Just Some Thoughts...

First, can I just say I hate blogging at work? I feel as though I have to restrain my self when writing at work. I can't do to much cussing and I can't say what I really feel about my job on my worst days; it just sucks.

Anyway...

Over the last few weeks I have been thinking about relationships and this whole finding the "one" and your "soul mate" type thought process and my experience over the many years I have spent dating has lead me to this belief; there is no such thing. Yes, there are a small number of people that one meets that they just click with and it feels like they have known each other for along time but seriously, is that really the foundation for a long lasting relationship? In away you are literally going into it with your subconscious mind. I am not going to say this applies to every one because everyone is different and being different is what is beautiful about people in general, but for the most part it directly applies to me.

So at this point of my life I figured the answer for me was to be with some one that fulfills all of my major needs and some of my wants, I can stand his flaws, he can stand my flaws and just grow to love this person over time. You know, consciously find things about him that I will click with and move on from there. I suppose I got something out of having dated a lot of ABBs, Lucifers and Prodigals.

Once you meet some one what measure do you use to know if they are a keeper? Do you have a physical or mental check list that you keep? Or, do you go with the flow of things until they start throwing things you would consider to be deal breakers at you?

Moving on...

I have never really been one to tell all of my business or open myself up to many people. I suppose that is why people make a lot of assumptions about me as a person because I don't let them see that inner portion of myself...bottom line I don't trust many people. Also people who know me like that know that if there is something they want to know then they need to come ask me and accept the answer that I give them. So, when people begin to ask around about me or a certain situation pertaining to me I see that, 1) evidently they don't know me like that and 2) I get a little leery of that because I begin to wonder what they want to know that much info for? Why is my personal business so valuable to you to take your time and energy to go from person to person asking and fishing for information?? I suppose there is some fun in it but I don't see it.

I know a lot of people are like who cares? But for me is stems from a much deeper place. In having grown up with an ultra, ultra nosey Granny...let me just say I LOVE her to death and will cut some one over her but she is nosey and sometimes she does medal in folks lives but it is all out of the love she has for us (I have to often remind myself of that). Yet and still as an adult it has left an impression on me and personally I like the direct approach. Anyway, the difference between my Granny and people that don't know me like that is the place that it comes from. My Granmother loves us all to death and her greatest dream is to see her family live a good and rather struggle free life; therefore if she has gets in the business and make things go the way she thinks it should to ensure that we are happy then she is going to do it (Gotta Love Her!). As for other people they just seem to like to get into your business just to have something to talk about...ok I am done with the random thoughts and must get back to the job.

1537

I was scrolling through my email box reading emails, thinking how I need to start cleaning out my email box then I thought of the special folder that I created especially for ABB's emails. I did not keep the emails as back up or proof to dispel anything he said (as I have been accused of *roll eyes*), I kept them because they were near to me in some sort of way and there were some sweet and what I thought to be genuine things that he had said to be via email conversation, also some of his poems were wonderful and managed to place a smile on my face at the moments when I needed something to smile about.

I figured it was time to let go of those little mementos and set my fond memories of our tine together (Shirlington) :) aside and finish moving on completely. When I went to delete the emails it read "1537 deleting". Damn, I thought 1537 emails? What the hell were we talking about?? LOL! There were arguments, debates, general conversation, poems and plans to get together all in that 1537. Since my phone crashed his number is gone, his emails are deleted and I have no way of reaching out to him even if I wanted to; right now I wonder will he ever leave my mind completely? Mhm, maybe, hopefully so...

Why does it seems like the more I go through and the older I get the less painful certain things in life are to me?

The Break Down

Yeah, ok I fell off the wagon. I broke down like a hoopty and bought dinner tonight. But how could I not have stepped outside of my spending fast? Looking at the week I have had...

Last Friday I went to the doctor for my never ending cough and found out that I had bronchitis. My doctor is one that never writes a perscription and she always finds a natural remedy for what ever ailes you, not at that visit. She sat there writing script after script and going on about how sick I was; after it was all said and done I left with four prescriptions in my hand. I did not complain, I suppose I really could not complain because it is what it was and I needed to get healthy so I just needed to roll with the punch.

Well, here come Monday morning, I am leaving "Him" to go to work in the morning and what happens? Yeah if you read the last entry and have me friended on FB then you already know the back tire blew out. Take a gander at it...





After having been to the dealership three times in one week for the same issue the, I have spent over $400 in attempts to fix everything and the shit still is not fixed. I will be going back to the dealership on Saturday so they can do something about it and hopefully fix it this time.

I am trying to find a subtle way of letting them know that I am tired and frustrated with this situation and I am literally a woman on the edge, therefore if they don't want me to put on a full clown suit and cut a fool they better not charge me for shit else.

Now with all of that weighing on me how could I not step down from my wagon and purchase dinner? Ahhh welll I hop back on it tomorrow.

How The Hell?

Monday morning on my way to work my tire blew out. I uploaded pics to FB because my phone memory is full, so I am sure my FB friends have seen the shreds that was my back tire.

Anyway, the issue I am having is out side of just having bought the tires in January, out side of being charge a couple of hundread to fix the shit they forgot to reset the TPS (tire pressure system). So my counter is still reading service tire system, so if something else should go wrong with said tired yet again I would be clueless.

What every happened to performing thorough work? I so have the right mind to take a hit and trade this bitch in for something a little more practical.

Glutton For Punishment

Last month I mentioned that I was doing a 30 day no complaining challenge and I practically bombed at my attempts to meet this challenge because I complained a whole lot more than usual.

In my journey for personal growth and awareness I have gone on a spending fast. Yes, a spending fast. During this fast I will only pay bills and purchase the things that are needed only when needed, the money I save from this challenge will be tucked away in savings. I have not set goal of how much money I want to save all I know is that I want/need to save as much money as I possibly can over the next few months.

I am trying not to think about all that I am giving up to do this; starbuck's caramel apple spice, eating out when I feel like it or buying a pair of shoes or a new outfit on a whim. Ahhhhh...*sheds a tear* I will be better off for it in the end.

I know my girl friend is reading this and may be wondering why I am blogging at this particular time but I am doing it because I can. LOL! Now I am going back to the "bonding" session.

Getting Back to Doing What I LOVE...

For the first time in over 10 years I picked up a professional camera and set out to take pictures of my daughter as to have a selection to choose from for her birthday invitations. After having been far removed from photography (snapping pics at random events does not count) for so long I was feeling rather nervous about my performance as technology has changed since I first picked up the Kodak Pentax camera and loaded film in those old cameras that we used when I worked at the photo studio (I know I seriously dated myself in this entry)... things have changed ALOT.

Not only has the technology changed but I have changed. When I was a photographer the best part of my job was working with the kids.It is cool to bring out the smiles and giggles in even the most serious, shy and/or reserved kid. The only issue I had were the parents. Parents fuck up everything, more so for wanting to have their kids pose, smile and look a certain way in a picture opposed to allow the child to relax, be themselves, and get comfortable. Today I became that parent. I felt like I was in an inner struggle with my creative, artistic side and the parental side that had a visions for how I wanted my child to look in these pictures and was going to make that vision come to fruition even if it meant I had to threaten the girl.

At some point I gave in and remembered that the best thing about working with kids was allowing them to do what they wanted and to let them be comfortable with allowing their little personality shine through in the photos; it made the job so much easier. In the end I changed my camera settings, told her to go run free and just took candid shots of her. I ended up getting some really good shots and I was less frustrated with her in the end. I so can't wait to get back out there snapping shots again. :)