Marriage.

A few weeks ago I was having a text conversation with El in which he asked me, "What do I have to do to get you to marry me?" Wow, that was a real loaded question and it is coming rather soon in the relationship...but I guess if he feels that strongly then he just feels that strongly. We will see what happens next summer when we have both settled into the relationship fully and our flaws are rearing their ugly heads.

Anyway...

This relationship is making me realize that there are additional areas within myself that I need to work on, which is fine. So I figured I would subject you all to my real thoughts and feelings about subjects like marriage.

No, this is not an anti marriage post. I have always been pro marriage but I have to admit that I fear marriage and what comes with it. My first marriage did not leave a real good impression on me. Not because of what he or I did or said to each other but because of how I was feeling during the marriage. I felt as though my growth and my identity began and ended with marriage. It was stunted, it was like, MARRIAGE. Then when the kids came it was like, MARRIAGE, PARENT. In away it just felt like life stopped after the I dos and the kids and it had no other choice but to begin after the divorce because I was starting over again in every way.

I have actually processed what I am feeling and as a person I have changed. I am beginning to realize that marriage in itself does not make up my identity nor does it make up who I am as a person completely; it would be a part of many things that make up my identity...I get that but allowing myself to move past the fear of my identity, my life stopping at you may kiss the bride is what I know I need to work past. Thank goodness I have time to work through it but it is still hard.