Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Unevenly Yoked...

After Christmas came the big break up...I went into this relationship knowing that in away we were "unevenly yoked" as my girlfriend so gently puts it. What do I mean by unevenly yoked? I make more money than he does, I am in a totally different place in life emotionally, financially and my maturity level is higher. At first it seemed to be an issue because he used to tease me all the time by calling me Ms. Blackberry and at first it was ok but when he continuously referred to me by that nickname like it was my government name, it became rather irritating to say the least. I mean really if I wanted to take it there then I could have in turn referred to him as Mr. Virgin Mobile but that did not phase me so long as he could call and text me.

None the less I liked him and I was falling for him fast so I figured instead of kicking his ass to the curb or putting him in the reserve for some sex when I needed it I figured I would talk to him (ooo did my negro side just come out??). Oh yeah we talked... I quickly learned he was more worried about what others thought and the image that was project opposed to what was underneath the surface. He was concerning himself with my male friends and previous loves who had pretty descent jobs and thought they could woo me back with that alone. Not. They treated me like shit, so how am I going to be wooed back to some one who treated me like shit? How shallow and superficial of a person did he think I really was?

Anyway, as time progressed his funds were always questionable but it was never a big deal to me because if I ate he ate. But to him I was always "paying for everything" and he was just tired of my "paying for everything" every time we went out or buying my own drinks for when I would stay at his house...a sistah cannot live on apple juice alone. In the end I suppose it was entirely to much for him and the soft speech he gave me about how I should not have to pay for anything and he is the man and I need a man that is going to care of me and take care of things over all became a loud scream when he suggested that we part so he can focus and get himself together. Just ugh! I can't knock him for making the choice that he had made and had he of spoken to me I would have gladly stepped out of his way...oh wait, wait a minute let me rethink this... he said, he don't know what he want and I said ok then I am going to let you go and figure that shit out.

None the less I am back to the same place I started, by myself. I suppose that is ok, since I purchased a Dooney bag and an IPod I feel better. According to him that is what "ritzy" type of people do. *roll eyes*

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Commencement...

One of my readers had brought to my attention that I did not blog about my graduation ceremony on Saturday and wanted to know why? I am not sure why I neglected to blog about it ...oh yeah I know why. It just was not on my mind to blog about it because the day, the whole weekend itself was hustle and bustle on the go all the time.

I had "issues" getting to the ceremony on Saturday. What should have been a 20 minute trip turned into a 45 minute trip. So after getting lost (took the wrong exit) and finally getting back on the right street I ended up sitting in traffic. A combination of road construction and people trying to get into the parking garages so they could get into the ceremony I was stuck. I did the next best thing, I changed into my cap, gown and stole in the car...oh yeah and I started praying. I was so close to tears because I knew the processional had already started and I did not come all this way not to walk.

Once I finally parked and ran to the arena I got in and they were looking for last minute graduates so they could get people lined up and onto the arena floor. I got to the entrance to the arena floor and found out my degree program had already went in and was seated. I almost lost it until a man on the commencement staff came and introduced himself as frat and vowed to help his soror out(thank God for frat brothers who have a heart for sorors with tears in their eyes), well he got me seated then we sat for what would be a long ass time of speeches; telling us to not stop here at this point move up and move on but come back and work for the school, whah, whah , whah. I spent 14 years working on this and now I am done please, oh please give me my paper??

Anyway... I walked. I was happy. Some sorors of both my sororities walked as well and I hollered for them as they did for me. Afterward I saw my family we took pictures, Sorors stopped by to congratulate me, the kids and I went out to eat and I went home to sleep because I was tired.

Now... I am trying to figure out where do I go from here now that I am done. I need to figure some thing out because one can't take a break when they are on the road to world domination. *evil laughter* Just kidding...maybe, maybe not. >:-)

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Marriage.

A few weeks ago I was having a text conversation with El in which he asked me, "What do I have to do to get you to marry me?" Wow, that was a real loaded question and it is coming rather soon in the relationship...but I guess if he feels that strongly then he just feels that strongly. We will see what happens next summer when we have both settled into the relationship fully and our flaws are rearing their ugly heads.

Anyway...

This relationship is making me realize that there are additional areas within myself that I need to work on, which is fine. So I figured I would subject you all to my real thoughts and feelings about subjects like marriage.

No, this is not an anti marriage post. I have always been pro marriage but I have to admit that I fear marriage and what comes with it. My first marriage did not leave a real good impression on me. Not because of what he or I did or said to each other but because of how I was feeling during the marriage. I felt as though my growth and my identity began and ended with marriage. It was stunted, it was like, MARRIAGE. Then when the kids came it was like, MARRIAGE, PARENT. In away it just felt like life stopped after the I dos and the kids and it had no other choice but to begin after the divorce because I was starting over again in every way.

I have actually processed what I am feeling and as a person I have changed. I am beginning to realize that marriage in itself does not make up my identity nor does it make up who I am as a person completely; it would be a part of many things that make up my identity...I get that but allowing myself to move past the fear of my identity, my life stopping at you may kiss the bride is what I know I need to work past. Thank goodness I have time to work through it but it is still hard.