The Mid Morning Tea..

Hahaha... yeah I did not know quite what to entitle this entry but since I just finished drinking one of what will be several cups of tea today I figured it was a good fit. Tea for me is like coffee for others, I am just not right until I have at least one cup of tea in the morning then we can talk.

Anyway... as usual I have plenty going on all at once and my brain is officially on overload. This last class that I am taking is like having another full time job. So let me see I have a full time job, I am parenting which is full time and now I have this dang blasted class which is full time all in itself and I only get one check out of the three... yeah this degree best to pay off in some manner.

Since school,parenting and over all trying to get myself back on track has consumed my mind and my time I realized last weekend that I lost my focus. I do nothing for me, I had for the most part let myself go in certain areas IE; saving my legs regularly. So after I had treated myself to a long and very overdue pedicure (so unlike me to go longer than two weeks with out one) I decided that I was going to start getting back to basics with doing the things for me that I used to do. So I have been carving out that time to make sure I have it all together; hair, nails, feet, waxed, working out... you get the point. Lawd, it is so hard being a woman and keeping it all together. None the less I am keeping it all together. :)

I know I have work to do today but I can't seem to concentrate. I made a decision last night that has been weighing on my mind since I woke up this morning, actually I got out the shower and thought to myself that I was making a big mistake.

I know I had mentioned my ex and once love of my life, apple of my eye Prodigal. what I did not mention was the current situation out side of him being so far away that he is in a different time zone, which is he is girlfriend who he currently resides with. Well, he has been trying many different ways to figure out how to get back into the same time zone as yours truly but the more he and I talk the more I get this feeling that this (meaning a situation with him) is not going to work for me. I hyperventilate at the mere thought of him being here and us having to share living space together as in some ways we are polar opposites. I can clearly see how different I am now from when he and I were previously together; with that I can see how this just might not work. Especially when there is part of me that simply wants the option to see other people maybe even get a lil sample if that mood miraculously hit me.

Any way last night we both came to the conclusion that the only way he can come out here soon was if we were to move in together. Part of me felt it was a mistake even mentioning it as an option and the other part?? Hell there was no other part that isht was a mistake and I should have kept my mouth shut. Granted I love the man but damn not everything and every one is meant to be and some situations are meant to stay where they currently are, just friends. Now if we had a room mate situation where we share part of the house where there were no romantic or physical expectations of ME then maybe I would be less apprehensive but I can't do it.

Even if his situation were different I still don't think I could go through with this. I realized our reality when he stay with me for a week in 2007. Flash back. Hold. Hyperventilating.

***30 mins later***

Bottom line after having been married and divorced one thing I learned from that experience is that love is not enough. It is never enough and maybe some where along the line I have become cynical, maybe even developed a phobia to commitment, or maybe I have become selfish in wanting my time and my space to myself... I just know that I am not ready for this... I so refuse to make another poor choice and get "stuck" in another bad situation. I seriously don't think that he should jump from one ship onto another he need to be by himself and we need to get reacquainted while we resided in separate dwellings to make sure we even like the new people we both are before we jump into the pool together.