I Have A Question...

That needs some form of an answer. What would make one label a man a bitch? Or, how can you tell a man has bitch tendencies?

A few months ago I was having a conversation with a coworker about a man that was in my inner circle and he said, "he's *cough* bitch made *cough*" now normally when men say that I think they are just hating but after some things I have seen I am beginning to wonder if there is such thing as a bitch made man. What does a man have to do to get the bitch made label?

That's all for tonight, I may take a sabatical I have somethings to focus on so who knows if, when or how long I will be gone.

A Dude Nicknamed Mickey...

Thanksgiving was not ruined but it was tough getting through. Dealing with a sick three year old who I ended up having to take to urgent care after she threw a crying fit for over an hour due to a double ear infection was not the business. I had zero energy to deal with her being extra due to being sick.

I can honestly say my mind has not been all here as of late. My migraines are kicking harder than ever, my level of sadness has increased, nausea has invaded my stomach and I have been feeling faint. It was not due to anything I ate or didn't eat and my sadness was not created by my SAD, I am just trying to work through the hurt feelings thanks to this dude nick named Mickey.

I could go into the ins and outs of our relationship but it is too much to long (plus I have already written about it before) and at this moment I am fine but bottom line I am confused, lost and hurt. No sure what is what or up, down and around. Still don't get how he could say with confidence that he loves me and then... never mind at this point it is neither here nor there.

He left me to make a choice that should not be made by one but two. I swear it feels like February 2005 all over again. Oh well suppose I will do what I have to do and move on from here... will we/I ever get it right?

Splitting Hairs...

It all started off as a simple after church visit to my Granny's house yesterday, she inquired about my Dad and how he was doing. I told her the usual, he's ok but looks tired then I was blind sided by her next question, "You know they found a spot on his lung?"

Ok in my head I was like WTF?! When he told me that all his tests came back fine I KNEW there was something funny about the conversation because he called me right back after we had just gotten off the phone with some randomness then rambled off about his test results and scurried off the phone.


So, the look of a lost little girl came upon my face, my Granny keeps on talking escalating the situation and my Grandfather is in the kitchen with the phone in hand hollering for my Dad's phone number because he wants to talk to him and find out what is going on. I'm trying not to get upset because he failed to tell me this. I mentioned all of this to my girlfriend who was like just ask him. Well, that could happen if he would stop ducking me. Dad, stop ducking me man!

This evening he and my sister came into my room to see Lil Bit and I immediately dropped everything I was doing and asked about this "spot" they found on his lung. My sister was shocked as she did not know of this either and we got at him. Though it is just a nodule on his lung he was like, "I said no cancer". Ok yeah we give you that but you could have at least told us they found something that needs to be watched. I mean dang, I never knew there would come a point where the child has to get after the parent.

I have always said that if I were to find out I had a terminal illness I would only tell three people, my Dad, my girlfriend and my ex husband; after this I am beginning to rethink that stance because it is not a good feeling to get blind sided by stuff like that. Yet and still as I always say give my flowers now while I am here not after I go home to be with the Lord.

Very thankful to God I am for him being healthy but I am tired, with running after kids and parents that is just too much, just too much I am going to go relax my nerves.

Feeling Some Kind of Way...

For the last week something someone did has been bothering me and since the person is to cowardly to even utter a word to me, it makes it kind of hard to tell them that essentially they really hurt me. I am not sure if it is even hurt as I cannot explain what I am feeling I suppose it is that mixture of hurt and anger that is slowly growing into an uncontrollable rage as the moments pass, with each memory of the conversations that were had, the promises that were made and broken along with their actions and/or lack of action.

I seriously debated on writing about it because I just don't think he is worth the time it takes to write and edit an entry but I still can't ignore that I am feeling the way I am feeling about it. Granted, not sure if I can put it all on him... maybe I may have played a part in it, but hell how am I to know if a conversation has not taken place?

As with most complex things I am just trying to understand the actions of this man. If some one gives you an opportunity to speak your mind honestly and allows for you to opt out of any situation with out drama then would you not take it? Opposed to doing something under handed, sneaky, straight ignorant and trifling to some one that you supposedly have some kind of feeling for?? I guess it is possible for people to act like they have feelings or to even fake like they love or have love for some one. Still I just don't understand why one would go through all of that when someone has handed you the easy way out of the situation by telling the truth and then using the door? Why play games? Why not act like an adult and be grown about yours?

I realized this weekend that I have a lot of anger inside of me and for me to have to strongly resist the urge to go to his house and knee him in his nuts, kick the isht out of him and stomp him is outside of my character and over all gentle nature. I hate the fact that this has even effected me this bad and in this manner.

Ahhhh maybe is not meant for me to figure out nor understand, maybe it is something that just is. Still would like some form of closure. Ahhh hell I am going to go get some hot cocoa.

Ash Be Gone and Psychic Abilities

I took my daughter to B & BW tonight to pick out some lotion for her self in hopes that she will actually use it. They only had three scents and we picked blueberry and bubble gum, I allowed for her to get some lip chap, bubble bath and spray. She was so excited when she got out of the tub she volunteered to put the lotion on herself. :) No more ashy kid. :)

Anyway...

My girlfriend posted a survey on our message board called four things and one of the questions was, "what four things are you looking forward to happen next year?" one of my girlfriends said that she was looking forward to me buying a house next year. Now usually when some one makes a statement or speaks over my life in that manner I immediately think about how things are now and water it down or make a snide remark like, "that would take a miracle from God to happen." but this time the comment was well received. She is awaiting to see if her prediction comes true. LOL!

I began to realize that people tend to see things in me that I don't see or they actually in fact pay attention to things. Most times I go about my every day life as if I am in my own little world. I really don't stop to think that people actually notice or pay attention to me as much as they do.
A few years ago I ran into some one I used to go to school with. We were never friends, never spoke, had a few classes together but for the most part we were just two ships passing in the night. As I spoke to him, I asked him if he attended Springbrook and he said, "Yes I did and I remember you. I will never forget your smile."

I try to remember that when ever I get to thinking or feeling as though no one pays attention to me... for all I know some one could very well be watching my every move, really learning me or reading this here blog and learning my ways through my thoughts... Ok, now that just creeped me the hell out. I am going to be looking over my shoulder for a few months.

Turn The Lights On!

So, I have been operating only on soft light flowing from my Ikea lamp that I bought months ago as to avoid the bright lights in my office; they were making my left eye twitching worse. Since JazzBrew, thanks man, provided me with a link on SAD I figured I would try turning the lights on.

I have two sets of lights in my office. Not quite sure if it is natural light or florescent lighting but what ever it it, it is for damn sure bright and I have my lamp on as well. I have been sitting here with all the lights on for the last two hours and I don't necessarily feel the level of sadness that I was feeling before. I still don't feel like eating anything and I still don't feel like talking to or having contact with people at this time. Maybe that will change the more I sit in the light.

I swear I turned those lights on and it felt light a surge went through my eyes. I almost fell out in my office (wouldn't that have been funny?) those damn lights were so bright. I am a little more productive then I have been the last week or two, I suppose that is a good thing.

It is all beginning to make sense and I understand why I had it bad last year as I was literally sitting in the dark at my old job, on top of the stress and pressure I was enduring... yeah I was a woman on the edge.

Anyway...

I am trying to figure out what to do. My daughter does not like lotion. She does not like to use it, she does not even like to see the lotion bottle coming her way. I have tried everything to get her to put on lotion and she screams, fights and cries. Mind you she has been standing firm in protest since she heard my girlfriend say light skin people don't need lotion. Y'ALL get ASHY too! LOL!

At this point it is cold, the air is dry and she looks like a chicken that has been lightly coated in flour. I was thinking about taking her to Bath & Body Works and allowing her to pick out a lotion and a spray for herself (they have stuff for kids) and seeing if she would be more apt to use it since she went and picked it out herself. But my only hesitation is that the girl is all of 3 and I don't want to start doing things that are not age appropriate for her. Plus B&BW gets rather pricey.

I would take her to Walmart and be like here is the lotion section we are going to get this and you are going to use it. But the other part is afraid that if I take that stance she will be so turned off by lotion she may spend the rest of her life walking around looking like she was coated in flour.

Winter Blues...

I really think I need to invest in a Sun lamp. I am beginning to feel the blues and I noticed my mood had taken a turn for the worse as the time shifted. When I leave home in the morning the sun is out shining bright but I spend all of 45 mins to an hour in the sun only to be chained to my desk all day long; by the time I leave work it is dark.

I noticed a shift in my mood the same time last year but I thought it was due to the fact that I felt trapped in a highly stressful job, where all of my hard work was unappreciated. Now that my job is not as stressful I get all the appreciation in the world, I am still feeling blue.

I need my sun, I need my vitamin D. I wonder if I took Vitamin D supplements would that make is so I won't have to spend the money on a Sun lamp???? Yeah, I am a thrifty person and that will save me from having to buy one for the office and home. :)

In addition, I have made an appointment to see a therapist, outside of the winter blues I realized that I have some thing I need to work through and I need to break out of some dysfunctional habits i.e. throwing myself into my work to avoid (insert what ever here). I have also found that I am a whole lot more angrier than usual. Normally I am not an angry person, I am rather slow to anger, but when I get to that point then it is like an outer body experience and I have no recollection of the things I do when I am in that state. I can feel myself welling up to that point and I need to nip it in the bud before I snap.

... I make it a point to listen to gospel music while I am driving. That is my time to do my prayer, praise etc; plus it keeps me calm so normally I am oblivious to others driving around me. I know the other day some one jumped in front of me and then had nerve to slow down and drive at 30 miles per hour in a 40 zone... at that point I turned the Kirk Franklin down and I mean way down and snapped off... yeah, yeah I need to see some one regularly, anger management, something.

Hoping It Stays Like This...

For the last few weeks my daughter has been asking for her Daddy. I figured she started asking because she sees the other kids at school with their Dads and I am quite sure they talk about them, so I figured she would eventually stop. Well, she did not stop asking so I reached out to her Dad, he called and talked to him. The way her face lit up when she heard his voice warmed my heart and almost brought tears to my eyes because I was happy to see he was being responsive to her.

Still, that was one conversation after almost a year of him and I not speaking therefore him not speaking to or seeing her. I reached out to him this Sunday so she could talk to him. She was happy but very busy getting into all kinds of mess so she was not much in the mood for conversation then he told her to put me back on the phone. We talked for about an hour and to my surprise we were actually civil with one another. No fighting, no cussing, no fussing or arguing. I learned that I had changed in many ways because there were quite a few things he had said that made me bite my tongue and move on to something else; I have learned to choose my battles wisely.

I am hoping and praying he and I can continue to stay civil with one another. I know he is some one that does not bring out the best parts of me and I have learned to control my anger, emotions etc; when it comes to dealing with him. Though all seems like we are getting along well I am still going to keep an eye out for a few things as we always start off like this then things go from sugar to isht. Ok, I am going to try to stay optimistic about it all. Hopefully the care that we both have for Lil Bit and for one another will hold it all together.

But... one thing I don't think I will ever understand is how some one can hurt you to your core but will be ready to beat the hell out of someone that even slightly thinks in their mind of doing you harm???

Proceed With Caution...Monday Ventilation

A few months ago I met a man who also happens to be my co worker. He is cool and real easy to talk to and over all we had no issues, until he started to express interest in me. Now, I have laxed on the don't date where you work rule slightly so him and I working together is not the issue in the slightest, my main issue with the whole pursuit of me is that dude is married.

In the blog entry prior to this I mentioned that I would have to get some one straight which could result in the loss of a friendship and he is the very person I was talking about. He and I spoke briefly over the weekend, he invited me out to dinner since my plans fell through and I said "No." As the conversation went on he made a rather abrasive comment to me, after I told him why my messing with him would not be a very good idea (like I really had to run it down). After I checked him he apologized and we ended it there.

I come in Monday morning (this morning) and he pings me like nothing happened. :-I I don't get that. Why do some people tend to act like nothing happen when they push things to far? He came into my office to hold a conversation but I was just so totally disturbed by the comment he made that I was not much in the mood for conversation. As I was IMing my girlfriend about the exchange he asked me was there something wrong?? Naaaaw, ya think?

That is when I had to let him know that he was pressuring me to much and I am not one that reacts well to pressure in situations like these, especially in a case where there is nothing he can say or do to change my answer from no to yes. Granted he once again apologize and stated he was trying to persuade me and came off abrasive, once again my answer is not going to change.

*scratching my head* Now... I know some times I get confused a lil easily or dare I say a little slow at times and I try not to assume so people have to spell things out for me and I do the same in return but 1) I was once married to a man who consistently cheated on me, why would I want to place some one else in that position? 2) I want some one I can go to sleep with and talk to at night, wake up to in the morning, argue and make up with, I want holidays etc; all in all I want some one to be there and spend time. I can't get that with him. 3) I don't want some one else's man. Given all of that what makes some one think that they are what I need if they are married and can't give me all of that? I mean I spell it out for you and you still coming after it because you "want it"?

See, one thing about me is that I can zone out and disconnect emotionally and mentally at any moment. People tend to feel as though they know me so well or they focus on the warm and inviting part of my personality, with out realizing there is a another side of me that cuts folks off, cuss them out and will walk away with no feelings about it what so ever. I feel as though my alter ego is going to make an appearance and cut off a couple of people very soon.

I don't know right now when it comes to relationships I am feeling very numb and overall through with the games, bs and shenanigans. One thing I can say about being a real quiet observer, I can sit and watch people hangs themselves with the rope I have given them all the while chuckling to myself anticipating the finale, yet they have no clue that deep down inside I really, really just don't give damn. I know that may sound mean but hey my alter ego is coming out because the good, compassionate and nurturing part of me is tired and needs a break. I am seriously about to start cleaning house from friends to acquaintances to certain family members... I just don't have the energy for people and their BS any more.

Miss. Lady has officially left for an extended vacation and Shanigga (name is compliments of my daughter's father) is coming out to clean house.

Just Some Thoughts...

Wednesday was the start of another mini session for school. So my procrastinating behind did not begin participating in discussion questions until Saturday night. In all the classes I have with the exception for one I have not really encountered any one who used the wrong tone with me until this afternoon. One of my class mate's tone was really out of order and I had to go and put her back in her place. I hate having to tactfully tell some one to GFY. UGH! I mean really if you don't know someone then why allow your first interaction give them the wrong impression of you as a person, which results in you getting told?? I know one thing her ass better not respond to another one of my answers again or it will be entertainment for the whole class the rest of these remaining 4 weeks.

I don't know why I am feeling a sense of frustration tonight. I am just hoping it does not flow into my day tomorrow. I decided that I will start seeing a therapist again. I feel as though I am on the edge of a serious snap off sometimes. I know I take to much from certain people and I know I take on to much in general and I also know that I have some issues from the past that I need to deal with.

Anyway...

Over the weekend I quickly found out that some one in my circle has life and bull shit mixed up and this is yet another person I will have to get straight, which may potentially ruin what has come to be a very good friendship. Cryptic? Why yes it is. I would explain the situation but I don't have the energy nor the want to blog about it, I don't need to put it in writing to know the situation is messed up and over all it is not God's best.

I swear it is the stupid things people do that make me lose all respect for them and overall not like them.

My weekend plans did not go as planned, my girlfriend caught the flu and had to cancel the ladies only party she was throwing so I ended up chilling the rest of the day. I spoke to the friend I spoke of in the previous paragraph and some what snapped on him. I ended up going out to dinner and having a really good time. Food, alcohol (occasional), and good company is some what of a comforting thing, now I am itching to get back to the billiards place; I got spanked last time and feel as though I need to redeem myself.

Just DAMN! DAMN, DAMN, DAMN! &*()) &*()*_)

I just got back in from my consult with the oral surgeon... DAMN!

Ok, my peculiar ass has 5 wisdom teeth not 4 so he has decided to remove the fifth one and leave the one that it came in beside alone, the impacted one has to come out because I have a cavity right where it's resting on the tooth next to it and the one up top needs to come out as well, then the one that is bothering me has to come out.

Considering I am 31, those jokers are in unusually tight spots sooooooo that means, a 10 day recovery, one week off from work along with two weeks of swelling pain killers, antibiotics, mouth wash and a "soft diet".

I swear as I was driving home I just had to sit and wonder can't anything in my life I mean ANYTHING be easy? A fifth tooth? Like my girlfriend said, "Only you."

On top of that I am not going to get put all the way out. Light sedation with local anesthesia. That is as unaware as they will allow for me to be.

I was a little uneasy when they showed me the "brief video" on wisdom teeth... ok my ass was SCARED. I was sitting there holding my mouth and rocking back and forth as the video played along all the while eyeing the door while making plans to make a break for it when the nurse came back in.

She came in and asked if I was scare and I said, "YES!" Then she told me no worries I will be ok and left me to wait for the doctor. The only thing that calmed my nerves was Taylor Dane's "I'll Always Love You" playing through the speakers. It took me back to some happy times in my life, then the doctor rolled in dropped the truth on me and now I am PETRIFIED.

Ok... now that I have gotten all that out of my system I am slightly ok. My level of fright has been reduced from petrified to scared.

Ahhh Hump Day...

I am so tired right now but I suppose that is what happens when you make an executive decision to watch the season premiere of Keysha Cole and stay up late to catch the rerun of the new episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Why do they put all the good shows on at the same time on Tuesday night?? Damn! I missed SVU as well. Why don't they spread the love? There is never anything good on TV Wednesday night, now that is a night that needs some love. I think I may need to look into getting a DVR I refuse to be chasing reruns for the rest of my life.

Anyway...

I can officially say my girlfriend is walking corruption. She quickly infiltrates the brain and has me remembering her evil comments and bursting out in fits of uncontrollable laughter through out the day. People are wondering what in the world is going on with me.

Last night during a scene on Real House Wives of Atlanta (RHOA), Dwight (NeNe's Friends) revealed his secret for being 50 years old but looking like he was 30 years old. He said he has sex three times a day... out of the silence my girlfriend said, "I believe it. Look at his KNEES! Just look at them."

That comment is still with me and as I posted a comment to another girlfriend on our list serve I found the comment replaying in my head and busted out laughing. I am not sure if I posted what I originally wanted to post. This is the second time this week she has done this to me and it much stop. LOL!

....... Ok I am calm now. The laughter is over and the excitement has set in as tomorrow is Thursday which is some what the end of my work week as I work Fridays from home. Fridays tend to be really, really, quiet so I take time to multitask between getting some work out of the way for the following two weeks and getting house work out of the way.

I am so looking forward to this weekend; child free, good company, food, wine, good cheer and maybe even a little love. But with everything I have to make it through the day... I have the appointment with the oral surgeon. I am hoping this surgery is not going to go outside of the benefits limits for my dental insurance (saying a prayer) and then tomorrow a special some one is coming to visit me at my office for a spell, so I suppose I can wait out for the weekend as there are many good things to come along the way to it.

These Kids Today...

Yesterday evening I walked into the daycare to find the owner holding the door to their "time out room" I hear what sounded like a wild animal in there trying to get out. The door was rattling, the young child was in there screaming. The owner was red and sweating like she just took a 45 min aerobics class and she had a look of fear on her face. I asked her how she was doing, she told me she had better day. My being the concerned person I am asked her, what was wrong? She then said, "I just got beat down by a five year old. I am trying to hold him in here until his uncle or mother comes for him."

Damn, is it like that. As I went to go pick up my child thinking she has a wonderful day to my dismay Tyson cut the hell up. She was out on the play ground and tried to poke a little boy in the eye with a stick. Her teacher took said stick away and threw it in the trash. Tyson was then ordered to the corner for time out and threw one of her infamous temper tantrums. She then proceeded to inform her teacher that she was going to "tell my mommy" (me) and the teacher said, "No I am going to tell Mommy" and then that is when my child had to take it a step further... she threatened to pee on herself out of sheer anger and she did.

In away this was one of those instances where you go some where and giggle then you come back and discipline. I don't know what has gotten into her she turned 3 and just decided she was going to break bad on everyone. Well I took away her TV and she went to bed early only to wake up, cut up and receive a spanking before everything was all said and done. When will they learn??

Now I pose this question to you, how many five year olds can you take on in a fight??

http://www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com/

Playing With Fire...

What is it about a situation where you know you are clearly playing with fire but you simply can't stop? I mean the situation has you so mesmerized and in your moral mind , your rationale mind you know that you need to stop but there is a part that wonders how close can you get to the flame with out getting burned??

Is there ever an instance where you can play with fire even for a little bit and not get burned?

Anyway...

I have been trying to figure out how to help a friend with out creating a false hope that there is going to be something more than a friendship with this person. Yes, this person and I used to date many moons ago and we dated off and on for years; but once you do me wrong and/or cross me I cannot fathom ever going back with that person no matter how much they may have changed. Something happens and I look at people different, I act differently and the dynamics of our situation along with my feelings for them tend to change. I eventually come to a point where I can be friends with them because I still care, but that is how I do after the love is gone.

Story of my life, they don't appreciate me when they have me then regret it after I leave. Now I am trying not to hurt feelings in the midst of just trying to be a good friend. :(

I am usually good at side stepping certain conversations and questions (I could be a politician LOL!) but when a person tells you that they love you, there is no side stepping it. In this case it was just awkward silence, I don't tell some one that I love them if I don't. To me love is a serious expression of feelings that needs not to be played with. Anyway, I know that does not matter to him... I am sure he is thinking that once he gets back to the east coast it is game on and he will change things...I seriously doubt that would be possible...

It is so amazing to be loved but it makes for a messed up situation when you just don't feel the same in return.

I Got Checked....

To kick off the birthday events I took the kids out to eat at the Olive Garden (I love Olive Garden) as I sat down I began to feel as though I wanted a glass of wine with my entree, so I asked the waitress for a glass of White Zinfandel. As I took a sip from the glass my son asked me if it was "real wine" I told him yes and then here came the lecture on drinking.

He felt as though just because I drank a glass of wine that I was going to become an alcoholic... apparently this is what they taught them in school and Lord knows what their father has told them. So, I for the sake of enlightening I asked him to explain to me what they told him in school. I got this, " my teacher said that you cuss, fight, hurt people's feelings and then you get in a car, crash and die."

So I spent all of dinner trying to undo what the teacher did and explained to him that alcohol is ok in moderation and then when I caught myself breaking down to him the difference in wine and liquor I just figured I would stop; I was giving him to much information.

Overall it has been quite an exhausting weekend and next weekend if my child free weekend so I shall find something to do with myself and relax.

This Is The Day...

That the Lord has most certainly made as three years ago today at 4:30 AM the angles in heaven sang a perfect song as my daughter made her grand entrance into this world.



Last night I had the hardest time getting to sleep because I could not take my eyes off of her. The pain and discomfort of 18 hours of labor was most certainly worth it. Lil Bit has grown and blossomed into a beautiful, extremely intelligent and loving kid.



As always my prayers, dreams and hopes is for her to be whole, healthy, accomplished and happy.



Happy Birthday Baby. Mommy Loves you...

Brighter Day...

I know there was much excitement in the air amongst many Americans yesterday as we took back our country by choosing a competent president to lead this country, but for some reason i was in a serious funk.

I am not quite sure if it was a combination of PMS, being on pain meds for my teeth, the nervousness of having to have all 4 teeth removed, and a whole host of other things I had going on but I wanted to literally cry out of sadness. The only time I seemed to have gotten a boost in my spirit was when I went to go vote.

I admit I felt as though having to find time with in my work day to go vote was more of a task than anything. As soon as I hit the polling place and saw there was no line, no wait my spirits began to lift, I felt my excitement grow as I was given my ballot card and I felt a rush of adrenaline as I made my selections and casted my final ballot.

Yet, the joy and excitement I felt was temporary and my feeling of sadness came back up on me again. I took a moment and prayed because I felt bad about not being as excited as the rest of the country that we were finally going to have someone in office that not only looked like me but most importantly would be affective in facilitating change with in this country and the world.

Anyway.. I got to my the watch party my girlfreind was throwing had a glass of wine and some food. I was good. My spirits immediately lifted as I saw Obama take the electoral votes like it was no body's business. I knew I was not going to feel like it was a done deal until McCain made his concession speech and I was quite proud of him for doing it early. Yeah, I said I was proud of McCain he could have challenged the out come in those states that we really really tight but he didn't.

I know some people cried and boo hooed all through out the night I found myself being in such a state of excitement that I could not get to sleep despite the fact that I had to go to work the next day.

In the end this all leaves me with one question, why is election day NOT a Federal holiday?

Considering the fact that Repubs. complain about the unfairness of early voting if you make it a holiday then every one will have ample time and opportunity to go out and vote. Hey, just a thought.

Yesterday the clouds and the rains came, today I woke up this morning to a slightly warm sunny day... must be ominous of the brighter days to come. Congratulation President Barack Obama, I simply can't wait to see what type of change is going to come.