There is an old gospel song, Rough Side of The Mountain, my Granparents used to play this song all the time, that song is tied to so many memories. The song had been playing in my head for a while but that night I had felt compelled to actually pull the song up on Youtube. When I pulled it up and listened to it, I felt a warm sensation on my face like she was cupping my face with her hands and then the tears just came rolling down my eyes. At this moment I did not know why I was crying after all I had already made plans to see her before she passed away; the next day the call came letting me know that was not going to happen. My mom let me know they were considering removing the tube at the end of that week. They indeed decided to remove the tube that Friday and who ever wanted to be there for her last moments were welcome to come. I couldn't...my last memory was of her healthy, laughing and cracking on my uncle and that is what I wanted my last memory of her to remain as. :(
I can say losing my Granmother brought about a reality that we are all getting older and life is not forever. Though she was in her early 80s to me it still felt as though the time that she spent here was entirely to short...anyway after that a string of deaths happened that were completely unexpected, which pushed me even more to approach my life differently.
Sometime after my Granmother's death I had entered what I call a "weird place", at the time I could not define it but as time went on I began to listen to what my soul really wanted/needed and I began to give into what it had been crying for; I started doing things for me, the things I wanted to do and like to do.
I joined a running group and began running. After only a few weeks of running I suddenly ended up running my first race and since then running has become quite an addiction. I started to look at my relationships and the time I put into them, the role I played in them, I began to look at whether those unions bring negative or positive vibes into my life and if the time I was putting in was even worth it; with one person it was a no so I ended up letting that go. I found that after letting that situation go a lot of things began to open up for me and I started utilizing my time in a manner that benefited me and not any one else. How liberating that was...
I am now at a point where I can define my "weird place".
I want to live the best life that I can live. Experience things, see things, continue to grow, become a better person than I am now and be a blessing to others. I want to spend my time with the people that are special to me, know me well and cherish the time we have together. Most importantly I just want to have some fun. :) I have become very selective about what I do and who I do it with and I find that I have gotten better about gauging whether an activity or a person is worth my time. So as far as the dating scene goes I have not had any inclination to date...yeah I will talk to some people and if it seems we aren't on the same page I shrug my shoulders and go on about my way; but otherwise I'm not trying. I don't know what it is call it laziness, call it fear or what ever I'm just not up to it right now.
Anyway, I know there is much more life changes to come in the near future. I have had to make some hard choices recently and now I just made some sudden choice (trying to get my daughter into the local charter school at the last minute...lol) but no matter how it all works out, it is ok because that is exactly how God intended for it to end.
Stay blessed folks...
