Ms. Independent? (Kind of Random)

I am sure we have heard both side of the story of men and women, more specifically black men and women. You know? Why it is so hard for us to have successful relationships and some people spouting that black women have become to independent and they act like they don't need a man blah, blah.

Granted I don't know how much truth lies with in those thoughts but I do know that there are a few things that have recently happened that made me wonder if there is truth to the theory...probably not but follow me and we shall see.

A few weeks ago I ran out of gas at my job. I wanted to be to work on time and felt that I had enough gas to get me to work and go to the gas station at lunch time. Well surprise, surprise I didn't and I can I tell you that my worst fear is running out of gas? Thank the good Lord for AAA or so I thought. I called AAA and they inform me that it is illegal for them to bring fuel out to me because of the county I ran out of gas in and the only thing they could do was come and tow the truck to the gas station so I could put gas in it. While I was on the phone with them my co worker comes up wondering why my face was all frowned up. I told him I ran out of gas his first instinct was, "Ok Lady come on let's go." mine? naw I'm good I am on the phone with AAA *thumbs up*. When he heard me say, "What's do you mean it is illegal for you to deliver fuel to me?" he hung the phone up for me and he said let's go.

He took me to the auto parts store and I bought a gas can we went to the gas station and he was putting gas in his car while I was trying to figure out how to get the cap detached from the can. He had me pull some cutting tool out of his car and saw I was going to try to cut the plastic cord myself and immediately did it for me, I went to get my debit card so he could run it through and put gas in the can, but he filled it up for me right after he filled his tank up. When we got back to the car he refused to allow for me to do anything in terms of making sure gas got into my car and the car got started. Perfect gentleman?? Yes he was but it felt awkward and weird for me to allow someone to do all of this for me. Why? Because I am so used to HAVING (emphasis to show that it is not because I chose but because I have to)do everything by myself, with out additional help or assistance from any one. So for me in theory it is not because I am to independent, it is because I have been independent for so long that I don't know how to allow myself to depend on any one else. However, some one made comment that I was a typical black women when they found out about all that had transpired...moving on...

My last night in Atlanta my girlfriends and I went to a jazz club. The service was horrible and our bills were wrong in the worst way. We had requested to see the manager but ended up having to wait because she was taking other complaints from other people who felt the service was poor that night. Well, there was this man at the next table who was on a date with a nice young lady. The man was getting rather loud with the manager about his issue. Apparently the issue was that he was promised a free bottle of wine. They charged him $42 for the bottle of wine that he was told he was to receive for free. With to go boxes on the table in bags he ended up refusing to pay for not only his bottle of wine but he refused to pay for the meal alll together. So, the manager was like please just pay and leave. He informed her that not only was he not paying but he was not leaving. He stated he had phone records showing he was to receive a free bottle, he was not paying for bad service blah, blah, all the while lil bit was sitting there quiet. It escalated and the manager has called the police to come make him pay and remove him from the restaurant.

Now, we are all hearing this go down because he was rather loud about the situation and his table was right next to ours. All at the table are professional black women who collectively and individually could pay for the bottle of wine and therefore we felt as though we would speak up in that situation. We felt we would tell him to just pay it and let's go, or we would offer to pay it ourselves, or we would give him the money back at the end of the night but we felt that getting the police called on you over a $42 bottle of wine was over the top. Yes, we also felt the manager lacked customer service and should have eaten that $42 bottle of wine just to get dude out of there. None the less we were rather shocked that his date sat there and said nothing the whole time. Just curious but if we were to intervene and say hey, here's my card just put the wine on my card or here is $42 or babe just stop and pay for it, would that be a shot to a man's manhood?? I'm just curious. And yes, I seriously want an answer to that question.

Though I know I would be the one to not have said anything considering how mad dude had gotten...ok let me stop lying. LOL! I would have told him to just pay it and we will take it up with their corporate office later. But I also would have been hot as fish grease at having to be escorted out by the police and he would have heard it on the way home... something like that should have never escalated to police intervention.

Ok... so in telling what I thought was a funny story to my co worker I still got the typical black woman response. But why does it have to be all that? I seriously think that allowing a man to be a man is an issue more of trust than an issue of being entirely to independent to where one may feel they don't need a man. Can't that be a valid theory as well? Can't there be an understanding of that and some one being patient enough to allow said female to be comfortable with not having or needing to do it all??

Ok, my head is starting to hurt I have done enough deep thinking for one day.

Getting Antsy and Just Plain Ole Restless

Gawd, I so hate when I have a whole blog of thoughts in my head and as soon as I log into type them out they are gone... that sucks.

There are some people who simply don't care for change and they are rather content with life being the same day in and day out, there are people who need a change on a consistent basis in order to evade the feeling of restlessness and then there is me; some one who needs to see small patterns of change and newness in order to not feel restless, but...

I have an over whelming feeling to leave this fine state that I was raise in from the tender age of 2...lol. Looking at my situation it may seem that I am in the perfect position to pack up and leave but I am not as there are two things that keep me here fidgeting around until I can be able to go where I want to. Even with those two reason having been my anchor for years I am beginning to feel it losing its grip on me as I look farther and farther out for a new place to move to. It's like a chain reaction... I find a nice place, notice it is in a different state than I reside then I start looking at the job market in said different state. Once I realize what I am doing I snap back to what is my reality and suppress the growing feeling of restlessness that is welling up inside of me to just bounce.

I can't blame this on my trip to Atlanta and not wanting to leave Atlanta (I could have used another day or two) because I have been feeling this way for a while. Some times I wake in the morning racking my brain for a list of things that are left for me here... the list is getting shorter and shorter as the months go by. School is done...no need to stay, I still live with my Dad no obligations to a lender or landlord...no need to stay, I need a change in job duties and this bad boy transfers...no need to stay, No stable long term relationship with any one...no need to stay...

Yes, yes if I wanted I could go on and on and on about why not to stay but hell I won't. Hopefully, something in addition to what is currently holding me here will come along to quite my restless spirit and keep me from feeling as though I need to venture out to obtain God know what at this point. I suppose I will sit back, wait and see; none the less I hate when I start to feel restless. I so need a change.

Back To Reality...

So per the previous blog entry I flew for the first time and it was a very good experience; loved it.

Anyway...

I had a great time in Atlanta and over all the city is beautiful. We went to the see the America I Am exhibit and walked around Atlantic Station. The weather was perfect that day...we also decided to stop and have a lil fun... I went and had a tarot card reading done.

The exhibit was nice though I was mad that we had to wait an hour and a half just to get in and when we did get into see it we could not see all of the artifacts because people had crowded around the different exhibits that were there and at one point we even had to stand in a group like a herd of cattle just to get into another room for the slavery exhibit. Needless to say we were not able to take everything in or were really able to appreciate what we were seeing because of the damn crowd. We were not able to take pictures either and lord knows I wanted to snap some pics of Prince's purple guitar. My girlfriend was about to get us kicked out for attempting to take a picture of the AKA sweater that was there on display. Then my other girlfriends' were fumbling to try and take pics of Mavis Staple's dress... yeah we were wrong in our intent but we did right in the end. LOL!

We went to Atlantic Station, ate, walked around and I got a tarot card reading before we left. I did the tarot card reading for entertainment purposes only. What I thought would be tomfoolery and fishing for infor to tell me what I wanted to hear turned out to be much more...I was in a daze when she was finished with me. She told me so much about the people around me and she had shed some light on things to come and brought about clarity with other situations...interesting to say the least... very interesting.

Now one thing I experienced my first night was hateration from another female. I know it happens here in the area but it does not happen very often to me. Every woman I have encounter has always had something positive to say to me in my face...anyway...moving on...

My girlfriend's cousin came to the hotel club with us and her cousin brought her friend. We will call this said friend Mable. So we go up stairs to the club where I proceed to pay $11 for a glass of wine *roll eyes*. So we go and sit down at a table and chill. Well, this man comes and sits down next to Mable, while I was in my own drunken world (be mindful that I had been drinking wayyyyyy before I hit the club mmmkay?) so I was dancing in my seat, chillin. I so happened to take notice that Mable and dude were talking and he was doing a lot of pointing. I was not paying attention to him at first because he had a wedding ring on and I shut down upon seeing rings on fingers.
Well, Mable started telling me something and I could not make out what she was saying because the music was loud...boo we in a club. What? Uhn? Can't hear you!!! So I told her to switch seats.

I asked him what could I do for him this evening?? Now, I was irritated by the fact that he was sitting there evidently talking to some one I don't know about me and my friend and had yet to introduce himself to everyone at the table. Just rude! So he asked me my name, I gave it to him, he gave me his, shook his hand and he was taken a back by my firm hand shake. I used to do accounting for a home builder on the construction side, thus all interactions were with men therefore I had to not come off soft with them and it stuck. Moving on... so he points to ole Mable and says, "Your friend over there says that you think you are cute." and I said, "Well, I am for damn sure an not ugly. Yes, I do have a good sense of self."

It went down hill from there as he began to question me about how long it takes for me to get ready, then lecture me about being vain amd how 10 mins is entirely to much time to get ready (if his wife divorced his ass I would understand whole heartedly). I was on the verge of asking him how long does it take his wife to get ready?? Plus I was about to let him know if he liked interesting looking females then fine, do him but don't come at me because he assumes I spend hours getting ready and because I feel as though I am on the other spectrum of interesting looking. For the record I don't spend hours because being a mother of three I don't have hours to get ready, I have minutes. If I look that nice after only spending minutes I can just imagine how it would be if I spent hours. But ummm yeah I ended that conversation quickly and gave ole girl the sharp eye. I did not want to get uncivilized in a state foreign to me, especially a state who's laws I am unfamiliar with... to think of it I would have let it go, I am more mellow now than I was 12 years ago.

Ok, I do have one more story that involves the cops...lol(No, the cops were not called on me or any one in my crew but the whole thing was fuuuuny)but I am tired and have to go to work in the AM so I am shutting it down here.

But before I depart I can say that this trip had done a lot for me. I came back with clarity about my life, where I want to go, and the things I want to do. I guess you can say I was inspired by being around such wonderful women all weekend. :)

So Much On My Mind...

I am on my way to Atlanta and I will be flying for the first time in life. I am trying not to have an anxiety attack over this. I think back to when I was in the third grade and we took a field trip to the air port. They let us go through the process, board the plane, take our seats but we did not go any where. I was young, green as a blade of grass and knew no better. Now, shit is different, security measures have been heightened... I am sure I will e in safe hands...with God. :)

Any way... as I am about to leave the only thing that seems to be on my mind is him, ABB. I don't know what it is but he manages to make me smile. Needless to say it was a pleasant surprise waking up to a text message from him this morning. I have to say that out of all the people I have dated and/or been in a relationship with my best memories are of the time we have spent together. Every time I think of a place, quote ;-) or movie he is not far behind in those thoughts... always puts a smile on my face. :)

I cannot say that this is a path way to us getting back together. I am not worried about that for what ever is meant to be will be; but in the mean time I will enjoy every single moment that I am able to have with him and cherish the memories that we have made together.

A Soft Spot He Touched...

Before I get into this entry I need to give an update... I did speak to Prodigal not to long after I wrote the previous entry and I explained to him how I was feeling and he understood, he was calm. In his mind he still feels as though we are meant to be together and refuses to give it up until I have another in my life. Yet, I am still not too worried about him at this point because I at least told him the truth.

Now, last night I went out on a date with my ex, affectionately known as Anita Baker Bandit (ABB). Anyway, it was an excellent date and I had a great time. I honestly say that I forgot how much fun it was to be around him and just hang with him. This date was sooooo different from our other dates. I mean dang we were both early. LOL! Usually I am the one that is running late but this time I switched it up on him. We always watch great movies but this time I picked the movie and it was very good... hehe I get to pick the next one. If you all ever have a moment go and see 500 Days of Summer.

I can honestly say he reminded me of why I love him and why I feel in love with him last year. He did touch a soft spot and brought about a whole bunch of feelings that I thought had disintegrated with our relationship...guess those feelings still linger. I could go further with psychoanalyzing myself and how I am feeling and how it may explain some things but I won't...not at all. Anyway, I am glad I am in a place where I can handle it and just let it be what ever it is and let it turn to what ever it may or may not turn into. None the less I cannot wait until the next date...:)

Now I am of to celebrate my girlfriend/soror's birthday with food and a whoooole lot of drinking.

The Mid Morning Tea..

Hahaha... yeah I did not know quite what to entitle this entry but since I just finished drinking one of what will be several cups of tea today I figured it was a good fit. Tea for me is like coffee for others, I am just not right until I have at least one cup of tea in the morning then we can talk.

Anyway... as usual I have plenty going on all at once and my brain is officially on overload. This last class that I am taking is like having another full time job. So let me see I have a full time job, I am parenting which is full time and now I have this dang blasted class which is full time all in itself and I only get one check out of the three... yeah this degree best to pay off in some manner.

Since school,parenting and over all trying to get myself back on track has consumed my mind and my time I realized last weekend that I lost my focus. I do nothing for me, I had for the most part let myself go in certain areas IE; saving my legs regularly. So after I had treated myself to a long and very overdue pedicure (so unlike me to go longer than two weeks with out one) I decided that I was going to start getting back to basics with doing the things for me that I used to do. So I have been carving out that time to make sure I have it all together; hair, nails, feet, waxed, working out... you get the point. Lawd, it is so hard being a woman and keeping it all together. None the less I am keeping it all together. :)

I know I have work to do today but I can't seem to concentrate. I made a decision last night that has been weighing on my mind since I woke up this morning, actually I got out the shower and thought to myself that I was making a big mistake.

I know I had mentioned my ex and once love of my life, apple of my eye Prodigal. what I did not mention was the current situation out side of him being so far away that he is in a different time zone, which is he is girlfriend who he currently resides with. Well, he has been trying many different ways to figure out how to get back into the same time zone as yours truly but the more he and I talk the more I get this feeling that this (meaning a situation with him) is not going to work for me. I hyperventilate at the mere thought of him being here and us having to share living space together as in some ways we are polar opposites. I can clearly see how different I am now from when he and I were previously together; with that I can see how this just might not work. Especially when there is part of me that simply wants the option to see other people maybe even get a lil sample if that mood miraculously hit me.

Any way last night we both came to the conclusion that the only way he can come out here soon was if we were to move in together. Part of me felt it was a mistake even mentioning it as an option and the other part?? Hell there was no other part that isht was a mistake and I should have kept my mouth shut. Granted I love the man but damn not everything and every one is meant to be and some situations are meant to stay where they currently are, just friends. Now if we had a room mate situation where we share part of the house where there were no romantic or physical expectations of ME then maybe I would be less apprehensive but I can't do it.

Even if his situation were different I still don't think I could go through with this. I realized our reality when he stay with me for a week in 2007. Flash back. Hold. Hyperventilating.

***30 mins later***

Bottom line after having been married and divorced one thing I learned from that experience is that love is not enough. It is never enough and maybe some where along the line I have become cynical, maybe even developed a phobia to commitment, or maybe I have become selfish in wanting my time and my space to myself... I just know that I am not ready for this... I so refuse to make another poor choice and get "stuck" in another bad situation. I seriously don't think that he should jump from one ship onto another he need to be by himself and we need to get reacquainted while we resided in separate dwellings to make sure we even like the new people we both are before we jump into the pool together.

Not Quite What I was Expecting...

Ok so for the last two months I have been on the weight loss grind and ummm the results thus far...





I am not happy, I am trying not to get discouraged because the above is whack and to have it happen to me is whack as shit. I had to take a step back and listen to my body and I come to the conclusion that I need to stop eating red meat all together and cut down on all of my other meats because I have been bloated and feeling quite sick. At this point it is worth a try. May not bring my boobs back but it most likely will shrink my stomach so it will catch up with everything else. *sigh*