How A Bill Becomes A Law...

My girlfriend asked, " I wonder if she (Gov. Palin) even knows how a bill becomes a law? Maybe I should send her School House Rock"

Well...

Was I Being Petty???

I went to Walmart today to purchase a few necessities. Apparently Walmart has this new $4 prescription and over the counter drug program and the usually expensive medication that my child is in need of today was on their list. I found the medicine on a big display case that said $4, I was happy and picked it up. I go to check out and it rings up $0.96 higher than advertised. I politely told the cashier that it was supposed to be $4 and she had the slow dude go check the price. In the mean time while she is checking the price I am holding the line up. *biting lip*

Yes, I know I am cheap and I take advantage of every opportunity I have to save some money (pissed to find out gas is $3.42 a gal here and I paid $3.45 a gal where I was at) but I could not help but wonder if I was being petty by holding up this line all over $0.96??? I mean in these times every penny counts, but still.

The Office...

I was walking to the kitchen today and I noticed one of the facility workers down the hall way on the other side of the building and I began to wonder, how much distance should there be before you actually acknowledge or say hello to some one? For a second I thought should I just wave? Give a head nod? Or, just go into the kitchen and wait for him to get down on my end before I speak/acknowledge him? I went a head took the safe route and waved to him sweetly. :) I try my hardest to establish relationships with people who work in other departments, never know when I will need some preferential treatment.

Anyway...

No matter where I work I am always in an office that is ice cold. Or maybe it is just me, but I am cold. Right now I have my heater cranked up and there is a significant temperature difference in my office and outside of my office. It can be hotter than the Devil's toe nail outside and I will have my heat cranked up. My supervisor has threatened to call Life Management on me and have them send me to the doctor to make sure I am alright but I am anemic and I rather crank up the heat then be bogged down with the side effects of taking iron pills.

Ahhh well she could be like one of my other supervisors (Rashad) who took a moment to clown me like it was no bodies business.

Speaking of Rashad, can I just say after reading his blog entries about office sharing I am more thankful each day that I have my own office?? Not that I have taken it for granted but dang I am thankful.

Ok, this rambling must cease and I must get back to work.

Everybodies A Critic

I am sure that no more than 59 1/2 seconds after Mrs. Clinton finished her speech endorsing Barack Obama for President (AKA consoling her supporters, unifying the party) the comment section of CNN was set a blaze with various negative commentary about Obama and his run for presidency.

I know not every candidate is going to be liked as it is so hard to be liked by virtually every one so I can understand that one would have critic or as I lovingly call them HAAATERS.

Is it just me? Or, does It seems as though they are missing the point and true spirit of this thing called politics?

I love politics. It is strategic, interesting, at times a teeth clincher and apparently it can drive other wise normal people to do the most immoral and unethical things (overall a suspense thriller). No matter where you go, whether it is work or various organizations you work with or in there will be some level of politics that one will be witness to and affected by.

All in all politics is one big game, that most people play to get into a key position(s) (most times a position of power). At the end of the the game there is a clear winner and loser (or so one would like to think...Florida and the 2000 election comes to mind).

With politics being the game that it is, where does the sense of entitlement come from?

Where do people feel the nomination should have been so and so's because we worked so hard? Or, because so and so was qualified? Where does it come from? Politics is gambling, a game. You can either win or lose and there is no guarantee that the jack pot will be yours in the end, unless it is one person running unopposed. Well unless you do some sneaky underhanded, immoral and unethical things along the way (hey folks are rather forgiving in this area...surprisingly), yet that is still not enough to guarantee that numba 1 spot.

Furthermore, what did Clinton supporters expect in last nights speech? For Hil to come out and bust the DNC wide open with her rendition of Jennifer Holiday's "And I am Telling You", proclaiming that she is still in the game?

Come on folks. It is what it is. See the forest for the trees and look at the real issues.

With this country being at war, economy about to hit bottom (where ever that is) and unemployment rate rising. Folks are really going to throw a vote away and not even give this man a chance to fail or succeed?? I mean not even attempt to put this country in a position where it can be in a better position than it is in now?


ROFL! Wow, just wow.

Things I Just Don't Understand...

I will never understand...

what would make a person so heartless to the point where they don't give a fuck about how their actions effect others.

what makes a person pretend as if they care about another when they really don't.

what makes a person lie just because they can.

what makes a person not care that they have hurt some one who truly loves and cares for them.

what makes a person become yet another nigga to crush a scarred heart that they know has been broken by others in the same manner in which they just broke it.

Are there any selfless, genuine, caring loving men left in this world?

*tears*

Excuse me while I continue to feel stupid for truly believing in, loving and caring for this person.

Excuse me while I continue to feel stupid for ever believing this person could/would ever come to truly love and care for me.

I serious just don't get it... I just don't understand...

Black Folks...

There are a few things that will bring black folks out of the wood works, bar b ques, weddings and funerals. Today my heart broke as I stood and watched my line sister say her last good byes to her mother, who passed away last week after having fought an illness for years. A sad moment yes it was, however you can always count on black folks to act out.

Things started off good. My other line sister and Sorors got to the church really early however we chit chatted in the church parking lot. I got complimented on the weight loss which quickly followed comments about my rather large behind and its impact on the world...black folks. As I always say... don't hate, appreciate.

Anyway...

We get into the church get seated and this lady walks in and trips, I seriously thought she fell but it turned out to be the beginning of an "acting out" next thing I know it was, "Praise Jesus! *tears* *screaming* Jesus!" I tried not to laugh but there is always one in the bunch that will act out... black folks.

Then the Pastor did go on, and on, and on and on. That is not an issue I'm AME so I know about the long winded sermons but could he of taken a REAL breath in between words, sentences? I thought the poor man was on the verge of having an asthma attack. I was hoping he had an inhaler on him, nebulizer, something.

Now... this is the thing that got me... Pastor got up and said, "You all are gonna die! Repeat after me, I am gonna die!" Ummmm Boo Boo no. No maam, no, no, no maam. Not today. Yes, I know one day I will go home but I have already had a near death experience before. When some one says "I should not be here, I should be dead" I understand completely because I know I should be dead and buried; BUT I know that I have not served the purpose that God has placed me on this Earth to fulfil therefore I won't be speaking my demise into existence. MMMMkay?! Good. Thanks.

Lord it has been a rather long day... mental note eat before I go to another funeral.

....black folks.

Tithing, The Giving That Keeps On Giving?

I sat on the phone with my girlfriend watching Michelle Obama (I love her) shine her light on America. In the middle of her speech I was of course multi tasking; I was surfing through CreditBoards and came across some valuable information which lead me to take things a step further in stabilizing my financial situation. Eventually I went onto start setting up my automatic payment for my most important (fixed) bills.

Let me just stop and say that I am grateful that a way has been made for me to get this together because just a month ago I was on the verge on filing bankruptcy (my first time saying/typing it to some one other than my gf) for the second time...

Anyway, I was telling my girlfriend that I was rather nervous but excited that I got all of my bills set up automatically to come out of my account and this is the first time that I am having the FULL ten percent of my tithes coming out of my account. Yes, I know I said I "etithe" but I never said how much I tithe. LOL!

Real talk though that is a large chunk of money that I am paying out, but in the end I have to believe that God will give it back as promised, because in the end God is all that I have. So, in expressing this to my girlfriend (who has been crying all night) that tithing has been something I struggled with because after paying all of my monthly bills I barely had anything left to give and I was quite nervous for the whole thing to go out up front. At this point she took the time to testify to me about the power of tithing... this emotionally challenged heffa began to cry, again and she made me cry. :-I All is forgiven though, don't let it happen again. LOL!

Anyway, this took me back to a few Sundays ago when all I had to "safely" tithe (aka the check won't bounce) was $5. That was the day that God said, " sit back and watch what I am about to do" while I was sitting in church. I got home that Sunday afternoon and my Dad gave me $20 to get the kids some food, because their spoiled butts did not want hot dogs.

So I took their spoiled butts to get some food and my change back was $5. 55. Now usually this would be of no bother to me but for some reason it seemed as though that lil $5 was eyeing me from my purse... I have a Way to Save account with Wachovia (I love them). Every time I use my check card, automatic withdrawal or bill pay they put $1 into a savings account. I check my accounts a few times a week to make sure it all matches up with my check registry and I noticed that I had exactly $5 in my savings account.

Funny how that $5 kept on materializing in some way shape or form. I suppose I will be holding onto that as proof (along with holding onto faith) of God's word.

As I look back on where I used to be and where I am now, I can say God has brought me a mighty, mighty long way and no one cannot tell me that God is not good.

Waiting for the Excedrin to Work...

I came home with a major migrane and I figured I would blog while waiting for the Excedrin to work (this is some good shit). I am beginning to think my job is making me sick for me to have to go back to keeping a bottle of Excedrin in my purse and in my desk at work but I digress.

Anyway...

Not much to blog about today. After I come back from mourning the loss of life tomorrow I am going to enjoy the life that God has blessed me to continue to live.

I have been considering having a certain part of my body pierced, I just may go and see about getting that done... that is if nothing else comes up. ;)

License to Procreate

Disclaimer this is not suitable for the work place.

Some people just do not need to have children....





Every body in that room needs their ass beat.

Cocktail Conversation...What Makes You Stay?

Have you ever been with someone that you loved and cared for dearly but the situation you all were in just frustrated the hell out of you? Have you ever considered leaving? Plotted it even?

In the end what makes you stay? Is it not wanting to be a relationship failure? Love? or both?

If any one is an avid reader of this here blog then you would know the ups and downs of the situation I am in. Yes, I get frustrated to the point where; I think about leaving, I plot leaving, I have planned out a twelve step program for leaving but some thing holds me in that place.

I would say it is love but I feel that it is something more than love... I can't quite put my finger on it.

Just Ugh!

I have really not been in the mood this week. I have been sick, hormonal, emotional and B*tchy all rolled into one and this mess that I am comfronted with as i oepen up my work email is elevating my b*tchy mood. I really wish I could just kick my co worker in his nuts right now for this.

Not So Good Friday...

For me at least. I am still sick, should have stayed home but it's a lil to late now. I am going to break down and seek some form of medical attention, so I just might be leaving early.

I have not been able to eat the whole week needless to say I am hungry. Real hungry. In trying to keep this short I am just going to post my songs for Flashback Friday...

I am just giving one today...

SOS Band - No One's Gonna Love You

Making A Mental Note

...to get this thing done this time, been procrastinating on just doing it, getting it done and over with. Hopefully this attempt will work, hopefully my heart will stop fighting my mind and finally I can just let go and be done with it... this time.

"Endgame"

Ahhhh... perfect song...

Denice Williams- Silly

"I Don't Want To Just Be Your Friend"

I have heard "I don't want to just be your friend" spoken to me many times and for the life of me I cannot understand the rhyme or reason behind it.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be with some one more than as a freind but my issue and more so confusion come in, when a man clearly is, 1) not ready or does not want the same things as I, 2) does nothing to show that he is really feeling all that he is saying and 3) just does not do anything to make a woman feel as though he really values her as more than a "servicer".

So when some one comes to me with I don't want to just be your friend I translate it into this...

I don't want to have a relationship (right now or possibly with you) and though I may value you as a person I don't value you that much to treat you like I care in the least therefore I am asking for you to choose. Either you stay and settle for the bones that I am throwing your way, be a servicer to me and you let me do what I do until I possibly get to the point of giving you what you really want or we no longer speak to one another at all.

Granted I could be wrong in my translation of things but I look at the big picture. The big picture being; how that person acts, his patterns with me and his character and if they are more in line with all of the above rather than the empty words coming out of his mouth. If I am wrong then please feel free to explain the concept behind not wanting to just be a friend? As always I am open to be enlightened by the point of view of others.

Real talk though if this is how the game is played then I rather not play at all. This is one of the many reasons why I have no issue with being alone or leaving a unhappy, unfufilling and one sided situation with out regret, what ifs, would ofs, should ofs, or could ofs.

Damn...No Words, Just A Song...

.... Some things leave you with no words and a simple song...

The Roots - Break You Off

It's Late...

As usual I have plenty on my mind....

I recently asked myself, does sisterhood really exist? Over the last few weeks I got a resounding, YES to that question. It is amazing to see my sorors and my girlfriends come to the aid and support of one another when some one is going through a rough time, transitions, and phases. It is amazing how people that though you may not have a tight relationship with but are bonded with through a sisterhood care enough about you to give you guidance and words of encouragement, help you get things done when you simply can't do them yourself and hold you accountable for your actions :-/. Witnessing the bonds of sisterhood over the last few months reminds me of part of the reason why I joined two organizations and belong to a tight knit message board. I love y'all! :)

Overall the last few weeks have been eye opening weeks... I have a new perspective on things and I may have to start making some serious life changes because I see myself putting entirely too much energy into people and things that are not going to be fruitful to me in any way in the long run.

I also realize that I need to say the things that need to be said for we never know if there will be a tomorrow. The last thing I would want it to part with some one having them feel or think that I don't love them or care for them, then something happens and I will never again have the chance to let them know how I really feel for them. Not something I would want to live with, therefore I will never assume that so and so knows how I feel about them I will just tell them and cut out the guess work.

Another realization...lol... I am a great person. Yep, I sure am. I know that I am an exceptionally good woman as well and I should not have to convince any one of that. If no one can see that in me or appreciate it for what it is then that it is on them, it is their loss and I refuse to channel my energy into trying to convince someone that I am good enough to be (insert what ever here). I already know I am good enough they just need to recognize it, accept it and know because of that I am not going to settle for anything less than what I want/need. :) Even if it means letting go of somethings and people in order for me to get to that point, person, place or thing that can really see, accept and appreciate all of me and I can get what I want/need as well as give what is wanted/needed then those sacrifices I will make.


I recently wrote a blog about life being a spectator sport... it's past time for me to stop being a spectator and get out on the field and play.

Scary Things, Dislikes and Everything In Between

When I was 10 years old my family and I had moved from our house to an apartment that did not have a washer and dryer in the unit, thus we had to utilize the laundry room down stairs. The laundry room also doubled as a storage room, so each tenant had a good size storage closet (approximately 10 in total) down there. The whole laundry room was approximately 700 sq. feet in size. The only light down there was the one that hung directly over the washer and dryer the rest of the laundry room was pitch black.

One night my mother sent me down stairs to put the clothes she had in the washer into the dryer for her. The door was left unlocked and opened, this having been my first time down there I did not know any better but Lord was I scared shitless when I got down there and it was dark as all hell and the only light there began to flicker off and on. I knew if I did not do what she asked me to do then an ass whippin was emanate (those came very frequent with out rhyme or reason behind them most times) so I figure I would quickly put the clothes in the dryer and roll.

As I opened up the lid to the washer I heard one of the storage bin doors make a loud clap followed by a crash from out of the darkness and I JETTED. I was a thick kid and ran slow but that night I was FLO JO EXPRESS for real. I had the fear of God in me and I was ready and prepared for any ass whippin she had to hand out to me that night. Ever since then I don't do laundry rooms. If I am looking for an apartment and that apartment does not have a washer and dryer inside of it then you can forget it.

I remember when my ex husband and I moved into our first apartment we paid extra a month in rent just so we could have a washer and dryer. Bless his whole heart, he tried his hardest to convince me that it was ok to use the laundry room, which was located right next to our apartment. He showed me that it was fully lit, there was a lock on it and everything. I also knew that he would always protect me from harm but I did not give a damn. In him being the good husband that he was he respected my fear and conceded to paying an extra $50 a month just so we could have a washer and dryer in our apartment.

...funny how you plan for your life to go one way and it goes in a completely opposite direction... I suppose there is purpose in everything.

Random Monday

I just have a lot of things running through my head to today and I don't quite know where to begin with it all. It is not all bad just some thoughts...lol. Actually I am feeling sick and I am contemplating leaving for the day, going home and laying it down until it is time to pick Lil Bit up from the day care.

For some reason that song Break Up to Make Up is rolling through my head and it got me to wondering about the dynamics of relationships; more so the flow of it all. It's kind of like we are both in sync we are feeling one another and all into the doing of the relationship and as we begin to get closer and connect the other falls back. :-/ Then the fall back creates a sense of insecurity and as if things are one sided then the other falls back in response. :-/

........... I just don't understand..... stop falling back dammit! Stay your butt right there and don't move. LOL!

Anyway...

This weekend I learned that I cannot eat the things that other people eat. I have to accept that I am special and God made me a picky eater for a reason. Yes, it may look good, smell good and taste very good but in the end I am not going to feel good, like now. Nor can I eat as much as others either. Saturday I was so full it felt like I ate a midget. I could not breathe and my eyes were rolling in the back of my head... that is crazy full for me.

Though I have knowledge of my food limitations, it is not going to stop me. LOL! There are just somethings that I have not tried that I want to taste... I like trying new things. I suppose me and the pink stuff will become bosom buddies.

Ok, this is not what I really wanted to write about today. I will submit that entry when I get home this evening... provided I am feeling better.

Church Observations...

Lord please forgive me? LOL!

Ok, I admit I have not been to church in a minute (except for 6 PM service a few weeks ago). What can I say? My church makes it kind of easy for some people like me who will find away around any thing; I can tithe online or have tithes deducted automatically from my account bi weekly, I can go view the live web cast online for all three services and Wednesday night bible study... the perfect recipe for me and Deacon Sheets.

So today was my first time attending 10 AM service in more Sundays than I can count. As I was sitting in service I kind of took notice of some things that made me chuckle. Now mind you I am not knocking how folks praise the Lord and show their thanks because with every service you will find me on my knees with tears streaming down my face and at times screaming "Thank you" to the high heavens (my God is GOOD).

However, I took notice of a dude in the front of the church in the midst of praise and worship trying to hype the congregation up like he was a rapper performing a concert for hundreads of people and my immediate thought was, "When did the Holy Ghost need a Hype Man?!" I did not realize the Holy Ghost needed a Hype Man. My next observation is the one dude that just gets into it so much so that he takes off running full speed around the church.

It is almost like I can count it down 3, 2, 1 TAKE OFF and there he goes flying. Now, those of you who know me, know I have an active imagination so I sit and I say a little prayer for this man that there is no one in the congregation that has the mentality that of my friend Rashad who would possibly not only think to stick their foot out in the isle to trip dude up but just might actually do it. No incidents yet, God is good.


Anyway...

I took notice today that God has always spoken a word to me in the midst of what ever I was going through. Usually the message is always the same, yet I get a new message each year. Since the beginning of the months it has always changed...

Beginning of August, God said. "You seasons are changing", last week God said, "Get ready and hold on it is all going to happen real fast and you MUST be ready" and today God said, "Sit back and watch what I am about to do".

.... this is going to be amazing.

Feel Good Friday!

Can I just tell you that I am so excited that this work week is over that I JUST don't know WHAT to DO with myself?!

This has been a bad week. Anything that could go wrong technology wise has gone wrong, creating serious work stoppage. What I do for a living cannot handle work stoppage like that, no sir. We rely heavily on technology to get done what needs to get done and when things go hay wire there really is no reverting to an "old method" in order to get things done. The funny part about this is, I work for a major IT defense contractor and we can't even be on point with our computer equipment, databases, and email. BLAH! Thank God for a good IT team though. I love my men in IT, they always come to my rescue. One also comes into my office and draws pretty picture on my white board, now that is going above and beyond your job duties. :)

Anyway...

As always I will be playing this weekend by ear as far as events go. I just might have another veg out weekend. At this point it does not matter to me because either way I will be chill.

I feel so good today! LOL! Ok, ok back to blogging.

I am going to make this a flash back Friday. I am going to give you two...

Black Sheep - This or That

A Tribe Called Quest - Check The Rhyme

Tough Love

Yesterday I had a pity moment of sorts and got caught up in my frustration with my life. Through it all I was talking to my girlfriend who from time to time has to show me that tough love and be honest with me about how things really are from the outside looking in (one of the many reasons why I love her, thank you). Granted I reveled in the pity for a minute, pushed through the feeling to just give up and went back to chipping away at the things that I need to focus on and do.

This morning I woke up with a few revelations...

The first I am very much a realist because of the way my life has been I tend to look at the reality of the situation and what the situation is right now opposed to how things can be. I know I do that for the very same reason I don't divulge my future plans or ideas (outside of work) to people; because it just eliminates the feelings of disappointment when things don't turn out the way I planned for them to. What am I going to do about that? I am not sure. I have not had the experiences that come with changing ones out look on that, therefore I can't see things any differently right now.

Second, I really need to take a step back from a lot of things. The service year for both of my sororities are quickly approaching and I know I cannot devote the time to either organization. I need that time to focus on clearing off some of the things I already have piled on my plate. I have been procrastinating on having the "you will see my check but not me this year" conversation with my chapter Basileus... but uhhhh considering she is also my mentor I am going to take a risk on getting cussed out for not having told her all that is going on, again.

Third, I realized that I left my last relationship off on a very bad note and that I need to at least make some sort of amends... try to make things right. I have attempted to extend an olive branch, just to say "yo I am cool, it's all good" but the attempt has gone without response (yeah it was that bad). BUT at least I tried and that is all I can do is, try. Will I try again? Nope, I won't. It is what it is. All I can (and will do) is pray that God keeps him safe and blesses him.

The Ex Factor

One fact of life that I have always accepted is that ex (es) for the most part never go away. In some way, shape or form they always come back. Checking up to see how you are doing, to give their apologies for being an (insert whatever here), to tell you they have moved on, or how much you have impacted their life, some to mess with you, to get their ego stroked and a few who truly see that there is no life with out you and want to try again; no matter what reason they come back.

Unfortunately it seems as though the ones with out the best of intentions, empty promises, and bags fulls dreams to sell are the ones that always seem to come out of the darkness for which they dwell in.

I have two people who come to mind that have had an ex come back into their lives and one I definitely know came back with selfish and ill intentions, that were not meant to benefit my sis in any way. It really hurts to see her go through the same feelings of hurt and being in the same exact place that she was in for years after their break up.

The whole time we had our discussion about him and his reappearance I could not help but ask, why? I never really had an understanding as to why an ex pops back up in some one's life, especially if said ex has clearly and I mean CLEARLY (marriage, babies etc;) moved on. To me it can't be on no let's be friends tip, because if that was the case then a friendship would have continued not long after the relationship ended and it would have possibly taken on a form that was comfortable for both parties.

Granted, I do have an understanding if someone feels that they have made a mistake in letting the other go, want to make amends, start off fresh, start a solid friendship what have you but to let years go by, move on completely and try to come back only means trouble and heart ache.

Unfortunately, I am speaking from hard learned lessons. There have been a few exes in particular that just needed to stay exactly that, exes and there is all of one that I would actually give a thought into rekindling something with (I said give thought and rekindle most likely would be in the form of friendship).

Is change possible? Yes, a person growing and changing is very possible. I have seen it with my own eyes. However... I have learned that any one can say they have changed, they have grown, and things are different but like with anything in life proof is definitely in the pudding. If you give it enough time and not get to engulfed in the attention, the memories and feelings then you will be able to tell if that person really has changed. If you realize they have not, then you can leave and move on fairly unscathed.


Some times there are some people that are best left in the status that they are in. We need to remember that about 75% of the time (I am being very generous with that percentage) an ex is an ex for a very good reason and we don't need to go through the experience again to be reminded of that reason.

Sins of Your Brutha

Ok... I wrote this poem some months ago and posted it on a now defunct blog because I did not want the person that it is written about to read it (tee hee) any way after receiving positive feedback on it I figured I would post it here. LOL! No, not hoping to weasel my way out of the Poetry Slam..lol. Is it working? No, let me stop playing and just post it already.

Sins of Your Brutha

He says, his sins are not my sins.
She says, don't make him pay for his sins,
Because his sins are not sins of the other.
But let's see, outside of his mannerisms,
Does he share his playboy ways?
Seeking attention from other women just because he wants to play?
Dividing his time between me and them?
Telling me, her or who ever what we want to hear
Just to keep things calm, keeps us here just so we can stay
And satisfy what ever needs or urge he has.
Different man same sins, so exactly who should pay?
The one who played with my heart before?
Or the one who is secretly doing it now today?
You say I am distant but ask yourself ,
does she know what I have really been up to today?
Has she figured out this shit ain't real and I am just playing games?
Maybe it is just me, yeah I could be over thinking, and maybe not.
Maybe I particularly don't want to wait for that other shoe to drop
To the ground and the only thing making a thud sound

is my heart fall out my chest to the floor.
So you can see my agenda is to love with out love hurting any more.
I am trying to change, work through some thangs so just be patient with me because sins of your brutha has created quite a fuss, stirred up all kinds of emotions inside of me.
Yeah, I may have moved on but not completely because those sins of your brutha still seem to be with me.

Why?

Have you ever had a moment where you had to stop and just ask yourself, why do you do the things that you do?

I had to reevaluate myself today...

My ex called to see how I was doing yesterday and during our conversation he mentioned that he was looking for a nice place for him and his daughters to live. After we got off the phone I realized that I do have access to certain things that he does not have access to and I could very possibly find him exactly the house he wants, where he wants and for the price he wants.

So, this morning when I got into work I called him, offered my assistance, got to looking, found somethings and emailed them off to him. We spoke once again, I explained to him what I found and he said he would take a look at them and he would call me later. <~~ he don't need to call me later just call the realtor.

This whole scenario is entirely to familiar and it got me to thinking about how I am with people...I have no understanding as to why I am always so helpful and compassionate with people, some for the most part don't deserve for me to even think about them much less help them (not him specifically). Yet and still there seems to be something inside of me that is greater than me, that pushes me to lend them a helping hand.

I have been told that I am entirely too nice and often times to giving. Some times I tell myself that I really need to stop because the people you assist don't appreciate it and most time ask like I am supposed to help them. But part of me just can't stand to see a person struggling...

It just all made me sit down and ask myself, why do you continue to do the things that you do?

Something New..

No, this is not going to be an entry about interracial dating... though I did tell myself that if things did not work out with the person I was seeing that is an option I would explore, yet and still I digress.

Anyway...

My girlfriends and I were having a conversation on our message board about learning new things. So as a way of holding one another accountable for the things we really wanted to try to get out and learn we decided make lists.

I had to take time to sit and think about what I really wanted to take a stab at learning because I have done so much with in my 31 years on this Earth.

Finally I figured that I would:

- Learn how to become a fashionista. My style in short is some what plain and I have entirely to many curves to be walking out the house looking plain Jane most times. Most times I can't put together an outfit with out consulting my LSN fashion team (Love ya ladies!).

- Though I can understand Spanish (I understand most languages... I want to know if you talkin about me) my conversational Spanish needs work. I also want to learn how to speak French as well.

- I love baking so I want to perfect that craft and increase my knowledge of cake making and decorating. I also want to learn how to make more pastries and desserts. At this moment I think I am going to start working on my rum soaked walnut fudge brownies.

- I want to learn how to play chess. All the folks who said they would sit down and teach me have yet to do so. I think I need to start a harassment list so I can get some cooperation and assistance.

- I want to learn more about art. Years ago I took an Eastern Asian art class... from what I remember I liked it and I have a some what old friend who has sparked my interest for the arts.

- I want to learn how to Hand Dance and Chicago Step.

- I want to learn how to sing better... yes I can sing (especially when I am in pain) but I have good moments and bad moments. I prefer all my moments to be good ones. :)

- I also want to learn more about Jazz. I took an Intro to Jazz class years ago thinking it was going to be one of those BS classes, not. My professor made me WORK for that A none the less I had fun, loved it and it sparked a serious interest I have yet to pursue further.

Dag so much to learn well I better get busy with it.

Tell me, what new thing (s) do you want to learn?

Procrastination Strikes Again

Yes, yes, yeas, yessss. I am up at midnight not because I cannot sleep but because once again my ass was procrastination on school work, therefore I had to literally burn the midnight oil and get my work done and turned in before mid night.

I don't know what my issue is nor do I have a clue as to why I continue to push the things I can get done today off until tomorrow, to the next day, the day after that, the day after that day on up until hours before it needs to be done.

Maybe this is why I struggle in certain areas with in my life because I consistently put things off until the last minute. I sometimes don't say the things that I should really say because I put them off to avoid train wrecks, using my emotional explosion as a prime example things get messier and more hurtful than a dang on potential train wreck.

The older I get the worse my procrastination seems to get... I once found a twelve step program for procrastinators... yeah in fact it was Procrastinator's Anonymous (do they have an anonymous for everything??). I might have to revisit joining because putting things off is interfering with my sleep and the quality of my work among other things.

Ahhh hell now my adrinaline is still pumping from last minute school work I won't be falling off to sleep for a while.

Ladies, Appropriate Panties Please???

Ok, ladies some of you all need to do better. When you leave the house you need to leave with the appropriate kind of panties or some of you might want to also throw some Lycra on them thighs.

I should not be subjected to jiggle, wedgies and all kinds of craziness coming into my eyes sight because you did not do your due diligence as a female and wear appropriate panties with your outfits. I should not know that you have on hot pink panties with leopard print om the edges... the world don't need to know nor see. Can we say flesh tone? Nude, chocolate, black and tan are all available, they also have seamless, wedgies less and suck you tummy in kinds as well. Pick the right one for you situation. They also have boys shorts, thongs, g-string, tanga, Cheeky panties, bikini, briefs, low rise, high cut, french cut, and commando TAKE YA pick. Once again use what ever is appropriate for your situation.

Please note this advice is coming from a thick sistah with a huge booty therefore I know what I speak of. Know better and do better. If you are going to wear tight, yeast infection brewing pants, either wear no panties or go thong or g-string. Dresses, wear something seamless that controls the wiggle and jiggle and that is flesh tone for those of you like me who don't wear slips. SOME of you just need to forgo panties and put on a straight Lycra girdle... yeah the kind that smooths from stomach to right about the knee. It gives you a smooth look and holds everything together.

Now if you get like me sometimes, don't care too much if it jiggles, don't want no lines or discomfort go commando... but be prepared for stares, gasp and comments from men and women alike.

Ok that is my PSA for the week.

On a lighter note... I love boots and the season for boots is quickly approaching so I have been on the prowl for my boot picks to last me through the fall and winter months...

Though the boots pictured above are more my style, for some reason I am highly attracted to these two pairs of boots...

My I have no clue as to what I would do with them as I have nothing to wear them with nor does there seam to be anyone I would specifically wear them for... I am contemplating on getting them and putting then in the just in case I need them for something pile. Mmmmmmm...

Lazy Weekend...

This is the first weekend in ever that I have not had to get up early, get children ready and hit the streets. Nor do I have numerous places to go, things to do and people to see. It is just one of those rare relaxed weekends where I wake up late and for the most part lay in the bed.

Though this morning my spirits were saddened as I logged on to be greeted by news that Actor/Comedian Bernie Mac had died at the age of 50 (R.I.P)... my goodness he was younger than my father. The news of his death put things into perspective for me... sigh.

Basically, I some what had the house to myself so I went and cleaned the kitchen while my Dad road my daughter around on the lawn mower this morning. When she came in the house tired and hungry I saw an opportunity to crawl back in the bed and veg out while she napped. After moving my car so my Dad could power wash it (Thank God for Daddies) I put her down got on the phone with my girlfriend, watched Twister (love natural disaster movies) and discussed ideas for her impending wedding...yeah I vegged out and then took a nap.

I was so caught up in the relaxation and laziness of the day that I forgot I had committed myself to going out with the Minister tonight for some fun. We agreed we would go out more often so I can help him stay out of trouble...LOL! We were supposed to go bowling but I have no child care lined up and I am being rather lazy today so we will be postponing our plans until next weekend (my child free weekend. YES!). It's all good he just prolonged an ass whippin that's all (damn cussed again).

Now, I am just blogging, procrastinating on school work, chillin and as always thinking, thinking, thinking. I was praying Thursday night and Friday morning I woke up with a song in my head that for some reason I can't get out. It is still rolling around in my head, instead of trying to figure out why it is there or what it means I figured I would find comfort in it and post it for everyone else to enjoy.

BeBe and CeCe Winans- Lost With Out You

Emotional Explosion...

I learned some thing about myself today, that with some people I have a tendency to set myself aside to make them feel comfortable and to hopefully bring them happiness, often times at my own expense. Then to top it off I repress my feelings about things or even sit back quietly when my feelings are dismissed when I do express them and then that stuff festers...

Today I had reached my limit and I let out all that I was feeling, every bit of anger, resentment and hurt that I have incurred with in a particular situation came flowing out. Did it come out in a tactful manner (like I was trying to have it come out)? Nope sure did not. Do I feel bad? Hayle no I don't feel bad. I was stating how I feel in away so the person I stated it too could really have an appreciation for what I have been thinking and feeling for the past 3 months.

Granted in all likelihood they may not take it in the manner I expect for them to but the most important thing is, I got it out and I feel better. Ahhhhhhhhhhh...

I know now that I need to work on a medium between nice and keeping it way to real. I need to realize if the person really cares and loves me then they won't leave or be too too mad because I expressed the way that I felt.

I also realized that there are some people who care enough about others to really try to compromise so both people in the situation get what they want or at least make sure that both the people feel the way they should feel, then there are those who just don't give a damn just as long as everything is their way.

Mhm, life and bullshit, life and bullshit.

Cleaning Is...

Good for the soul and laughter is good for the spirit. I finally got a chance to do both tonight. Cleaning keeps me busy, keeps me moving and it also clears my mind so I can think more clearly. It is just something about focusing on scrubbing, wiping, folding and/or vacuuming that takes me to a serene place. Shoot, I feel so euphoric I might offer to fly to the Chi just to clean over at my girlfriends....sike. LOL! I still love ya Ma!

As I was cleaning I began to think about how my left eye had stopped twitching (which means my stress level was greatly decreasing) and that I was long over due for a fun vacation. My friend offered to let me use his time share and I seriously think I am going to take him up on it. I am going to put in for a few days off, grab a friend, hit the road and do what it do. I am physically, emotionally and mentally tired so it will be nice to go away, have some fun and come back refreshed with a renewed mind.

It feels so good to have a good laugh as well. I have been laughing all evening but it is not that deep down side gut hurting kind of laughter, that is the kind of laughter I need right now. I am waiting for my usual nightly phone call so I can get my laugh on. Folks is running a little behind schedule and they must hurry up because I need some entertainment. LOL!

Hugs and kisses are good too. I used to have a co worker who would always hug me when he saw I was having a bad/stressful day (naw nothing like that). He always seemed to know exactly when I needed a hug. I miss those days... I could really use a huge hug right now.

I had a small victory tonight. My sister was aggravating me yet again and because we were preparing for dinner with the family I refrained from cussing her out. So instead I threatened to knock her out, cut her with a knife and then leave her ass in the hospital (she has a phobia of hospitals) that took care of all of that. Hey! It worked. Shoot, got her to come upstairs, give my daughter a bath and put her to bed...LOL! She knows my other side, my alter ego which I refer to as Shaunel (or as my daughter's father sweetly puts it Shanigga)... yep don't get on my bad side. Just leave me alone and/or walk lightly around me.

ROFL! Rereading that whole paragraph made me laugh... yeah I needed that.

Yeah, yeah, so young, so violent but only when provoked. :)

Emotional Roller Coaster...

I am tired of riding the emotional roller coaster. The consistent (and frequent) ups and downs just give me heartache and leaves me with a strong sense of uncertainty, like things are not good and so unstable.

It is aggravating when men talk big isht yet they don't back up their words with action. They claim they care but can't even show that is how they really feel. I never had a real understanding as to why people act as if one cares or act as if one really wants to be with a person. Ok, I have a few guesses 1) either they are just holding a person there for the sex or for what they feel they can get out of them or, 2) they are holding that person there and still seeking out other potential women to see if anything better comes along. Could be wrong but maybe that is me and my twisted thinking. I suppose when see other wise then I will change my thought process.

All I know is I don't like feeling what I am feeling and I truly don't like the feeling of unhappiness either. I don't like the consistent pattern of things and I never liked roller coasters especially emotional ones. Don't like doing most of the compromising and bending only to feel used in the end.

I continue to wonder why I even still feel what I feel for this person, especially when actions and feelings are not reciprocated. What is the point of putting anything into a situation you are barely going to get anything out of? Mmmm I suppose that was the whole point about the let's just "date" thing so he would not have do all that. It just really feels like everything was faked and the thought, the feeling of that is making me sick to my stomach.

I am really pissed today more so at myself for going against my better judgement and not protecting my heart and feelings from the start. I swear sometimes I feel like I am dealing with a smaller version of... never mind...

It's all good though I get it... I see the big picture rather clearly...

Now or Potential To Be

I am highly upset, rather aggravated this morning and my spirit is vexed so I am going to make it short.

The Minister and I had this debate about two years ago and it recently came up in conversation with my girlfriend.

When you are dating or in a relationship with someone do you accept them for who they are? Or, do you accept them for who can they potentially be? Do you judge them by their current circumstances? Could you accept them on the promises that their current situation will change?

Life, A Spectator Sport

The announcements and good news continue to flow as my girlfriend informed me last night that her and her man finally set a wedding date. I was so over joyed for her that tears came to my eyes for I know that it has been along haul for them the last few years. I really think I was more over joyed and excited than she was. :)

I sat back and thought about the past couple of years of hearing about engagements, marriages, babies on the way, and new beginnings; I began to realize that I have sat back and watched as these peoples lives have unfolded. I have seen the ups and downs...sometimes having to actually get up, help pick some one up during the downs only to go back to my seat and cheer them on to their victory.

One thing I most love is to see the people around me happy or to achieve their goals. But the most exciting part of it all is wondering who will be next??

Congrats and God's many blessings to you all.

I Really Need To...

Stop cussing. Last night I was on the phone having a nice conversation with The Minister and my sister walks into my room, aggravating me. So I slay her with a verbal azz kicking and put her and her foolishness out of my room. After she left I was like, "OH MY GOD! I am soooo sorry! Minister excuse my language". Though the Minister said it was ok I could sense him silently praying for God to deliver me from my cussing. Though we have been friends for a long time (I knew him before he become The Minister) I am still mindful not to cuss around him and I definitely don't drink around him. Needless to say I feel like I seriously violated last night and I need to make more of an effort to stop.

The other thing I need to do and this one is really a biggie (not that cussing is small) but I know I really need to start opening up a little more to my better half. There has been quite a few things going on with me that I know I may eventually have to sit down with him and talk about. Or shall I say a choice that I have to make that I may need to tell him about. There are two issues I am dealing with in regards to this, it is hard for me to open up to people and I have a belief that you cannot and sometimes should not tell your better half every thing, or at least not all at once.

I suppose this is why I am so laxed when it comes to us sharing and opening up. If he opens up to me then he is going to expect the same in return, plus I am not one to pry. I figure if some one wants to talk to me or tell me something then they will come to me and do just that so I don't press it. I am real easy going, I don't bite and I don't get violently upset. I just sit and listen and only speak on it if asked to... not every one is like that. I should say I try not to judge and for the most part I am good at not judging because folks are grown, they do what they do and so do I.

Once again, every one is not like that and in my world it kind of hurts to open up to someone and then you are met with something other than genuine understanding and support. Or, my being accused of being drama filled when in reality it is just life, which sometimes happens all at once. Not to say that is how he is but I have not really put myself out there like that with him to find out... well I kind of take that back there was one incident that happened to where I have been made to feel as though I can't really share certain things with him, so I guess that is issue number three.

I suppose I will do the usual, put it out there and then brace myself for the response.

I also need to stop procrastinating. Sometimes I can be a big procrastinator. I continuously tell myself I am going to get to it, I am going to do it and then I find myself either not doing what needs to be done or I am scrambling at the last minute trying to get thing done. This is like when I was taking English, I would write my papers an hour before class. I got excellent grades no doubt but the pressure was just a tad bit to much for me.

Right now at this moment I need to go do some work because I did not get much of that done yesterday.

I know I have a lot to work on/do but despite all of that I am just glad my life is back to its quiet state.

The Tides Are Turning...

Outside of the sound from my typing I am sitting in sheer silence. I am in what I am hoping to be a permanent state of peace. I am not sure what it was about yesterday but quite a few small little things happened to let me know that the tides are beginning to turn and things are going to start getting better from here. The fact that right now my life is quiet, exactly how I like for it to be and hopefully this is how it will stay.

I can't type anything else for I need to just sit and relish this moment.

Lady In The Mid Day

Here it is another Monday and I am so thankful the day is almost over. Not that I was real busy or had a butt load of work to do. I squandered most of my day walking around the office socializing.

I actually wanted to talk to people... I suppose good lovin will put you in that kind of mood. That happy, go luck mood where you walk with a smile, have a lil pep in your step with no worries or cares in the world...yeah, that was me today. Shoot, top all that with no candidate's calling me about their drug test, informing me they "can't pee no mo" and I shall label my day a good day.


Anyway, I sat down with my co worker/friend today and we had a lil "talk", just about life, relationships etc;

It is nice to talk to someone that is going to look at all sides of a situation and give their assessment with out bias. When we tell people the things they want to hear it does not help them in the slightest but it stunts their personal growth. Having people around me that tell it to me straight is something that I have always been thankful for. I have progressed a lot with in the last 4 years and being surrounded by people like that has played a large role in the progress I have made.

Through out our conversation I learned some thing about myself and he told me that there was something that I am doing that I need to stop doing. I agree but how do you stop an automatic defense mechanism that pops up at the hint of heartache being near? I mean that is serious it is almost like fight or flight...lol... I suppose it is something that I need to work on with in me.

One thing I can say for my friend is that his delivery is so gentle even when he is telling me I am wrong or if it is one of those moments where I clearing need to be gripped up and shaken like a rag doll.

There is hope... I realized today that I am not as hardened or as jaded as I thought I was. I suppose I can relax just a little bit more.

Just Got So Much On My Mind...

Saturday I was out at the National Mall with the children and as we were walking along I saw a couple stretched out on a bench, cuddling one another, taking pictures of themselves and just simply being playful. Usually I would grumble something like, "get a fuckin room" but the guy looked some what like my ex husband and I began to have flashbacks of times when he and I were, happy and very much in love. It was not one of those I wish we were still together memories, that ship has sailed, crashed and sunk. It was more of remembering the feeling that came along with being loved with the same fury that you love that other person. I walked away thankful that I have had that experience, I know what it feels like to not only love but be loved.

One thing I am trying and learning to do now is savor and cherish the feelings, the moments and hold them not only in my memory bank but in my heart. One thing I promised myself was that if God ever allowed for me to have that love experience again, that I would greatly cherish, love and appreciate it and that person for the rest of my days...

Maybe I am romanticizing but I always thought that the person I am meant to be with would not ask if he could take his seat on the throne beside me but he would ease up on me and take his place, leaving me wondering, what? Dude where you come from? Oh and yeah, thanks for letting it be known that you are here, your place is next to me and we just going to do this. We stuck Babe, we stuck...LOL! I am having a serious blond day today so I am scratching my head wondering if that is exactly what happened this morning (ok, I was a lil shook too). Did my better half take his place and silently let me know? Or, has he been there all along but I never really took notice and basically reminded my ass he is there? He is not one to patronize, so I seriously doubt he was trying to pacify me, none the less I am slowly beginning to see things through a fresh pair of eyes.

I suppose when one is trying their hardest to avoid being hurt they tend to over look what is standing right in front of them. I must try to remember that love itself does not hurt, it is the person that says that they love who hurts you through what ever hurtful things they do. All in all it takes a great deal of trust. If I say that I trusted completely I would be lying but I am slowly getting to a point where my trust does not waiver.

As I mentioned above I am really having a serious blond day. I think that is a Gemini thing more than hormonal. In the midst of a blond day I process things slower (or they go over my head), my attention span is a ZERO and my memory is shot. Like the time I left the oven on for two days straight with out knowing. I was walking around my apartment wondering why the hell it was entirely to hot. For people who know me if I say I am hot then there is something seriously wrong. It was not until I went to go bake some chicken that I realized that I left the oven on for two day... those blond days are the worst days and some times they can be dangerous days. I was told that I pause before I do things well check me out on a blond day, not only will I pause but I will get seriously stuck on pause. I will be sitting there trying to figure out what the hell I was about to do, then when/ IF I remember exactly what that task was I will need another minute to do my regular pause before I get to it.

On a lighter side...

I have a fascination with volcanoes and earthquakes (pissed that I missed Dante's Peak, again). Why? I have no clue. I do know I love natural disaster movies, vampire movies (obsessed with them), werewolves movies and movies dealing with the supernatural. I get so into those movies it is like I am in a trance. I was watching Dracula the other night as I was on the phone talking to my girlfriend and thoroughly so into the movie that I had to make commentary. Yes, I sounded real crazy but my girlfriend needed to see how gangsta Dracula really was in that movie. Dracula is a mac for real. I do not know of any man that can hypnotize a women with his eyes, his charm and let him bite her on the neck; only to be running around crazy, entranced in him and hungry for blood. Then the chic is saved by the man she left for Dracula... well once you turn vampire you never go back and dude should have let her leave with Dracula. Shoot, can't turn a vampire into no house wife... see? I am entirely to into it.

I really think I have to much time on my hands sometimes...

T.G.I.F!

I am trying not to let anyone ruin the joy that I have for it being Friday but this lady aggravated me this morning . See, I take this back road to Lil Bit's daycare every day and there is this lady who drives a Honda Accord recklessly up and down the road. Yesterday as I was backing out she flew into the daycare parking lot like she did not see me backing out. Ok, heffa I am in this big arse blue truck and you clearly see I am backing up about to hit your dumb butt.

Now my first thought usually is, I have insurance, very good insurance let me hit this b*tch one good time, give her my insurance info and go on about my merry way. Then my second thought was to get out of my truck, drag her out of her car by her hair and proceed to whip that azz, but I had to repress my feelings of anger and rage as that would not have been setting a good example (along with potentially injuring Lil Bit and myself) for my child (A.K.A Tyson) who was sitting in the back seat, nor would my getting arrested for assault be good either so I dropped it.

So, this morning I am leaving the daycare and who do I see swerving on this very narrow and curvy road? Yep, that crazy azz, non driving heffa. She saw me coming and promptly pulled over so I could pass her. God is good for he knows his child, thus making people who are asking to get beat do the appropriate thing so they can avoid my being in a situation I don't need to be in. Thank you Jesus!

Anyway...

My day has been turned around. I came in this morning and my Line Sister asked me to proof read her grad school essays. As I sat and read through her essays I began to see how she has had great progress with in her professional life, considering not to long ago she made a drastic career change. I found a lot of inspiration in it thus bringing me to the point of rededicating myself to somethings that I have placed on the back burner career wise. I don't mind doing things for other people and I often do things with out any expectations of receiving anything in return; so to receive the gift of inspiration out of doing a favor was a good feeling and it made my day.

Now that I am in better spirits I am ready to enter into a weekend filled with children, friends, dinner, eventually adult conversation and adult activities then back to more children activities and everything that comes with them.

Patiently waiting for a quiet weekend.