People Are Crazy!

I was talking to one of my gentleman friends tonight and some thing disturbing came out in our conversation. He was talking about buying a home and he kept on talking about specifically renting the top portion to a woman with children and he stay in the basement portion of the house. Considering I have always had the gut feeling that he was not one to entrust with the care of ones child I asked him, why he specifically would rent to women with children annnnd this was his answer, " Because women with children seems to be more trust worthy and in the event they screw me over I have access to their kids". I said. "what?! Children are the innocent in everything. If you want your money then take their butts to court." And he said, "That is how white people solve their issues and don't know body care about being taken to court. I am tired of getting screwed over by people and if some one screws me over I will go for the jugular... if I had they momma's address I would go for their momma too. I would go for the things that mean the most to them."

I immediately got off the phone and sat in silence with a blank stare on my face. Though I told my girlfriend I was going to put him in a certain category I figured I would be best served if I scratched him off of my list (so much for giving people benefit of doubt) all together as I already know all I need to know. Gawd, so sad he is a walking news report just unfortunately waiting to happen.

There is such a plus in taking ones time and really getting to know some one and how they view things; it prevents from entering into bad situations and folks just end up weeding themselves out of the garden that is my life.

Not A Twang, Not A Ping, Just A Prayer...

I must say that I had a wonderful day today. I went to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch with my children as to continue the celebration of my birthday. We decided to take our Cheesecake to go and hit my favorite place on Earth, the botanical gardens. Why is it my favorite place? Because it is the most peaceful place. It could be packed with walkers and lovers and still be the most quiet, peaceful place on Earth to me. Additionally, the gardens is a very versatile place that can be useful for any occasion; weddings, exercising, photography, weddings, quiet time, romantic strolls and/or picnics you name it you can do it there...lol.

Anyway...

When the children and I got to the park it was some what packed there were people walking around, playing with their children and the ducks. There also seemed to be a wedding taking place. I could hear the music from the ceremony site and my children snuck over to get a glimpse of the event and they came back raving about how, "beautiful the set up was". I also noticed a few couples taking engagement pics. Now, usually when I have been in my no man, no relationship state I have had an issue with being around other people's love and being the lone one in the midst of all those couple...actually I would feel rather uncomfortable. Today I felt no such feelings. The only feeling I felt was happiness and excitement at witnessing and being surrounded by love. It is something about seeing love in your face that let's you know it does exist.

I was so excited that I said a small little prayer. I asked God to allow for their love to grow stronger with each day and for their commitment and love to one another be the shield of protection during the hard times. I prayed that their relationships would last for decades to come. Corny? Maybe a little but I could not help but put some good vibes out there for them. I mean dang have you seen the divorce rate? Have you heard some one spout off reasons for marrying and all those reasons be dead wrong? Therefore I am sure they can use all the prayers they could get.


On a side note, I spoke to ABB (Anita Baker Bandit) this morning and we had a weird conversation. In a nut shell I suppose he was trying to see where my head was at as far as us, because he was ready for a relationship now (as opposed to last year) and he wanted to know if I saw a relationship destination for him and I as a possibility or if I was open to it....mmmmm...mmmmm....mmmm... like I said in my previous post, I am just trying to get to know these gentlemen a whole lot better, getting to know who they REALLY are, what they REALLY think about different things, finding out what their real EXPECTATIONS and INTENTIONS are with no real destination in sight in the end at this point.

Considering that most people know (especially him) me to be honest and straight forward about my intentions and what I want why would that need to be something we would have to clarify?? Maybe it was something he read in this here blog (Yeah he reads from time to time and I feel quite comfortable with that.)??? I don't know but I am chilly chill right now. I am not in a rush nor in a real hurry just trying to get my stuff in order, enjoy my life and the special friends, family and sorors that are in it to the fullest.

Can't Get The Thoughts Together So I'd Rather Just Ramble

I am not certain if this is going to be a random ramble per se but I have had some things on my mind for a while and just thinking about them makes me think about how funny life is sometimes.

Coming this December I would have been divorced for 7 years and after I had gotten divorced I can't say I was to quick to want to remarry again. I mean, why? What for? I had just gotten out of a marriage where this man had been the only man I had been with in every way since I was in the 7th grade. No, that is not a typo my ex and I had been together since I was the tender age of twelve. There was so much I did not have an opportunity to experience and/or do. Once I got into the swing of dating I quickly began to realize that the role of being a wife or in a long term relationship was what was best for some one with my personality and eventually I began to long for a companion, I began to long for everything that came with being a wife.

As I look back at things I can see that there were some things that I needed to learn about being a girlfriend, fiance and eventually a wife and those things had to start with me; not only knowing who I was as a person (likes, dislikes, limits etc.) but also my growing in certain areas. I am not more so speaking of a financial or material growth however I am speaking more interms of mental, emotional and personality growth. For me that all came in fostering a closer relationship with God. I began to notice the closer I got to God the more I learned about myself and the more I learned about myself the more I began to grow, change and ultimately focus on things that I needed to do as to get my house into order. Not get things in order for the purpose of anyone else to come into my life, but for me and to hopefully make life easier on me in the end, especially considering that I am a single mother of three.

I am not going to sit here and say that the years I have spent praying, longing for a companion and potential husband where a waste and they held me back because I suppose it was a phase that I had to go through with in my life. It seems to be funny to me how since I chose to place my focus and attention on other things men have come out of the wood works expressing interest in getting to know me courting etc; and I have taken notice that my longing for a partner is no longer a longing any more, actually it is not even something that is a just is, it is not a want nor is it a need. My longing has seemed to have turned into a choice that may be one day some day I will eventually make and decide that I will want to be with Mr. So and So for the long term, may be even life.


BUT for now I am finding that I am quite content with the friendships I have fostered with these gentlemen and my true agenda is to get to know more about them than to try to wrangle one of them into a long term situation that may not be meant for either party. In away it is kind of like that special item you have wanted, begged for, pleaded for, thought about day and night but never got and when your opportunity finally came around to having it, having that item was no longer as huge of a deal as it was when you were longing for it....yet when you finally decided you were going to get that precious item, having it was much sweeter, you cherished and cared for it a whole lot better than if you were to have gotten it when you longed for it. I suppose life is just funny like that some times.

Ahhhh...

Today was actually a good day and I can say it was a nice birthday. Though there are times when I may feel as though the light is not shining I do know that over all I am blessed and my good days out weigh my bad days by far.

The sweetest moments of my day was my daughter telling me happy birthday and informing me that I need to get white gloves, white shoes and a white dress; that we were going to get a ring and get married. To who?? Who knows. LOL! But it was rather cute.

Then Prodigal and I had a side conversation on Face book and he spoke some things to me that reminded me of why I feel in love with him so many years ago. It felt like he had touched a spot inside of me that has not been touched in a long time.

Those two moments will be forever ingrained in my mind when I think back on my 32nd birthday. However, I would be remiss if I did not say a special thank you to all those that sent birthday wishes via text message, face book, phone and email. Thanks one and all!

Though all my days are blessed days, this one was an especially blessed day.

Out Of The Blue...

Out of the blue yesterday evening I began to receive these text messages from a number unfamiliar to me. I immediately asked the person who they were and low and behold it was my ex, who I have written about on this here blog and will call the Anita Baker Bandit. LOL!

I just don't have a full understanding as to why a man comes out of the dark corners of the world to express wanting to make things work, get back together and/or professing love. It is a weird feeling and all I can wonder is how bored can this person be to want to reach out to me with more than just friendship in mind? I mean really it never worked before so why throw yourself out there now?? Me thinks there is something in the milk. I suppose my real question is, what do you reaallly want? This question is just not to him but it goes out to DA, Prodigal and any other man that I have friendship with and/or previously have dated. In a way it always seems like there is some underlying motive in it all and quite frankly I have so much on my plate right now that I cannot deal with it and don't particularly want to.

Don't take the following sentiment as my being some one that is avoiding a relationship but, as time goes on, the more shit that comes my way and the more bull shit these dudes spew out of their mouths in the name of "love"; the more and more appealing the option to spend the rest of my life alone becomes. Nothing better than to have to deal with me, myself and I, right?

I just wish I knew why I always attract men who don't have the best of intentions towards me??

Anyway...

Last night I spoke to my line sister who shook me out of my birthday funk that I was in. She and I so happen to share the same birthday and she told me that she was having an, I did not imagine my life to be this way reflection last week, complete with sobbing (I refuse to sob...LOL). Anyway she reminded me of a few things and ultimately in the end God is good. I am looking forward to a move in August, among other things. I am praying on it and claiming it because I have to get out of here. I think I might actually celebrate my day tomorrow with the most decadent and fattening cupcake I can find in the DC Metro area.:)

Where To Go From Here??

This coming Tuesday is my birthday and I will officially be 32 years of age on that day. No it is not a shameless plug just follow me because I really am going some where with this. Since I turned 30 every year my birthday rolls around I begin to reflect on my life and every year I come to the same conclusion... I never imagined that my life would be like this. Still struggling with finishing up school, single mother of 3 (one of which has behavioral issues), trying to recover financially and living with the parental units, yet struggling to get out and reclaim my independence and a stressful job that is ever so slowly showing signs of going no where. Yeah, never imagined my life to be like this at this point in time and it often seems like I am in the place or some where near it ever time my birthday rolls around and quite frankly I am tired of that shit... just straight tired. Yet, I never have a clue as to where do I go from here, so I keep on pressing forward doing what I can and feeling as if I am not really making any kind of significant moves. It just leaves me irritated.

I guess what it kind of irritating me most is the question, what are you doing for your birthday? Only to get the blank stare when I answer, "nothing". After years of explaining to people that I have never really had a descent birthday and I have grown to look at it as just another day along with no real plans to be made for celebrating I am quite tired of wasting my breath. So, they stand there quiet, a little stunted and perplexed at the thought of a person not wanting to celebrate much less acknowledge their birthday.

Call it a mild depression if you want but I just want to be in bed, under the covers a sleep for the whole day.

Inspiration...

This weekend I went to Delaware to witness my cousin walk across the stage and receive her degree in Elementary Education from Delaware State University. Let me just say that this will be the most memorable graduation I have ever had the pleasure of attending because it RAINED and it rained hard. Despite the fact that the wind was blowing the rain in every direction known to man the school administration still felt the need to continue with commencement activities OUTSIDE as scheduled. Damn, I mean talk about rain or shine.

Well, my ass looked to good to sit int he rain so me along with many other family members stowed away in an auditorium of one of their buildings. Though the screen shot was a mix of grainy and with rain drops on the lens we still heard her name loud and clear and screamed uncontrollably at witness her accomplishment.

Before I get into the the actual inspiration of it all I will talk about the funny moments:

- When the valedictorian went to go speak to the class he cap blew off and as she yelped she went chasing her cap across the stage.

- They were moving so fast that a graduate was caught on tape walking across the stage holding a full fledged conversation on her cell phone and accepting her degree at the same time. Hilarity at its best.

Anyway...

After 14 years and a few months I am down to the completing two of the last three classes that I have to finish in order for me to graduate. Honestly, I am beginning to feel the burn out from these classes more so this statistics class but I am hanging in and trying to get it done. Shoot trying to make sure my balances are paid and I have money for the next quarter is burn out enough as it is. However, seeing my cousin walk across the stage today and hearing her talk about how hard it was for her as times to keep going, she did it and finished. That gave me the extra push that I needed to really be on the grind school wise in order to see this thing through to the end. Additionally, as I was going back and forth on my decision to participate in commencement activities in December watching her and talking to her today made me change my mind and as much as I want to give Strayer the middle finger salute from the comfort of my own home, I felt I can make a much greater statement doing it in person. LOL! :)

And to think after September I will be with the ranks of other college Alumni who are coming out of grace and will have to begin the task of paying back the money they borrowed to finance their expensive ass education. Not looking forward to student loan repayment and may actually start at some bodies grad school in the Spring so I can push those bad boys off longer. At this point I don't have it all figured out but I will find away to manage it all.

Man, just thinking about what is a head makes me want to be a kid again. Three meals, apple juice, two snacks and a mid day nap.

None the less I suppose the late nights, doing my home work by the light of my laptop at night, finding creative ways to bridge the financial gap and occasionally arguing for a better grade will be worth it in the end just to have the accomplishment met.

Cusstomer Service

Yes, I am quite aware of the spelling in the title because I meant to spell it like that. Now that we got that out of the way, for some reason I have taken notice of the level of customer service that is being given. I went to the spa for a super deluxe spa pedicure courtesy of my three year old daughter. During this super duper, luxurious treatment and massage she stops cold to answer her cell phone and proceeds to have what was a rather lengthy conversation. How can I relax and enjoy the moment with idle chatter in a language that if foreign to me going on?

Yeah I wanted to tell her to get off the phone and get back to work but I was not that upset to even take it there.

Anyway...

This is the first time since my daughter was born that I have actually went on a trip out of town with the children. Now I know why this is the first time, their asses fight to much and only tend to listen when I am yelling and/brandishing a belt to spank them with. I don't get it... If some one speaks to you in a calm and not so crazy manner then why don't you listen? I mean dang, why do I have to be on the brink of completely snapping off and catching a case before they start to move and do what they were told to do? Maybe this is something I am so not meant to understand.

Nervous

Let me just say that since I got this new phone I am feeling less limited than I was feeling before, and yes I am blogging via said phone yet again.

I am sitting here patiently awaiting my performance review and as the reviews dwindle down to me being left to receive mine I am beginning to get nervous, a little light headed even.Even though the written portion of my review was excellent who knows what will come out in the verbal portion.I suppose at the end of the day I can take what is given to me and use them as tools to do better so I can step up when opportunity to go to the next level arrises. Man I will feel 100% better once this is over and I can focus back on other things.

Prodigal and I texted briefly last night and I shared with him some things that I have been feeling and concerned about and surprise, surprise he seemed to have understood rather well because he is in the same boat.I suppose that made consoling me rather easy on his part. But as I looked back at the texts I realized that I tend to have heightened emotions when I sleepy. For me texting while sleepy is equivalent to texting while drunk and I need to stop that before I say something that should not be said nor will I be able to take back.

Ok, I feel better now that I have put words on paper so to speak. Now I must go back to work and sit and wait.

Laundromat

Yes, I am literally in the laundromat...blogging. I figured I would come in and dust this thing off with some random shit tonight.

First up, I have realized that being with certain people ruins shit that one used to like for every time you hear a song, smell a certain scent you have these bad memories and awful feelings that follow behind.

For instance when Mickey and I were dating this time last year I had planned a nice date for the two of us to include seeing Anita Baker live. I bought the tickets and told him well in advance to save the date. In the end the nigga stood me up and before it was really clear he was standing me up he went back and forth with being indecisive about whether wanting to go or not. After that it was some time before I heard from him again and he came to me with the excuse that he needed time to deal with what he was feeling for me. *sigh* the only thing he had for me was a lil lust but any way to this day if I hear an Anita Baker song I will change the station and now they are adverising her being in DC to perform and I get sick to my stomach every time I hear the ad. Ok let me move on as I have devoted entirely to much time to him. Hopefully one day I can listen to Anita with out feeling the urge to wretch.

So, I get to the school to pick up my child only to find she had been injured in an altercation, again. I question if she defends herself at all the time and the teachers heavily attest to the fact that she does; hell I can't tell.I just don't understand, I would not let kids run me like that when I was a kid.I whipped their asses and promptly told them to call my mother when I got caught. Yes, as a child I was a far cry from the classy sophisticate you read about today. LOL! I see right now that need to teach her defensive moves and let her know it is ok to push some one off of you if they are on you.

Lawd why is she in the laudromat entertaining this bad ass lil boy who is pointing a toy gun at her and pretending to shoot her with it? Every time I give him the "I will whip your lil ass look" he walks away and then comes back with that nonsense after a few minutes. I need to have a more thorough talk with my child before I leave this here laundromat because that shit is unacceptable.