Unevenly Yoked...

After Christmas came the big break up...I went into this relationship knowing that in away we were "unevenly yoked" as my girlfriend so gently puts it. What do I mean by unevenly yoked? I make more money than he does, I am in a totally different place in life emotionally, financially and my maturity level is higher. At first it seemed to be an issue because he used to tease me all the time by calling me Ms. Blackberry and at first it was ok but when he continuously referred to me by that nickname like it was my government name, it became rather irritating to say the least. I mean really if I wanted to take it there then I could have in turn referred to him as Mr. Virgin Mobile but that did not phase me so long as he could call and text me.

None the less I liked him and I was falling for him fast so I figured instead of kicking his ass to the curb or putting him in the reserve for some sex when I needed it I figured I would talk to him (ooo did my negro side just come out??). Oh yeah we talked... I quickly learned he was more worried about what others thought and the image that was project opposed to what was underneath the surface. He was concerning himself with my male friends and previous loves who had pretty descent jobs and thought they could woo me back with that alone. Not. They treated me like shit, so how am I going to be wooed back to some one who treated me like shit? How shallow and superficial of a person did he think I really was?

Anyway, as time progressed his funds were always questionable but it was never a big deal to me because if I ate he ate. But to him I was always "paying for everything" and he was just tired of my "paying for everything" every time we went out or buying my own drinks for when I would stay at his house...a sistah cannot live on apple juice alone. In the end I suppose it was entirely to much for him and the soft speech he gave me about how I should not have to pay for anything and he is the man and I need a man that is going to care of me and take care of things over all became a loud scream when he suggested that we part so he can focus and get himself together. Just ugh! I can't knock him for making the choice that he had made and had he of spoken to me I would have gladly stepped out of his way...oh wait, wait a minute let me rethink this... he said, he don't know what he want and I said ok then I am going to let you go and figure that shit out.

None the less I am back to the same place I started, by myself. I suppose that is ok, since I purchased a Dooney bag and an IPod I feel better. According to him that is what "ritzy" type of people do. *roll eyes*

Commencement...

One of my readers had brought to my attention that I did not blog about my graduation ceremony on Saturday and wanted to know why? I am not sure why I neglected to blog about it ...oh yeah I know why. It just was not on my mind to blog about it because the day, the whole weekend itself was hustle and bustle on the go all the time.

I had "issues" getting to the ceremony on Saturday. What should have been a 20 minute trip turned into a 45 minute trip. So after getting lost (took the wrong exit) and finally getting back on the right street I ended up sitting in traffic. A combination of road construction and people trying to get into the parking garages so they could get into the ceremony I was stuck. I did the next best thing, I changed into my cap, gown and stole in the car...oh yeah and I started praying. I was so close to tears because I knew the processional had already started and I did not come all this way not to walk.

Once I finally parked and ran to the arena I got in and they were looking for last minute graduates so they could get people lined up and onto the arena floor. I got to the entrance to the arena floor and found out my degree program had already went in and was seated. I almost lost it until a man on the commencement staff came and introduced himself as frat and vowed to help his soror out(thank God for frat brothers who have a heart for sorors with tears in their eyes), well he got me seated then we sat for what would be a long ass time of speeches; telling us to not stop here at this point move up and move on but come back and work for the school, whah, whah , whah. I spent 14 years working on this and now I am done please, oh please give me my paper??

Anyway... I walked. I was happy. Some sorors of both my sororities walked as well and I hollered for them as they did for me. Afterward I saw my family we took pictures, Sorors stopped by to congratulate me, the kids and I went out to eat and I went home to sleep because I was tired.

Now... I am trying to figure out where do I go from here now that I am done. I need to figure some thing out because one can't take a break when they are on the road to world domination. *evil laughter* Just kidding...maybe, maybe not. >:-)

Marriage.

A few weeks ago I was having a text conversation with El in which he asked me, "What do I have to do to get you to marry me?" Wow, that was a real loaded question and it is coming rather soon in the relationship...but I guess if he feels that strongly then he just feels that strongly. We will see what happens next summer when we have both settled into the relationship fully and our flaws are rearing their ugly heads.

Anyway...

This relationship is making me realize that there are additional areas within myself that I need to work on, which is fine. So I figured I would subject you all to my real thoughts and feelings about subjects like marriage.

No, this is not an anti marriage post. I have always been pro marriage but I have to admit that I fear marriage and what comes with it. My first marriage did not leave a real good impression on me. Not because of what he or I did or said to each other but because of how I was feeling during the marriage. I felt as though my growth and my identity began and ended with marriage. It was stunted, it was like, MARRIAGE. Then when the kids came it was like, MARRIAGE, PARENT. In away it just felt like life stopped after the I dos and the kids and it had no other choice but to begin after the divorce because I was starting over again in every way.

I have actually processed what I am feeling and as a person I have changed. I am beginning to realize that marriage in itself does not make up my identity nor does it make up who I am as a person completely; it would be a part of many things that make up my identity...I get that but allowing myself to move past the fear of my identity, my life stopping at you may kiss the bride is what I know I need to work past. Thank goodness I have time to work through it but it is still hard.

Cupid's Arrow...

Ok, I have to admit that chubby lil bastard got me with his arrow. Over the last few years I have spent time and energy perfecting my nonchalant attitude, being ok with not having a man or dating any one, controlling the level of my feelings for some one and just when my back was turned he shot me...now I am in love.

Who would have thought a few months ago after being stood up by ABB and walking into a fine wine store to purchase a bottle of Riesling would get to the point of a serious and very loving relationship? When people would tell me that it will come when you least expect it or when you are not looking for it; I used to roll my eyes and fight off the urge to tell them to get out of my face with that shit. Ehhhh well I guess they all made sense because that is exactly what happened.

A few months ago ABB and I had made plans to get together. He canceled on me at the last minute claiming he had to "work", so with my having dropped my daughter off to the sitter I had plenty of time on my hands. I was on the phone with my girlfriend who suggested that I stop and get a bottle of wine. Hell not much else to do, so why not enjoy the evening with some alcohol?

The store was big as hell...think of your local grocery store except it is full of any and every kind of wine and liquor you could ever dream of. I walked in and we locked eyes, I smile said hello and went about by business all the while whispering into the phone to my girlfriend about how fine this man looked. As I wandered around lost he offered his assistance, I told him what I was looking for and he took me right to it. We had conversation and he was inquiring about whether I was drinking alone that night(but of course I was drinking alone) he then asked me for my number. We talked on the phone and agreed upon a day to go out on our first date...that was one of the most perfect dates I have ever been on; movies, lunch and a trip to the National Harbor...absolutely perfect.

Now months later we are actually starting to settle down into the relationship, the shine of the new penny has worn off but it is ok...that was bound to happen. I found that I am allowing myself to do things that I other wise would not allow for myself to freely do, like think about building a life/strong relationship with some one and actually place energy into doing that, allowing someone to meet my children or bringing some one home to meet the family...LOL!

He came home with me for the Thanksgiving holiday. My family is harsh and I know off the bat that there were some men that I have dated that I could not take home to them, so for many years I have never really put much energy or emphasis in some one coming to meet the family. I mean seriously that is big for me and they know this. He fit in just fine and my family loves him. :) The kids love him and surprisingly even my ex hubby and his wife (his biggest supporter) like him. Needless to say so far so good. :)

The Art Of Gift Giving,,,

I know it is mid day and I should be working but for some reason I had this blog burning in my mind so I figured getting it off of my mind will help me concentrate on the task that I am paid to do.

Any way I look at gift giving to be an art and in some respects a competition. There is nothing like setting out to find the perfect gift that fits the personality of the person you are buying the gift for. Most important is the expression on their face when they open it and how it stands up to other gifts that were given.

So my daughter turned 4 a few weeks ago and I was so looking forward to seeing her face as she opened up her gifts...I should say I was looking forward to my face at seeing all the clothes that she was gifted and thinking about all the money I was saving because it was less clothing I would have to buy for a child who is constantly growing out of her clothes.


My daughter was excited and over joyed at the toys she got, she was cool on the clothes unless they had sequence or glitter on them but for the most part she had an expression of "what ever" on her face. As I was going through all the clothes she got for her birthday I noticed that one of the shirts she was given had a name written on the tag in marker. I did not think anything of it at first because I know when my Granny buys clothes for the little kids she writes their names on the tags so she knows who she bought it as there are so many of us. Anyway, I went on to wash the shirt with out further inspection of it. As I took the shirt out of the dryer to my surprise the shirt had been soiled and what ever it was soiled with left a really large stain.

Ok, really? The rules of gift giving and re-gifting have been broken and shattered for me at this point because my child was given a soiled shirt that clearly belong to and was worn by some one else. Granted I am not one to dictate what to give as a gift but I FEEL that soiled (dare I say used clothing)should not be it. Oh and mind you when it was their daughter's birthday I went to Old Navy and hooked that lil one up but I digress. Sooo, one night last week at 1 AM in the morning I get a knock on my door and who was it? The giver of soiled clothing wanting to know if Lil Bit liked the clothes they gave her and wanting to know if they fit...

Being tired and bogged down with getting as much done as I could being as though I had to wake up early that morning I was diplomatic and quickly ended the conversation... well I am feeling ignorant today and as I begin the process of writing out my thank you cards I figured I would write something special in thanks to them but for the life of me I can't quite figure out what to write. I figured it would be along the lines of thank for the soiled shirt that you gave Lil Bit for her birthday it will proudly sit in her cubby at school for her to wear in the instance she accidentally soils herself at school, I will be sure to take pics and send them to you as a token of our appreciation, THANK YOU! :)

Hmmmm... maybe I will take the high road on this one... then again I am rather unpredictable I guess it will depend on how I feel when I actually sit down to write the note.

Just Some Thoughts...

First, can I just say I hate blogging at work? I feel as though I have to restrain my self when writing at work. I can't do to much cussing and I can't say what I really feel about my job on my worst days; it just sucks.

Anyway...

Over the last few weeks I have been thinking about relationships and this whole finding the "one" and your "soul mate" type thought process and my experience over the many years I have spent dating has lead me to this belief; there is no such thing. Yes, there are a small number of people that one meets that they just click with and it feels like they have known each other for along time but seriously, is that really the foundation for a long lasting relationship? In away you are literally going into it with your subconscious mind. I am not going to say this applies to every one because everyone is different and being different is what is beautiful about people in general, but for the most part it directly applies to me.

So at this point of my life I figured the answer for me was to be with some one that fulfills all of my major needs and some of my wants, I can stand his flaws, he can stand my flaws and just grow to love this person over time. You know, consciously find things about him that I will click with and move on from there. I suppose I got something out of having dated a lot of ABBs, Lucifers and Prodigals.

Once you meet some one what measure do you use to know if they are a keeper? Do you have a physical or mental check list that you keep? Or, do you go with the flow of things until they start throwing things you would consider to be deal breakers at you?

Moving on...

I have never really been one to tell all of my business or open myself up to many people. I suppose that is why people make a lot of assumptions about me as a person because I don't let them see that inner portion of myself...bottom line I don't trust many people. Also people who know me like that know that if there is something they want to know then they need to come ask me and accept the answer that I give them. So, when people begin to ask around about me or a certain situation pertaining to me I see that, 1) evidently they don't know me like that and 2) I get a little leery of that because I begin to wonder what they want to know that much info for? Why is my personal business so valuable to you to take your time and energy to go from person to person asking and fishing for information?? I suppose there is some fun in it but I don't see it.

I know a lot of people are like who cares? But for me is stems from a much deeper place. In having grown up with an ultra, ultra nosey Granny...let me just say I LOVE her to death and will cut some one over her but she is nosey and sometimes she does medal in folks lives but it is all out of the love she has for us (I have to often remind myself of that). Yet and still as an adult it has left an impression on me and personally I like the direct approach. Anyway, the difference between my Granny and people that don't know me like that is the place that it comes from. My Granmother loves us all to death and her greatest dream is to see her family live a good and rather struggle free life; therefore if she has gets in the business and make things go the way she thinks it should to ensure that we are happy then she is going to do it (Gotta Love Her!). As for other people they just seem to like to get into your business just to have something to talk about...ok I am done with the random thoughts and must get back to the job.

1537

I was scrolling through my email box reading emails, thinking how I need to start cleaning out my email box then I thought of the special folder that I created especially for ABB's emails. I did not keep the emails as back up or proof to dispel anything he said (as I have been accused of *roll eyes*), I kept them because they were near to me in some sort of way and there were some sweet and what I thought to be genuine things that he had said to be via email conversation, also some of his poems were wonderful and managed to place a smile on my face at the moments when I needed something to smile about.

I figured it was time to let go of those little mementos and set my fond memories of our tine together (Shirlington) :) aside and finish moving on completely. When I went to delete the emails it read "1537 deleting". Damn, I thought 1537 emails? What the hell were we talking about?? LOL! There were arguments, debates, general conversation, poems and plans to get together all in that 1537. Since my phone crashed his number is gone, his emails are deleted and I have no way of reaching out to him even if I wanted to; right now I wonder will he ever leave my mind completely? Mhm, maybe, hopefully so...

Why does it seems like the more I go through and the older I get the less painful certain things in life are to me?

The Break Down

Yeah, ok I fell off the wagon. I broke down like a hoopty and bought dinner tonight. But how could I not have stepped outside of my spending fast? Looking at the week I have had...

Last Friday I went to the doctor for my never ending cough and found out that I had bronchitis. My doctor is one that never writes a perscription and she always finds a natural remedy for what ever ailes you, not at that visit. She sat there writing script after script and going on about how sick I was; after it was all said and done I left with four prescriptions in my hand. I did not complain, I suppose I really could not complain because it is what it was and I needed to get healthy so I just needed to roll with the punch.

Well, here come Monday morning, I am leaving "Him" to go to work in the morning and what happens? Yeah if you read the last entry and have me friended on FB then you already know the back tire blew out. Take a gander at it...





After having been to the dealership three times in one week for the same issue the, I have spent over $400 in attempts to fix everything and the shit still is not fixed. I will be going back to the dealership on Saturday so they can do something about it and hopefully fix it this time.

I am trying to find a subtle way of letting them know that I am tired and frustrated with this situation and I am literally a woman on the edge, therefore if they don't want me to put on a full clown suit and cut a fool they better not charge me for shit else.

Now with all of that weighing on me how could I not step down from my wagon and purchase dinner? Ahhh welll I hop back on it tomorrow.

How The Hell?

Monday morning on my way to work my tire blew out. I uploaded pics to FB because my phone memory is full, so I am sure my FB friends have seen the shreds that was my back tire.

Anyway, the issue I am having is out side of just having bought the tires in January, out side of being charge a couple of hundread to fix the shit they forgot to reset the TPS (tire pressure system). So my counter is still reading service tire system, so if something else should go wrong with said tired yet again I would be clueless.

What every happened to performing thorough work? I so have the right mind to take a hit and trade this bitch in for something a little more practical.

Glutton For Punishment

Last month I mentioned that I was doing a 30 day no complaining challenge and I practically bombed at my attempts to meet this challenge because I complained a whole lot more than usual.

In my journey for personal growth and awareness I have gone on a spending fast. Yes, a spending fast. During this fast I will only pay bills and purchase the things that are needed only when needed, the money I save from this challenge will be tucked away in savings. I have not set goal of how much money I want to save all I know is that I want/need to save as much money as I possibly can over the next few months.

I am trying not to think about all that I am giving up to do this; starbuck's caramel apple spice, eating out when I feel like it or buying a pair of shoes or a new outfit on a whim. Ahhhhh...*sheds a tear* I will be better off for it in the end.

I know my girl friend is reading this and may be wondering why I am blogging at this particular time but I am doing it because I can. LOL! Now I am going back to the "bonding" session.

Getting Back to Doing What I LOVE...

For the first time in over 10 years I picked up a professional camera and set out to take pictures of my daughter as to have a selection to choose from for her birthday invitations. After having been far removed from photography (snapping pics at random events does not count) for so long I was feeling rather nervous about my performance as technology has changed since I first picked up the Kodak Pentax camera and loaded film in those old cameras that we used when I worked at the photo studio (I know I seriously dated myself in this entry)... things have changed ALOT.

Not only has the technology changed but I have changed. When I was a photographer the best part of my job was working with the kids.It is cool to bring out the smiles and giggles in even the most serious, shy and/or reserved kid. The only issue I had were the parents. Parents fuck up everything, more so for wanting to have their kids pose, smile and look a certain way in a picture opposed to allow the child to relax, be themselves, and get comfortable. Today I became that parent. I felt like I was in an inner struggle with my creative, artistic side and the parental side that had a visions for how I wanted my child to look in these pictures and was going to make that vision come to fruition even if it meant I had to threaten the girl.

At some point I gave in and remembered that the best thing about working with kids was allowing them to do what they wanted and to let them be comfortable with allowing their little personality shine through in the photos; it made the job so much easier. In the end I changed my camera settings, told her to go run free and just took candid shots of her. I ended up getting some really good shots and I was less frustrated with her in the end. I so can't wait to get back out there snapping shots again. :)

Come On Friday...

I see my impatience is rearing its ugly head but I need for tomorrow to come on. Not only is it payday but it is the weekend. I can sleep in on Saturday before I get up and go frolicking around the city ;-) or if I so choose I can lay around all day long and do nothing; the possibilities are endless.

Anyway, either old age is really starting to catch up with me or I am not taking very good care of myself or other undesirable ailments could be brewing that I prefer not to have at this stage in my life, what ever it is I am straight sick.I have finally gotten the migraines under control but my stomach will not settle down for anything and quite frankly I becoming rather annoyed. I keep on saying that I am going to the doctor but truth be told I really don't like her, I just don't and I don't want her to touch me so I suppose I have a problem here. Ok, so I might be a little hard headed, stubborn or what ever but I am going to try to calm my stomach the old fashion way; ginger ale, peppermint tea, crackers, and ginger snaps. I am so hungry but I am so scared to eat any kind of real food. Hopefully I will be good by the weekend because...hmmm... just because. *giggles*

*Praying this soup does the trick

Oh and am I the only one having issue getting into GChat? I thrive on GChat that is how my girlfriend and I stay connected during the day. I suppose you really don't realize how much you use, or rely on something until it is unavailable to you because right now I am about to start having withdrawal symptoms if they don't hurry up and fix this.

Death of A Friendship, Relationship, Whatever It Was...

I have finally come to this time where I can set my feelings for you aside. I had to take the rose colored glasses off and realize that though you said you cared for me it was a lie that even a demon in training could be proud of. Yeah I know we have been down this road before and as always you showed how much of an ass hole you really are. The first time I had to put it on you because you were not only an ass but you were wrong though you won't admit...it is all good it is ok because our "situation" ended long before today.

See I was allowing my feelings, my love for you to keep me in a place I should not have been. I was not satisfied in ANYWAY, you came up short all the time always left wanting more just simply because I was so unsatified. The lies and games you have played made me wonder was a woman behind all of your antics because they came off rather bitchtastic. None the less it is all good... I began to realize that you cared for me none, love me? Definitely not. I guess the icing on the cake was that you took my money not once but twice, said nothing in defense and tried to hide it among ther things. Seriously it did not take all that, all you had to say was this "situation" is clearly not working and maybe a seperation is what is needed; then the search would have been on and I would have gladly thrown the peace sign and moved on.

But no, that would be to easy for you, you had to pick a fight on purpose so I would do what you were entirely to cowardly to do yourself. But how could you not see it coming? You noticed I was gradually pulling away, emails and phones calling being met with short and curt responses. I was to my point. I was over it, I was over you.

None the less there is always something better. Something stronger more stable that can provide all I need and allow for me to sleep at night with ease knowing that I can entrust them with my prized possesion.......






Yep! Wachovia we are through. Would like to say nice banking with you but it wasn't...Mhm, I suppose this "situation" can be applied to other situations.:)

Can I Get A Repeat???

Can I, may I have a repeat of today? Today was the most PERFECT day. I would say more but I have no other words to say except it was perfect and let's do it again...:-)

Re Evaluating Life...

As I get older I notice that I am becoming more self aware. I find that I catch myself doing things out of habit and I often take a step back and think through my actions and how they may or may not fit into a pattern, then I decide to do things differently. I do reevaluate my life a lot especially in times when things are not going really well within my life.

Last night I had to really take a step back and reevaluate the men that I chose to date and be with. I had to look at why I often choose men that for some reason are very insensitive, can be mean some times, not very understanding, maybe a little harsh and at times emotionally detached. I had to really look at why I often want some one who particularly does not want me... I mean they for the most part act as if they tolerate me buttt necessarily want me, no (at least that is what I get from their actions). I had an epiphany about it and found my reasons for such irrational choices and figured I needed to stop that isht. I need to be more conscious about who I date just like I became more conscious about who I call friend and allow in my inner circle.

My girlfriend and I were talking about this last night and she brought some things to light...ok she took the rose petal glasses off and broke them (damn I need a new pair now :)). She was telling me that though I say I don't trust people I do give them the benefit of doubt thus making excuses for them (among other things), which my guess is in hoping they will change...not...anyway I realized I need to implement a new rule of thumb for myself, no second chances, no benefit of doubt. If you f*ck up the first time then you just f*ck up, there will be no second and definitely no third chance; should have got it right the first time. It is a waste of my time and energy to which I can be channeling into other things and people who want me, to be around me, and are really appreciative of my time and me as a person.

With that... I love my friends, they keep it real and I need people that won't lie to me or tell me what I want to hear. I so appreciate their honesty, no matter how harsh, evil or funny as hell as it might be *ROFL*I do appreciate it. I can't wait to see y'all... ;-). We LOTS to talk about! :-))

Oh in other news... the group debriefing was submitted and I am done with school! *doing my lil dance*

Monday Evening Ramblings...

Before I start incoherently rambling let me say, thank you to all who helped in what ever way (even if it was praying for a miracle) in regards to my getting my paper done. Rashad the outline was my saving grace thanks for the advice. Needless to say I got the paper finished and turned in. We have have a group debriefing to turn in this week and then I will have officially written the last sentance of this chapter.

Since the task of this paper has been weighing on me I have been suffering from severe migrane headaches. I know one day I had one so bad I wanted to sit in a dark silent room, with sun glasses on and close my eyes until the pain went away. The excedrin let me down it was not working, my sister had to give me a perscription strength some thing or another. The something or another worked but I could not sleep hours after I had taken it. Now that the paper is completed and turned in one would think the migranes would have gone away, not. Still having them but not as bad. I suppose I will go and see the doctor... I swear if she says something to the effect of if you loose weight then they will go away then I just might snap... yeah just tune into CNN for the latest news on that because I don't want to hear that shit.

Moving on...

Are insitutions of higher education really suffering due to the economy? I had submitted a request form for more information about a Organizational Leadership/Organizational Management Masters program. Within 24 hours of having submitted the request I received a phone call followed up by an email. I responded to the gentleman's email, he then follows the email up with a phone call telling me I have too many questions and I need to call him to talk. Well alrighty then. So I call him and spent some time on the phone and he was pressing me to start this program in a month. I told him, no. I need a break to enjoy not having to log into class or do any school work and I told him I would apply for Spring semester.

This dude is hard of hearing because he presses and tells me that if I just get him the application he can hold me a spot; I have to write a four page personal statement, yada, yada stop it. I am sitting here agonizing over my 15-20 page final paper and you are trying to talk to me about writing a four page personal statement? Seriously dude? Really? Are you kidding? What ever! Since a few weeks ago he has called me everyday. He is beginning to make me regret requesting additional info. Actually he is walking that thin line of being a pesty salesman and being a stalker. They seriously can't be in need of my enrollement that bad.


What does it mean when you leave the building that you work in at the end of the day and you feel a sense of freedom? I don't mean any kind of freedom but an inmate being released from prison type freedom. I suppose I am having an I really don't like my job moment today. Or, maybe I really just want to do something different so bad that the only thing that keeps the boredom from getting to me is how hard it is to get a job once you lose one. Yeah ok, we can go the I am greatful for having a job moment... I need to set up a co worker excahange. I switch one of mine for one of yours and there is no changing your mind once the switch is made. *evil laughter*

Writer's Block?? Or Sheer Laziness? Just Don't Want To Do It?

I have been trying to write my final paper (research paper) for the last two weeks and with said paper due the end of this week. So far I have the cover page, the executive summary and half of the introduction page written; 15-20 pages required and only 1 1/2 done so I have another 14 1/2 pages to write and I don't know where to go with it. I can't decide on how I am going to build it. I don't know if it is a case of writer's block or a case of I don't want to do this shit.

I keep on telling myself just write the damn paper, double check to make sure that if I used information from other sources that these people get their kudos and call it done. But I can't move on...gawd paper writing has been this way since I had " The Task Master" aka "The Dream Crusher" for sophomore English. I have been jacked up mentally when it comes to writing task such as this.

Now this type of writing (blogging) is easy because I can say how I feel, say what I feel and don't give a damn who likes it... ok I care slightly, a lil... I suppose a significant amount. But still some times the words just flow and I wish they would unclog out of the bottle neck and flow in efforts to finish this freakin paper. Just Ugh! Can I get a life line? Words of wisdom? Encouragement? A hug? Something?

No Complaining Challenge Part 2

Some time last year or I think early this year I had written about my no complaining challenge that I have participated in. The premise was and still is no complaining about the issues that come before you that would other wise foster a complaint, however you have to actually do something about it or don't complain about it at all. In 2 hours this 30 day challenge will start up for me once again and for some reason I am looking forward to it. Though I am not one to complain entirely too much I still think this challenge will get me further into the habit of doing something instead of talking/complaining about it.

As I sit here and type this I am wondering why I am choosing this time to take everything on all at once; no complaining, no bath and body smell good purchase, for going other things I can't quite get into (I'mma win the bet dude ;-)), no cussing and the list goes on and on. If I would have thought this through a little bit more I would have taken on one thing at a time. Leave it to me to go hard.

I must pat myself on the back though, I received what seems to e a daily email from Bath & Body works informing me of a sale. This is a really good sale and I was tempted to go shopping. I caught myself before I clicked add to cart and shut the whole thing down. I felt a little stronger at the fact that I resisted temptation. I have resisted other temptations as well... with much prayer. I know that for going these thins will make me better because it is all making me rely on God more and it keeps me in prayer, which is an area I have been lacking in as of the last few months.

Ok since I only have 2 hours to complain and so I can avoid smelling like failure at 12 mid night, I will get this shit out now. I HATE APARTMENT HUNTING! The shit sucks major ass and in some ways I feel like inexpensive plus, nice apartment/townhouse, plus descent neighborhood no longer exist. I went to go look at a house for rent on Saturday and for the most part it was cute, I could tell the owner did some work to it but the caved in floor upstairs in the main room, stepping right into the kitchen as soon as you walk through the front door along with no central A/C (she had window units) did not make this place very endearing to me. The whole neighborhood left me feeling as though I would have dudes dressed in white sheets knocking on my door in the wee hours of the morning just made it a definite no. I don't even know why I told the realtor I would think about it because it is just no.

I went to another community close by a little more diverse still, did not get that "ahhh this is home" feeling but hey it was nice and they had nothing available.

This evening I went to go look at another apartment. The neighborhood was great. Nice peaceful, quite and located in the perfect location. The apartment though looked like it would be a death trap for the kids. If I was still a 20 year old college sophomore, yep the place would get a thumbs up and I would be living in it proudly but I am not 20, will be out of college in 3 weeks and I have children to look out for. The man who owns the property was soooo sweet. He seemed like the kind of man that take a personal interest in the lives of his tenants outside of pay me my money. All he required of me was to fill out an application, show him I had a job and give him his first and last months rent. I am not complaining about that. I damn near cried when we left because I love the neighborhood so much. :(

I suppose I need to get over it and keep it moving. I have a few other places to call and look at. None the less the fact that I can say I am ready emotionally and financially move along with actually looking makes me feel good. Oh and my credit score jumping 100 point with in the last few months put a smile on my face and made me feel all warm and fuzzy too. :)

People Watching...

Right now I am at the dominican salon getting my hair done and this salon is walk in only; first come first serve, my ass got here later than I usually get here so I was faced with an unusually long wait time... since I am a little irritated (just off of GP) and have to spend 45 mins under this super hot ass dryer before going to get blown out by another super hot ass dryer I figured I would share some of my observations of the day.

Ok, I have no clue where to start. Wait, I know. Have you ever seen someone that irritated you upon sight? The sound of their voice, unnecessary small talk and questions just irritate you? There is a lady here that has done just that. First she got in the chair to get washed and she wants to negotiate the price of her service. Just ugh! Side note: They charged me $5 more this week than they did when I was here two weekends ago. So tell me who really needed to go into price negotiations? Me or her ass? I mean damn look around you other people are waiting!

So, she goes to the back and begins to have senseless small talk with the lady who was back there rolling hair. When she finally realized she was being ignored she shut the hell up. Amidst all the chatter and laughing I hear the touch tone keys of a phone going off. I was like who the hell is dialing like that and why? I look up and her ass was texting on her phone. I figured it had to be her ass. I mean damn go into your phone and turn that shit off. Now as we sit underneath the dryer she is having full phone conversation. So I need to know all her business too? I don't like this broad, really I don't.

Now, there is this other girl here, has to be about 15 or 16 and she has this look on her face as if she was forced to come to the salon under threat and punishment. The whole time she was getting her hair rolled it looked like she had thought of pay back and hatred towards her parents rolling through her head. Just wow. I used to love going to the salon when I was a teenager, especially since I was not the one paying for it.

Ahhh what I would give to be younger again. No bills, no real responsibilities and a high metabolism.LOL! All that was require of me was to go to school every day.

Ok, I am almost done underneath here thank God. Now off to the next hot ass dryer.

Exercise Calls

Monday I will be dragging my butt back to the gym. I was driving home from work today thinking about the promise I had made to myself to get back into the gym and as my mind began to waiver the phone rang. It was the trainer that I had mentioned in a few entries...yeah the one who had asked me out on a date. He was just calling to see if I was ok because I had not been in the gym in two weeks. I let him know that I was fine and that I had planned on coming back in on Monday to get my exercise regimen started again. He was sweet and told me that he was not going to be ok until he knew for certain all was well with me. He said that he felt as though he had gained some cool point with me by calling to check on me, mhm.NO. Call me cynical but all I could think is damn, some dudes will go all out just to get some.

He seems to be a nice man but from having spoken to him I know it would not be a good fit for me (so many reasons to list) we are like night and day...plus I am dating ABB, again and I am one that is not able to date more than one person at a time...I know folks say that is how dating should be but I think I have stated some where in this here blog that I am not cut out for dating people, especially dating multiple people at the same time. I am cut out for a long term relationship...seeing and spending time with the same person for an extended period of time... ok so you all get it. But ummm yeah can't entertain more than one man at a time, it to much work and I quite frankly don't have that kind of time.

Any way, I found a house to rent and have been speaking with the owner extensively. The owner seems to be nice and very desperate to rent the house because she is paying mortgage on two houses but how about the Realtor has not been trying to call me back and schedule a viewing of the house? I know this last go round may have been me because I have been busy mixed with a little stalling but still, do your job dude. Though the area is going to put me a little further out it seems like an area I would feel comfortable residing in for the next two years. In the mean time I am still look at other areas to live. I hate the process of moving from beginning to end. It sucks.

Thoughts of a Restless Mind...

My spirit is still not settled today and for some reason I can't seem to concentrate. I am tired on top of all that as well. I can't wait for this class to be over in 3 weeks then, only then will I no longer have to force myself to stay awake in the name of class work.

Ok.. on with the restless randoms...

As most of you may know or may not know I watch A & E channel on the regular. I have to say it has become one of my favorite channels over the last few years. They hooked me with the First 48 and Intervention then they blew me away with the comedy of Parking Wars and have me pleading the blood of Jesus with Paranormal State. Well they have by far out done themselves this time and in away hit home with Obsessed. They have been chronicling the lives of people with OCD and how they go about over coming the disorder. For those who know me and don't know I am boarder line OCD and though I know how to manage it sometimes it still effects me in the worst way. A few weeks ago they aired the show Hoarders... I have tried to watch it but the show makes me itch and it gives me anxiety to see the things that people continuously keep but never throw away and this is much, much more than a stack of books and old magazines. I am talking food, spoiled food, clothes garbage etc; makes me wonder how it gets that excessive.

Well this morning I opened up my drawer that was full of lotions, body sprays and all kinds of smell good one could want or have. Then I thought back to the two medium sized moving boxes of lotions, perfumes, and body sprays that currently sit in my storage container. No, that does not make me a hoarder is just lets me know that I need to do something about my isht. Plus I have not bought anything from B & B for over a year now. So the next thing I need to do is let go of what is almost empty, use what is full, request no one give me that stuff as gifts and continue to stop buying the stuff. So I started the task of eliminating my collection this morning, we will see how I do. May be I will start working on my excessive collection of shoes and my shoe buying next, NOT. LOL! Never that and just no.:)

Any way...

As mentioned above and probably in previous blog entries I will be done with my undergrad degree in three weeks. I am so counting down to when my very last grade with this institution is posted. After 14 years of trying to get this degree finished it will be done. I decided to participate in commencement in December and I will be doing acrobatics across the stage and this happiness filled performance will be complete with pyrotechnics. Every one must be sure to be careful because regalia is highly flammable. LOL!

I have been going back and forth about what to do next. I definitely know I will be trying to have some magic worked with the student loans I will be paying on for eternity and wouldn't you know I am crazy enough to go back for more and add to the enormous amount of loans that I already have?? Yeah I am going under take a masters program. I was all set to prep for law school admissions process and taking the LSAT but I had a very candid conversation with my girlfriend while in Atlanta (she's an attorney), she was telling me that in law school you have zero life. No life? Yeah apparently even with he part time program it will require being in class five nights a week and then at the law library doing home work on the weekends. I don't have that kind of support system in place for one and two I can't imagine not having time with my kids. I am so excited about having the time to do PTA and being at the boys' school alll the time. You know embarrassing them by kissing and hugging them in front of their friends. Yeah how could I not be there to do all that?

I am not counting law school out I will just be putting it down for a while and possibly go once lil bit hits high school. Until then I am working on entering a masters program for organizational management and I am going to focus on moving up out of the position I am currently in because the monotony of it has long since set in and I am getting antsy.

I said it before and I will say it again, I need a change (good change of course).

Ms. Independent? (Kind of Random)

I am sure we have heard both side of the story of men and women, more specifically black men and women. You know? Why it is so hard for us to have successful relationships and some people spouting that black women have become to independent and they act like they don't need a man blah, blah.

Granted I don't know how much truth lies with in those thoughts but I do know that there are a few things that have recently happened that made me wonder if there is truth to the theory...probably not but follow me and we shall see.

A few weeks ago I ran out of gas at my job. I wanted to be to work on time and felt that I had enough gas to get me to work and go to the gas station at lunch time. Well surprise, surprise I didn't and I can I tell you that my worst fear is running out of gas? Thank the good Lord for AAA or so I thought. I called AAA and they inform me that it is illegal for them to bring fuel out to me because of the county I ran out of gas in and the only thing they could do was come and tow the truck to the gas station so I could put gas in it. While I was on the phone with them my co worker comes up wondering why my face was all frowned up. I told him I ran out of gas his first instinct was, "Ok Lady come on let's go." mine? naw I'm good I am on the phone with AAA *thumbs up*. When he heard me say, "What's do you mean it is illegal for you to deliver fuel to me?" he hung the phone up for me and he said let's go.

He took me to the auto parts store and I bought a gas can we went to the gas station and he was putting gas in his car while I was trying to figure out how to get the cap detached from the can. He had me pull some cutting tool out of his car and saw I was going to try to cut the plastic cord myself and immediately did it for me, I went to get my debit card so he could run it through and put gas in the can, but he filled it up for me right after he filled his tank up. When we got back to the car he refused to allow for me to do anything in terms of making sure gas got into my car and the car got started. Perfect gentleman?? Yes he was but it felt awkward and weird for me to allow someone to do all of this for me. Why? Because I am so used to HAVING (emphasis to show that it is not because I chose but because I have to)do everything by myself, with out additional help or assistance from any one. So for me in theory it is not because I am to independent, it is because I have been independent for so long that I don't know how to allow myself to depend on any one else. However, some one made comment that I was a typical black women when they found out about all that had transpired...moving on...

My last night in Atlanta my girlfriends and I went to a jazz club. The service was horrible and our bills were wrong in the worst way. We had requested to see the manager but ended up having to wait because she was taking other complaints from other people who felt the service was poor that night. Well, there was this man at the next table who was on a date with a nice young lady. The man was getting rather loud with the manager about his issue. Apparently the issue was that he was promised a free bottle of wine. They charged him $42 for the bottle of wine that he was told he was to receive for free. With to go boxes on the table in bags he ended up refusing to pay for not only his bottle of wine but he refused to pay for the meal alll together. So, the manager was like please just pay and leave. He informed her that not only was he not paying but he was not leaving. He stated he had phone records showing he was to receive a free bottle, he was not paying for bad service blah, blah, all the while lil bit was sitting there quiet. It escalated and the manager has called the police to come make him pay and remove him from the restaurant.

Now, we are all hearing this go down because he was rather loud about the situation and his table was right next to ours. All at the table are professional black women who collectively and individually could pay for the bottle of wine and therefore we felt as though we would speak up in that situation. We felt we would tell him to just pay it and let's go, or we would offer to pay it ourselves, or we would give him the money back at the end of the night but we felt that getting the police called on you over a $42 bottle of wine was over the top. Yes, we also felt the manager lacked customer service and should have eaten that $42 bottle of wine just to get dude out of there. None the less we were rather shocked that his date sat there and said nothing the whole time. Just curious but if we were to intervene and say hey, here's my card just put the wine on my card or here is $42 or babe just stop and pay for it, would that be a shot to a man's manhood?? I'm just curious. And yes, I seriously want an answer to that question.

Though I know I would be the one to not have said anything considering how mad dude had gotten...ok let me stop lying. LOL! I would have told him to just pay it and we will take it up with their corporate office later. But I also would have been hot as fish grease at having to be escorted out by the police and he would have heard it on the way home... something like that should have never escalated to police intervention.

Ok... so in telling what I thought was a funny story to my co worker I still got the typical black woman response. But why does it have to be all that? I seriously think that allowing a man to be a man is an issue more of trust than an issue of being entirely to independent to where one may feel they don't need a man. Can't that be a valid theory as well? Can't there be an understanding of that and some one being patient enough to allow said female to be comfortable with not having or needing to do it all??

Ok, my head is starting to hurt I have done enough deep thinking for one day.

Getting Antsy and Just Plain Ole Restless

Gawd, I so hate when I have a whole blog of thoughts in my head and as soon as I log into type them out they are gone... that sucks.

There are some people who simply don't care for change and they are rather content with life being the same day in and day out, there are people who need a change on a consistent basis in order to evade the feeling of restlessness and then there is me; some one who needs to see small patterns of change and newness in order to not feel restless, but...

I have an over whelming feeling to leave this fine state that I was raise in from the tender age of 2...lol. Looking at my situation it may seem that I am in the perfect position to pack up and leave but I am not as there are two things that keep me here fidgeting around until I can be able to go where I want to. Even with those two reason having been my anchor for years I am beginning to feel it losing its grip on me as I look farther and farther out for a new place to move to. It's like a chain reaction... I find a nice place, notice it is in a different state than I reside then I start looking at the job market in said different state. Once I realize what I am doing I snap back to what is my reality and suppress the growing feeling of restlessness that is welling up inside of me to just bounce.

I can't blame this on my trip to Atlanta and not wanting to leave Atlanta (I could have used another day or two) because I have been feeling this way for a while. Some times I wake in the morning racking my brain for a list of things that are left for me here... the list is getting shorter and shorter as the months go by. School is done...no need to stay, I still live with my Dad no obligations to a lender or landlord...no need to stay, I need a change in job duties and this bad boy transfers...no need to stay, No stable long term relationship with any one...no need to stay...

Yes, yes if I wanted I could go on and on and on about why not to stay but hell I won't. Hopefully, something in addition to what is currently holding me here will come along to quite my restless spirit and keep me from feeling as though I need to venture out to obtain God know what at this point. I suppose I will sit back, wait and see; none the less I hate when I start to feel restless. I so need a change.

Back To Reality...

So per the previous blog entry I flew for the first time and it was a very good experience; loved it.

Anyway...

I had a great time in Atlanta and over all the city is beautiful. We went to the see the America I Am exhibit and walked around Atlantic Station. The weather was perfect that day...we also decided to stop and have a lil fun... I went and had a tarot card reading done.

The exhibit was nice though I was mad that we had to wait an hour and a half just to get in and when we did get into see it we could not see all of the artifacts because people had crowded around the different exhibits that were there and at one point we even had to stand in a group like a herd of cattle just to get into another room for the slavery exhibit. Needless to say we were not able to take everything in or were really able to appreciate what we were seeing because of the damn crowd. We were not able to take pictures either and lord knows I wanted to snap some pics of Prince's purple guitar. My girlfriend was about to get us kicked out for attempting to take a picture of the AKA sweater that was there on display. Then my other girlfriends' were fumbling to try and take pics of Mavis Staple's dress... yeah we were wrong in our intent but we did right in the end. LOL!

We went to Atlantic Station, ate, walked around and I got a tarot card reading before we left. I did the tarot card reading for entertainment purposes only. What I thought would be tomfoolery and fishing for infor to tell me what I wanted to hear turned out to be much more...I was in a daze when she was finished with me. She told me so much about the people around me and she had shed some light on things to come and brought about clarity with other situations...interesting to say the least... very interesting.

Now one thing I experienced my first night was hateration from another female. I know it happens here in the area but it does not happen very often to me. Every woman I have encounter has always had something positive to say to me in my face...anyway...moving on...

My girlfriend's cousin came to the hotel club with us and her cousin brought her friend. We will call this said friend Mable. So we go up stairs to the club where I proceed to pay $11 for a glass of wine *roll eyes*. So we go and sit down at a table and chill. Well, this man comes and sits down next to Mable, while I was in my own drunken world (be mindful that I had been drinking wayyyyyy before I hit the club mmmkay?) so I was dancing in my seat, chillin. I so happened to take notice that Mable and dude were talking and he was doing a lot of pointing. I was not paying attention to him at first because he had a wedding ring on and I shut down upon seeing rings on fingers.
Well, Mable started telling me something and I could not make out what she was saying because the music was loud...boo we in a club. What? Uhn? Can't hear you!!! So I told her to switch seats.

I asked him what could I do for him this evening?? Now, I was irritated by the fact that he was sitting there evidently talking to some one I don't know about me and my friend and had yet to introduce himself to everyone at the table. Just rude! So he asked me my name, I gave it to him, he gave me his, shook his hand and he was taken a back by my firm hand shake. I used to do accounting for a home builder on the construction side, thus all interactions were with men therefore I had to not come off soft with them and it stuck. Moving on... so he points to ole Mable and says, "Your friend over there says that you think you are cute." and I said, "Well, I am for damn sure an not ugly. Yes, I do have a good sense of self."

It went down hill from there as he began to question me about how long it takes for me to get ready, then lecture me about being vain amd how 10 mins is entirely to much time to get ready (if his wife divorced his ass I would understand whole heartedly). I was on the verge of asking him how long does it take his wife to get ready?? Plus I was about to let him know if he liked interesting looking females then fine, do him but don't come at me because he assumes I spend hours getting ready and because I feel as though I am on the other spectrum of interesting looking. For the record I don't spend hours because being a mother of three I don't have hours to get ready, I have minutes. If I look that nice after only spending minutes I can just imagine how it would be if I spent hours. But ummm yeah I ended that conversation quickly and gave ole girl the sharp eye. I did not want to get uncivilized in a state foreign to me, especially a state who's laws I am unfamiliar with... to think of it I would have let it go, I am more mellow now than I was 12 years ago.

Ok, I do have one more story that involves the cops...lol(No, the cops were not called on me or any one in my crew but the whole thing was fuuuuny)but I am tired and have to go to work in the AM so I am shutting it down here.

But before I depart I can say that this trip had done a lot for me. I came back with clarity about my life, where I want to go, and the things I want to do. I guess you can say I was inspired by being around such wonderful women all weekend. :)

So Much On My Mind...

I am on my way to Atlanta and I will be flying for the first time in life. I am trying not to have an anxiety attack over this. I think back to when I was in the third grade and we took a field trip to the air port. They let us go through the process, board the plane, take our seats but we did not go any where. I was young, green as a blade of grass and knew no better. Now, shit is different, security measures have been heightened... I am sure I will e in safe hands...with God. :)

Any way... as I am about to leave the only thing that seems to be on my mind is him, ABB. I don't know what it is but he manages to make me smile. Needless to say it was a pleasant surprise waking up to a text message from him this morning. I have to say that out of all the people I have dated and/or been in a relationship with my best memories are of the time we have spent together. Every time I think of a place, quote ;-) or movie he is not far behind in those thoughts... always puts a smile on my face. :)

I cannot say that this is a path way to us getting back together. I am not worried about that for what ever is meant to be will be; but in the mean time I will enjoy every single moment that I am able to have with him and cherish the memories that we have made together.

A Soft Spot He Touched...

Before I get into this entry I need to give an update... I did speak to Prodigal not to long after I wrote the previous entry and I explained to him how I was feeling and he understood, he was calm. In his mind he still feels as though we are meant to be together and refuses to give it up until I have another in my life. Yet, I am still not too worried about him at this point because I at least told him the truth.

Now, last night I went out on a date with my ex, affectionately known as Anita Baker Bandit (ABB). Anyway, it was an excellent date and I had a great time. I honestly say that I forgot how much fun it was to be around him and just hang with him. This date was sooooo different from our other dates. I mean dang we were both early. LOL! Usually I am the one that is running late but this time I switched it up on him. We always watch great movies but this time I picked the movie and it was very good... hehe I get to pick the next one. If you all ever have a moment go and see 500 Days of Summer.

I can honestly say he reminded me of why I love him and why I feel in love with him last year. He did touch a soft spot and brought about a whole bunch of feelings that I thought had disintegrated with our relationship...guess those feelings still linger. I could go further with psychoanalyzing myself and how I am feeling and how it may explain some things but I won't...not at all. Anyway, I am glad I am in a place where I can handle it and just let it be what ever it is and let it turn to what ever it may or may not turn into. None the less I cannot wait until the next date...:)

Now I am of to celebrate my girlfriend/soror's birthday with food and a whoooole lot of drinking.

The Mid Morning Tea..

Hahaha... yeah I did not know quite what to entitle this entry but since I just finished drinking one of what will be several cups of tea today I figured it was a good fit. Tea for me is like coffee for others, I am just not right until I have at least one cup of tea in the morning then we can talk.

Anyway... as usual I have plenty going on all at once and my brain is officially on overload. This last class that I am taking is like having another full time job. So let me see I have a full time job, I am parenting which is full time and now I have this dang blasted class which is full time all in itself and I only get one check out of the three... yeah this degree best to pay off in some manner.

Since school,parenting and over all trying to get myself back on track has consumed my mind and my time I realized last weekend that I lost my focus. I do nothing for me, I had for the most part let myself go in certain areas IE; saving my legs regularly. So after I had treated myself to a long and very overdue pedicure (so unlike me to go longer than two weeks with out one) I decided that I was going to start getting back to basics with doing the things for me that I used to do. So I have been carving out that time to make sure I have it all together; hair, nails, feet, waxed, working out... you get the point. Lawd, it is so hard being a woman and keeping it all together. None the less I am keeping it all together. :)

I know I have work to do today but I can't seem to concentrate. I made a decision last night that has been weighing on my mind since I woke up this morning, actually I got out the shower and thought to myself that I was making a big mistake.

I know I had mentioned my ex and once love of my life, apple of my eye Prodigal. what I did not mention was the current situation out side of him being so far away that he is in a different time zone, which is he is girlfriend who he currently resides with. Well, he has been trying many different ways to figure out how to get back into the same time zone as yours truly but the more he and I talk the more I get this feeling that this (meaning a situation with him) is not going to work for me. I hyperventilate at the mere thought of him being here and us having to share living space together as in some ways we are polar opposites. I can clearly see how different I am now from when he and I were previously together; with that I can see how this just might not work. Especially when there is part of me that simply wants the option to see other people maybe even get a lil sample if that mood miraculously hit me.

Any way last night we both came to the conclusion that the only way he can come out here soon was if we were to move in together. Part of me felt it was a mistake even mentioning it as an option and the other part?? Hell there was no other part that isht was a mistake and I should have kept my mouth shut. Granted I love the man but damn not everything and every one is meant to be and some situations are meant to stay where they currently are, just friends. Now if we had a room mate situation where we share part of the house where there were no romantic or physical expectations of ME then maybe I would be less apprehensive but I can't do it.

Even if his situation were different I still don't think I could go through with this. I realized our reality when he stay with me for a week in 2007. Flash back. Hold. Hyperventilating.

***30 mins later***

Bottom line after having been married and divorced one thing I learned from that experience is that love is not enough. It is never enough and maybe some where along the line I have become cynical, maybe even developed a phobia to commitment, or maybe I have become selfish in wanting my time and my space to myself... I just know that I am not ready for this... I so refuse to make another poor choice and get "stuck" in another bad situation. I seriously don't think that he should jump from one ship onto another he need to be by himself and we need to get reacquainted while we resided in separate dwellings to make sure we even like the new people we both are before we jump into the pool together.

Not Quite What I was Expecting...

Ok so for the last two months I have been on the weight loss grind and ummm the results thus far...





I am not happy, I am trying not to get discouraged because the above is whack and to have it happen to me is whack as shit. I had to take a step back and listen to my body and I come to the conclusion that I need to stop eating red meat all together and cut down on all of my other meats because I have been bloated and feeling quite sick. At this point it is worth a try. May not bring my boobs back but it most likely will shrink my stomach so it will catch up with everything else. *sigh*

Just A Rantilation

Yeah I said rantilation. It is a cross between ranting and venting or ventilation... yeah I make up my own words and what?

Any way... there has been something I have been witness to that bothers me, it bothers me slightly but still it is bothers me. Why do people allow for other (especially complete strangers) to run them and dictate what they do in life?? Why are you worried about what others think and they have no investment in you emotional or otherwise and vice versa?

Prime example, my sister. We both eat organic food and we eat a lot of meatless dishes so we both shop at stores like Trader Joe's, Whole Foods and MOM. One Sunday afternoon we decided that we were going to shop at Trader Joe's and upon leaving the store she was like I am not going back there any more because I don't like how all those white people look at me as if I should not be in there. Errrrrr?? I did not notice such behavior amongst the white shoppers. Were we in the same store? Furthermore why oh why would you allow some one you don't know and you may never cross paths with again to intrude on a wonderful organic shopping experience? Just why? My theory is that she was looking at them screw face and they were just reflecting back at her how she was looking at them BUT if racial ignorance was in play then I say don't' hate and I will be frequenting said establishment as happy as I can be getting my lil organic fruits and vegetable and fiber filled baked goods.

Then you have the people who swear up and down the reason why they don't go to church is because there are so many hypocrites in the congregation... yeah you run into hypocrites every day. all people have a certain level of hypocrisy with them BUT I am trying to get my @ss into the pearly gates and live a good quality life while on this Earth serving out what ever purpose God has for me, I don't have time to be worried about some body else and what it is they are or are not doing. I just look at it as a way for me not to be with others and in general and continue to do me.

I don't understand why people won't just do them....don't worry about any one else....worry about others as poosed to worry about yourself will hold your @ss back.

Random Sh!t...

Have you ever had one of those days or weeks where you just want to cuss? I don't mean random cuss words here or there I mean a paragraph of cuss words with no clean words to be found in the midst. After a week and two days of people coming at me with silly shit, I feel like that right now.

Do men playing on the basketball court tend to play harder as soon as a beautiful woman sits down to watch them play?Or is it just me? Maybe dude can actually get the ball through the hoop if he would stop starring at me, while trying to show off. Just play ball. I'm not stuntin you dude but I am surely laughing at him.

There is much more for me to write but I am at the park, it is hot as hell and I really don't feel like it, but I might cruise through later with something of substance.

ETA:

A lady just rolled in here with 6, 7 kids... I lost count. Anyway this lady went up to her and asked her if she ran a daycare and if she had room for one more child. The lady told her that she don't run no day care, that those were all of her kids.LMAO! I am dying laughing.

Mold Me, Sculpt Me...

So, I am coming to the realization that I need a little help in this goal to losing the weight and tightening up. I had a stimulating yet informative meeting with one of the gym trainers who was setting me up in the computer in order to utilize the various weight machines. He was sweet enough to give me some tips in efforts to begin developing a concrete exercise program but I am thinking one on one attention is required in this case. Just like some one would go to a plastic surgeon for body sculpting I am going to break down and purchase a few personal training sessions with him in order to do some natural body sculpting of my own.

I have only had one experience with a personal trainer, which was a female and it was ok. I took what she gave me, used it and it worked. The thought of making serious moves is rather exciting to me but I know for me it will be a challenge in more ways than one. There are quite of few instances where I don't work with men and this is one of them, especially when there is an attraction and when a personal interest in me had been made known. Yes, the man asked me out on a date and I kindly declined because I will be utilizing his services to sculpt my body as part of my "me focused" series, BUT boy this may be a difficult one because I LOVE a man who has muscles... I mean big, ripped, chiseled muscles. The sight of him makes me close my eyes and say, "Mhm! Thank GOD for that!", none the less I am going to keep it business and keep the main goal in my mind of getting to that comfortable place.

But ole boy is in for a ride because I can be a rather difficult person and he got a taste of it the other day, the way he handled me was very impressive to say the least and I am one who is not easily impressed. He was hard on me but gentle in his delivery and I like that...it made me feel comfortable enough with him so I am going to start this next month and see how it goes. I know I am going to have to be honest about my affinity for McDonald's and Chick Fil A chocolate milkshakes and Chipotle burritos bowls, oh I am going to be so sad to see that come to an end.... maybe I need to rethink this...

Me Focused...

Now that the Spring quarter of school has finally come to an end I have time to blog. LOL! So much has happened since my last entry that I don't where to begin...

Well, Prodigal and I had a 'tiff' so to speak. As much as I like to think our situation is black and white I know it is not and the fact that I allowed for myself to get caught up was a mistake, because his time frame for executing his "plan" were not realistic what so ever. In haven been grazed by the reality of the situation I decided I needed to take a step back from things and limit our communication and for me to really refocus my energies on me.

For the last month I have been working out and finally joined the YMCA so I could get my work out on and have activity options for the kids as well. Man, I forgot how much I missed working out and being in the gym... I forgot how addictive it is. Years ago before I got pregnant with lil bit I used to spend 2 hours in the gym at least 4-5 days out of the week with out fail and I see myself getting back into the groove again. A lot of people have given me the side eye along with looks of concern at my mentioning that I wanted to lose weight; but it's not about them or them liking me the way I am but it is about the fact that I do not feel comfortable. I want to be able to do simple things with out getting winded from being out of shape and yes I want my body to be tight. No, I won't be strutting in no two piece but I would like to run in the store and snatch something off the rack with out having to try it on and be confident in knowing that it will fit when I put it on.

I am working on being down half of my target weight by the time I leave for ATL in August. As my girlfriend said I am, "ambitious" well yeah dammit and by God I am going to be half way right by the time I have to board that plane. Did I just use dammit and the good Lord's name in the same sentence?? Dang, I'm bad.

Anyway...

I have been registered to take the last class that I must complete before being awarded my degree. In away this is kind of surreal to me because I worked so long and hard on getting to this place and at times it felt like I would never get to this point. Looking back on things God has sure paved many ways for me to get here and I am so very thankful for that. Now, I can think about what is next, law school? MBA program? Or a dual MBA/JD program??

I was not going to participate in commencement and had been on the fence about it for some time until I was in the store shopping with the kids and one of my children said that he was not going to college. Errrrrr?! Oh really now? Well, I informed him that he will indeed be going to college because he has no CHOICE. But as always he feels the need to debate me by telling me that his Dad did not go to college and I came back with the struggles and limitations my ex husband has and in some ways is still experiencing due to the fact that he does not have a degree. Not saying that a degree is the end all be all because it isn't, especially in this economy but, why stunt your growth son?

He was very much surprised to learn that I was in college and had been working on my degree for the last 14 years and I had to often times sacrifice my educational goals to tend to them and at one point a husband or because of a prolonged illness. Needless to say that was the day I decided to suck it up and walk across the stage. God made me a role model when he blessed me with the privilege of being a mother, therefore I have to let my son (all three of my children) see it in action as I walk across the stage to accept my degree in December. Now the only other thing that I have to contend with after I am done are those damn student loans.... awwwww man my head hurts to think about how deep I am...

Irritated...

I can't necessarily say that I am feeling burned out but irritated is a feeling I am all to familiar with today and it is keeping me from being my usual nonchalant, yet happy self.

It could be the hormonal strikes of PMS or it could be that I have an ex who seems to be pressuring me and has charted into the annoying territory, or it could be that I am getting fed up with people clearly and constantly asking entirely to much of me yet giving not a damn thing except for words in return, it could be that this *itch on my job is being a LBIA and not doing what she should be doing but throwing it back on me, OR is could just damn well be all of the above.

I have not been sleeping well this whole week either and it has thrown me off my game time wise. I mean damn I went from coming to work 30 mins early to being 15- 30 mins late at least twice this week. I just need for the week to be over and done with so I can sleep an extra hour or two on Saturday. I am going to go on my walk today and maybe I will have a better perspective of things/feeling better after my work out.

The Date (Part 2)

So when I got to the restaurant I ended up having to wait 10 minutes for him to arrive and once he called me to let me know he had arrived I got out of my car to walk to the front of the restaurant to wait for him. What I was not expecting was for him to bring his friend. As he was introducing me to his friend I was thinking, what the fuck?? I mean really this is a date not a social network outing. So, he gives me the excuse that his boy was out shopping with him and his daughter today and he had to drop him back off at home, which is in Waldorf, MD and he did not want to risk being excessively late to have dinner with me so he brought him along. He asked me if I minded and I said no, in my head I figured I would just go a head and get the date over with then go on about my business.

But before I go on let's do some math, shall we? Dude lives in VA , picked his boy up from Waldorf, MD and when we spoke they were leaving a PG County mall that was 30 mins or less from Waldorf. So, why not drop your boy off on the way home, then come up and see me? So, I gather he was not sure by my pic (I look better in person than I do my pics I might add...lol) and if I was not attractive to him then he would use having to take his boy home as an excuse to postpone our date (surprise, surprise I am very pretty! *rolls eyes*). Hey, that is the best rationale I could come up with. If you have one better then feel free to throw it out there.

Moving on... so in my opinion he looked better in his pics than in person, thus the fucking joke was on my ass and I should have been the ignorant negro and brought my girl with me so I could have left and dropped her off at home. We go into the restaurant, we sit at a table and his boy goes to sit at the bar. Granted there was an awkward silence for a few minutes mostly for me I was trying to process what the fuck was happening. So, I forced myself to talk and once I settled down the conversation began to roll. As we began to talk I noticed his breath had that I brushed my teeth but I need to see a dentist smell making me pull back juuuust a little. I was not going to hold that against him especially since I still had him bringing ole boy on my mind.

We talked, I messed with the waiter a little bit, how do you not have lemonade?? Then we ate, he had fish and shrimp, and I had chicken salad. He complimented me on my hair, skin etc. The conversation was going good...until he started asking me about vacation and then asked where do I want US to go on vacation and saying that WE should make it a point to go on vacation together before the summer ends. Come on now, first date and you want to take me on vacation? Really? Come one now... seriously. I mean really?? I made it a point to remind him that I already had vacation plans in the works and we would have to see what happens in the end. I told him that I had a curfew (which I did) and he said he had to go to the bathroom once the check came.... I looked at him side ways but was most definitely prepared to pay the bill and get the fuck out of there if need be. Alas he came back, paid for the bill and all three of us walked outside. His friend and I did the friendly it was nice meeting you thing and my date walked me to my car.

Considering the fact I did not have time to process everything that just happened, I was tired as hell from being at the NPHC picnic early that afternoon and chasing after kids all I wanted to do was say, good bye and take my ass home. So I went to give him a hug, he kissed me on my neck as I kissed him on his check and he made me promise him to text him when I got home. Yeah, I flew the hell home thinking that he and I can kick it but to say there is going to be something serious come out of all this... nahhh. I'll pass. Like the conversation and like the company when I want it. There should be no further expectations on his part because I don't have sex so we should be cool... unless he pulls that I don't want to be your friend shit out of his ass.

Anyway... I brought my ass home and talked to Prodigal on the phone for quite a while then took my ass to sleep. The adventures of dating I swear. Thank the Lord I am not really taking any of this seriously because I am finding it all quite amusing.

A Voice On the Phone...

Ok, ok sooo I picked up the phone and the voice on the end was of this guy that works in another department of my company. Basically he was calling in regards to something I had submitted. It was friendly, slightly flirty conversation in regards to the profile and my rushing to get out of the office. Unusual for me it was because though we have spoken before for some reason this time was different, he peaked a curiosity in me so to speak.

I began to ask around wondering what he looked like, curious to fit the voice with a face, plotting my way to take a tour of that part of the company just to find out. Of course, the plots were just thoughts and I let it be. We had been calling one another more often than usual on business related issues and often times we would engage in idle chatter about all things outside of work. Finally one day I decided to send him an IM message just to say hello and things took a different direction from there. It was cool and all good, I liked our conversations and such so everything was cool. As my day started to come to an end so did the conversation or so I thought and then he asked if he could call me later on and I said sure, exchanged numbers and we spoke on the phone that night.

We attempted to get off of the phone on a few occasions only to start up a spirited conversation about another subject that we both had a passion for. It was not until 4 AM and a T Mobile dropped call that I figured we really needed to call it quits. I came in the next morning and sent him pics of myself so he knew what I looked like and he did the same. He expressed wanting to meet me for dinner the following day, which I gladly had no issue with obliging as my curiosity of the man behind the phone still was not satisfied with IMs, email pics and phone calls.

So, I agreed to the date. We set a time and place which had changed a few time by the time it was all said and done. I get there and....to be continued...

People Are Crazy!

I was talking to one of my gentleman friends tonight and some thing disturbing came out in our conversation. He was talking about buying a home and he kept on talking about specifically renting the top portion to a woman with children and he stay in the basement portion of the house. Considering I have always had the gut feeling that he was not one to entrust with the care of ones child I asked him, why he specifically would rent to women with children annnnd this was his answer, " Because women with children seems to be more trust worthy and in the event they screw me over I have access to their kids". I said. "what?! Children are the innocent in everything. If you want your money then take their butts to court." And he said, "That is how white people solve their issues and don't know body care about being taken to court. I am tired of getting screwed over by people and if some one screws me over I will go for the jugular... if I had they momma's address I would go for their momma too. I would go for the things that mean the most to them."

I immediately got off the phone and sat in silence with a blank stare on my face. Though I told my girlfriend I was going to put him in a certain category I figured I would be best served if I scratched him off of my list (so much for giving people benefit of doubt) all together as I already know all I need to know. Gawd, so sad he is a walking news report just unfortunately waiting to happen.

There is such a plus in taking ones time and really getting to know some one and how they view things; it prevents from entering into bad situations and folks just end up weeding themselves out of the garden that is my life.

Not A Twang, Not A Ping, Just A Prayer...

I must say that I had a wonderful day today. I went to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch with my children as to continue the celebration of my birthday. We decided to take our Cheesecake to go and hit my favorite place on Earth, the botanical gardens. Why is it my favorite place? Because it is the most peaceful place. It could be packed with walkers and lovers and still be the most quiet, peaceful place on Earth to me. Additionally, the gardens is a very versatile place that can be useful for any occasion; weddings, exercising, photography, weddings, quiet time, romantic strolls and/or picnics you name it you can do it there...lol.

Anyway...

When the children and I got to the park it was some what packed there were people walking around, playing with their children and the ducks. There also seemed to be a wedding taking place. I could hear the music from the ceremony site and my children snuck over to get a glimpse of the event and they came back raving about how, "beautiful the set up was". I also noticed a few couples taking engagement pics. Now, usually when I have been in my no man, no relationship state I have had an issue with being around other people's love and being the lone one in the midst of all those couple...actually I would feel rather uncomfortable. Today I felt no such feelings. The only feeling I felt was happiness and excitement at witnessing and being surrounded by love. It is something about seeing love in your face that let's you know it does exist.

I was so excited that I said a small little prayer. I asked God to allow for their love to grow stronger with each day and for their commitment and love to one another be the shield of protection during the hard times. I prayed that their relationships would last for decades to come. Corny? Maybe a little but I could not help but put some good vibes out there for them. I mean dang have you seen the divorce rate? Have you heard some one spout off reasons for marrying and all those reasons be dead wrong? Therefore I am sure they can use all the prayers they could get.


On a side note, I spoke to ABB (Anita Baker Bandit) this morning and we had a weird conversation. In a nut shell I suppose he was trying to see where my head was at as far as us, because he was ready for a relationship now (as opposed to last year) and he wanted to know if I saw a relationship destination for him and I as a possibility or if I was open to it....mmmmm...mmmmm....mmmm... like I said in my previous post, I am just trying to get to know these gentlemen a whole lot better, getting to know who they REALLY are, what they REALLY think about different things, finding out what their real EXPECTATIONS and INTENTIONS are with no real destination in sight in the end at this point.

Considering that most people know (especially him) me to be honest and straight forward about my intentions and what I want why would that need to be something we would have to clarify?? Maybe it was something he read in this here blog (Yeah he reads from time to time and I feel quite comfortable with that.)??? I don't know but I am chilly chill right now. I am not in a rush nor in a real hurry just trying to get my stuff in order, enjoy my life and the special friends, family and sorors that are in it to the fullest.

Can't Get The Thoughts Together So I'd Rather Just Ramble

I am not certain if this is going to be a random ramble per se but I have had some things on my mind for a while and just thinking about them makes me think about how funny life is sometimes.

Coming this December I would have been divorced for 7 years and after I had gotten divorced I can't say I was to quick to want to remarry again. I mean, why? What for? I had just gotten out of a marriage where this man had been the only man I had been with in every way since I was in the 7th grade. No, that is not a typo my ex and I had been together since I was the tender age of twelve. There was so much I did not have an opportunity to experience and/or do. Once I got into the swing of dating I quickly began to realize that the role of being a wife or in a long term relationship was what was best for some one with my personality and eventually I began to long for a companion, I began to long for everything that came with being a wife.

As I look back at things I can see that there were some things that I needed to learn about being a girlfriend, fiance and eventually a wife and those things had to start with me; not only knowing who I was as a person (likes, dislikes, limits etc.) but also my growing in certain areas. I am not more so speaking of a financial or material growth however I am speaking more interms of mental, emotional and personality growth. For me that all came in fostering a closer relationship with God. I began to notice the closer I got to God the more I learned about myself and the more I learned about myself the more I began to grow, change and ultimately focus on things that I needed to do as to get my house into order. Not get things in order for the purpose of anyone else to come into my life, but for me and to hopefully make life easier on me in the end, especially considering that I am a single mother of three.

I am not going to sit here and say that the years I have spent praying, longing for a companion and potential husband where a waste and they held me back because I suppose it was a phase that I had to go through with in my life. It seems to be funny to me how since I chose to place my focus and attention on other things men have come out of the wood works expressing interest in getting to know me courting etc; and I have taken notice that my longing for a partner is no longer a longing any more, actually it is not even something that is a just is, it is not a want nor is it a need. My longing has seemed to have turned into a choice that may be one day some day I will eventually make and decide that I will want to be with Mr. So and So for the long term, may be even life.


BUT for now I am finding that I am quite content with the friendships I have fostered with these gentlemen and my true agenda is to get to know more about them than to try to wrangle one of them into a long term situation that may not be meant for either party. In away it is kind of like that special item you have wanted, begged for, pleaded for, thought about day and night but never got and when your opportunity finally came around to having it, having that item was no longer as huge of a deal as it was when you were longing for it....yet when you finally decided you were going to get that precious item, having it was much sweeter, you cherished and cared for it a whole lot better than if you were to have gotten it when you longed for it. I suppose life is just funny like that some times.

Ahhhh...

Today was actually a good day and I can say it was a nice birthday. Though there are times when I may feel as though the light is not shining I do know that over all I am blessed and my good days out weigh my bad days by far.

The sweetest moments of my day was my daughter telling me happy birthday and informing me that I need to get white gloves, white shoes and a white dress; that we were going to get a ring and get married. To who?? Who knows. LOL! But it was rather cute.

Then Prodigal and I had a side conversation on Face book and he spoke some things to me that reminded me of why I feel in love with him so many years ago. It felt like he had touched a spot inside of me that has not been touched in a long time.

Those two moments will be forever ingrained in my mind when I think back on my 32nd birthday. However, I would be remiss if I did not say a special thank you to all those that sent birthday wishes via text message, face book, phone and email. Thanks one and all!

Though all my days are blessed days, this one was an especially blessed day.

Out Of The Blue...

Out of the blue yesterday evening I began to receive these text messages from a number unfamiliar to me. I immediately asked the person who they were and low and behold it was my ex, who I have written about on this here blog and will call the Anita Baker Bandit. LOL!

I just don't have a full understanding as to why a man comes out of the dark corners of the world to express wanting to make things work, get back together and/or professing love. It is a weird feeling and all I can wonder is how bored can this person be to want to reach out to me with more than just friendship in mind? I mean really it never worked before so why throw yourself out there now?? Me thinks there is something in the milk. I suppose my real question is, what do you reaallly want? This question is just not to him but it goes out to DA, Prodigal and any other man that I have friendship with and/or previously have dated. In a way it always seems like there is some underlying motive in it all and quite frankly I have so much on my plate right now that I cannot deal with it and don't particularly want to.

Don't take the following sentiment as my being some one that is avoiding a relationship but, as time goes on, the more shit that comes my way and the more bull shit these dudes spew out of their mouths in the name of "love"; the more and more appealing the option to spend the rest of my life alone becomes. Nothing better than to have to deal with me, myself and I, right?

I just wish I knew why I always attract men who don't have the best of intentions towards me??

Anyway...

Last night I spoke to my line sister who shook me out of my birthday funk that I was in. She and I so happen to share the same birthday and she told me that she was having an, I did not imagine my life to be this way reflection last week, complete with sobbing (I refuse to sob...LOL). Anyway she reminded me of a few things and ultimately in the end God is good. I am looking forward to a move in August, among other things. I am praying on it and claiming it because I have to get out of here. I think I might actually celebrate my day tomorrow with the most decadent and fattening cupcake I can find in the DC Metro area.:)