Leaving Behind in 2010...

I have started drinking real early so I hope it all makes sense. One of my girlfriends posted a question on our group board, "What are you leaving behind in 2010?" Honestly I could not really answer that question at the time it was posed but considering the after Christmas drama I experienced; finding out my now ex was seeing someone else, subsequently beating his ass and throwing him out my house in the wee hours of the morning, I figure I would not be taking a relationship based on lies into the next year with me. Now I am working hard not to take the hurt, pain and disappointment (dare I say bruised ego)that comes with it into 2011 with me either.

My depression...usually when the holidays come I tend to fall into a mild depression and don't feel as if I am in the holiday spirit. Part of it is because everything slows down around this time of year, people's personalities and dispositions change drastically (for the worse), the fact that I am alone (don't have a man)is even more evident than any other time of the year (outside of Valentine's Day) and I spend most of the season trying to figure out how I am going to pay bills and give my kids a Christmas. This year I experienced the WORST bout of depression of my life...I can honestly say I tried fighting it hard by talking to people I enjoy talking to and doing things I overall enjoy like cooking, baking, and cleaning. Some days performing those activities seemed to work (took a lot of energy but I did it) and other days I found myself crying and praying to God to help me make it through the night.Usually my depression will last until the end of January or February, but I am fighting it...I don't want to carry this darkness into the new year.

It has been suggested that I go see someone but I have been on antidepressants before and I am literally a zombie. I have seen a therapist and quite frankly all you do is talk, talk, and talk about the same stuff to the point where I get sick of hearing myself talk so those avenues I chose not to take this time around. Though I am holding onto my faith in God by a string, I know it is by his grace and mercy that has brought me through and for that I am thankful.

As I sit and reflect on 2010 I realized I have learned a lot about myself and life in general; those lessons I take with me in 2011. I also realized that there are some things about me that I need to work on and I need to push myself to grow further as a person.

Anyway...enough of that negativity....

I made a new vision board for the new year but this time I decided not to have an electronic (PowerPoint) vision board. I decided to do things the old fashion way and cut pictures and words out of a magazine and glue them on to poster board and keep it in my bed room where I can see it. I can say I felt a warmth inside as I put it together and as I lay in my bed starring at the fruits of my labor I feel hopeful and positive about 2011 being a good year. I feel more certain about my goals and overall more focused.

I am not going to promise a consistent update of this blog because I am not for certain I will be able to keep it but I will most certainly try to post more entries. As I begin to change the content of my posts will change. You will hear more of my opinions about alllll the shit that happens around me opposed to what happened and how I reacted to it.

Ok folks I am one more sip away from drunk so I will end this and see you all in the new year. Happy New Year! You all be safe!

Lascivious...

Tech told me his friend asked him to describe me in one word and he said, "lascivious". Lascivious? Really? NOT.NOT and NOT. He needs to get his hormones and mentals in check because I am not lewd nor am I lustful. I am real and I can't help that I say what is on my mind at any given moment. Lascivious my ass...

Anyway that is not what I really wanted to write about, I said something about it in attempts to be a sarcastic smart ass. I really wanted to write about my day and stuff that happens in the office that really gets underneath my skin. For instance, this afternoon I got on the elevator with two women and a man; they apparently knew each other as they began to exchange greetings and small talk. Well the guy got lucky because we had gotten to his floor, the two remained women standing there in awkward silence. You can hear them searching their brains for conversation to have.

Just as the elevator stopped on Lady 1's floor Lady 2 suddenly asks the other has she seen some movie called, Red. At this point I was irritated with these heffas. Why? Because the elevator stopped on Lady 1's floor just as Lady 2 struck up conversation so Lady 1 proceeds to hold the elevator doors to carry on a meaningless and some what forced conversation. So not only did the heffas subject me to this mess they were holding me up.

Once Lady 1 noticed I was getting antsy she finally got her ass out the way so we could go. Picture this... as the elevator doors close slowly Lady 2 turns to me and smiles as if she is about to torture me with meaningless, endless small talk. But glory be to GOD! It was my turn to get off. I turned to a disappointed looking Lady 2, wished her a good day and got the hell out of dodge. Reason #1 why I hate riding elevators with others. Unless I know you and have a good rapport with you don't say anything more than hello and have a nice day.

Even though the possibility of mess like this happing is high I am never really prepared for it and I don't even know why. I should be prepared for such things or maybe in certain instances I should think WWRD (What Would Rashad Do), I wonder if I carried that with me I can react more appropriately and effectively in these situations. Hmmmm that is something to consider. With that I am going to get my "lascivious" ass off of here and possibly go find some "lascivious" things to do. Night all! *mumbling lascivious...nigga what?!*

Wine...

Wine is such a splendid thing to have after a long and hard day. It is also a good tool for lowering inhibitions and saying or writing the things that need to be written in a blog entry. LOL! I just needed a little boost to help me to stop procrastinating on writing this; not because deep down inside I know what I am about to write is hog wash or using it as a defense mechanism it is because what I am about to write for the most part is true. Some times writing a truth out is the same thing as saying it out loud; the act of writing/speaking the truth makes it real and you can't ignore the things that are real. Now can I?

Anyway, A few months ago I had hit an ex up just to see how he was doing and I revealed in that conversation that I almost got married this past summer but had to let the relationship go. Granted he did not know the ins and outs of my relationship with this man but as always his ass felt the need to psychoanalyze me (I hate when he does that) and basically told me to admit that I like being alone. Ok, well yes there is a very large part of me that likes being alone and has no issue with it. There is a part of me that for some reason chooses to be alone opposed to take a risk and endure what ever comes with a romantic relationship or getting into a romantic relationship.

In looking at my track record over the last few years I have decided to stop trying (dating, romancing, relationships etc;) all together. For the most part I can say I have been put Love out on the streets and this time I am turning off the open sign, boarding up the windows and putting the closed sign on the door. Granted those of you who know that I have a lot going on and I have recently gone through a traumatic and painful experience the past month may say, don't throw the baby out with the bath water or don't give up so easily but I am here to say I am done.

I for one have never been cut out for dating and a person can only take so much of crazy, indecisive, selfish,immature, want you but not ready and don't know what they wants flowing in and out of my life. I don't have the energy for it any more especially when my time and energy is needed else where. I would say just give me some and go home but at this point I don't even want that.

I always felt that it would take a person who was persistent, strategic and patient to sneak up on me and sweep me off my feet...I don't think just a sophisticated man exists...or is up for the challenge...especially to handle me. ;-) LOL! Hey what can I say? I am more than a handful at times.

Ok, enough of this love stuff. It is officially out of my mind space. Can I say I LOVE iTunes? My friend gave me a Trey Songz mixed tape CD, my favorite CD! It is so sexy, however it was not to sexy when the CD got scratched, began to fade and skipped horribly. I cried ya hear, cried when I could not to get it to play right. I asked my friend if he could bring me another one, he came into the office to visit me today and guess what? Yeah that azz forgot my CD (still love him though). Since I listen to my iPod in the car I figured I would just see what would happen if I uploaded the CD to iTunes and loaded it onto my iPod. Eureka!!!!!! It plays nicely, crystal clear no skips. *drawing up a sign and pulling back my weave and screaming Trigger he's back* I am going to be int he car GETTIN IT tomorrow! LOL! Night folks!

Hope...

Hope is such a funny thing. Hope keeps you believing, it keeps you optimistic and often time it keeps you in a place of instability and unable to let go when the obvious is in your face. Why not let go when you know you have an inkling you are on a path to no where? Because that hope you hold onto so tightly that propels you further and further in driven by you optimism that it will all be ok, that it will all work out.

Ok, so you all my be wondering what the hell is wrong with her? She is gone for well over a month and comes back with some despairing and borderline depressing isht, well let's just say I read a few of my old entries and I look at where my life is now and I am seeing where having hope can get you some times (in the wrong things and people). I suppose next time in all things I will carry hope with me but truly look at the reality of it all.

None the less I am putting the "closed sign on the door" I will explain that phrase later for those of you who aren't quite familiar with it. It has been a blog entry that is long over due. The topic you put into the you know it's true but just don't want to admit it category.

Anyway, I am out. You all keep it blessed.

Lipstick Kids

I remember when I was Lil bit's age having been dropped off at pre school with my other little friends I would watch how their mothers would give them a kiss on their forehead or cheek leaving traces of their lip stick. I saw how it brightened their day as they bounced into class silently showing off their mothers' token of affection.

I remember so desperately wanting my mom to do the same. I remember begging for kisses and being so happy when she would occasionally humor my little 4 year old request. What ever feeling was behind her kiss didn't matter I got what I wanted; the ability to show off like everyone else. LOL!

Within the last few months I have been wearing make up regularly (though I always wear lip gloss). A month ago I kissed Lil bit who at the time was rather reluctant on staying at school. When she realized that my lip stick left a mark on her face she beamed with joy and started silently boasting about her Mommy's "morning kiss" as she calls is. Since then it has become a morning ritual and I can see the other little kids eye balling here as she runs to the mirror in the bathroom just to make sure I left a token of my affection on her face.

Now as a child I did not go to that extreme and even as an adult it is extreme but as I step outside of myself as a parent/adult I see how my children react to the smallest of things and it often amazes me the impact it has on them. I often wonder what their fondest memories will be when they grow up; will it be the big things? Or, will be the little things? Not quite sure and I suspect I have some time before I find out but one thing I definitely do know is that my kids are happy that I have made them a part of the secret Lipstick Kids (that is what I called them at that age) club and they love it.

I will be writing about product reviews in my next entry...I have become addicted to some stuff.

Growing Old Gracefully....

Is something that I always thought I would do until I found a long strand of grey hair in my head a few weeks ago. I felt the panic rise up in me and I had to bring myself back down to Earth before I raided the beauty store for every bit of hair color they had.

Though I know where there is one grey hair there are many more hiding or to follow I still need to face reality that it is a part of the process. Momma spoke of times such as these but what momma failed to speak on were the excessive hairs that show up in places they should not nor never be on a female that I would have to be sure to stay on top of, nor did she speak of the growing inability to stay up past 11PM period and she did not mention that slight achy feeling that creeps up into my bones on those rainy days.

Don't get me wrong I am excited about being over 30 and growing older and wiser but I think I romanticized a portion of opening the door to 30+. When I opened that door I did not realize that the things that come with getting older would sneak in and attack me like a thief in the night. I suppose there is a good and a bad that goes with everything. I am not going to fight the growing old process but I am going to ease some of the aches and pains that come with it by exercising my body and mind more than I normally do.

Hopefully the achy mornings will soon disappear, my energy level will come up a few notches and I won't be so surprised by what may come for me next in the name of getting older.

In being whimsical, I know when I am getting older, no I mean distinguished/seasoned when:

*Hip-hop irritates my spirit(what are these young kids talking about) and the smooth sounds of old school R&B become a preference because it soothes my soul (The Temptations...in heavy rotation for LIFE!).

*When I find myself saying, "these young girls here these days","these new parents have not a clue",and "Huh? I can't hear you? Say that again? Speak up?!?".

*When I have to ask don't have some place nice and quiet because it is too noisy in there.

*When shutting down the club, going to IHOP then running home for 2 hours of sleep and going to church is no longer an option much less a thought.

*When you no longer care what any one else thinks and you start to say what ever is on your mind; that's priceless and comical.

*When cotton briefs (and an occasional boy short) become the preference over those cute LITTLE Victoria Secret lacy, satiny, frilly like panties, thongs, g-string what ever the preference used to be.

*When twenty somethings flock to you like bees to honey and the prospect of joining Cougar Town exclusively lingers over your head like a storm cloud.

*Have to ask who the hell is Justin Beber(sp.) and he is important because?

*When I actually look forward to hearing the President speak (y'all know he is long winded).

*Oh and most importantly, when you have a thorough appreciation of everything in life and the people that are in this life with you.

Yeah, ok, I'm seasoned. *Kanye shrug*

Similac

Tonight I have been reduced to blogging via my phone because good ole Comcast is having an outage. As I sit here in silence my Direct TV having neighbors are sitting back and watching our country's Commander and Chief talk about how our young men and women will train their Iraqi counter parts on how to protect and serve their homeland putting an end to a decade long war. I consistently pray about the state the country will be in when they return...to many people very little jobs...

Any way that is not what brought me to blog tonight. Pondering a situation is what is bringing me to a point of written expression.

There is this security guard at my job, which my mentor has given the nickname Young Gunz. Young Gunz has been feeling me for months now and when he asked me for my number I graciously declined because he is 10 years younger than I am, I have children, responsibilities and want a whole slew of other things that some one of his age just really is not ready to give. Today something happened and YG stepped his pursuit up a few notches. He called me to discuss the fact that early that afternoon I actually spoke more than two words to him. I found him to be a very smart, witty and intriguing young man...he is also persistent. He called me four times the second was just asking for a chance, third was to inform me that it may not be today, tomorrow or next week but I will give him my number and allow for him to take me on a date and the fourth was to tell me Mariah Carey doesn't have a problem with it. LOL! I have to give it to him he is funny and really sharp, a little to sharp.

Yet and still I don't know what to do. As my girlfriend pointed out I have dated younger dudes for most of my life with the exception of a few but look at the record though. It didn't work and if I just wanted sex then I could see this being a match made in heaven; but I am older, more settled and really looking to have something real and meaningful with someone I have a lot in common with (not to say YG and I have nothing in common). I don't know why I am even pondering this. It is not like twiddling my thumbs and being alone while I continue to wait for an ideal to come along is something I am not used to doing...I suppose if I have to I can do it a little longer. *Sigh* Honestly though it is getting rather old and I don't think I want to continue with the waiting. I swear if this was a Dear Abby letter I would sign it, Yours Truly- Curious and Conflicted.

I Did IT!

The month of August has been such a long and busy month. I finally moved about two weeks ago. I have been working hard to get my things unpacked and settled. I thought I would not have a hard time adjusting to living on my own but I realize that it is going to take a while for me to get used to my new environment.

My first night in my new home I took a bold step and cut my hair off. I remember co washing in the shower and drying my hair afterward preparing to twist it so it could dry over night. I stood at the bathroom mirror just starring at my hair, not really wanting to twist it or do anything to it except for put some leave in conditioner in it and go to bed. Then I wondered what it all looked like underneath and thought it would not hurt at all to snip a few pieces from the front, after all if I did not like what I saw then I could always cover it up with a twisted style and one of my big head bands.

The best laid plans don't always pan out how you plan for them too. Needless to say once I cut that first piece I kept on cutting more and more until the only thing left were a few inches of naturally curly hair. I suppose I did what my heart really desired as I had been wanting to big chop for about a week by that point. I was so ready to deal with what was awaiting me underneath all that processed hair. It turned out to be slightly uneven so I ended up going to the Hair Cuttery to have it evened up. Most everyone that I came in contact with seemed to like the new look and I have gotten some suggestions to keep it short like this but I won't. I am excited for my hair to start growing out and to be able to wear twists, my natural curls and twisted updos...the possibilities excite me.

I found it rather funny how some people don't understand the whole process of going from relaxed to natural (or going natural period). I know it may seem that every one is doing it across the country but every one has their own personal reasons for doing it and for what ever reason that is it should be respected. It is funny how most of us have been trained to become reliant on chemical straitening, which is fine if that is what you prefer but come on folks don't push the creamy crack on others like you a damn crack dealer losing your profits because folks are deciding to go to rehab ( it has recently been reported that relaxer sales are down). LOL!


Anyway...For some reason I truly feel as though I have walked into a weird season that is bringing about a lot of major life changes for me. I feel as though I am coming into my own, being more of myself and doing more of the things that I want to do and not really being too concerned with the opinions of others (not that I was concerned in the first place).

My friend, Cylia posted a quote of her blog, "If you have accomplished all that you have planned for yourself, you have not planned enough.-Meddigo Message" and it really struck a cord with me. I have accomplished so many things over the last two years that I have been feeling a little lost as if I have entirely too much time on my hands but nothing really productive to do with it. It seems as though I sit down to plan additional things I would like to accomplish I completely draw a blank. But I know, that I know that I know that I have not planned enough and some times I feel as though I am wasting precious time. Maybe I need to have God order my steps on this one...

Have blessed day folks.

What Do Men Really Think?

Teach and I were talking a few weeks ago and I was all up in the video cam trying to fix my hair and he was like, "ok what gives? Your hair is fine." I then revealed to him that I was going natural, I was not yet comfortable with the transition piece of it and I wanted to make sure my hair looked nice. This sparked a conversation about his preference for women with natural hair and how he likes natural hair better. Now, it is not that I wrote him off or any thing...ok so I did think he was trying to make me feel better and comfortable with the whole process. Buuut I am beginning to think not so much.

Early this afternoon one of our techs came down stairs to visit my group (everyone LOVES HR)and when he saw me he went straight for my hair. He started playing in my curls. I was like ok, I know we are cool like that but ummm really lay off the curls. This lead to a conversation about a man's preference of how women wear their hair. His stance was most men like women with unprocessed hair because they can play in it with out having to hear complaints of messing the hair up. He said that he got into a debate on some forum about the subject and the women seem to think that men like hair weaves, long straight and silky relaxer hair, but him and some of his boys are like negative.

I can honestly say that the men I have dated loved that my hair was long, it was thick and it was straight...hell they were just happy that my hair was real. I had an ex that used to get upset when I cut or colored my hair...so I cut it and colored it more. LOL! Anyway, I ask the men out in the world, how do you like for a woman's hair to be? Natural? Relaxed? Weave? What's your pleasure?

The Haps!

There has been plenty going on with me for the last few weeks and I have so many blog entries to write but I just really have not felt like it. Does that ever happen to you? You have something to write but don't really feel like writing it? Ok anyway, I am moving this week. I am some what excited but for the most part I am anxious to get it done already. I hate being in a state of limbo when it comes to the major things in life (home, finance, relationship and health) but I suppose I can hold on for a day or two.

I can say that looking back over my life I am in a state of pure happiness and really feeling like I am coming into my true self. I am not sure if it is personal growth or old age but I am finding that I grow more and more less phased by the little things and some big things in life; which has left me feeling foot loose and fancy free.

Speaking of free, I am leaning more towards cutting the relaxer out of my hair with each passing day ( I have about 3 inches of new growth). I think I have come up on the island of I don't care and I am about to make a spot on I will deal with what lies underneath cove.:)We will see what the results are after my meeting with my line sister (who is a hair stylist) on Thursday. Job promotion, new home, new do??? Sounds good to me.


Moving along...

I called myself going on a Face Book fast until after I moved. I felt it would free up more time to pray, reflect and really seek after God; I have been doing all that for the most part.I have also stopped doing a few other things that usurp a lot of time as well. What I learned from all of this so far is, I have PLENTY of down time at work. LOL! I think it also fueled the fire that is my You Tube addiction. I have been spending more time than usual on You Tube looking at natural hair care and make up tutorials, along with playing with my hair (my hair is new to me). But no lie I do miss Face Book. I miss it! The first two days were horrible I was literally at my desk shaking from withdrawal and I HAD to pray just to make it through the day and the night. In writing this I am like OMG how can something so simple as Face Book become such an addiction?? It's the games... those games will hook and sink you.

Tech...he and I have been talking as often as we can considering the time difference (he's in the Netherlands now) he guaranteed me that he was coming home next month and has actually began the process of looking for an apartment. Even though it feels like the "process" has been placed on hold for us, I am thankful that things have gone the way they did. I kind of feel that if he were here all this time then I would not be as focused on the things that I need to focus on for trying to put my time and energy in developing something with him. With him being over seas I have been in a totally different mind set, along with us having to communicate via Skype whenever we can so I guess that has put me in a good place. Tech on the other hand...I get the impression that he is full throttle and ready to see if this is going to work out between us...poor thing can't wait to get home. :-) LOL! None the less this period has been good for us because we have been able to really get to know how the other really is (some what) with out the pressure and label that comes with dating and being in a relationship.


Ok, I will be back with more entries. I have a few products to talk about and I have an interesting discussion topic so stay tuned.

Tired and Frustrated (Hair Rant)

Ok, I know I have neglected the blog but I have had a lot of things to do in regards to my move next week (like packing and organizing)that I have not really given a thought to the blog.

But I am getting tired of my hair and this whole transition period. My transitional styles do not come out right because my relaxed hair is equivalent to pony hair at this point and it is racking my nerves. I so want to just cut it all off but I am afraid of what lies underneath and I am afraid of not having many styling options.

I am not craving or itching to relax my hair I just don't want to deal with two textures any more....just ugh! My sister keeps on trying to urge me to wait a few more months before I cut it all off but I don't think I can. Is my impatience rearing it's ugly head or am I really to the point where I am ready to cut it all off??? I hate this!

Hair and Skin (Product Reviews)

I'm mad. I think I am partly mad at myself and partly mad at Johnson & Johnson for making a boot leg product. I am talking about their Clean and Clear 3 in 1 foaming facial wash and their Deep Cleaning Astringent. At this moment I have a rash on my face from it. As soon as I smelled how fragrant it was I immediately knew that nothing good was going to come of it but I kept up hope. After all it was not going to be an on going thing as I was going to eventually go to Macy's and purchase the Clinque Acne Solutions products (the foundation is great) that I love so much and that work so well on my skin (all thumbs up on this one the). Ok back to bootleg clean and clear (so bootleg I did not properly write the name), so not only was the product to fragrant it did not foam like a foaming face wash should and the astringent is entirely too strong. They do have sensitive formula but I don't even want to risk it. Thank God it is pay day this past Friday and I was able to high tail it over to Macy's to get my stuff; now all is right in my world (will be once this painful rash goes away). Since I don't like wasting money I will use the supposed foaming facial wash to wash the foundation off of my hands after I apply it to my face (apply foundations with my hands is better than using a sponge).

I have been sampling two different hair products; coconut oil and Oyin Handmade whipped pudding. I LOVED the coconut oil, it was not heavy on my hair but it also moisturized it as well. Oyin Handmade was rather good. I can't say I used it all over my head but I used it on one portion of my hair and it seemed to have had good control over the frizz in the section that I had placed it on I like it, thus far.

I have not had any kind of chemical treatment for going on 4 months and I kind of feel myself approaching the point to where I want to just cut all the relaxer out of my hair (aka the big chop). I think I am going to give it another couple of months before I do that because I am scared. I have zero clue what my hair is going to be like or how it is going to act after I cut the length off. Yeah, I know it is just hair and it will grow back but it is a different texture of hair that I will be learning how to work with and what I don't want to happen is for me to cut it all off and then I won't be able to do much of anything with it. I don't want it to enter into the Bush Wick Bill or Sheep's behind looking territory (that is my biggest fear).

Hmmmmmm I don't know maybe I will do something impulsive and just do it and deal with it accordingly. After all there are wigs and weaves and luck would have it that one of my girlfriend's is going back home to India in a few weeks and she is going to cop me some weave while she is over there (cross fingers). Hey, I am not perfect and I will always have a back up option.

Mean Girls

First I'd like to thank Rashad for the link he sent to me. She was really informative and helpful and the link further aided me in my You Tube addiction. Just pray for me people.

Well I would say that I am going to do a blog specifically to chronical my journey to natural hairdom (nappural I thin they call it) but I am not. I will lightly season this blog with the subject here and there. After all this blog is supposed to be about all the whimsical things and experiences that happen within my life and I suppose this is an experience. Plus I have known people to chronicle their hair journey and it seemed more like a big proclamation, like they are the first person in the whole wide world to stand up and say, "STOP! NO MORE CHEMICALS!" when in reality they aren't and to me it is not that big of a deal. I am not going to proclaim it I am just going to do it and know that I am doing it to have healthier, better hair (my edges are growing back in yeahhhh).


Moving on...

With every journey I start I have a period of reflection to the things that have brought me to the point to where I decided to make a change. During my reflection I came across a memory from junior high school. There was this girl in my class who was African and her hair was natural, never, ever in her life had a perm. It was of course noticeable but no one ever spoke on it until we were in the locker room changing clothes for third period PE class. One of my class mates rolled up to ole girl and told her that she needed a relaxer. Africa was resistant to it (more so her mom was like no) but collectively one by one we began to gang up on her and get into her thoughts and subsequently made her self conscious by taunting her about the unrelaxed state of her hair. Some people called her nappy (back then it was embarrassing to be called nappy) and others just straight out told her she should just go ahead and get the damn relaxer so the rest of us would shut up... I remember one dude rolled up to her and said, "Your hair is nappy just get the relaxer". *face in hands*

A few weeks later what do you know, ole girl went and got herself a boxed perm and slapped it in her head and came to school with as my girlfriend would say looking like she got her butter whipped. Everyone was like oh you are so cute and your hair looks so nice (she looked nice already) etc; but over the years I could see for myself why they called it the "creamy crack" because if it was time for a touch up this chick would freak out. It was like she had the touch up date and time marked on the calender and any time after that would be catastrophic....

Wow, ain't peer pressure a bytch but seriously as a 33 year old woman looking back on this I can say I feel some sort of shame (yeah I was in on the taunting). I mean how dare we as teenagers have the say on what is beautiful and what wasn't? How dare we pressure this girl to change who she was and was fine with being? In some ways I kind of feel like we set her on the same path that our mother's/granmother's/hairdressers set us on when they decided to put relaxers in our hair, only for a few of us to come back around and be like ok chuck this we are going back to basics. Some times I often wonder what her hair is like now. I know if we ever come face to face and if she is sporting patches, a receding hairline, hair thinning and/or baldness I am going to just be sick over it. You hear me? Simply sick! LOL!


This memory reminded me of when I went to the Dominican salon for a "sexy blow out" and the stylist was acting like she could not get my hair straight for anything. She kept on blowing it out and flat ironing it and telling me that I needed a texturizer and that the heat would boil my hair. I figured what could the texturizer really hurt after all it was just a mild perm, take a little of the curl out. Well the choice to do that was all shame on me. Why? I went to cosmetology school; for three years hair, skin and nails was my life and to this day I still retain this information. In my still carrying this information around with me I allowed for these chicks to taunt me into doing something I knew I really did not want to do and should not have done. I guess my best excuse right now is that I was trained to work with straight and processed hair. In my years of training we learned about unprocessed hair but we never took the time to work with it nor learn how to handle it. Yep, that explanation will do.

Any way, I went home yesterday fit to be tied because my hair was so crispy that all I heard was snap, crackle and pop at every turn. I was on a natural hair care forum and some one suggested Cantu leave in conditioner Creme. I picked the conditioner up and tried my routine all over again and it worked. I liked the results and I think I will stick with what I am doing until I get to point where I want to cut my hair.


I will probably write another blog tonight about some funny isht that happened to me, provided I can remember it by the time I get home. Until then you all have a very blessed evening. MUAH!

Au Naturale...

So I decided a few months ago that no matter what I do or how I feel, I would stop relaxing my hair. So when I first started this journey of growing the relaxer out I figured I could just get a texturizer so my hair can be more manageable, negative. I hate the damn texturizer and I just need to go cold turkey on this one. So I am sucking it up and trying different transitional styles a long the way.

Slight confession, I saw a woman at my job with a low cut and a fade on the sides. It cross my mind for all of 5 minutes to have my head shaved off and rock a fade but I remembered the large dent I have on the back of my head, I remembered that I like having long hair and just figured it would be an all around no.

Ok, moving on...

So I have tried co washing tonight with Suave Humectant conditioner/sealed with olive oil- two thumbs up, tried herbal essence totally twisted gel- two thumbs down, two strand twist set on spiral rods- two thumbs up.

Real quick, the conditioner was great, the style is cute but the gel is horrible left my hair crispy and crunchy. I hope it looks cute in the morning and not matted that way I can make it through the work day and come home to do it all over again and hopefully I can get it right. So to add insult to injury I used a QP Ice, Paul Mitchell skinny serum and some Natural oasis. Sooooo not only do I have crunchy crispy hair it is a smide on the oily side. FML.


Ok so I am going to stop complaining. I will do it over and over again until I get it right. I will be utilizing this style for a while because I like it just that much. So if any one has any product recommendation please drop it in the comment box. Thanks a million and good night.

Parental Woes...

There is something that automatically triggers in a parent from the time you find out your bundle of joy will be arrive. Everything changes and you slowly begin to prepare for you baby to arrive. You do everything you think you should do, what your doctor tells you to do and avoid the things you aren't supposed to do in hopes that your baby will come out with a good spirit and health that will follow them all through their life.

I can say when Lil Bit was born she screamed for hours (until they let me hold her), she had ten fingers, ten toes and eyes the color of Caribbean ocean water; she was perfect. She was most quiet as a baby, so quiet that people would even question if I had a baby but something changed after the age of two. It was not real noticeable until she got to daycare and had to socialize with other children that she was entirely too hyper and emotional but hey, she was two. Hyper and emotional is part of the day to day life of a two year old.

Fast forward to age four and I am scrambling around trying to prepare this four year old who is still displaying characteristics of a two year old for kindergarten. I am beginning to feel the frustration seep in as I am dealing with medical and behavioral specialists that have no clue and or no inclination to assist me in trying to make sure she is well. In this past year alone I have been bounced from specialist to specialist and finally the school got involved again. The school went out and found a suitable behavioral specialist that seems to be passionate about her job and most importantly dedicated to helping Lil Bit. Though I have her in place I still need the support of her doctor's which for the most part has been lacking. I just don't understand how so many medical professionals can say, " I won't do", "don't do" and "I can't do".

So right now I am spending my evening looking for a child psychologist that will administer a simple but expensive test that will hopefully put us one step closer to finding strategies that will help her develop the skills that she needs to develop in order to survive in the school system. I just have to pray that this too shall pass...


As I sat and looked at Lil Bit sleeping tonight I began to wonder when will I know if all this paid off? When she successfully graduates high school or college? When she functions well within a career and relationships? When she gets married and has children of her own? I don't ask for the purpose of having satisfaction that as a mother I did a good job raising her. I just want to make sure that though it all she is happy, especially in the end. I hate trying to figure out if her Dad not being around or her not having a Dad in her life at all is having an adverse effect on her or feeling the torment she is feeling when she apologizes for an out burst and tells me that she is trying really hard not to act like she does.

I know when parenting children there are going to be many challenges, I had challenges with my older two but I never expected this. Before my children were even formed in my womb God gave me a visions for how their lives were to be. He most certainly gave me no warning as to what I was going to have to endure getting them there....just frustrated.

Moving On...

I guess the sun, moon and stars had aligned to bring Prodigal and I back together for one last meeting. No, not like that we just had lunch. I can honestly say seeing him made my day for I know part of me would be mad if he let this thing between us get in the way of at least seeing one another before he left. Like I told him at lunch, when everything else is gone away the one thing left should be our friendship.

I was honest with him about where I was in my life and in my feelings for him. At some point he slowly realized that what ever he was carrying for me he had to let it go. In the end I felt good that I did not leave it on the note that I was singing in my last entry. My kumbaya ass does not really like leaving things off on a kick rocks note, especially when a friend that I care about is involved.

One thing I can say is that all this seems to be so timely and I know that God has designed it this way for a reason. I really walked away from lunch today with a strong sense of closure of this chapter. I really feel that some one, some thing that has held me back romantically for years has finally been laid to rest and now I can whole heartedly move on into something else.

I really feel good and I feel that there are some good things coming on the horizon. Tech and I have been having regular conversations and for some reason the more we talk the more I begin to think that he is an ideal person for me. I honestly cannot wait for him to come back home so we can spend time with each other to see how things go and to kind of see where they are going if any where at all. None the less I am happy, highly blessed, thankful and ecstatic all in one.


Signed,

Did I Say Something Wrong?

When the monotony of things wear off then you must deal with the reality of the situation at hand. Prodigal and I were supposed to have gone to lunch on Friday to see each other and catch up etc; well I tried calling him the night before to firm up our plans for Friday afternoon and got no answer. I figured if he did not call me back by the time I laid my head on my pillow that night then it was a wrap for me, see you on the flip homie. So Friday came and I got no phone call, no email nor text from him. Was I hurt by it it?? Nahhhh, not at all. So my co workers and I ended up taking my intern out for lunch Friday after noon and had a blast. At 4PM Prodigal sent me a text telling me that his phone was about to die and he was on his way into the city and he did not forget about our lunch date.

Ummmm at 4PM I would prefer for you to just say that you forgot opposed to you treating it as an after thought. The sun does not rise and set on his ass; I have a job, children and I am prepping for a move next month therefore my time is rather limited. None the less I did not respond to his text message because I felt there was nothing for me to say to that.So later on that night he sends me another text asking me what I was doing and I waited until I finished what I was doing before I responded. Our text messages lead to a phone conversation that did not go so well.


I told him the truth about how I felt and that I did not see him in the manner that he saw me and that to me he was more of a good friend than a former lover or a potential flame that can be rekindled. Apparently this confession of mine "ruined" his whole trip. *rolls eyes* So the following night it was clear that he was upset with me though he expressed he was more hurt than upset and we proceeded to argue because we see thing differently and apparently my indifference to it all has offended him. My question is what makes you think you can put a person though a whole bunch of hurt and pain then move half way across the country and not expect for them to be over it at some point?? Dude get over yourself.


So as always he wants to move back here but it seems the basis on that happening is if I want to be with him or not. Gawd no take your tale back to the other side of the country. Be mad at me, stay not speaking to me because frankly my dear I don't give a damn. I EARNED the right to feel the way I feel, so go kick rocks.


Signed,

I Hate You Biotch!!!!

I know hate is a very strong word and normally I stay in a state of indifference with a lot of things. But this one thing I have to come out the box on...Insomnia is a bitch and this bitch I hate.

This trick thinks this shit is a joke when I have to wake up early and go to work the next morning. Every night you come fucking with me preventing me from falling asleep, leaving me tossing, turning, up on the computer writing blog entries and playing on Face Book and shit. Or you pull the shit that you pulled last night; I fall asleep at 9PM so easily and peacefully and then here you come with your ignorant ass waking me up at midnight. Midnight? Seriously? Really? I did not get back to sleep until 4 AM and I had to wake up two hours later. This is some bolgerdash for real. Why couldn't you have come and awaken me at 5 AM instead of midnight? That way at least I could have been some what well rested and have gotten to work an hour early. I guess that is too much like right!

I so wish you were a real physical entity that I can punch, jab and upper cut. I am tired I want to sleep peacefully but you Insomnia, your ass won't let me. As it approaches 1 AM I suppose I will lay here in the dark silence of my room until you decide when you will allow for me to drift off to sleep, heffa. Go kick rocks!

Signed,

The Hell????

I don't know if I was in denial about what I was feeling for Prodigal or if the excitement of seeing my friend has finally hit me after his many failed attempts to come back out this way for a visit... but I found myself thinking if I should call him when I saw his FB status alerting every one that he got here safely. Finally I decided to call him and no answer, only for him to call me right back a few minutes later.

Our conversation was nothing more than small talk with some joke peppered in with me occasionally saying, "Wow you are really here...I can't believe you are really here"; but at some point within the conversation I could not breathe. I literally felt as though I could not breathe and even after having been off the phone with him for almost an hour I feel like can't breathe. I have no clue what is going on... anxiety attack??? Am I more excited than I thought I was?? Just ugh! I hate this absolutely hate this.

I am having mixed feelings...He will be here until the middle of next week so you know there will probably be follow up posts, maybe, possibly. Ahhhh hayle who knows???

Guess Who's Coming To Town???

It is entirely to early in the morning therefore I am not going to sit here and throw out a bunch of potentially useless hints just for me to tell you at the end that Prodigal is coming to town. Actually his plane will be touching down at my local airport within the next few hours.

I am not going to say too too much right now because I forgot that I did give him a link to the blog but...well what the hell...

When he called me bursting with excitement at the news that he would be coming to town this week. I could hear the "I get to finally see and spend some time with the woman that I love" sound in his voice; all the while I am thinking yeaaa, my good friend is coming to town *throws confetti*. Evidently you can see that there are two different levels of expectations for how this visit is going to go. I know that I will eventually have to "talk" to him about how I am feeling... actually I am dreading having the "ship has been set a a blaze, sailed and our friendship is the only thing that remains amongst the ashes" conversation. I don't want to hurt his feelings and I don't want to lose one of the best males friends a girl could ever have.

Granted I have thought about and dreamed of a life with him but in reality 8 years later I am a totally different person than I was from when he and I first began dating. Through out everything that has happened and everything that has been done I have moved on and let go. I think I am over thinking this but to hear the excitement in his voice at "spending time" with me I don't think I am far off from my thoughts on how we differ in our expectations of one another during his stay.

Ok folks I have to get back on my grind but you all stay blessed and breezy!

With Love,

It's So Necessary

Now that we have flew through June into the month of July it is really time for me to sit down and begin planning the logistics of my up coming move. I have already been saving rather large sums of money in order to better prepare myself for the new transition and most importantly emergencies but there was one thing that I realized is a must to factor into the budget, a maid.

Yes, I said a maid. I don't know why I feel some shame in obtaining a maid to provide cleaning services to my new place on a regular basis...oh yeah I know why because I was raise in a deeply southern family that believed you are to clean up behind yourself. Both sides of my family believe that it is a duty more so of a woman to clean the house from top to bottom which I have no issues doing however looking at my life that is not possible to do, not even to do on a monthly basis. Gosh, I have children, work, working on business start up, sorority obligations , among other things I just don't have the time, energy nor inclination to break out the heavy duty cleaning supplies and start busting suds and dust.

Did I justify my soliciting the services of a maid? Oh well I feel justified in soliciting a maid service. If any one out there has any recommendations of a good maid service in the DC or Bmore area to use please let me know (I know y'all have a maid -_- )??

Yeah, yeah so I got tired of searching the net and decided to write a blog asking for recommendations. Stop talking about me and please dish the info...oh and make it a blessed evening on purpose.

A Riddle For You??

How many times does a man (one you want to leave you alone) have to leave a note on your car before he is considered a stalker??

Yes, my people this fool left another note on my car just when I thought it was really over. I figured that if I did not respond to the first note then he would let it be and leave me alone. I was taken a back when a family friend walked into my home and handed me a note saying this was on your car. When I read it I felt myself getting irritated all over again by this. I mean I just don't understand his rationale. Why are you going to introduce me to your daughter and I want to have nothing to do with you? We are not together, have not been together for well over a month now and there is no way we will be together in the foreseeable future. I mean damn I made it so he thought I changed my number, I ignored all his emails and he still persists.

Well, my girlfriend suggested I call him and tell him to stop contacting me before I take it to the authorities. I called him from a blocked number and told him to stop leaving notes on my car. He said, "ok. That's it?" and I said, "Yes. Leave me alone." he then tried to down play everything down by saying all he wanted for me to do was meet his daughter. I then reminded him that I do not want to have any contact with him and I want him to leave me alone. He then asked me, why? Why?!? Is he serious? Asking me why? It could be for any reason I damn well please from his childish behavior, to his whining about being broke to his trifling ass momma but I don't have to give him a reason. All he needs to know is that I want him to leave me alone.

Folks let's just say a prayer that he takes heed and leaves me alone.

Notes!

This morning as I was rushing out of the door I had grabbed a note off of my car. I assumed the note came from the trash men who by now I thought would probably be tired of me parking my truck in front of the mail box, thus preventing them from pulling the trash truck up to the front of the house therefore requiring them to actually walk over and bring the trash to the truck.

When I opened the note I realized the it had my name on it and I figured that someone who knew me had to of written it and put it on my car. As I read the note I realized that El, my recent ex had left me a note of apology for all that has happened between us and expressing how much he loves me along with a request to contact him so I could meet his daughter. *blank stare*

I am not sure if I am being mean or hormonal but everyone (my girlfriend and mentor) feel as though it was cute and gave him an "A" for the effort he put into it. Granted he took a risk leaving a note on my car because if my little sister would have caught him then that would have been his azz for real. LOL! Not to say that I don't think it was cute, sweet or highly persistent but I have no real feeling about it one way or another. I suppose my focus is on other things right now like getting together the money I need to move, quoting mover, packing and actually moving. So yeah my mind is not in it...

Gosh, just when I thought I have heard the last from him he pops back up again. Ok, I'm out you Folks have a blessed day!

Unwritten Rules...

My girlfriend developed a system that I have seen implemented across many a female friendships across the country, the Warning System. This Warning System was established to warn said friends that there is an up coming geigh moment (a moment of total and utter mushiness about your man, boo etc;) and then there is the TMI moment where more than what a friend should know is about to be blurted out to the receiving party. Though it would be common courtesy to warn some one before you are about to get all mushy or divulge more than you normally would, some don't give that courtesy therefore it has become a rule.

I noticed within the last few weeks my sorority sister has violated this rule to where she would be locked up if this rule were a crime. She has called me gushing all over about a crush or now some one that she "loves". I need to prepare myself for these overly emotional moments so I won't accidentally throw up in my mouth, or accidentally say what my friend Rashad used to say, "f*ck you and your love" (that was a classic line) and keep it moving. In sitting her down and having to school her on these unwritten rules I figured that I would eventually blog about it but never really quite got around to it....until today.

This morning Rashad wrote an entry about reading his lady's Essence magazine before she could read it and I got to thinking about how my girl's and I do when it come to Essence. First let me say Essence is serious, so much so that I my girlfriend gifted me a two year subscription just so I could keep up with everyone else and join in on the conversations that stem from the articles or advice that is often given in each monthly issue.

So every month my girlfriend will ask me if I have received my copy yet and I say, no. She won't say anything in regards to the magazine until I have received and fully read my copy and vice versa. If there was something real good in the magazine that she felt I could benefit from reading or wanted to discussion this will be met with an overwhelmingly amount of pressure to go and check my mail box so I can read and discuss. When she sees that the new issue is out on newsstands and in stores and has yet to receive it in her mail box then she is hopping mad and once again urging me to check my mail box to see if mines has come.

So when I read Rashad's entry my first thought was it is not that serious it is just a magazine but in really thinking about how "we" (meaning us females) do when it comes to this particular magazine I realized that this is some unusually serious isht. This is some subconscious stuff that goes way back to childhood (at least for me). I remember when my mother and sister would get magazines in the mail and as I would reach for the issue they would say, "Don't touch that I have not read that yet" and eventually I was trained to ask if they have read their magazines yet before I even thought to reach for it. Or, it would be tossed at me after it has been read from front to back.

I can say I have once in my life made the mistake of reading an Essence before my sister and thoroughly got cussed out for it. Once again, this isht is serious. It is one unwritten rules that should very well not be broken. Does it sound trivial? Yes, yes it does but it is what it is. I mean what can one on the other side of the magazine really do??


Have a great day on purpose Folk!

Just A Theory

Before I get into this entry I am just going to fore warn you all that I will be trying some thing new with the blog. I will have le signature after each entry and though I was completely against getting the mind spring box, I think it is called so you all can ask an enormous amount of questions anonymously, I am teetering on it but I am not completely sold as of yet. Yeah, the folks that know me know I hate being questioned. So we will see what ever I so happen to come across and throw on the blog to make it a lil different but most importantly more reflective of who Miss. Lady really is.

Ok moving on...


There is this young security guard down stairs that evidentally has a lil crush on me. It's cute that much I can say about, it's cute. But it brought me to wonder, why? Why do I attract these young men? What is it about me that keeps these young men coming? God only knows I really don't like dating younger men. Oh and yes, I have dated younger men and have lived to regret wasting my time. The conversation is different, intimacy is different it is just all different. For the life of me I don't know how the cougars in the world do it. I just don't understand.


So I decided to do a little research of my own to try to find the answer to this question. Not just because I really want to know the answer but mostly because I am bored and really have nothing else better to do than to probe into certain areas of my life. So I asked a few people who know me personally how old do I look to them. I got a range from 25-28 years old. Also considering the fact that they know me and may or may not want to hurt my feelings or have me wreck havoc on them for saying the wrong thing I ventured out and asked perfect strangers. Yep, I surely asked folks I don't know and I got the same answer, late 20's.

I was going over my results with my mentor and I told her that this must be the reason why the young, young thugs, wankstas, similac smelling guys and nasty ole suga daddies try to holla because they think I am some really young tender (still a young tender I am a 33 year old young tender). At this moment my mentor say, naw that ain't it and proceeds to tell me that young guys like older women. This completely puts a flaw in my theory and my findings and puts me in the position to where I may have to delve into this further.... hmm on second thought that would require for me to immerse myself in their young lil worlds therefore I think not. I will just continue to think that my youthful look is what is attracting the young lads. Hell at this point I have nothing else, except a prayer that an older yet mature man will take the time to stop and talk to me for a bit. It is nice to have conversation about something other than cars, rims, shoes and clothes that the young ones (at least the ones I have dealt with) complain they can't afford to buy.

With that I am out... Going to do some work. Have a great day on purpose folks!

Epiphany...

An idle mind is the Devil's play ground and I have to admit that is true. Tonight I was bored out of my mind! Just me, the internet, space and plenty of opportunity. So I went and looked up Lil Bit's father on the net and found his various pages on different social networking sites and I realized that I have arrive to destination indifference.

I would say there was a time when I would cry just to see his pictures and wonder what was it in him to do the things that he did and to treat our child in the manner that he has treated her thus far. As time went one when I saw the pictures of him with his other children I would literally feel physically sick, then my feelings would roll over into sheer anger and resentment because he was not the father to our daughter that he is to them.

Tonight when I saw his pictures I felt nothing and it brought me to the realization that I feel that way in regards to a few people that I have dated in my past that I still have ties with. I don't care any more. I am indifferent and I really feel as though I have come to this place in my life where I can let it all go and not look back. I feel as though I am really ready to move on into something new with some one new, whom ever that may be...only God knows that.

Anyway, I can say that at this point I truly feel free. I feel as though I have grown to a point as a person where I can let go and walk away from people and feelings that do nothing but waste my valuable time. To the past, the inconsistent, irresponsible, unreliable, indecisive, the immature and the game players; I bid you adieu.

To the mature, real, serious, truthful, consistent, responsible and reliable (among other things), welcome. :)

Nonchalant...

Usually in a new situation when I first meet/start talking to/dating some one I find that I easily become the aggressive one in the situation and I find that I am the one initiating the next steps in what ever the situation is. In a few entries back I wrote about Tech and how he was sent to Germany days before we were supposed to have gone out on our first date.

Tech leaving made me fall back a little bit after all he was going to be in Europe and Europeans are a little bit more laxed and in some ways less conservative than Americans so I could imagine how much fun he was going to be over there having (girls, girls, girls, girls) so I decided to leave the pace up to him and just chill. If he was interested in talking to me cool if not, cool.

So apparently I have an aggressive mentor and friend. My friend, Rani, had been pushing me to get Skype so he and I could speak to each other but I was like nawww, he didn't mention it nor ask so I am not getting it. My mentor had suggested that at first I go to Germany and visit him and now that he is in England for the duration of his assignment she has suggested a trip to England. Hmmmm, no for so many reasons. Not that I wouldn't want to go as I like the idea of being only a 3 hour drive away from France, and a 1 hour flight away from Germany, but going over seas is very low on a long list of priorities right now. However, I have been treading light around the office in order to avoid accidentally walking into an over seas assignment to support Global HR in England. *looks from side to side*

Anyway, as he got settled into living in England he did ask when I was coming out there to see him and I had to look around for wondering if he had hidden cameras in the office or if he was monitoring my same time conversations *looks from side to side*. Yesterday as I was in the midst of my bi weekly FB teasing and harassing him he finally asked me when was I going to get Skype. I told him that I'd down load it and we scheduled a time to talk.

Ok, first off Skype is cool. I like it. We were on for over 3 hours last night and had the best conversation (I love talking to him). It felt so good to see him and hear his voice. One thing I found a little surprising was that he said he missed me and I could tell he was really sincere in that sentiment. I say that is surprising because we did not have a lot of time with each other. All of our interactions were more so the few times we would see and speak to each other at work. I guess one never knows the impact that they make on a person in such little time.

Well anyway he said that he felt bad for having to leave so suddenly before we could even go out, though I know it was not his fault, he will be making it up to me when he gets back. >:-)

Picking It back Up...

First off let me just say I am not making any promises and for the most part I am going to try to blog more. When I first started this blog my life was very unsettled; I had just gave up my apartment (my independence too in away), lost and obtained a new job and had relationship issues like no one would not believe. Not to say I have not had relationship issues over the past two years that I have been laying words on this blog but they just were that significant to me to warrant writing about in depth.

Well, I can't say for certain that the person (AB) that I wrote about in the beginning of this blog was real significant to me either. I supposed to an extent I was going through so much at that time it was nice to have someone there to be a comfort and a constant in a time of uncertainty and an attempt at reestablishment. As time went one I realized it was not true and real like I thought it was. Eventually I rolled up on I don't care and let it go all together. I know I did not blog about the most recent of my exes but once again it was nothing real significant in the grand scheme of things. In the end I could not wait for him to mature and miraculously gain the 300 + brain cells that he needed in order for us to have an even and balanced relationship. None the less any one I have ever dated I wish them all the best and happiness... I'm too old to have ill will towards others.

I have come to notice that the more time goes on the list of the things that don't phase me or that I really don't care about gets longer and longer. I often wonder if that comes with getting older and having experienced different things in life? Or, is it when you are exposed to the situations, similar personalities and events that after a while it gets boring and you are just ready to see what is beyond it? Who really knows all I know is there is plenty I used to care about that I just don't care about any more.

As I approach my 33rd birthday (I can say my age because I don't look it. WOOT!) I would say I am starting to reevaluate my life but I am not...what is the point of reevaluating life year after year just to come to the same conclusions and do nothing about it? So I am going to just have as much fun this year as I possibly can, travel as much as my bank account will allow for me to, raise my babes, build my career, work on building my business and enjoy my friend and family to the fullest. Hmmm all that sounds so delightful to me.

Thrown Under The Bus

One of my Face book friends posed this question to every one for the day, If one of your co workers threw you under the bus what would you do? How would you handle it?

I found it very ironic that he would ask that question today because two of my co workers threw me under the bus on Tuesday. See part of my job is to confirm the start of employees once they have arrived for their first day of employment. Once I am notified by the recruiter and/or hiring manager of this occurrence I do what I need to do.

A few weeks ago things went a little differently. I used to speak to one of my recruiters on the phone regularly and in conversation he would mention things that would need to be taken care of and things that were coming up that I needed to prepare for. In this particular conversation I specifically asked about the status of two candidates because I had not heard anything and he said, "The group usually confirms their starts late. If I get the notification late then I will confirm them for you. No problem." I get in the next morning and see an email from said recruiter that I needed to confirm these people and when I went to go do such they weren't in the system to be confirmed. So during our next conversation after inquiring he said, "I already confirmed them, you got scared didn't you?".


So now it comes down to a week later, these people apparently weren't confirmed and the group is in an uproar and we are trying to scramble around to make sure these folks get paid tomorrow. So in the mix of these two begin to complain about how their people are not getting confirmed etc. My problem with this is 1) nothing was stated or said about the process and it would be professional courtesy to mention it and work out a way for the process to move smoothly, 2) If you said you were going to do it, confirmed you did it when you didn't, that is an issue and I am sitting here feeling set up and 3) If I have to chase you down just to get you to confirm your employees' start and if employee confirmations have become so problematic that your own managers bypass you and come to me then the problem is you, yet you want to complain about me.


In the end this resulted in two conversations with my supervisor and a removal of confirmation duties for these two which at this point I simply don't care. My response to it all? Sent and email stating that any requests and or informing me of tasks that they are to perform themselves in lieu of me are to come via email and email only. yes, I am feeling rather pissed and I feel some resentment begin to set in but what else can I do? How would you handle an issue such as this?

Helping vs. Enabling

So this issues has been one of the many things that have been annoying me over the last few days.

As I wrote in this here blog two years ago I had to move in with my Dad and his witch *ahem* I mean wife until I got myself together after having been laid off from my job.

Fast forward two years and I finally took care of the things that were preventing me from moving (with some assistance from Dad, my savings and my 401K). So now that I am preparing to secure my place and plan my departure he wants to throw a monkey wrench in my plans, my little sister.

A little back ground...lil sister; went to school for massage therapy, got licensed, hopped from spa to spa, did not bring in much income, spends frivolously, going to school full time with no and I mean NO steady job and no inclination to even get a part time. All of the latter are reasons why I was incredulous when my father said that he thought we were getting a place together. No, no and no.


So he knows someone who used to rent houses and he said that he would look in to see if he could rent us a house large enough for me, her and my three beautiful children. When I hear this all I see is $$$$$ and even though he claims he is going to subsidize her rent, like he does her car note, insurance and gives her money because she has no job. I am still seeing this $$$$$ and feeling increasingly uncomfortable with the whole idea.


I mean damn it is bad enough I struggle taking care of me and my children but I don't want to be stuck with footing the bill for a 26 almost 27 year old adult. It is entirely to much of a risk that quite frankly I don't want to nor feel comfortable taking on. Secondly, I have lived in a home within the last two years with approximately 3-9 people (yes the house is rather large) and quite frankly I want my own space. Selfish as it may be I want my own privacy (as much as one can get with kids living in the home)and I don't want to feel as though I have to consistently police the bad habits of others and who is brought into the house. Plus after a while we don't get along and if I am going to be living with someone that I am going to fight with, then it is going to be someone of the opposite sex that I can have make up sex with at the end of the argument. I so wish I could express these sentiments (well not that last sentiment. LOL) but it is going to spark a serious flame with my Dad, with him accusing me of giving up on her and insisting that he is going to help her no matter what.

Granted, I love my sister but in this respect she needs to grow the fuck up and he needs to let her. I'm tired of the I go to school full time excuse. Shit I went to school full time and worked before there was such a thing as online classes with children in tow and I managed to do what I needed to do for me and the children.Even in times when I had no job I knew what to do and where to go in order to make sure my most essential bills ie; house, car, food and utilities were taken care of. I just want to get on the roof and scream "STOP ENABLING HERRRRRRRRRRR!"

I have no clue what to say or what to do right now... I take that back. I know what I am going to do, I am going to move forth with my plans accordingly; this was just a straight rant.

Not Every Thing Is For Every Body

A few months ago I wrote a blog about this semi liquid diet that my co worker coaxed me into doing and I quickly remembered that I can't do all the things that the other little kids on the play ground do. LOL! I got sick off of it and I mean SIIIICK. So my having gotten sick along with missing the action of tasting and actually chewing my food I said fuck it and just stopped. I couldn't take it any more. My girlfriend mentioned that Weight Watchers was waiving registration fee for their online program so and suggested that we re start the program together. The first three weeks were easy peasy. I was straight on point with food and water intake. As the fourth week rolled around the newness of it all had worn off and I was slipping back into my old habits and getting real bored with the program.

I began to feel as though I had to fight with myself and push myself to keep going; until one of my friend posted on FB that she was going to a WW meeting and then later posted that she was only a few pounds from her goal. First let me say that I am so proud of her! :) C worked so hard and reached her goal but what was most admirable is that she documented her journey and shared it with others. For some one to open their life up to other people in such a manner is brave for the most part. Once again, congrats Lady! Following her had given me a dose of inspiration to push past the boredom of it all and stick with it. Oh yeah and Jennifer Hudson rolling on the scene looking like she lost almost a whole person really got me motivated too. So after having been on the program for 6 weeks I am down 17lbs. Yeaaaaa me! I am definitely hoping I will be down another 30-40lbs by the end of the summer.


I am trying hard to get motivated to work out but it seems like there is always something working against me. My co worker and I had decided to start walking at lunch time and what do you know I got attacked by these here allergies and was sick. Once I start feeling as though I can go walking with out passing out I have a bathroom accident... last night I was cleaning out the tub so my daughter could take her bath. My feet were on the edge of the bathroom rug and I was on my the tips of my toes, bent over the tub trying to reach the far part in the back of the tub and then it happened...it was like some one came and literally pulled the rug from up underneath the tips of my toes, I fell in the tub and slammed my leg on the edge of the tub. I was HURT! My foot was cramped, my leg was hurt. Lil Bit runs in and asked what happened and told her nothing. She giggled to herself and said, "Looks to me like you fell in the tub Mommy." kids gotta love them. Anyway, I woke up this morning with a sore and very swollen leg. Just ugh!

Such Is Life...

Sicily, 1989 it was... LOL! I love Sophia from the Golden Girls she always started a story off right.

Any way, I guess I am a little sullen today actually I have been like this since Wednesday...I met this man at my job who is a computer tech assigned to my floor. Apparently he was tasked with trouble shooting the bad batch of computers Dell had sent everyone on my floor and had to go around to look at every one's laptops.

When I finally got back from my stint in Aberdeen (it is a whole different world up there) he came to look at my lap top. I threw him my smile :), told him what was wrong with my computer and gave it to him. He brought it back to me with every thing on the screen big and I mean REAL BIG, which required me to call him back to come fix it (think he did that on purpose). That day we began talking to each other via IM and we realized we went to tech school together. What a small world!

We have been talking for the last three week and can I say it is nice to talk to some one that can actually hold a conversation?? Yes it is. So after a phone conversation that lasted until 6 AM the following morning, which by the way got me beat up by a hungry 4 year old with a cereal box 2 hours later,we decided to go out on a few dates and see what happens. We talked all morning on Monday and I snuck over to his cube to talk to him face to face, he walked me to my car and stole 2 kisses (ok so the second kiss was not a stolen one). I was excited (even more after that kiss. LOL!), this is the first time I have met a male version of me and I was looking forward to our date on Saturday and getting to know him over all. Yes, I said "was" because there will be do damn date on Saturday as our company will be sending him to Germany Saturday afternoon for a 3 month assignment.

I am happy for him as I know this opportunity will open many doors for him in his career. *throws confetti* But dammit JIM, I am disappointed on the other end of the spectrum too. This isht SUCKS! This is the only place I can thoroughly show my disappointment because as far as he is concerned I have already put him on the plane with a list of things to send me from Germany.

So right now it leaves me at a cross road, do I move on to the next in my hope to hook up with that one (be of the mind set if I am available when he gets back good , if not oh well)? Or, I put myself on ice for 3 months (try to keep in touch ) and attempt to pick up where we left off when he gets back from Germany?

I know such is life but still... UGH!

Got Some Down Time...

I actually have down time at work. It is a little scary because I am wondering when the when the flash flood will hit but hey I am going to enjoy it while it lasts.

Any way...

I did not make it to the WILD party my co worker threw for her birthday last Saturday night. What can I say? The day in the life of a single mother, my baby was sick and honestly so was I (ok I was not sick but I was not feeling so hot). However, I heard it was off the chain, everyone was tore up from the floor up even the DJ. Not sure if I really would have had a good time...yeah I would have had a good time laughing at all of the highly intoxicated and extremely disoriented folks. People watching is the best thing since sliced bread.


I am trying not to complain about how bored I am as my days are usually filled with 100+ emails, phone calls to the desk phone and cell, IM messages on both the work and personal IM with my having not been to productive in completing my own daily tasks. After reading that being bored is not so bad. Right now I am waiting for these little 20 minutes to pass so I can leave this here establishment from where my paycheck comes from, go home and get the hell out of these heels.

Ehhhhh I just got a last minute request, my drawer is locked and I am on my way out the door. What do? What to do? What tooooo do? Peace out!

All That I Can Say...

Is that I really don't feel up to writing separate blogs so this may be one long blog about many different things.

First up...

Last week I was really feeling the effects of Ms. Candy no longer being here with us. I really felt like I had lost a limb and have spent the last few months trying to figure out how to function with out it. I knew I depended on her but I did not realize how much I had depended on her. I have not quite gotten used to the fact that she is gone as I have been anticipating her scheduled Wednesday texts and subsequent phone calls asking when was I going to drop her baby off for the weekend. Last Wednesday I checked my phone for her text and realized that there would be no text because she is gone. Come Thursday her daughter sent me a text asking if she can see her. I figured we would meet and I would let her see Lil Bit for a few hours. No, she wanted to keep her for the whole weekend which lead to the are you sure you are ready for this talk. I took her down to spend the weekend with her God Sister and I was not worried about her at all like I thought I would be. Can't say the weekend was all that great but it was a rather restful and seemingly quiet. The best thing of all was that I actually got to sit through a church service with out having to sneak out to the bathroom in the middle to discipline her. Ahhhh yes I cherished that moment for real.


Moving along...

As I get older and advance more within my career I have grown a little lax with some of the work rules that I have ie; no dating some one that work for the same company, not socializing with co workers outside of work etc. Since becoming relaxed in these here rules I have established some very good friendships with a small few of my coworkers to the point where I felt they were cool enough to friend on Face Book. BUT there is one issue that I am having and that is socializing outside of work as in attending parties and get together at folks houses.

One of my co workers is having a three day birthday party celebration starting today and ending Sunday; tomorrow night she will have a full on party. Now, I have heard that her parties are WILD and I have seen some pictures that made me raise an eye brow (drunk people being put in trunks of limos), so I am a little nervous. This is requiring me to do something that I don't do much of; going out, leaving the house, socializing and meeting new people. Since yesterday I have been agonizing about hair, make up, clothes, which purse I am going to take...then it hit me! The reason why I don't go out any where is because it is entirely to much work. But I am still going to go and make an attempt to relax and have some fun. Gawd, I feel like I need a 12 step program for being anti social.


Next up...

Last year I had met a man that works at my job. We flirted for a while and I knew he liked me but he never really expressed it to me personally. So my coworker took it upon him self to put a bug in Dude's ear that I liked him and he should talk to me. So we started talking and through talking I found out that he has a girlfriend that he lives with and he is only staying for the sake of their 12 year old daughter, which is fine do you but don't pull me into your isht. Our talks fell off mostly due to me being busy along with other stuff (yeah I can't do nothing with him). So we have recently seen each other in the cafe down stairs, talked and caught up with each other. I told him I had been traveling up to Aberdeen twice a week and he asked about the coworker who urged him to talk to me. I told him he was cool. So, I get up to Aberdeen yesterday and the coworker said I have something to show you. He shows me an email Dude sent him basically saying that it was nice for me to drive up there to train and help him out. Then he said, "either your girl is just that busy or she is too nice to tell me that I don't have a chance with her. LOL!"

Can you all imagine my eyes rolling? Just visual the eye roll please? Now when we first started talking he said, "I don't think I can give you everything you need." and I asked him why he would say something like that and that is when he explained the situation about living with ole girl, not being happy in the situation but staying for his daughter. Ok! Wonderful! I responded you are right you can't give me what I need, then our talks fell off. I am wondering if I missed something? Did I need to write I am not going along with this on the wall or something? Seriously, I don't want no ones husband, man, jump off or what ever new terms these young whipper snappers are using today.

I want a husband of my own that is committed to making things work and putting up with me for life. This man would have to be in the Lord; I mean walking, praising and most importantly praying because I know me. I am realistic about who I am as a person and I know there are timessss he is going to have to pray just to deal with me. I don't mean Lord Jesus help me but knee pad type praying. :) LOL! I am not that difficult and anyone who says differently is lying. LOL!


Ok, it is Good Friday and I am at work :( however I am blessed and high thankful that I woke up this morning to have another chance at being a better me than I was yesterday. I ask that you all please pray that I make is through this party, for if I see some tomfoolery, coonery, skankery and hoery I don't know what I am going to do. LOL! You all have a great Easter Weekend!

Changes...

Yeah as you can see I dusted this thing off and decided to do some decorating around here. Yeaaaah this is more me.

Any way....

This time change has really thrown me off. I find that I cannot go to sleep at night and have the hardest time getting up in the morning. Right now it feels like my body will never get used to the change. Don't get me wrong I love the extra hour of day light but damn I hate what it is doing to my body clock.

With each passing day I promise myself that I will come in here and blog, however I have been so busy that I never get to it. Ehhhh what can I say? Life is like that some times. Work has been insanely busy with my having to split my time between working out of my office in PG and chucking up to Aberdeen twice a week to train some one. It is nice to get out of the office twice a week but after a while the drive and interruption in the progress of my work kind of gets on my nerves. Though the mileage and toll reimbursement is nice to have in my check...who am I kidding? This shit has gotten old and I am ready to stay stationary.

At this moment I am trying to decide on an area to set roots in. In looking for a nice place to move to (trying to move within the next few months) I have run into a little dilemma; quality housing vs. location. In my search for the perfect home I have found that there are a lot of foreclosed homes that were bought, gutted out and completely remodeled. These home are inexpensive and gorgeous BUT they are located in the not so desirable areas of Baltimore and Anne Arundel County. Or, I have found nice homes that are so far out, I would have to request to work out of the office closet to it just to live. Its like I literally have to choose; live closer in, pay more and be broke OR live in a nice house and be concerned about making it from the car to the front door with out being assaulted or worse. Ok, so maybe I was exaggerating a little in that last statement but you all know where I am coming from.

I suppose I will figure it all out considering I do have a few months to research neighborhoods and look at different places. I really hate moving. There is nothing fun or desirable about any part of the moving process; precisely being the reason why I will staying a few years where ever I land.

Ok, I think i have more than satisfied my blog requirement. Now I did not divulge all that is going on but it will play out on this here blog as things begin to unfold and develop. *evil laughter*

Gimmie A Break!

Though I know better to think that I would get a break from accident (my car was hit yesterday) and tragedy after Candy's sudden passing, a part of me was hoping that a break it something I would get. NOT! Life refuses to do such a thing therefore I must endure what ever it throws at me. So far there have been two additional sudden deaths within my family, which right now is to much for me as I am still grieving the loss of my daughter's God mother.

I think the one thing that has blind sided me was my son passing out. I got a call earlier today from my son's step mother explaining that they were in the ER waiting to be seen as my son had gotten dizzy and passed out. She seemed calm, which kept me calm but there was still a part of me that felt empty at that moment...I can't describe it completely I just felt like an empty shell going through the motions. I am thankful my baby is ok, now may I have a sliver of a break from the tragedies and hardships of life?

Ethical Dilemma... What Would You Do?

Ok, If you so happen to have read the entry before this one then you know I am on a weight loss plan that requires shakes. Last week I had place my first order for a few boxes of shakes and requested they send the order to the address in which I currently reside and not the address I have my mail sent to. *sigh* Once again reading is fucking fundamental, despite the fact my shipping address is plastered on everything as clear as day complete with written instruction to send it to the shipping address (place I currently reside) these brainiacs send it to my mailing address.

Since it had been delivered to my mailing address this required for me to wake up at the butt crack of dawn in order to go pick it up as they close early, therefore they are closed by the time I get off of work (the recession is hittin everyone). So I got the stuff and I went and told my co worker that the company she referred me to was bootleg and seemed to employed people who pay no attention to detail.

After I told her the story she suggested that I call the company and tell them that I have a few problems, 1) they delivered the order to the wrong address and 2) by them having delivered it to the wrong address I never received the order. She suggested I tell them they need to send me out a new shipment for free to the right address in order to fix their error. *sigh*

Now if I did that would I be purchasing a one way ticket to hell? I mean really I like the fact that I would be teaching their asses a lesson in reading and paying attention but the whole lying to get free product just makes my conscience hollar, "NO! Do the right thiiiing"...but as much as that shit costs it is rather tempting. What would you do?

Reading Is Fundamental...

Before I begin this entry I would like to thank every one for well wishes and condolences. Though I have gotten to a point where I am emotionally ok, Lil Bit has not quite gotten there. I am literally pulling patience and tolerance from every place I can in helping her work through her little grieving process.

Moving on...

My co worker had hipped me to this semi liquid diet plan. The reason why I say semi liquid is because I actually do eat two 250 cal meals per day in addition to protein shakes. I basically consume a shake every hour and at the times I am supposed to eat, I stop and eat. So far so good considering my last meal is between 5 and 6 PM I am not hungry.

Today I called myself trying to purchase pre made salads in order to take the stress off of me having to measure, weigh etc; and what do you know?? I skimmed over the nutritional value label and ate 2 more servings than what I should have. *sigh* I should have taken a closer look...reading is really fundamental.

Anyway I am not to worried about it as the original plan requires 7, 100 calorie shakes a day in addition to the two meals... a sista can't do 7, I can only drink 5 maybe 6 so I had some extra calories to play around with.

I will be back with updates as I continue with this. In the mean time I will tell you that day one was hard eating every hour on the hour (an hour goes by fast) by the time I made it to my last meal I seriously had the itis and wanted a nice warm bed to fall asleep in. Today (Day 2) was difficult in the sense that I had things to do during the early part of the day, so running around in the snow and having to remember to drink my shakes when I should was a tad bit difficult. I may have to leave some packets and water in the car for when I am out and about.

Anyway...right now I am teetering between going back to the gym or getting a Wii Fit. Decisions, decisions, decision...