As I get older I notice that I am becoming more self aware. I find that I catch myself doing things out of habit and I often take a step back and think through my actions and how they may or may not fit into a pattern, then I decide to do things differently. I do reevaluate my life a lot especially in times when things are not going really well within my life.
Last night I had to really take a step back and reevaluate the men that I chose to date and be with. I had to look at why I often choose men that for some reason are very insensitive, can be mean some times, not very understanding, maybe a little harsh and at times emotionally detached. I had to really look at why I often want some one who particularly does not want me... I mean they for the most part act as if they tolerate me buttt necessarily want me, no (at least that is what I get from their actions). I had an epiphany about it and found my reasons for such irrational choices and figured I needed to stop that isht. I need to be more conscious about who I date just like I became more conscious about who I call friend and allow in my inner circle.
My girlfriend and I were talking about this last night and she brought some things to light...ok she took the rose petal glasses off and broke them (damn I need a new pair now :)). She was telling me that though I say I don't trust people I do give them the benefit of doubt thus making excuses for them (among other things), which my guess is in hoping they will change...not...anyway I realized I need to implement a new rule of thumb for myself, no second chances, no benefit of doubt. If you f*ck up the first time then you just f*ck up, there will be no second and definitely no third chance; should have got it right the first time. It is a waste of my time and energy to which I can be channeling into other things and people who want me, to be around me, and are really appreciative of my time and me as a person.
With that... I love my friends, they keep it real and I need people that won't lie to me or tell me what I want to hear. I so appreciate their honesty, no matter how harsh, evil or funny as hell as it might be *ROFL*I do appreciate it. I can't wait to see y'all... ;-). We LOTS to talk about! :-))
Oh in other news... the group debriefing was submitted and I am done with school! *doing my lil dance*
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