Can't Get The Thoughts Together So I'd Rather Just Ramble

I am not certain if this is going to be a random ramble per se but I have had some things on my mind for a while and just thinking about them makes me think about how funny life is sometimes.

Coming this December I would have been divorced for 7 years and after I had gotten divorced I can't say I was to quick to want to remarry again. I mean, why? What for? I had just gotten out of a marriage where this man had been the only man I had been with in every way since I was in the 7th grade. No, that is not a typo my ex and I had been together since I was the tender age of twelve. There was so much I did not have an opportunity to experience and/or do. Once I got into the swing of dating I quickly began to realize that the role of being a wife or in a long term relationship was what was best for some one with my personality and eventually I began to long for a companion, I began to long for everything that came with being a wife.

As I look back at things I can see that there were some things that I needed to learn about being a girlfriend, fiance and eventually a wife and those things had to start with me; not only knowing who I was as a person (likes, dislikes, limits etc.) but also my growing in certain areas. I am not more so speaking of a financial or material growth however I am speaking more interms of mental, emotional and personality growth. For me that all came in fostering a closer relationship with God. I began to notice the closer I got to God the more I learned about myself and the more I learned about myself the more I began to grow, change and ultimately focus on things that I needed to do as to get my house into order. Not get things in order for the purpose of anyone else to come into my life, but for me and to hopefully make life easier on me in the end, especially considering that I am a single mother of three.

I am not going to sit here and say that the years I have spent praying, longing for a companion and potential husband where a waste and they held me back because I suppose it was a phase that I had to go through with in my life. It seems to be funny to me how since I chose to place my focus and attention on other things men have come out of the wood works expressing interest in getting to know me courting etc; and I have taken notice that my longing for a partner is no longer a longing any more, actually it is not even something that is a just is, it is not a want nor is it a need. My longing has seemed to have turned into a choice that may be one day some day I will eventually make and decide that I will want to be with Mr. So and So for the long term, may be even life.


BUT for now I am finding that I am quite content with the friendships I have fostered with these gentlemen and my true agenda is to get to know more about them than to try to wrangle one of them into a long term situation that may not be meant for either party. In away it is kind of like that special item you have wanted, begged for, pleaded for, thought about day and night but never got and when your opportunity finally came around to having it, having that item was no longer as huge of a deal as it was when you were longing for it....yet when you finally decided you were going to get that precious item, having it was much sweeter, you cherished and cared for it a whole lot better than if you were to have gotten it when you longed for it. I suppose life is just funny like that some times.