mind you she has been standing firm in protest since she heard my girlfriend say light skin people don't need lotion. Y'ALL get ASHY too! LOL!

At this point it is cold, the air is dry and she looks like a chicken that has been lightly coated in flour. I was thinking about taking her to Bath & Body Works and allowing her to pick out a lotion and a spray for herself (they have stuff for kids) and seeing if she would be more apt to use it since she went and picked it out herself. But my only hesitation is that the girl is all of 3 and I don't want to start doing things that are not age appropriate for her. Plus B&BW gets rather pricey.

I would take her to Walmart and be like here is the lotion section we are going to get this and you are going to use it. But the other part is afraid that if I take that stance she will be so turned off by lotion she may spend the rest of her life walking around looking like she was coated in flour.

Winter Blues...

I really think I need to invest in a Sun lamp. I am beginning to feel the blues and I noticed my mood had taken a turn for the worse as the time shifted. When I leave home in the morning the sun is out shining bright but I spend all of 45 mins to an hour in the sun only to be chained to my desk all day long; by the time I leave work it is dark.

I noticed a shift in my mood the same time last year but I thought it was due to the fact that I felt trapped in a highly stressful job, where all of my hard work was unappreciated. Now that my job is not as stressful I get all the appreciation in the world, I am still feeling blue.

I need my sun, I need my vitamin D. I wonder if I took Vitamin D supplements would that make is so I won't have to spend the money on a Sun lamp???? Yeah, I am a thrifty person and that will save me from having to buy one for the office and home. :)

In addition, I have made an appointment to see a therapist, outside of the winter blues I realized that I have some thing I need to work through and I need to break out of some dysfunctional habits i.e. throwing myself into my work to avoid (insert what ever here). I have also found that I am a whole lot more angrier than usual. Normally I am not an angry person, I am rather slow to anger, but when I get to that point then it is like an outer body experience and I have no recollection of the things I do when I am in that state. I can feel myself welling up to that point and I need to nip it in the bud before I snap.

... I make it a point to listen to gospel music while I am driving. That is my time to do my prayer, praise etc; plus it keeps me calm so normally I am oblivious to others driving around me. I know the other day some one jumped in front of me and then had nerve to slow down and drive at 30 miles per hour in a 40 zone... at that point I turned the Kirk Franklin down and I mean way down and snapped off... yeah, yeah I need to see some one regularly, anger management, something.

Hoping It Stays Like This...

For the last few weeks my daughter has been asking for her Daddy. I figured she started asking because she sees the other kids at school with their Dads and I am quite sure they talk about them, so I figured she would eventually stop. Well, she did not stop asking so I reached out to her Dad, he called and talked to him. The way her face lit up when she heard his voice warmed my heart and almost brought tears to my eyes because I was happy to see he was being responsive to her.

Still, that was one conversation after almost a year of him and I not speaking therefore him not speaking to or seeing her. I reached out to him this Sunday so she could talk to him. She was happy but very busy getting into all kinds of mess so she was not much in the mood for conversation then he told her to put me back on the phone. We talked for about an hour and to my surprise we were actually civil with one another. No fighting, no cussing, no fussing or arguing. I learned that I had changed in many ways because there were quite a few things he had said that made me bite my tongue and move on to something else; I have learned to choose my battles wisely.

I am hoping and praying he and I can continue to stay civil with one another. I know he is some one that does not bring out the best parts of me and I have learned to control my anger, emotions etc; when it comes to dealing with him. Though all seems like we are getting along well I am still going to keep an eye out for a few things as we always start off like this then things go from sugar to isht. Ok, I am going to try to stay optimistic about it all. Hopefully the care that we both have for Lil Bit and for one another will hold it all together.

But... one thing I don't think I will ever understand is how some one can hurt you to your core but will be ready to beat the hell out of someone that even slightly thinks in their mind of doing you harm???

Proceed With Caution...Monday Ventilation

A few months ago I met a man who also happens to be my co worker. He is cool and real easy to talk to and over all we had no issues, until he started to express interest in me. Now, I have laxed on the don't date where you work rule slightly so him and I working together is not the issue in the slightest, my main issue with the whole pursuit of me is that dude is married.

In the blog entry prior to this I mentioned that I would have to get some one straight which could result in the loss of a friendship and he is the very person I was talking about. He and I spoke briefly over the weekend, he invited me out to dinner since my plans fell through and I said "No." As the conversation went on he made a rather abrasive comment to me, after I told him why my messing with him would not be a very good idea (like I really had to run it down). After I checked him he apologized and we ended it there.

I come in Monday morning (this morning) and he pings me like nothing happened. :-I I don't get that. Why do some people tend to act like nothing happen when they push things to far? He came into my office to hold a conversation but I was just so totally disturbed by the comment he made that I was not much in the mood for conversation. As I was IMing my girlfriend about the exchange he asked me was there something wrong?? Naaaaw, ya think?

That is when I had to let him know that he was pressuring me to much and I am not one that reacts well to pressure in situations like these, especially in a case where there is nothing he can say or do to change my answer from no to yes. Granted he once again apologize and stated he was trying to persuade me and came off abrasive, once again my answer is not going to change.

*scratching my head* Now... I know some times I get confused a lil easily or dare I say a little slow at times and I try not to assume so people have to spell things out for me and I do the same in return but 1) I was once married to a man who consistently cheated on me, why would I want to place some one else in that position? 2) I want some one I can go to sleep with and talk to at night, wake up to in the morning, argue and make up with, I want holidays etc; all in all I want some one to be there and spend time. I can't get that with him. 3) I don't want some one else's man. Given all of that what makes some one think that they are what I need if they are married and can't give me all of that? I mean I spell it out for you and you still coming after it because you "want it"?

See, one thing about me is that I can zone out and disconnect emotionally and mentally at any moment. People tend to feel as though they know me so well or they focus on the warm and inviting part of my personality, with out realizing there is a another side of me that cuts folks off, cuss them out and will walk away with no feelings about it what so ever. I feel as though my alter ego is going to make an appearance and cut off a couple of people very soon.

I don't know right now when it comes to relationships I am feeling very numb and overall through with the games, bs and shenanigans. One thing I can say about being a real quiet observer, I can sit and watch people hangs themselves with the rope I have given them all the while chuckling to myself anticipating the finale, yet they have no clue that deep down inside I really, really just don't give damn. I know that may sound mean but hey my alter ego is coming out because the good, compassionate and nurturing part of me is tired and needs a break. I am seriously about to start cleaning house from friends to acquaintances to certain family members... I just don't have the energy for people and their BS any more.

Miss. Lady has officially left for an extended vacation and Shanigga (name is compliments of my daughter's father) is coming out to clean house.

Just Some Thoughts...

Wednesday was the start of another mini session for school. So my procrastinating behind did not begin participating in discussion questions until Saturday night. In all the classes I have with the exception for one I have not really encountered any one who used the wrong tone with me until this afternoon. One of my class mate's tone was really out of order and I had to go and put her back in her place. I hate having to tactfully tell some one to GFY. UGH! I mean really if you don't know someone then why allow your first interaction give them the wrong impression of you as a person, which results in you getting told?? I know one thing her ass better not respond to another one of my answers again or it will be entertainment for the whole class the rest of these remaining 4 weeks.

I don't know why I am feeling a sense of frustration tonight. I am just hoping it does not flow into my day tomorrow. I decided that I will start seeing a therapist again. I feel as though I am on the edge of a serious snap off sometimes. I know I take to much from certain people and I know I take on to much in general and I also know that I have some issues from the past that I need to deal with.

Anyway...

Over the weekend I quickly found out that some one in my circle has life and bull shit mixed up and this is yet another person I will have to get straight, which may potentially ruin what has come to be a very good friendship. Cryptic? Why yes it is. I would explain the situation but I don't have the energy nor the want to blog about it, I don't need to put it in writing to know the situation is messed up and over all it is not God's best.

I swear it is the stupid things people do that make me lose all respect for them and overall not like them.

My weekend plans did not go as planned, my girlfriend caught the flu and had to cancel the ladies only party she was throwing so I ended up chilling the rest of the day. I spoke to the friend I spoke of in the previous paragraph and some what snapped on him. I ended up going out to dinner and having a really good time. Food, alcohol (occasional), and good company is some what of a comforting thing, now I am itching to get back to the billiards place; I got spanked last time and feel as though I need to redeem myself.