2008 Year End Review...

Not even going to do one. LOL! Bottom line it was a year of self discovery, learning, growing, recovery and restructuring so to speak.

Praying that 2009 will be a year of health, happiness and prosperity for every one. I am sure there are plenty of good things to come to many who have been blessed to see the New Year.

Everyone have a wonderful and Happy New Year! :)

New Years Eve, What's The Haps?

How will you all be bringing in the new year? I told Mr. Man that we could go to church and ring in the new year that way but him hanging his head down as if he feels he will burst into flames upon setting foot on the ground of the church made me think that we should figure out something else to do.

Last year I went out with my line sisters, one of my line sister's was throwing party. We had a good time and it was free. So I suppose I am looking for the same thing this year for Mr. Man and I to have a good time but with out coming up off of a whole lot of $$$$$. Especially after he said, "Baby why am I going to spend $100 + to stand around for 4 hours and look at niggas, when I can sit at home and look at you for free??"

A good point he has but he needs not stare at me for an extended period of time, I don't like folks staring at me with out saying anything; that drives me crazy.

Anyway, if there is anything good going on then please share. Thanx.

Glad It's Over...

Christmas and my surgery that is. I hope every one had a wonderful Holiday. I know just seeing the kids' faces light up made my Christmas and I finally got the Christmas present I have been praying, begging for, for the last 3 or 4 years. Happy and ecstatic I am about it and I may write extensively about it later on.

Anyway... as I had written before I was scheduled to have oral surgery the day after Christmas. I had the surgery as scheduled and it was not as bad as I made it out to be in my head. I was concerned that I was going to feel pain during the procedure but I felt nothing and heard very little. There was not much pain after either but that is thanks to good drugs... the stitches are tugging and pulling making the area that was cut starting to throb but it is all good.

I am just glad my face does not look like I have been packing nuts for the winter.

If it seems as though I am all over the place with this blog then just blame it on the drugs... blogging while doped up on pain meds... lol...

Just Some Thoughts...

Today for the first time in about six months I had an episode of road rage. I was coming off the exit ramp getting onto BW Parkway and the lady did not speed up in enough time to pass me and as the merge lane ended I ended in front of her foiling her ignorant ass plan to be an ass hole and try not to let me onto the parkway. It was all good until she went to pass me and she was mouthing some words to me and rolling her neck. At this point I turned the Kirk Franklin off, threw out the what would Jesus do and told that bitch to pull over. I wanted her to pull over. My daughter was in the back saying Mommy don't say that and my boys were back there advising the lady NOT to pull over. It was almost a mess but the pleas of my children made me calm down. I swear some times I don't know what I would do or where I would be if God did not bless me with them.

Anyway...

I am one of millions of people who are on the Face Book and what I want to know is why is there a need to request comment on every move your friend makes?

Miss. Lady and Mr. Man are now friends - add comment

Miss. Lady pushed Ole Girl down the stairs - add comment

Miss. Lady is no longer in a relationship - add comment

Miss. Lady joined the group Who Can Pee Split Pea Soup - add comment


I mean damn not every one has to comment on everything and not every one's opinion needs to be welcomed. Though I have become addicted to face book I still find the fact that every move I make is broadcasted and that people have the option to comment on it. I think I should have the option to turn that shit off or allow for comments on certain things as I see fit.

Ok moving on...

Just a teaser... love life has gotten interesting will blog about it in another month or two. *Evil laughter*...

Kids say the darnest things, my mother bought the boys a Wii and sent it via my sister. She walked into my room to deliver the game and my son says to her, "Oh I like your WEAVE!" I was incredulous that my son would out and out say that to any one. For one my sister does not have a weave and two you don't point out a 1B unless the owner of said weave mentions that it is 1B. Needless to say they almost did not get my *ahem* I mean their Wii.

Ok, I need to go hook up my *ahem* I mean their Wii.

LMAO! Just Classic!

One thing I cannot stand are lazy mofos and people who do things that are rather idiotic. In the midst of trying to prepare for the company shut down I have had to turn over my forms and procedures so the on call recruiters can do their own offers to include shipping them out. We all haveour own Fed Ex accounts but since I hit the scene they have not been using them because I do all of the shipping. So, when one of my recruiters asked me for my log in information I told her to pull her own account number and I will sit down and help her set it up. She said, "ok" and I hear nothing further until I called to talk to my recruiter on theother side of town who told me she called asking him for his Fed Ex information to use it during the shut down, telling him I di dnot want to give her mine (technically I didn't). *scrathching head*

1) Did I not tell her to pull her account number so I can take all of 2 minutes to help her set up access? and 2) they have user names and passwords for a reason, not to give to every one who feels they need it, especially whne they have their own. So I explained to him that she has her own she just needs to do what I told her to do. He said, "Oh so she is just being lazy." I was nt going to argue with him so I said, "Pretty much, yeah." Then all hell breaks loose. LOL! he then said, "She needs to get and use her own SHIT!" ROFL! Makes no sense.

I swear it grates my nerves when people act simple like that and the funny thing is if you act simple then I cannot resist the urge to pick with you and bring your ignorance and simpleness to the fore front for every one to see. Mean I know but hey every action has a reaction and consequence.

Man, him saying she needs to get her own shit was the highlight of my day. LOL!

Pulled In Different Directions...

As my time off from work draws near it seems as all hell has broken loose. Hiring managers are going crazy, recruiters are piling on the last minute work, I am trying to push everything through and my office looks like a file room exploded in it. So in the midst of my day yesterday my daughter's school calls because she was acting unlike herself with a fever to boot. I ended up leaving work early to take her to the doctor. Thinking it was something simple she could get treated for, imagine my surprise when the doctor said she had pneumonia and there will be no school for her today or tomorrow (Thank God I can work from home). I was also supposed to run a Z-Hope program for my sorority on Thursday and since my daycare fell through I can't. So last night I spent the time to purchase the additional items they needed for the program and ended up having to chuck it up to BMore to drop it all off, only to end up driving back in ice rain. When I got in last night I ended up laying it down for min.

Anyway...

I have a few things on my mind first of which, I can't stand Amazon.com right now. I get this wonderful email informing me that I have until today to take advantage of super saver shipping for free and my presents will be delivered before Christmas. I get to the website place an order and find out the reality of the situation, Super saver shipping takes 5-9 business days in transit and it could take up to 3 business days for the item to actually ship out of the warehouse; the only alternative that leaves is to upgrade shipping. Well, an upgrade puts me at a shipping cost of $42. Talk about a serious bait and switch. I mean damn do you know how many more toys and presents I can purchase with $42 that I would be wasting on shipping and handling? Some times these companies just abuse a situation, especially if it is a desperate one. What parent is not going to pay all that extra money to ensure their kids have their presents under the tree for Christmas? This is one parent that is still on the fence and may have to fight the crazy Christmas crowd to save some money.

Another pondering...

Over the last year I have received these alerts for some site called Tagged. The finally alert from an old co worker moved me to actually create a page, I figured that once I created a page I would stop getting those annoying invites. No mas. I then started to get emails from the site telling me to check my alerts, as I went in it had my profile picture. Where the sam hell the picture came from is beyond me. So it asked me to upload the pic as my profile picture and I did such thinking now will you all leave me alone??? Nope, to much like right. Since I uploaded the damn pic I have been getting emails of people clicking on my pic stating they are "Interested" WTF? I get them all through the day and night. I have gone into the site to find out where they have this nonsense of me posted and how I can take it down to make it stop.

So as I get stuff from 30 plus year old men named T-Bone, Thug Thug, Bone Thug and Straight Thug posing like they are about to rough some one up I feel myself getting irritated by it all. I have tried to figure out how to delete the account and I can't seem to find it. This is like forced membership, like MySpace in purgatory.

Ramblings

Today is officially the last day or week of my 5 week Marketing class. Woot! Woot! I am so happy that this is over. I feel like I have mental burn out, which is leading me to take the next quarter off and start back up with a blast in the Spring by taking three classes (full time course load) and then finishing up my last two classes in the summer so I can call it done and over with. Well I necessarily can't say I will be done, I will be getting a Masters preferably in Organizational Development, then I can say I DONE.

Anyway...

I am awaiting the start of my vacation. I have my plans set and my folks are ready to go out and chill with me. I have so many friends that I have not been able to hook up with in eons so it will be nice to sit back, relax, eat, drink and catch up on things. I love spending time with my girls it seems to bring a balance back to my life which basically consists of work, school, kids, church and sorors. I suppose I can throw in the complications of a person that says the right things but can't seem to match actions with his words but considering my thoughts and feelings on that and what I ultimately have decided to do about that situation I am not even going to consider it a life factor. Hey, what can I say? It is what it is.


Now, I noticed that every time I get on the phone my daughter feels the need to be up under me and want to hold conversations with me. I am looking at her like I am on the phone. The only time she seems to leave me alone is if her Dad and I are speaking other wise it is, "Mommy, Mommy MOMMY!"

Like last night I was on the phone talking to an acquaintance and this chick starts screaming at the top of her lungs. I wanted to slap her, she knows better than that. Why do they do that? This is one reason why I am anticipating a move next year because we all are in need of our own space.

Per This Conversation...

My mind is officially gone!

Me: Hey D! It's Lady, I am trying to put out your offer but I need the name of the contract in order to draft the letter and it is not located on the requisition. Call me.

Two hours later...

D: Hey Lady! What's up?

Me: I need the contract name to put out your offer.

D: Are you having one of those days? You must be having one of THOSE days. Go back, look at the email.

Me: Ugh?! What are you talking about?!

D: Go back look at the email and laugh.

Me: Ok, I got the email andddddd DAMN! It's right there! It wasn't there when I looked at it, where the hell did that come from.

D: Just laugh! Don't say nothing! Juuust laugh!

My mind is just gone... vacation come now.

Knotted Up

My neck is knotted up and it is causing a shooting pain on one side of my head, ouch. I am thinking that a full body massage would do the trick but I don't like being touched. I have conditioned myself to be touched and not feel uncomfortable with it in two situations; if I am in a relationship with some one and when I am showing affection to my children besides that don't touch me. At this point the thought of some one I don't know (or even do know) touching me like that is making me... shudder.

I don't know, I think this is one of those things that I will just have to go and do with out thinking. Yeah, I will go get it done and see how I feel... I am sitting here laughing at myself, I can get a full brazilian bikini wax with no issue but I can't stand to get a full body massage.

I need to stop belly aching about it and just go do it; massage, wax and all.

Common Sense...

Does not exist any more.

You are offered a job, your letter was sent to you via email and Fed Ex. If you fail to send in your signed acceptance letter and take your drug, would you think to show up at your "new job" on the Monday you are slated to start and still expect to get paid? Would you still expect for the benefits center to have your stuff ready to go?

You apply for a job and provide no email address, home address or zip code; if you were to be contacted for an interview or offered employment how else are we to get a hold of you for further processing or to address any issues that may come up?

If you have an alternative address and did not state that is the address you want all correspondence to go to then, why are you complaining when it ends up going to the address you provided? I mean if you provided it as the primary and only address then that is where you must want all correspondence to be sent to. Right?


If you send me an email asking me how the order of approvers should go and I tell you that it is just a paper everyone is signing it does not matter just as long as the signatures are on there and you email me back stating usually you follow the order as rendered by your process; than why in the hell did you ask ME?! Did you know you all were not supposed to be signing the form any way?

There are a growing number of people doing things such as the above. I don't know if people have gotten entirely to lazy to think, if they were absent the day common sense was given out or if they really just don't care but this is ridiculous.

I can't wait for COB Dec. 19Th that is when my vacation officially starts. Thank you JESUS!

For The First Time I Cried...

I was talking to the The Minister this evening and just explaining to him somethings that I have going on with me and with in my life (work, school, kids, preparing to buy a house etc;). In our conversation I was reflecting on how now I see why I had to go through the things I have gone through and I see how even though there have been times where I felt God was not there, he was and is. His hand has been in everything from the beginning and I am certain it will be until the very end.

As I was really telling him how good God has truly been to me and how I understand when people say they have a testimony, I began to cry. I was not crying out of sadness, it was more so because God has been so good and I am happy. I feel no pain nor sorrow but I am in a state of true peace. Yeah, I get frustrated and upset but those things or people only bother me for a second. In the end I am really, truly happy. I have not felt this level of happiness in well over 7 years.

Now that I chose to be happy, I have a much better appreciation for it.

Therapy Session

Tonight was my first of what will be many therapy sessions. I must say that I did feel a whole lot better after discussing the things that I discussed with her. It felt good to finally say a few things out loud and get them off of my chest. It was also good to pin point where the anger stemmed from and what causes me to have angry out bursts at times.

We set some pretty good goals, one being for me to start trying to mend things with my Mom. She felt it was to ambitious of her to set the goal of my mother and I being "close" and I agreed with her whole heartedly. I am not sure if it is possible to be "close" to some one who has physically, emotionally and verbally abused you for most of your life. Is it? Who knows? For now I told her I will commit to calling her once a month and we can see what happens from there as time progresses.


Aside from it being a good session I was beginning to feel a little self conscious. I noticed that when I was sitting there talking she was just writing away and my curious behind was wondering what the hell she was writing?? Was she writing something that would be significant to my healing process? When will she reveal this wonderful solution to all my problems? Was she drawing? Doodling? Or, was she writing, "this chic is straight crazy and extremely angry. Is potentially dangerous." ??

To Much Time On My Hands... What To Do?

Yesterday I received an email from the president of my fine company informing employees that we were to take a mandatory two week vacation at the end of the month in order to save money. :-I

Some extra notice would have been nice but by all means I am not mad at this at all. I mean I could use a mental break but that is entirely to much time. I am also glad they are doing this in lieu of lay offs and at the end of the vacation I still have a job to go back to. BUT, what am I to do with two weeks of no work???

What would you do if you had two paid weeks off? I need not allow for this idle mind to become the Devil's workshop.

I Have A Question...

That needs some form of an answer. What would make one label a man a bitch? Or, how can you tell a man has bitch tendencies?

A few months ago I was having a conversation with a coworker about a man that was in my inner circle and he said, "he's *cough* bitch made *cough*" now normally when men say that I think they are just hating but after some things I have seen I am beginning to wonder if there is such thing as a bitch made man. What does a man have to do to get the bitch made label?

That's all for tonight, I may take a sabatical I have somethings to focus on so who knows if, when or how long I will be gone.

A Dude Nicknamed Mickey...

Thanksgiving was not ruined but it was tough getting through. Dealing with a sick three year old who I ended up having to take to urgent care after she threw a crying fit for over an hour due to a double ear infection was not the business. I had zero energy to deal with her being extra due to being sick.

I can honestly say my mind has not been all here as of late. My migraines are kicking harder than ever, my level of sadness has increased, nausea has invaded my stomach and I have been feeling faint. It was not due to anything I ate or didn't eat and my sadness was not created by my SAD, I am just trying to work through the hurt feelings thanks to this dude nick named Mickey.

I could go into the ins and outs of our relationship but it is too much to long (plus I have already written about it before) and at this moment I am fine but bottom line I am confused, lost and hurt. No sure what is what or up, down and around. Still don't get how he could say with confidence that he loves me and then... never mind at this point it is neither here nor there.

He left me to make a choice that should not be made by one but two. I swear it feels like February 2005 all over again. Oh well suppose I will do what I have to do and move on from here... will we/I ever get it right?

Splitting Hairs...

It all started off as a simple after church visit to my Granny's house yesterday, she inquired about my Dad and how he was doing. I told her the usual, he's ok but looks tired then I was blind sided by her next question, "You know they found a spot on his lung?"

Ok in my head I was like WTF?! When he told me that all his tests came back fine I KNEW there was something funny about the conversation because he called me right back after we had just gotten off the phone with some randomness then rambled off about his test results and scurried off the phone.


So, the look of a lost little girl came upon my face, my Granny keeps on talking escalating the situation and my Grandfather is in the kitchen with the phone in hand hollering for my Dad's phone number because he wants to talk to him and find out what is going on. I'm trying not to get upset because he failed to tell me this. I mentioned all of this to my girlfriend who was like just ask him. Well, that could happen if he would stop ducking me. Dad, stop ducking me man!

This evening he and my sister came into my room to see Lil Bit and I immediately dropped everything I was doing and asked about this "spot" they found on his lung. My sister was shocked as she did not know of this either and we got at him. Though it is just a nodule on his lung he was like, "I said no cancer". Ok yeah we give you that but you could have at least told us they found something that needs to be watched. I mean dang, I never knew there would come a point where the child has to get after the parent.

I have always said that if I were to find out I had a terminal illness I would only tell three people, my Dad, my girlfriend and my ex husband; after this I am beginning to rethink that stance because it is not a good feeling to get blind sided by stuff like that. Yet and still as I always say give my flowers now while I am here not after I go home to be with the Lord.

Very thankful to God I am for him being healthy but I am tired, with running after kids and parents that is just too much, just too much I am going to go relax my nerves.

Feeling Some Kind of Way...

For the last week something someone did has been bothering me and since the person is to cowardly to even utter a word to me, it makes it kind of hard to tell them that essentially they really hurt me. I am not sure if it is even hurt as I cannot explain what I am feeling I suppose it is that mixture of hurt and anger that is slowly growing into an uncontrollable rage as the moments pass, with each memory of the conversations that were had, the promises that were made and broken along with their actions and/or lack of action.

I seriously debated on writing about it because I just don't think he is worth the time it takes to write and edit an entry but I still can't ignore that I am feeling the way I am feeling about it. Granted, not sure if I can put it all on him... maybe I may have played a part in it, but hell how am I to know if a conversation has not taken place?

As with most complex things I am just trying to understand the actions of this man. If some one gives you an opportunity to speak your mind honestly and allows for you to opt out of any situation with out drama then would you not take it? Opposed to doing something under handed, sneaky, straight ignorant and trifling to some one that you supposedly have some kind of feeling for?? I guess it is possible for people to act like they have feelings or to even fake like they love or have love for some one. Still I just don't understand why one would go through all of that when someone has handed you the easy way out of the situation by telling the truth and then using the door? Why play games? Why not act like an adult and be grown about yours?

I realized this weekend that I have a lot of anger inside of me and for me to have to strongly resist the urge to go to his house and knee him in his nuts, kick the isht out of him and stomp him is outside of my character and over all gentle nature. I hate the fact that this has even effected me this bad and in this manner.

Ahhhh maybe is not meant for me to figure out nor understand, maybe it is something that just is. Still would like some form of closure. Ahhh hell I am going to go get some hot cocoa.

Ash Be Gone and Psychic Abilities

I took my daughter to B & BW tonight to pick out some lotion for her self in hopes that she will actually use it. They only had three scents and we picked blueberry and bubble gum, I allowed for her to get some lip chap, bubble bath and spray. She was so excited when she got out of the tub she volunteered to put the lotion on herself. :) No more ashy kid. :)

Anyway...

My girlfriend posted a survey on our message board called four things and one of the questions was, "what four things are you looking forward to happen next year?" one of my girlfriends said that she was looking forward to me buying a house next year. Now usually when some one makes a statement or speaks over my life in that manner I immediately think about how things are now and water it down or make a snide remark like, "that would take a miracle from God to happen." but this time the comment was well received. She is awaiting to see if her prediction comes true. LOL!

I began to realize that people tend to see things in me that I don't see or they actually in fact pay attention to things. Most times I go about my every day life as if I am in my own little world. I really don't stop to think that people actually notice or pay attention to me as much as they do.
A few years ago I ran into some one I used to go to school with. We were never friends, never spoke, had a few classes together but for the most part we were just two ships passing in the night. As I spoke to him, I asked him if he attended Springbrook and he said, "Yes I did and I remember you. I will never forget your smile."

I try to remember that when ever I get to thinking or feeling as though no one pays attention to me... for all I know some one could very well be watching my every move, really learning me or reading this here blog and learning my ways through my thoughts... Ok, now that just creeped me the hell out. I am going to be looking over my shoulder for a few months.

Turn The Lights On!

So, I have been operating only on soft light flowing from my Ikea lamp that I bought months ago as to avoid the bright lights in my office; they were making my left eye twitching worse. Since JazzBrew, thanks man, provided me with a link on SAD I figured I would try turning the lights on.

I have two sets of lights in my office. Not quite sure if it is natural light or florescent lighting but what ever it it, it is for damn sure bright and I have my lamp on as well. I have been sitting here with all the lights on for the last two hours and I don't necessarily feel the level of sadness that I was feeling before. I still don't feel like eating anything and I still don't feel like talking to or having contact with people at this time. Maybe that will change the more I sit in the light.

I swear I turned those lights on and it felt light a surge went through my eyes. I almost fell out in my office (wouldn't that have been funny?) those damn lights were so bright. I am a little more productive then I have been the last week or two, I suppose that is a good thing.

It is all beginning to make sense and I understand why I had it bad last year as I was literally sitting in the dark at my old job, on top of the stress and pressure I was enduring... yeah I was a woman on the edge.

Anyway...

I am trying to figure out what to do. My daughter does not like lotion. She does not like to use it, she does not even like to see the lotion bottle coming her way. I have tried everything to get her to put on lotion and she screams, fights and cries. Mind you she has been standing firm in protest since she heard my girlfriend say light skin people don't need lotion. Y'ALL get ASHY too! LOL!

At this point it is cold, the air is dry and she looks like a chicken that has been lightly coated in flour. I was thinking about taking her to Bath & Body Works and allowing her to pick out a lotion and a spray for herself (they have stuff for kids) and seeing if she would be more apt to use it since she went and picked it out herself. But my only hesitation is that the girl is all of 3 and I don't want to start doing things that are not age appropriate for her. Plus B&BW gets rather pricey.

I would take her to Walmart and be like here is the lotion section we are going to get this and you are going to use it. But the other part is afraid that if I take that stance she will be so turned off by lotion she may spend the rest of her life walking around looking like she was coated in flour.

Winter Blues...

I really think I need to invest in a Sun lamp. I am beginning to feel the blues and I noticed my mood had taken a turn for the worse as the time shifted. When I leave home in the morning the sun is out shining bright but I spend all of 45 mins to an hour in the sun only to be chained to my desk all day long; by the time I leave work it is dark.

I noticed a shift in my mood the same time last year but I thought it was due to the fact that I felt trapped in a highly stressful job, where all of my hard work was unappreciated. Now that my job is not as stressful I get all the appreciation in the world, I am still feeling blue.

I need my sun, I need my vitamin D. I wonder if I took Vitamin D supplements would that make is so I won't have to spend the money on a Sun lamp???? Yeah, I am a thrifty person and that will save me from having to buy one for the office and home. :)

In addition, I have made an appointment to see a therapist, outside of the winter blues I realized that I have some thing I need to work through and I need to break out of some dysfunctional habits i.e. throwing myself into my work to avoid (insert what ever here). I have also found that I am a whole lot more angrier than usual. Normally I am not an angry person, I am rather slow to anger, but when I get to that point then it is like an outer body experience and I have no recollection of the things I do when I am in that state. I can feel myself welling up to that point and I need to nip it in the bud before I snap.

... I make it a point to listen to gospel music while I am driving. That is my time to do my prayer, praise etc; plus it keeps me calm so normally I am oblivious to others driving around me. I know the other day some one jumped in front of me and then had nerve to slow down and drive at 30 miles per hour in a 40 zone... at that point I turned the Kirk Franklin down and I mean way down and snapped off... yeah, yeah I need to see some one regularly, anger management, something.

Hoping It Stays Like This...

For the last few weeks my daughter has been asking for her Daddy. I figured she started asking because she sees the other kids at school with their Dads and I am quite sure they talk about them, so I figured she would eventually stop. Well, she did not stop asking so I reached out to her Dad, he called and talked to him. The way her face lit up when she heard his voice warmed my heart and almost brought tears to my eyes because I was happy to see he was being responsive to her.

Still, that was one conversation after almost a year of him and I not speaking therefore him not speaking to or seeing her. I reached out to him this Sunday so she could talk to him. She was happy but very busy getting into all kinds of mess so she was not much in the mood for conversation then he told her to put me back on the phone. We talked for about an hour and to my surprise we were actually civil with one another. No fighting, no cussing, no fussing or arguing. I learned that I had changed in many ways because there were quite a few things he had said that made me bite my tongue and move on to something else; I have learned to choose my battles wisely.

I am hoping and praying he and I can continue to stay civil with one another. I know he is some one that does not bring out the best parts of me and I have learned to control my anger, emotions etc; when it comes to dealing with him. Though all seems like we are getting along well I am still going to keep an eye out for a few things as we always start off like this then things go from sugar to isht. Ok, I am going to try to stay optimistic about it all. Hopefully the care that we both have for Lil Bit and for one another will hold it all together.

But... one thing I don't think I will ever understand is how some one can hurt you to your core but will be ready to beat the hell out of someone that even slightly thinks in their mind of doing you harm???

Proceed With Caution...Monday Ventilation

A few months ago I met a man who also happens to be my co worker. He is cool and real easy to talk to and over all we had no issues, until he started to express interest in me. Now, I have laxed on the don't date where you work rule slightly so him and I working together is not the issue in the slightest, my main issue with the whole pursuit of me is that dude is married.

In the blog entry prior to this I mentioned that I would have to get some one straight which could result in the loss of a friendship and he is the very person I was talking about. He and I spoke briefly over the weekend, he invited me out to dinner since my plans fell through and I said "No." As the conversation went on he made a rather abrasive comment to me, after I told him why my messing with him would not be a very good idea (like I really had to run it down). After I checked him he apologized and we ended it there.

I come in Monday morning (this morning) and he pings me like nothing happened. :-I I don't get that. Why do some people tend to act like nothing happen when they push things to far? He came into my office to hold a conversation but I was just so totally disturbed by the comment he made that I was not much in the mood for conversation. As I was IMing my girlfriend about the exchange he asked me was there something wrong?? Naaaaw, ya think?

That is when I had to let him know that he was pressuring me to much and I am not one that reacts well to pressure in situations like these, especially in a case where there is nothing he can say or do to change my answer from no to yes. Granted he once again apologize and stated he was trying to persuade me and came off abrasive, once again my answer is not going to change.

*scratching my head* Now... I know some times I get confused a lil easily or dare I say a little slow at times and I try not to assume so people have to spell things out for me and I do the same in return but 1) I was once married to a man who consistently cheated on me, why would I want to place some one else in that position? 2) I want some one I can go to sleep with and talk to at night, wake up to in the morning, argue and make up with, I want holidays etc; all in all I want some one to be there and spend time. I can't get that with him. 3) I don't want some one else's man. Given all of that what makes some one think that they are what I need if they are married and can't give me all of that? I mean I spell it out for you and you still coming after it because you "want it"?

See, one thing about me is that I can zone out and disconnect emotionally and mentally at any moment. People tend to feel as though they know me so well or they focus on the warm and inviting part of my personality, with out realizing there is a another side of me that cuts folks off, cuss them out and will walk away with no feelings about it what so ever. I feel as though my alter ego is going to make an appearance and cut off a couple of people very soon.

I don't know right now when it comes to relationships I am feeling very numb and overall through with the games, bs and shenanigans. One thing I can say about being a real quiet observer, I can sit and watch people hangs themselves with the rope I have given them all the while chuckling to myself anticipating the finale, yet they have no clue that deep down inside I really, really just don't give damn. I know that may sound mean but hey my alter ego is coming out because the good, compassionate and nurturing part of me is tired and needs a break. I am seriously about to start cleaning house from friends to acquaintances to certain family members... I just don't have the energy for people and their BS any more.

Miss. Lady has officially left for an extended vacation and Shanigga (name is compliments of my daughter's father) is coming out to clean house.

Just Some Thoughts...

Wednesday was the start of another mini session for school. So my procrastinating behind did not begin participating in discussion questions until Saturday night. In all the classes I have with the exception for one I have not really encountered any one who used the wrong tone with me until this afternoon. One of my class mate's tone was really out of order and I had to go and put her back in her place. I hate having to tactfully tell some one to GFY. UGH! I mean really if you don't know someone then why allow your first interaction give them the wrong impression of you as a person, which results in you getting told?? I know one thing her ass better not respond to another one of my answers again or it will be entertainment for the whole class the rest of these remaining 4 weeks.

I don't know why I am feeling a sense of frustration tonight. I am just hoping it does not flow into my day tomorrow. I decided that I will start seeing a therapist again. I feel as though I am on the edge of a serious snap off sometimes. I know I take to much from certain people and I know I take on to much in general and I also know that I have some issues from the past that I need to deal with.

Anyway...

Over the weekend I quickly found out that some one in my circle has life and bull shit mixed up and this is yet another person I will have to get straight, which may potentially ruin what has come to be a very good friendship. Cryptic? Why yes it is. I would explain the situation but I don't have the energy nor the want to blog about it, I don't need to put it in writing to know the situation is messed up and over all it is not God's best.

I swear it is the stupid things people do that make me lose all respect for them and overall not like them.

My weekend plans did not go as planned, my girlfriend caught the flu and had to cancel the ladies only party she was throwing so I ended up chilling the rest of the day. I spoke to the friend I spoke of in the previous paragraph and some what snapped on him. I ended up going out to dinner and having a really good time. Food, alcohol (occasional), and good company is some what of a comforting thing, now I am itching to get back to the billiards place; I got spanked last time and feel as though I need to redeem myself.

Just DAMN! DAMN, DAMN, DAMN! &*()) &*()*_)

I just got back in from my consult with the oral surgeon... DAMN!

Ok, my peculiar ass has 5 wisdom teeth not 4 so he has decided to remove the fifth one and leave the one that it came in beside alone, the impacted one has to come out because I have a cavity right where it's resting on the tooth next to it and the one up top needs to come out as well, then the one that is bothering me has to come out.

Considering I am 31, those jokers are in unusually tight spots sooooooo that means, a 10 day recovery, one week off from work along with two weeks of swelling pain killers, antibiotics, mouth wash and a "soft diet".

I swear as I was driving home I just had to sit and wonder can't anything in my life I mean ANYTHING be easy? A fifth tooth? Like my girlfriend said, "Only you."

On top of that I am not going to get put all the way out. Light sedation with local anesthesia. That is as unaware as they will allow for me to be.

I was a little uneasy when they showed me the "brief video" on wisdom teeth... ok my ass was SCARED. I was sitting there holding my mouth and rocking back and forth as the video played along all the while eyeing the door while making plans to make a break for it when the nurse came back in.

She came in and asked if I was scare and I said, "YES!" Then she told me no worries I will be ok and left me to wait for the doctor. The only thing that calmed my nerves was Taylor Dane's "I'll Always Love You" playing through the speakers. It took me back to some happy times in my life, then the doctor rolled in dropped the truth on me and now I am PETRIFIED.

Ok... now that I have gotten all that out of my system I am slightly ok. My level of fright has been reduced from petrified to scared.

Ahhh Hump Day...

I am so tired right now but I suppose that is what happens when you make an executive decision to watch the season premiere of Keysha Cole and stay up late to catch the rerun of the new episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Why do they put all the good shows on at the same time on Tuesday night?? Damn! I missed SVU as well. Why don't they spread the love? There is never anything good on TV Wednesday night, now that is a night that needs some love. I think I may need to look into getting a DVR I refuse to be chasing reruns for the rest of my life.

Anyway...

I can officially say my girlfriend is walking corruption. She quickly infiltrates the brain and has me remembering her evil comments and bursting out in fits of uncontrollable laughter through out the day. People are wondering what in the world is going on with me.

Last night during a scene on Real House Wives of Atlanta (RHOA), Dwight (NeNe's Friends) revealed his secret for being 50 years old but looking like he was 30 years old. He said he has sex three times a day... out of the silence my girlfriend said, "I believe it. Look at his KNEES! Just look at them."

That comment is still with me and as I posted a comment to another girlfriend on our list serve I found the comment replaying in my head and busted out laughing. I am not sure if I posted what I originally wanted to post. This is the second time this week she has done this to me and it much stop. LOL!

....... Ok I am calm now. The laughter is over and the excitement has set in as tomorrow is Thursday which is some what the end of my work week as I work Fridays from home. Fridays tend to be really, really, quiet so I take time to multitask between getting some work out of the way for the following two weeks and getting house work out of the way.

I am so looking forward to this weekend; child free, good company, food, wine, good cheer and maybe even a little love. But with everything I have to make it through the day... I have the appointment with the oral surgeon. I am hoping this surgery is not going to go outside of the benefits limits for my dental insurance (saying a prayer) and then tomorrow a special some one is coming to visit me at my office for a spell, so I suppose I can wait out for the weekend as there are many good things to come along the way to it.

These Kids Today...

Yesterday evening I walked into the daycare to find the owner holding the door to their "time out room" I hear what sounded like a wild animal in there trying to get out. The door was rattling, the young child was in there screaming. The owner was red and sweating like she just took a 45 min aerobics class and she had a look of fear on her face. I asked her how she was doing, she told me she had better day. My being the concerned person I am asked her, what was wrong? She then said, "I just got beat down by a five year old. I am trying to hold him in here until his uncle or mother comes for him."

Damn, is it like that. As I went to go pick up my child thinking she has a wonderful day to my dismay Tyson cut the hell up. She was out on the play ground and tried to poke a little boy in the eye with a stick. Her teacher took said stick away and threw it in the trash. Tyson was then ordered to the corner for time out and threw one of her infamous temper tantrums. She then proceeded to inform her teacher that she was going to "tell my mommy" (me) and the teacher said, "No I am going to tell Mommy" and then that is when my child had to take it a step further... she threatened to pee on herself out of sheer anger and she did.

In away this was one of those instances where you go some where and giggle then you come back and discipline. I don't know what has gotten into her she turned 3 and just decided she was going to break bad on everyone. Well I took away her TV and she went to bed early only to wake up, cut up and receive a spanking before everything was all said and done. When will they learn??

Now I pose this question to you, how many five year olds can you take on in a fight??

http://www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com/

Playing With Fire...

What is it about a situation where you know you are clearly playing with fire but you simply can't stop? I mean the situation has you so mesmerized and in your moral mind , your rationale mind you know that you need to stop but there is a part that wonders how close can you get to the flame with out getting burned??

Is there ever an instance where you can play with fire even for a little bit and not get burned?

Anyway...

I have been trying to figure out how to help a friend with out creating a false hope that there is going to be something more than a friendship with this person. Yes, this person and I used to date many moons ago and we dated off and on for years; but once you do me wrong and/or cross me I cannot fathom ever going back with that person no matter how much they may have changed. Something happens and I look at people different, I act differently and the dynamics of our situation along with my feelings for them tend to change. I eventually come to a point where I can be friends with them because I still care, but that is how I do after the love is gone.

Story of my life, they don't appreciate me when they have me then regret it after I leave. Now I am trying not to hurt feelings in the midst of just trying to be a good friend. :(

I am usually good at side stepping certain conversations and questions (I could be a politician LOL!) but when a person tells you that they love you, there is no side stepping it. In this case it was just awkward silence, I don't tell some one that I love them if I don't. To me love is a serious expression of feelings that needs not to be played with. Anyway, I know that does not matter to him... I am sure he is thinking that once he gets back to the east coast it is game on and he will change things...I seriously doubt that would be possible...

It is so amazing to be loved but it makes for a messed up situation when you just don't feel the same in return.

I Got Checked....

To kick off the birthday events I took the kids out to eat at the Olive Garden (I love Olive Garden) as I sat down I began to feel as though I wanted a glass of wine with my entree, so I asked the waitress for a glass of White Zinfandel. As I took a sip from the glass my son asked me if it was "real wine" I told him yes and then here came the lecture on drinking.

He felt as though just because I drank a glass of wine that I was going to become an alcoholic... apparently this is what they taught them in school and Lord knows what their father has told them. So, I for the sake of enlightening I asked him to explain to me what they told him in school. I got this, " my teacher said that you cuss, fight, hurt people's feelings and then you get in a car, crash and die."

So I spent all of dinner trying to undo what the teacher did and explained to him that alcohol is ok in moderation and then when I caught myself breaking down to him the difference in wine and liquor I just figured I would stop; I was giving him to much information.

Overall it has been quite an exhausting weekend and next weekend if my child free weekend so I shall find something to do with myself and relax.

This Is The Day...

That the Lord has most certainly made as three years ago today at 4:30 AM the angles in heaven sang a perfect song as my daughter made her grand entrance into this world.



Last night I had the hardest time getting to sleep because I could not take my eyes off of her. The pain and discomfort of 18 hours of labor was most certainly worth it. Lil Bit has grown and blossomed into a beautiful, extremely intelligent and loving kid.



As always my prayers, dreams and hopes is for her to be whole, healthy, accomplished and happy.



Happy Birthday Baby. Mommy Loves you...

Brighter Day...

I know there was much excitement in the air amongst many Americans yesterday as we took back our country by choosing a competent president to lead this country, but for some reason i was in a serious funk.

I am not quite sure if it was a combination of PMS, being on pain meds for my teeth, the nervousness of having to have all 4 teeth removed, and a whole host of other things I had going on but I wanted to literally cry out of sadness. The only time I seemed to have gotten a boost in my spirit was when I went to go vote.

I admit I felt as though having to find time with in my work day to go vote was more of a task than anything. As soon as I hit the polling place and saw there was no line, no wait my spirits began to lift, I felt my excitement grow as I was given my ballot card and I felt a rush of adrenaline as I made my selections and casted my final ballot.

Yet, the joy and excitement I felt was temporary and my feeling of sadness came back up on me again. I took a moment and prayed because I felt bad about not being as excited as the rest of the country that we were finally going to have someone in office that not only looked like me but most importantly would be affective in facilitating change with in this country and the world.

Anyway.. I got to my the watch party my girlfreind was throwing had a glass of wine and some food. I was good. My spirits immediately lifted as I saw Obama take the electoral votes like it was no body's business. I knew I was not going to feel like it was a done deal until McCain made his concession speech and I was quite proud of him for doing it early. Yeah, I said I was proud of McCain he could have challenged the out come in those states that we really really tight but he didn't.

I know some people cried and boo hooed all through out the night I found myself being in such a state of excitement that I could not get to sleep despite the fact that I had to go to work the next day.

In the end this all leaves me with one question, why is election day NOT a Federal holiday?

Considering the fact that Repubs. complain about the unfairness of early voting if you make it a holiday then every one will have ample time and opportunity to go out and vote. Hey, just a thought.

Yesterday the clouds and the rains came, today I woke up this morning to a slightly warm sunny day... must be ominous of the brighter days to come. Congratulation President Barack Obama, I simply can't wait to see what type of change is going to come.

I's A Punk!

Years ago I went to the dentist and was told that my wisdom teeth would have to come out because it was clear by the X-Rays they were impacted. I felt fine did not pay any attention to it so I thought I had time to get it done and put it off for many, many years. Due to time, space, babies, lack of insurance, money all that good stuff I never went back to have them removed.

Over the years my teeth would bother me off and on but it was nothing some Ibuprofen could not handle, until now. I was sick with a sinus cold last month and my teeth were hurting like they ain't (yeah I said ain't) never hurt before. I thought I was in the clear once I got over my little sinus cold but I was not. Here I am three weeks later in serious pain. I have tried to get up the nerve to at least make an attempt to seek out a dental care professional, however the punk in me would not allow for it.

See I don't like needles, sharp objects and or having things cut on or yanked out of my body. I just can't do it at alll. I can't imagine it and I have a low tolerance for pain... seriously I do. In the end my co worker told me (more like commanded) that I had to do something about it because I could not stay in pain so he referred me to his dentist and managed to get an appointment for next week. He offered to hold my hand...lol... he is sooo silly but still I am scared. :(

The nurse explain that I would have to come in so they can see how bad it was and then refer me to the oral surgeon.... ummm surgeon = surgery again, I'm scared. :(

I have to take my daughter to the dentist tomorrow for her first dental appointment and I have been trying to talk to her about it. I have been trying to explain to this child that I have to hold down just to brush her teeth that it is not going to hurt, when I am terrified of the dentist myself. Maybe she is picking up on my feelings about the dentist which is fueling her insistence on not going.

Am I wrong...

For thinking this video is hilariously funny? I have been laughing uncontrollably at this...

Ahhhhhhh....

I feel so much better today. I went to Wednesday night service... I suppose a good does of the word can put just about any one in a better mood. :)

How not to take on too much? I clearly do not know the answer to that question that is why I am asking. In the last two weeks I have taken on a lot of new projects at work and outside of work. Not necessarily saying that it is a problem and I won't be able to handle the work load but I can see things getting out of hand if I am not careful. Ok, so maybe I need to start utilizing the word 'no' (no is my favorite word..LOL!) but there are certain people in my life that I cannot say no to.

I don't know, considering I am purposely trying to keep myself busy I suppose I shall not complain but I need to set a limit for myself as not to become overwhelmed and essentially burn myself out (which I have been known to do).

I am going to have to schedule some more night like Saturday night for myself to keep me calm, relaxed and sane. ;) I am beginning to see the need and benefit of having a comfort zone.

If...

You realized how much I don't care then maybe you would stop trying so hard. If you realized that I am not easily impressed with material possessions then may be you would stop being so bragadocious. If you stopped to see how I am not phased by you then may be you would actually catch a clue and go away. If you would stop wasting my time like there is an abundance of it then may be I won't be so hesitant to spend time with you. If you stopped and gave some thought to how your actions make me feel and how you would feel if I did the same to you then maybe you would handle things differently. If you realized that I have peeped your game and know what you have been up to then maybe you will realized that I am not pressed for you and I am sitting here laughing my ass off at you.

Yes, yes I am feeling rather irritable and evil today. Don't you ever have one of those days where you just cannot stand people in general?

Things Not To Say...

Yesterday I went to go look at an apartment that I consider to be in the perfect loaction. When I got there we went through the usual Q & A she asked me for my ID so she could show me the model unit. She showed me all the things I was not interested in, like the laundry room. No maam, no, no, no mamm. When will you be putting the washer and dryers in the rest of the units? Don't do laundry rooms. Plus, I am going to be paying a mortgage in rent, with a "shared utility fee" on top of rent, I have to pay electric as well and you mean to tell me you are going to charge me to use the washer and dryer??? LOL! Nope, nope I will require a in unit W/D mmmmkay?! Thanks!

So as we walk up stairs she takes me outside to show me the security entrance, which is a plus. Damn where was security entrance feature 6 years ago? Anyway, I told her that was a plus for me because I have this pet peeve about people just dropping by my house unannounced. She then told me that it is good but it is a pain when people get the wrong apartment number, apparently she lives in the complex herself. So she was telling me that one of her neighbors has men going in and out of her apartment all day and night like she is running a business out of there, then she said she was going to go and ask her what was she doing for her to have so many men strolling in and out of her apartment.

Now, if you are trying to get me to rent from you then you need not tell me tales of or allude to ho strolling that is going on with in the complex. I have children and I particulary don't want to be around that, especially since I am not getting the business myself (that's a whoooole nother blog). I mean there are just somethings you keep under wraps when you trying to sell something to someone.

I like the place over all and the thing that would bring me back is the in unit washer/dryer, renovated bathrooms (I am particular about my bathrooms) and the security entrance. But the ho strolling stays in the back of my mind. I am still looking though. This has to be a well informed and thought out decision for me and I have to consider all the lil hidden fees apartments are trying to charge now (that's how I got got the last time).

Back to looking for a place to call my home.

Allllll Discombobulate

My phone rang for the fifty millionth time this afternoon and just when I thought it was another anxious candidate calling to find out if there is anything else they need to do before they can start work, it turned out to be the sexiest voice I had ever HEARD!

I damn near fell out of my chair. Since this call was work related I could not flirt and he was trying to keep things as professional as possible. We resolved one issue then I asked him to correct a mistake I made (Sweetly asked for a favor). I was rather thankful when he resolved that issue but when he said, "Yeah that's why they call me Mr. Magic Fingers" I had to wrap the call up because I was feeling light headed and could not think nor breath. At this moment I am rather discombobulated.... I can't think straight. LOL!

And to think this man and I have been scrapping via work email for months... maybe he had it with me and figured he would call to get an explanation. Oh well none the less he made my day... I can't breath.

Anyway...

Parts of my weekend were ok. I got dragged into some home drama and I found out who really has my back this weekend (thanks for being there guys). I made the decision to move out of my Dad's home sooner than later. So, let the apartment hunting begin. Hopefully this will not be a painful experience and I will be writing blogs about how I hate the art of moving come January (or sooner).

Cocktail Conversation... High Fidelity or Infidelity?

Maybe I am an idealist who sets unrealistic expectations for who ever is to be my partner; but I expect any man that is going to be in a relationship with me to be faithful.

As I talk to more and more people about the subject of infidelity and being faithful it seems as though the belief that monogamy is unnatural and unrealistic with in relationships is becoming a very popular one.

Yeah, I get the fact that we as humans are animals and we still posses a basic and primal need for certain things but we do have the choice to do or not to do. I really don't know... I sit and listen to the rationale behind it and I am not going to say that I don't understand it because I can see it from their point of view; I suppose I am focusing more of the emotional hurt that it can cause than anything.

Anyway, I am going to throw a few questions on the floor...

Should people not set a standard or expectation for their partner to be faithful to them? Should infidelity be one of those things that happen? If your home life was good and your partner is taking care of home would you want to know or care if your partner is stepping out?? Could you see yourself going back to and being with some one who has clearly cheated on you?

Addicted...

As of late I realized that I have grown addicted to a few things. I don't know how to stop or at this point I don't think I want to stop. For the last few weeks it has been the following:

Young and the Restless - Good ole CBS done messed up by posting the day's show online. See they post the show recap at 6:30PM and then at 7 PM they post the actual show that aired earlier that day. I cannot stop. Some times I find myself sneaking onto the site from work and looking at the previews and trying to figure out what is going to happen next. It had engulfed me and is now my new addiction.


Milk Duds- I LOVE caramel. It is just a good sweet treat that is yummy scrummy for my tummy. I have been eating nothing but Milks Duds the whole weekend and I can't stop. Even if I have cavities and risk loosing all of my teeth (exaggerating at its finest) I could never stop eating them.

Chick-Fil-A- I went after my good friend Rashad suggested I go in lieu of going back to Wendy's. I can't stop going. I have budgeted money in my monthly budget just to go get Chick- Fil-A for me and the kids.

Ok, maybe these are more phases than addictions. Yeah, like the lime popsicle phase I went through; I craved them for months or the steak phase... errr oh no not the steak phase *nervous laughter* my being pregnant with Lil Bit and not knowing it is what caused the steak phase. I will see what pans out but right now I am going to the store, they have boxes of Milk Duds on sale 10 for $10 and I need to stock up.

This all sucks considering just joined a weight loss challenge at work, now I have to sneak and hide. Just UGH!

It's Been A Minute...

Since I last wrote a blog entry. Ok, it has been a little over a week but for me that is a minute. A whole lot has been going on with in the foreground and backgrounds of this thing called my life and most of it I have no control over so I have been continuing to focus on the things that I can control and pretty much deal with at this point.

In not trying to focus on the bad but my little cousin, who is 8 (I am the oldest of 16 grandchildren) was just diagnosed with Pre-B Leukemia and has been enduring tests and chemotherapy treatments for the last few weeks; the battle looks like it will be a long one as they have no set date for when she will be released from the hospital. Though they caught it in the early stages and they say it is curable (and I know that God is good he will heal her) it is all taking a toll on her parents and the family as a whole. So, prayers are requested. Thanks! :) I hate when something like that hits the kids...this is the kind of thing that keeps me up nights starring at the kids while they sleep, praying they remain happy and healthy.

Anyway...

My most recent ex has requested we get back together and I was/am skeptical of it all. It's all good though because he is not making much effort in "trying" to get us back together and my mind is not there... he is probably reading but he knows all of this. The other ex that I discussed in two other blog entries and I have been talking. This person was my friend before we started dating and he will for ever be my friend. We had not spoken in months because I needed time to accept things for what they are and get back into the mind set of him and I having to just be friends (we split due to circumstances beyond both our control). None the less I like having my friend back.

I swear he is the definition of a good man, how a man is supposed to treat and be with a woman. I suppose it is what it is, I am not tripping about any of it because looking at some on going situations of my friends as of late I am beginning to feel happy about being single and not having to deal with the drama, hurt and pain that can possibly come about when in a relationship with someone. Ok, so I am using that as an excuse or cop out so to speak to avoid (my avoidance issues) having to give my love and let down my guard to allow some one in, but it is what it is. What am I to do about that exactly? Who knows?

Moving on quickly...lol...

I have so much catching up and reading to do on everyone elses spots it is ridiculous. See, this is what happens when I take a 5 week Economics course which is to be immediately followed my a 5 week Marketing class... what was I thinking? I want to get this isht over with, that is what I was thinking.

Avoidance...

No, I have not been avoiding writing blog entries as of late. I simply have not really felt like blogging. Hasn't any one ever felt that way before? Also there seems to be some things going on that can pan out either way and I rather not blog about them until I definitely know how things are going to turn out, considering the fact that I am not focused on such things lets just say it may be a while before it shows up as a blog entry.

Any way...

I am not much of a confrontational person. Yeah if I have to become confrontational then yes I will be, but I prefer not to be, especially when it requires for me to make a decision, say some things that may hurt feelings or have a discussion about past events and feelings. Negative.

This is precisely the reason why I like to keep people at arms length and restrict their ability to come into contact with me. It is so easy to ignore an email, delete a text message, send a mofo to voice mail or stay invisible on IM and with my not divulging where I live I can avoid those coming to your house in your face type situations (I used to hate those). Yeah, the in your face situations make the whole act of avoidance difficult, can't necessarily avoid what is in your face and that is where one has no choice but to confront the situation that they have been presented with.

See all that is the part of the reason why I am glad classes have started back up today, now I have a serious legitimate distraction from it all. I know my avoidance may not be healthy for me but it works. :) Maybe one day I will work through it all but today is not going to be the day and starting tomorrow looks very unlikely.

So until my next entry (Lord only knows when that will be) stay easy all of my two, maybe three readers. LOL!

Damn...

I logged onto Yahoo this morning to be greeted with the news that my bank had sold out to Citigroup. That little tid bit of news did not bring any happiness to me this morning and it actually brought about a strong curiosity as to exactly what changes are going to take place and when?

At this point there are all of four major commercial banking institutions left and only one I particularly have a liking for and since I cannot stand Citigroup I am just might be leaving before my unconditional free checking complete with Way 2 Save account is completely ripped away from me, forcing me to conform to sucky Cititgroup BS (yes I went and looked to see what Citigroup has to offer).

If any one can recommend a good bank then please let me know. If all else fails I will just go back to the old tried and true credit union.

What's Your Price?

I was on CNN's website yesterday and came across an interview with a Louisiana lawmaker trying to to push a law/program that will pay low income mothers $1k to get their tubes tided, in efforts to decrease the stress on the welfare system down there.

I told my girlfriend about it because I know she is a proponent of forced sterilization in instances where folks who can't afford children, won't stop having them. When I told her about it she jokingly (at least I hope) said that she would tie her tubes for 1k because she was broke.

This morning as I was getting ready I was thinking about our other conversations that we have had over the last few month about what we would or would not do for money or to ease our financial woes. It just made me wonder how far would anyone go? What is your price and what would you do for that price?

Me, personally? I don't know, what my price is and I clearly don't know what I would do for said price.... what ever it may be.

I truly think that my growing up in the conditions that I grew up in has made it so I can live under the conditions of being broke; as clothes shopping for us kids consisted of us going to the fabric store and picking out a pattern of our choice along with the fabric for my mother to sew our clothes. Once I hit 15, 16 years of age I was able to get a job after school and work thus in my mother's eyes I was on my own to fin for myself (i.e. cloth, feed etc;) so I had to figure out a way to make sure I had all that I needed.

I suppose growing up teetering on the poverty line has always placed me in a state of not being phased by the concept of money and how much of it I have or what I will do to get it. I have always been thankful and content to have the things that I needed in life and always sat down writing out lists and plans on how I am going to increase my finances. <~~~ hey I like to do certain things that need funding.

Yet and still I know how to stretch a dollar... ok in these times I would say five dollars but still I can do it, I know how to get creative with it. LOL!

Anyway... at this time my answer to my own question really is I don't know. I am pretty sure I have a price and a limit to how far I will go or what I will do; but I have not discovered it nor do I particularly want to.

So, what say you? What would you do and how much are you charging?

The Price of Comfort

For the last few months my left eye has been twitching and the twitching has gotten considerably worse with in the last two to three weeks. It was not until I turned my office light off as I was trying to shut down my computer to go home yesterday that I realized being in the dark was sooo much better than sitting under those florescent lights.

Considering I was not fortunate enough to be assigned an office with any kind of a window I figured I would have to buy a lamp. My girlfriend recommended Ikea. I went onto the Ikea website and immediately found lamps that would illuminate my office with out putting me into the poor house. I figured I would go on my lunch break today, run into Ikea and come right back to work. NOT!

With this being my first time stepping foot into an Ikea store I was a tad bit overwhelmed by the lay out. I have been in big warehouse type stores but the layout of this Ikea sucked. I felt like I was lost in a damn maze. It was not until I asked the lady if they had a section solely consisting of lamps that I got some significant direction.

She looked at me like I was in sane for even asking where the lamps were located but got a great understanding when I told her I have never been in this store before. <~~~ Heffa

Anyway...

I was on the first floor feeling like I was seriously caught up in the damn Matrix. Then some random customer comes up to me and asked me if I worked there. Hayle naw dude! Don't you see that I am not dresses in Ikea gear?? Do you not see that I am clearly distressed trying to maneuver this maze they call a damn store?

I swear the things we do for comfort... I finally chose a cheap lamp and high tailed it back to work. I had spent enough time trying to find my way around that damn store. I suppose it was worth it though because it is providing me with a comfortable amount of light.

The trip still messed up my game plan. In light of PETA's attempt to force Ben & Jerry's to use human breast milk to make their ice cream opposed to cows milk, I felt it was my duty to stop by the grocery store, stock up on Ben & Jerry's ice cream then turn around and get a chicken sandwich from Chick Fil A.

I have nothing against folks who don't eat meat, wear fur etc; because truth be told, I really don't eat meat much my damn self if at all. I am just feeling as though some things just get taken a little bit to far. There are good ideas, then there are not so good ideas and making ice cream with human breast milk to sell to billions of people around the world is not one of those good ideas.

At this moment they need to STAD and STFU.<~~~ I say with a coke and a smile.

Hmmmmm...Fishing For Info??

My ex just called me out of the blue and asked me if there was "a church wedding in my future". My first response to that was to laugh, not because the thought, the idea of my remarrying is ridiculous, that could be far from the truth; it just that marriage is not on my radar right now.

When I asked him what would make him ask such a question, he told me that he had a dream that I got married. As he was telling me about this "dream" I began to wonder if this was his way of finding out my status with out putting himself out there... he is a real forward person... naw he would not do that, or so I thought.

After he finished telling me about this big beautiful wedding I had, he then again asked if there was "a church wedding in my future". Honestly, I have no clue when God has a church wedding in store for me and right now a church wedding is not my focus, which is what I explained to him.

The point of the conversation began to become clear to me when he asked, "you mean to tell me in these 9 months you have not had any suitors?" so I gave him a brief synopsis (very brief, not worth speaking of) of that last relationship that I was in.

So after I finished that 5 min explanation, he started creeping in with how he has been THINKING about me and as he started to tell me how he has been thinking about me, his phone went dead.

Now all I can do is just sit here with a blank stare and vigorously shake those thoughts and the conversation out of my head. I am trying to keep my focus on where it has been the past three months...

Like I said in a previous post they always, always come back.

Wendy's, Will They Ever Get it Right?

As 5 PM is quickly approaching I am starting to think about what to cook for dinner and decided that along with the days boredom I am also feeling lazy so I will treat the Lil one tonight and go get something.

In knowing my child she is going to want Wendy's; though their food is really good their service SUCKS. Yes, I am about to start complaining or as I like to say expressing my observations in a critical manner.

I can deal with the cashiers at the window but my GOD, can they get the order right? Can I get more than one napkin? Can I also get some ketchup or even asked if I want anything besides sauce for my daughter's nuggets?

I am still trying to figure out how the chic that took my order last time got a medium from my saying SMALL?? I just don't understand. Oh and what takes the cake is when they are not like "welcome to Wendy's how may I help you??" but more so, "wha chu want?"

Also, what is up with them getting rid of their $0.99 menu? Damn I knew the economy was bad but is it really that bad to take 4 pc. nuggets from $.99 to $1.29 and throw in an extra nuggets for good measure? LOL! So you mean to tell me I am paying $.30 for an extra nugget. Is $.30 going to make all the difference? LOL!

Well, I get better service at McDonald, outside of the guy at the McDonald's drive through window that stares at me like he has something REALLY, really, really important to ask me. Like he has a list of serious questions that I only have the answers to. Well, either way we are going to McDonald's tonight and that is my final word on it.

Random Stuff...

It is so weird to go from having thoughts that run one after another, to thinking about and trying to remember the fifty million things I have to do, to just being in a state of pure silence with zero thoughts running through my head. I feel like I am about to go crazy, like I am getting bored and need something to fill my time until school starts back up and the sorority year gets back into full swing (I won't be too active this service year).

Anyway, one of my many pregnant cousins had her baby yesterday. he was so cute, it all took me back to when my children were born. I love me some babies. They are all soft, cute and cuddly. They smell so good and make the cutest noises. Over all I love kids period, I can say that parent hood has been the best part of my life hands down.

Though raising children is very challenging, often times tiring and frustrating it can be down right funny. Kids always say and do the darnedest things. I have always felt as though there is no true love until you experience the love that is between a child and parent. In some ways I really wish I had that type of relationship with my parents but in the end I am glad I have it with my children.

Anyway...

I wish 5 PM would hurry up and roll around so I can go pick my child up from school and take us home.

When I picked Lil bit up yesterday I took the liberty of checking out the shoes the other lil girls in her class were wearing and yes; they were wearing the "fun" shoes. So I figured I would break down and buy her a pair of "fun" shoes for her to specifically wear to school. She has also been begging for a pair of boots too, so I will see. Who knew girls started this early with wanting specific things and being fashionistas? I don't know maybe because in certain aspects of my life I am a late bloomer and just really starting to get into all this fashion stuff and make up.

At any rate I suppose I will allow her to enjoy the fashion freedom this year because once I enroll her in private school next year, all that wear what you want is a wrap. She will be in a uniform Monday thru Friday and I will be a happy mom. Shoot, it is school not a fashion show. <~~~ Wow, I really sounded like a Mom there. Lawd, Jesus help me??

The Ice Cream Social...

Ended up being more of a come get your ice cream then peace out type deal, for which I was down with. I was not down with it out of being anti social but I just had entirely to much work to do today and could not afford to sit and have senseless, painful small talk with some one that I particularly did not care to speak to at that moment (ok so anti social played a role).

I walked into the auditorium and there were three small groups of people collected together in their cliquish circles speaking amongst themselves and I noticed a small group of older guys huddled together (yes black dudes). As I went to go get my creamsicle I felt as though eyes were upon me and boy oh boy was I right. As I turned around to leave I peeped one of the dudes with in their lil guy circle eyeballing me and as I walked out I took note of him making the statement, "I would like a little bit of that"...

Seasoned men need not wish heart attacks or any kind of heart failure upon themselves. In short, leave me alone.

Anyway...

Last week was the end of my Summer quarter and yesterday I registered and finalized classes for Fall quarter so I am happy that I can now spend the next few weeks of coming home and having to do nothing school related.

I am so excited that I am almost done with this decade long project that I want to do back flips. I know I will need to find a tutor for statistic (I hate stats) and possibly logic as those are the two obstacles that are really standing in my way at this point. Outside of logic and stats I can call it done and prepare for starting grad school this time next year.

Once again, God is good.

Some Political Commentary

I don't know about any one else but I am tired of the lying and back biting (more so tired of folks believing that isht) that comes along with politics as I feel it is taking attention off of the real issues that really need to be addressed (i.e. the economy).

I really think any presidential nominee should be required to write out what they are going to do, how they are going to do it and where they intend on obtaining the funds from in order to execute what ever proposed program, policy change, tax cut etc;

Each major paper will publish their proposals (at the same time, no cheating) and the online media will have a special section for readers to go and see the truth in plain English. Granted, the candidates have all this info on their perspective websites but I would like to see something a little more detailed.

Then the American people can have some solid questions and/or comments in regards to the candidates' proposed changes opposed to calling some one an elitist because of their education or deeming someone as a wholesome soccer mom because of the "image" she supposedly portrays. <~~~ rolling eyes

I so cannot wait for this election to be over. Every time I hear a McCain speech I get sick to my stomach and I wish the Dems would take the gloves off and get to clackin them bones (knuckles) on their foreheads.

Since it is apparent that for some people this election has come down to race I would venture to say that each nominee be hidden like the Wizard of Oz only to be a booming voice over a loud speaker and only to be revealed after a winner is declared... I suppose that is fairy tale thinking. But how much worse can it be to elect someone off of proposed changes for the country alone?

Ok, I just had a vision of Martin coming out dressed as Jerome declaring he has won the presidency... oooo bad thought. Yet and still, it is not like we have not already been lead by stupidity, ignorance and ego.

Days Just Run Together...

I am not even in the "awww it's Monday already" mode. My days are beginning to feel as though they are running together more so than ever. Some days I look up and I have to remind myself which day of the week it is. If it was not for the fact that I put all of my appointments in my blackberry and enter meetings and such in my work calender then I would be toast.

Anyway...

Last night my cousin and her boyfriend announced their engagement. It was such a cute and touching moment. I remember when I used to change her diapers.:) My family took the opportunity to make comments on my absence and some attempted to catch up on the goings on in my life, which is not much of anything.

I was not going to even begin to explain to them the whole concept behind the valley moment. They would not get it nor would it go over well. All I could do was let them know if they need me for anything then I am a phone call away and a full tank of gas I will always have to get to who ever needs me. But for now it seems as though God wants me to himself and he want me to focus on four key areas in my life and for once I am going to be obedient to that... just tired of ending up in the same place no matter what I do, so I can't go wrong following God.

I am enjoying a week off from my girlfriend's self reflection assignments. I have often considered going back to see a therapist to work through some past issues in regards to my parents (or their lack of parenting) but with her and her assignments I think that is therapy enough. I am sure once she gets back from her vacation we will be delving deeper into our selves. LOL! Oh wow, I can't wait.

Anyway, yes there is drama in the work place as always. Hey there is never a dull moment doing what I do. Gotta love life as an HR Professional, BUT it is not phasing me in the slightest. I do my work, do it well, keep all documentation, go home and sleep rather well at night. So no worries over here.

Maybe tomorrow's blog will be more interesting.

LBIA...

What is LBIA? Laziest Bitch In America. Yep, that is how I feel today and that is pretty much what I am being today. I don't want to do nothing, nothing at all. I feel like this on most weekends but seriously I work hard during the week and most weekends I am on the go with children in tow so every once in a while I deserve to just sit, with breathing being the only activity for the day.

Anyway, my girlfriend reamed me a new one about buying my daughter brown shoes, two pair no less one for school and one for not in school. I still think what I bought was cute.

<~~~~ see cute for school.

However, she felts as though a little girl should have fun shoes, such as the Dora the Explorer shoes that she will tear up in a matter of weeks.

Plus I kept her little New Balance sneakers that she loves so much, which she will be wearing to school until she finishes tearing those up.

Either way the child has more shoes than most grown woman. LOL! She does not need any more shoes. Shoot there are children running amongst dirt and mud with bare feet. She better hush.

It's Friday?

Yeah, I know it's Friday but it does not feel like it is Friday to me. Despite little things here and there this week has been a really wonderful week; I suppose that is why I don't have that over whelming TGIF feeling.

I notice a few thing about me as I begin to get older. I am not phased by a lot of things and my approach to certain situations are not what they would used to be. Well, except this morning when my daughter acted a straight donkey.

I bought her new shoes last night, three pair to be exact; two to wear outside of school and one to wear specifically to school. All three were cute and she basically picked them out herself, well except for the pair she is to solely wear to school. I am tired of paying for shoes only for her to get out on the play ground and tear them up. So the brown shoes are really cute but they are sturdy.

She was already in a pissy mood this morning and would have delightfully went to school straight from waking up if I let her but no dice, wash your ass lil one, let's go. She cried and screamed the whole time I was washing her and brushing her teeth. I got the brush and told her I would whip her butt if she kept acting a fool; she shut up and went on to go get dressed.

Everything was fine she put her clothes on, no problem. Put her new school shoes on. PROBLEM. This chic had a serious melt down. She tried to take the shoes off, started jumping up and down, crying and screaming that she does not want to wear the shoes. My first thought was, you don't want to wear them that is fine you can go to school bare foot for all I care at this point but I know one thing, you are going to stop these damn tantrums.

She was beginning to get to me and I wanted to drag her back into the bathroom and wear her lil behind out but instead I sat down with her yet again and explained that she wears those shoes to school and the others are for when she does not have to go to school. She did not care but she got real quiet as I began fussing at her.

I fussed down the road and I fussed going back home because I forgot (due to fussing) her blanket and sheet because she pissed through them yesterday at school and I fussed at her alll the way to school. Now granted, usually I don't do a lot of fussing at the kids because I don't allow for them to take me there but she got me this morning. She reallly got me.

The most important thing is she and I have an understanding now, today has been a great day despite her acting a fool and I know this evening when I pick her up she will be my old lovable kid.

The Joys of Parenthood: The Back Seat Driver

I know today is 9/11 however I am choosing not to remember such a day. It was a little to much this morning to leave out the house for work at the same time as my Dad and to wonder will he come home today? Or, will it be like 2001 when I thought I had lost him due to plane going into his new office, he was supposed to be moving into at the Pentagon? I now digress...

All I could say this morning is from the mouths of babes. One thing I know I can expect from my children is for them to check me when I am wrong or when they feel I am wrong. I accidentally cuss around my daughter or the boys and I get, "Mom don't say that!" in unison.
I could express a great disdain for something or some one and I get told to "be nice". I suppose it is good to know that they actually learn the things we teach them and have no issue holding me or any one else for that matter accountable for their mistakes.

So, this morning was no different (though I did not do anything). I was driving to drop Lil bit off at school and she is in the back trying to dictate to me which radio station to play because she did not want to particularly listen to the Russ Parr Morning show this morning. She felt as though Steve Harvey was more appropriate, therefore she was telling me which button to push to get Steve. Negative. I go to work, I pay the car note, I am the parent chill out eat your lil pop tart and hush.

As I was turning into the school parking lot a car was coming in the opposite direction. Mind you I have been driving since I was 16 with very little accidents (eyes darting from side to side), I know how to drive, I know what I am doing however my 2 almost 3 year old had no faith in my driving ability as she screamed, "Pay Attention!"

Ok, so I am thinking she is talking to herself. You know, kids play and they do that from time to time. But no, she was yelling at me. So on the way into the day care I get a lecture on the importance of paying attention and how I need to pay attention.

Mhm, I suppose I will remember and regurgitate this "pay attention" lecture the next time she drops jelly on the floor by way of improperly eating a PBJ sandwich.

The Joys of Parenthood:Boys vs. Girls

Just a foreword, in no way am I saying one is better to have than the other. This is just an account from my experience of being a mother of twin boys and a girl...

With that my girl is much more work than my boys are and I have two of them at the same time. My boys have always been really laid back. Their need for my attention was not very great so long as they had their toys, snacks and juice. With in the recent years they have done the typical kid things; stealing and lying for which they were disciplined for, they understood their punishment and never did it again. Yes, they constantly fight however I nipped that in the bud by forcing them to hold hands. Ha, ha the fun part of parenting is that you can do things like that but I digress...

Now my daughter... she requires, no she demands every last bit of my attention. She is emotional and dramatic but she is very loving and caring little soul. She wants what she wants when she wants it.

For instance yesterday, I was taking her to McDonald's for her weekly happy meal. She decides when we get down the road that she does not want a happy meal, she wants Wendy's and felt that she should state that, which is fine. I am all for children expressing their opinions BUT that doesn't mean things are going your way. When I ask her if she has any money in her pockets as she is whining (more like screaming) for me to turn the other way in the direction of Wendy's she says, "no" and then I proceeded to give her two options, 1) you can take the happy meal that I treat you to once a week, orrrr 2) I can turn around, take you home and make you a PBJ sandwich (by law I am legally required to feed her food, not McDonald's exclusively). What is your pleasure my dear because I am not going to Wendy's. Well, she ate the happy meal with much thanks and appreciation.

Never had I ever had to go through that with the boys. Our conversations went like this...

G: Mommy, thank you for toting us back and forth to school everyday.
Me: Awww baby you are welcome.
J: Yeah Mommy, we love you.
Me: Mommy loves you both too.
G: Mom, you are looking real tired. Are you going to be up to cooking dinner tonight?
Me: Maybe, you might get sandwiches.
G: Well... we are passing McDonald's you can just stop and pick up dinner that way you don't even have to go into the kitchen and you can relax.
Me: Mmmmm, sounds like a plan

See?! Smooth! Had I said naw I will just cook he would have shrug his shoulders and said, "ok, cool" but I like his approach. LOL!

Somethings that will be the same across the board, they will get sick, throw up and possibly shit on you if not then in their beds, for quite a few years after they are successfully potty trained you will see skid marks in countless pairs of their under pants, among not really getting it no matter how much you talk to them about and show them how to wipe. Oh and how can I forget, there is a good chance you will not escape the first 4 years with out someone shitting or peeing on the floor or in the bath tub.

Ahhhhhhhhh, parenthood. Gotta love it! :)