Leaving Behind in 2010...

I have started drinking real early so I hope it all makes sense. One of my girlfriends posted a question on our group board, "What are you leaving behind in 2010?" Honestly I could not really answer that question at the time it was posed but considering the after Christmas drama I experienced; finding out my now ex was seeing someone else, subsequently beating his ass and throwing him out my house in the wee hours of the morning, I figure I would not be taking a relationship based on lies into the next year with me. Now I am working hard not to take the hurt, pain and disappointment (dare I say bruised ego)that comes with it into 2011 with me either.

My depression...usually when the holidays come I tend to fall into a mild depression and don't feel as if I am in the holiday spirit. Part of it is because everything slows down around this time of year, people's personalities and dispositions change drastically (for the worse), the fact that I am alone (don't have a man)is even more evident than any other time of the year (outside of Valentine's Day) and I spend most of the season trying to figure out how I am going to pay bills and give my kids a Christmas. This year I experienced the WORST bout of depression of my life...I can honestly say I tried fighting it hard by talking to people I enjoy talking to and doing things I overall enjoy like cooking, baking, and cleaning. Some days performing those activities seemed to work (took a lot of energy but I did it) and other days I found myself crying and praying to God to help me make it through the night.Usually my depression will last until the end of January or February, but I am fighting it...I don't want to carry this darkness into the new year.

It has been suggested that I go see someone but I have been on antidepressants before and I am literally a zombie. I have seen a therapist and quite frankly all you do is talk, talk, and talk about the same stuff to the point where I get sick of hearing myself talk so those avenues I chose not to take this time around. Though I am holding onto my faith in God by a string, I know it is by his grace and mercy that has brought me through and for that I am thankful.

As I sit and reflect on 2010 I realized I have learned a lot about myself and life in general; those lessons I take with me in 2011. I also realized that there are some things about me that I need to work on and I need to push myself to grow further as a person.

Anyway...enough of that negativity....

I made a new vision board for the new year but this time I decided not to have an electronic (PowerPoint) vision board. I decided to do things the old fashion way and cut pictures and words out of a magazine and glue them on to poster board and keep it in my bed room where I can see it. I can say I felt a warmth inside as I put it together and as I lay in my bed starring at the fruits of my labor I feel hopeful and positive about 2011 being a good year. I feel more certain about my goals and overall more focused.

I am not going to promise a consistent update of this blog because I am not for certain I will be able to keep it but I will most certainly try to post more entries. As I begin to change the content of my posts will change. You will hear more of my opinions about alllll the shit that happens around me opposed to what happened and how I reacted to it.

Ok folks I am one more sip away from drunk so I will end this and see you all in the new year. Happy New Year! You all be safe!