Mold Me, Sculpt Me...

So, I am coming to the realization that I need a little help in this goal to losing the weight and tightening up. I had a stimulating yet informative meeting with one of the gym trainers who was setting me up in the computer in order to utilize the various weight machines. He was sweet enough to give me some tips in efforts to begin developing a concrete exercise program but I am thinking one on one attention is required in this case. Just like some one would go to a plastic surgeon for body sculpting I am going to break down and purchase a few personal training sessions with him in order to do some natural body sculpting of my own.

I have only had one experience with a personal trainer, which was a female and it was ok. I took what she gave me, used it and it worked. The thought of making serious moves is rather exciting to me but I know for me it will be a challenge in more ways than one. There are quite of few instances where I don't work with men and this is one of them, especially when there is an attraction and when a personal interest in me had been made known. Yes, the man asked me out on a date and I kindly declined because I will be utilizing his services to sculpt my body as part of my "me focused" series, BUT boy this may be a difficult one because I LOVE a man who has muscles... I mean big, ripped, chiseled muscles. The sight of him makes me close my eyes and say, "Mhm! Thank GOD for that!", none the less I am going to keep it business and keep the main goal in my mind of getting to that comfortable place.

But ole boy is in for a ride because I can be a rather difficult person and he got a taste of it the other day, the way he handled me was very impressive to say the least and I am one who is not easily impressed. He was hard on me but gentle in his delivery and I like that...it made me feel comfortable enough with him so I am going to start this next month and see how it goes. I know I am going to have to be honest about my affinity for McDonald's and Chick Fil A chocolate milkshakes and Chipotle burritos bowls, oh I am going to be so sad to see that come to an end.... maybe I need to rethink this...

Me Focused...

Now that the Spring quarter of school has finally come to an end I have time to blog. LOL! So much has happened since my last entry that I don't where to begin...

Well, Prodigal and I had a 'tiff' so to speak. As much as I like to think our situation is black and white I know it is not and the fact that I allowed for myself to get caught up was a mistake, because his time frame for executing his "plan" were not realistic what so ever. In haven been grazed by the reality of the situation I decided I needed to take a step back from things and limit our communication and for me to really refocus my energies on me.

For the last month I have been working out and finally joined the YMCA so I could get my work out on and have activity options for the kids as well. Man, I forgot how much I missed working out and being in the gym... I forgot how addictive it is. Years ago before I got pregnant with lil bit I used to spend 2 hours in the gym at least 4-5 days out of the week with out fail and I see myself getting back into the groove again. A lot of people have given me the side eye along with looks of concern at my mentioning that I wanted to lose weight; but it's not about them or them liking me the way I am but it is about the fact that I do not feel comfortable. I want to be able to do simple things with out getting winded from being out of shape and yes I want my body to be tight. No, I won't be strutting in no two piece but I would like to run in the store and snatch something off the rack with out having to try it on and be confident in knowing that it will fit when I put it on.

I am working on being down half of my target weight by the time I leave for ATL in August. As my girlfriend said I am, "ambitious" well yeah dammit and by God I am going to be half way right by the time I have to board that plane. Did I just use dammit and the good Lord's name in the same sentence?? Dang, I'm bad.

Anyway...

I have been registered to take the last class that I must complete before being awarded my degree. In away this is kind of surreal to me because I worked so long and hard on getting to this place and at times it felt like I would never get to this point. Looking back on things God has sure paved many ways for me to get here and I am so very thankful for that. Now, I can think about what is next, law school? MBA program? Or a dual MBA/JD program??

I was not going to participate in commencement and had been on the fence about it for some time until I was in the store shopping with the kids and one of my children said that he was not going to college. Errrrrr?! Oh really now? Well, I informed him that he will indeed be going to college because he has no CHOICE. But as always he feels the need to debate me by telling me that his Dad did not go to college and I came back with the struggles and limitations my ex husband has and in some ways is still experiencing due to the fact that he does not have a degree. Not saying that a degree is the end all be all because it isn't, especially in this economy but, why stunt your growth son?

He was very much surprised to learn that I was in college and had been working on my degree for the last 14 years and I had to often times sacrifice my educational goals to tend to them and at one point a husband or because of a prolonged illness. Needless to say that was the day I decided to suck it up and walk across the stage. God made me a role model when he blessed me with the privilege of being a mother, therefore I have to let my son (all three of my children) see it in action as I walk across the stage to accept my degree in December. Now the only other thing that I have to contend with after I am done are those damn student loans.... awwwww man my head hurts to think about how deep I am...

Irritated...

I can't necessarily say that I am feeling burned out but irritated is a feeling I am all to familiar with today and it is keeping me from being my usual nonchalant, yet happy self.

It could be the hormonal strikes of PMS or it could be that I have an ex who seems to be pressuring me and has charted into the annoying territory, or it could be that I am getting fed up with people clearly and constantly asking entirely to much of me yet giving not a damn thing except for words in return, it could be that this *itch on my job is being a LBIA and not doing what she should be doing but throwing it back on me, OR is could just damn well be all of the above.

I have not been sleeping well this whole week either and it has thrown me off my game time wise. I mean damn I went from coming to work 30 mins early to being 15- 30 mins late at least twice this week. I just need for the week to be over and done with so I can sleep an extra hour or two on Saturday. I am going to go on my walk today and maybe I will have a better perspective of things/feeling better after my work out.

The Date (Part 2)

So when I got to the restaurant I ended up having to wait 10 minutes for him to arrive and once he called me to let me know he had arrived I got out of my car to walk to the front of the restaurant to wait for him. What I was not expecting was for him to bring his friend. As he was introducing me to his friend I was thinking, what the fuck?? I mean really this is a date not a social network outing. So, he gives me the excuse that his boy was out shopping with him and his daughter today and he had to drop him back off at home, which is in Waldorf, MD and he did not want to risk being excessively late to have dinner with me so he brought him along. He asked me if I minded and I said no, in my head I figured I would just go a head and get the date over with then go on about my business.

But before I go on let's do some math, shall we? Dude lives in VA , picked his boy up from Waldorf, MD and when we spoke they were leaving a PG County mall that was 30 mins or less from Waldorf. So, why not drop your boy off on the way home, then come up and see me? So, I gather he was not sure by my pic (I look better in person than I do my pics I might add...lol) and if I was not attractive to him then he would use having to take his boy home as an excuse to postpone our date (surprise, surprise I am very pretty! *rolls eyes*). Hey, that is the best rationale I could come up with. If you have one better then feel free to throw it out there.

Moving on... so in my opinion he looked better in his pics than in person, thus the fucking joke was on my ass and I should have been the ignorant negro and brought my girl with me so I could have left and dropped her off at home. We go into the restaurant, we sit at a table and his boy goes to sit at the bar. Granted there was an awkward silence for a few minutes mostly for me I was trying to process what the fuck was happening. So, I forced myself to talk and once I settled down the conversation began to roll. As we began to talk I noticed his breath had that I brushed my teeth but I need to see a dentist smell making me pull back juuuust a little. I was not going to hold that against him especially since I still had him bringing ole boy on my mind.

We talked, I messed with the waiter a little bit, how do you not have lemonade?? Then we ate, he had fish and shrimp, and I had chicken salad. He complimented me on my hair, skin etc. The conversation was going good...until he started asking me about vacation and then asked where do I want US to go on vacation and saying that WE should make it a point to go on vacation together before the summer ends. Come on now, first date and you want to take me on vacation? Really? Come one now... seriously. I mean really?? I made it a point to remind him that I already had vacation plans in the works and we would have to see what happens in the end. I told him that I had a curfew (which I did) and he said he had to go to the bathroom once the check came.... I looked at him side ways but was most definitely prepared to pay the bill and get the fuck out of there if need be. Alas he came back, paid for the bill and all three of us walked outside. His friend and I did the friendly it was nice meeting you thing and my date walked me to my car.

Considering the fact I did not have time to process everything that just happened, I was tired as hell from being at the NPHC picnic early that afternoon and chasing after kids all I wanted to do was say, good bye and take my ass home. So I went to give him a hug, he kissed me on my neck as I kissed him on his check and he made me promise him to text him when I got home. Yeah, I flew the hell home thinking that he and I can kick it but to say there is going to be something serious come out of all this... nahhh. I'll pass. Like the conversation and like the company when I want it. There should be no further expectations on his part because I don't have sex so we should be cool... unless he pulls that I don't want to be your friend shit out of his ass.

Anyway... I brought my ass home and talked to Prodigal on the phone for quite a while then took my ass to sleep. The adventures of dating I swear. Thank the Lord I am not really taking any of this seriously because I am finding it all quite amusing.

A Voice On the Phone...

Ok, ok sooo I picked up the phone and the voice on the end was of this guy that works in another department of my company. Basically he was calling in regards to something I had submitted. It was friendly, slightly flirty conversation in regards to the profile and my rushing to get out of the office. Unusual for me it was because though we have spoken before for some reason this time was different, he peaked a curiosity in me so to speak.

I began to ask around wondering what he looked like, curious to fit the voice with a face, plotting my way to take a tour of that part of the company just to find out. Of course, the plots were just thoughts and I let it be. We had been calling one another more often than usual on business related issues and often times we would engage in idle chatter about all things outside of work. Finally one day I decided to send him an IM message just to say hello and things took a different direction from there. It was cool and all good, I liked our conversations and such so everything was cool. As my day started to come to an end so did the conversation or so I thought and then he asked if he could call me later on and I said sure, exchanged numbers and we spoke on the phone that night.

We attempted to get off of the phone on a few occasions only to start up a spirited conversation about another subject that we both had a passion for. It was not until 4 AM and a T Mobile dropped call that I figured we really needed to call it quits. I came in the next morning and sent him pics of myself so he knew what I looked like and he did the same. He expressed wanting to meet me for dinner the following day, which I gladly had no issue with obliging as my curiosity of the man behind the phone still was not satisfied with IMs, email pics and phone calls.

So, I agreed to the date. We set a time and place which had changed a few time by the time it was all said and done. I get there and....to be continued...