Why is it so hard for people to take their own advice (me included)? I have read/heard peoples thoughts, opinion and advice they have given on various subject matters yet they struggle in those same areas and it is clear they don't listen to anything they advise any one else to do. It just makes life that much harder than it should be sometimes.
With in the last 24 hours I have been helping friends in need with various issues and as I sit and talk them through their issues, make suggestions, give positive feedback and advice; I begin to wonder WTF? Why can't I take to heart what it is I am telling them and use it for myself? I know if I did life would be much easier.
Then I realized it is fear, fear of stepping out on that limb and everything falling a part yet what is the worse that can really happen? I am beginning to see that everything in life is a gamble with the world we are living in nothing is guaranteed, even life. So, if you allow yourself to love then what is the worst that could happen? It could not work out and if one does right then the break up can be as friendly as possible and you all will move on better people. In the end at least you know what it feels like to love and be love, at least you would have experienced it. Or, you could end up with a great love, good relationship and a good person for the rest of your days. One will never know what happens until you step out on that faith. You never know if you got that job or not if you don't apply and go for it. So, you were working in a different industry. Skills transfer, they have to train you any way... so go for it. See what happens! You will eliminate the what ifs, should of, could of, would ofs if you do.
Yet, again I know I need to take some of my own advice on certain things pertaining to certain aspects of my life. It all take baby steps, so what I am going to do is at least once or twice a day I am going to take my own advice and not listen to the hesitation that rolls around in my head. Hopefully I can make stepping out on faith and taking my own advice a habit.
Is anyone else up for the challenge?? I triple dog dare ya. LOL!
Here is some Smash Mouth
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Chapters...
Driving on the back road to home chewing on my lip with a furrowed brow and as always thinking, thinking, thinking. So engulfed in my thoughts I did not realize I was driving off into on coming traffic the sound of blaring horns snapped me out of my thoughts and back in my lane.
What was on my mind? Wondering if I should close a chapter in my life. It is only a brief chapter and quite frankly I don't like the direction the story is going, I don't feel right being placed in a role I just particular don't want to play... a roll I am tired of playing I should say. Since it is real life it is not like I can just erase it and rewrite it to my liking as if I was writing a novel.
Not that trying to make things the way they want them to be is what the other characters have tried to do, but I am not them and when you try to alter situations and relationships you can create feelings and issues that you don't intend to create thus fucking everything up. Been there done that and all altering things does is create a confusing mess for all involved, so I prefer not to go there.
I have closed many chapters in my life, left some off with a "To Be Continued" and some are pending change. I am trying to think about how I want to handle this chapter... do I, should I keep on writing until there are no more words to write? Or, should I just give it a shoddy ending and move on to the new chapter with new characters and try to forget the previous chapter was ever written? If it is even possible to forget...
Life and bull shit, life and bull shit.
What was on my mind? Wondering if I should close a chapter in my life. It is only a brief chapter and quite frankly I don't like the direction the story is going, I don't feel right being placed in a role I just particular don't want to play... a roll I am tired of playing I should say. Since it is real life it is not like I can just erase it and rewrite it to my liking as if I was writing a novel.
Not that trying to make things the way they want them to be is what the other characters have tried to do, but I am not them and when you try to alter situations and relationships you can create feelings and issues that you don't intend to create thus fucking everything up. Been there done that and all altering things does is create a confusing mess for all involved, so I prefer not to go there.
I have closed many chapters in my life, left some off with a "To Be Continued" and some are pending change. I am trying to think about how I want to handle this chapter... do I, should I keep on writing until there are no more words to write? Or, should I just give it a shoddy ending and move on to the new chapter with new characters and try to forget the previous chapter was ever written? If it is even possible to forget...
Life and bull shit, life and bull shit.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
As The Anti- Social Turns
So my day of " anti-social" behavior continued on after I got home. Back in March I moved in with my Dad and his wife. In addition to the two of them my sister is here along with my step brother and his family. Brady Bunch? I think not. Though we live in an excessively large house there is always a chance I am going to run into some one which is why I try to avoid going to the kitchen as much as possible... thank God I have a refrigerator in my room.
As I pulled up to the house this evening I growled in the phone to my girlfriend because company was over. I had the feeling of not wanting to talk to any one, have conversation nor do any Q & A. I asked my girlfriend if she felt that I was anti-social and she answered with a resounding yes. Ok, so I don't like being around a lot of people, I like shit to be as quiet as possible and I only want to deal with and talk to who I want to deal with and talk to. I don't like to be touched by people and I have only conditioned myself to be more than functional in these areas with my children and my better half.
Anyway, every time I walk in the door I realize what I liked about having my own place, I could come home and do what I wanted. Since I lived by myself I did not have to talk to any one until I was ready to, if the phone rang I did not have to answer it. I would just look at the caller ID and often times make a mental note to call who ever back later. I had the ability to strip down to nothingness and throw something comfy on before I cooked dinner, listening to the sound of my children have amusing conversations about their day or just listening to the silence if the kids were gone.
Mhm, maybe that is why I never really had an issue with being alone or not having any one in my life romantically because I cherished the space and freedom that I had. Not to say there is anything wrong with a romantic relationship as I do love being in one (if that is what you want to call it) but I just like to have my personal space from time to time.
Is there any hope for me?
As I pulled up to the house this evening I growled in the phone to my girlfriend because company was over. I had the feeling of not wanting to talk to any one, have conversation nor do any Q & A. I asked my girlfriend if she felt that I was anti-social and she answered with a resounding yes. Ok, so I don't like being around a lot of people, I like shit to be as quiet as possible and I only want to deal with and talk to who I want to deal with and talk to. I don't like to be touched by people and I have only conditioned myself to be more than functional in these areas with my children and my better half.
Anyway, every time I walk in the door I realize what I liked about having my own place, I could come home and do what I wanted. Since I lived by myself I did not have to talk to any one until I was ready to, if the phone rang I did not have to answer it. I would just look at the caller ID and often times make a mental note to call who ever back later. I had the ability to strip down to nothingness and throw something comfy on before I cooked dinner, listening to the sound of my children have amusing conversations about their day or just listening to the silence if the kids were gone.
Mhm, maybe that is why I never really had an issue with being alone or not having any one in my life romantically because I cherished the space and freedom that I had. Not to say there is anything wrong with a romantic relationship as I do love being in one (if that is what you want to call it) but I just like to have my personal space from time to time.
Is there any hope for me?
Anti-Social???
In the midst of my work day I was interrupted by the faint sound of the fire alarm (the one on my side failed to go off) I ignored it, continuing with my work until some one dragged me out of my office on their way out to the emergency evacuation meeting point.
As I got together with my other co workers and supervisor I detected the beginnings of me getting clowned because they don't see me as much as they did before I got an office. My supervisor jokingly told me that I need to come, make my rounds and speak to everyone. I suppose if I have to do it to get that boost up career wise then I will but for the most part some times I have days where I am feeling anti-social. Granted I do have a few co workers that I am close to and one at work husband who calls all dang day just about every day (mental note start working on getting dude a woman).
Anyway...
Most times it is work. I had no clue I was going to be supporting the largest producer of work in this group and I have others that come to me for their support needs, questions and concerns as well therefore it leave me in my office with piles and piles of work that needs to get done before the end of the day... some times I don't even have time to eat. Thank God for one of my co workers who always looks out for me, checks up on me and if it is one of those busy days he will run and get me something to eat or heat my food up for me (yes it is that busy). Then there are just times where I really don't feel like talking to any one. I just want to sit in my office and work silently. I don't want to participate in the other reindeer games, I just want to chill, in my office... alone.
I cannot say that my personal life is all that different. Basically I talk to who I want to talk to, deal with who I want to deal with, will meet new people (love meeting new people) and just leave all the rest. Yes, I get real nervous when I am in a new social setting or I have to meet people but once I get comfortable I am good... relationships and networks are just so hard to keep up with and maintain. Mmmmm, yeah I am lazy. I think I just don't want to establish and maintain, that's it.
Maybe if I get a doctor to write a note saying that I have social anxiety and post it on my door then folks will leave me alone. LOL!
As I got together with my other co workers and supervisor I detected the beginnings of me getting clowned because they don't see me as much as they did before I got an office. My supervisor jokingly told me that I need to come, make my rounds and speak to everyone. I suppose if I have to do it to get that boost up career wise then I will but for the most part some times I have days where I am feeling anti-social. Granted I do have a few co workers that I am close to and one at work husband who calls all dang day just about every day (mental note start working on getting dude a woman).
Anyway...
Most times it is work. I had no clue I was going to be supporting the largest producer of work in this group and I have others that come to me for their support needs, questions and concerns as well therefore it leave me in my office with piles and piles of work that needs to get done before the end of the day... some times I don't even have time to eat. Thank God for one of my co workers who always looks out for me, checks up on me and if it is one of those busy days he will run and get me something to eat or heat my food up for me (yes it is that busy). Then there are just times where I really don't feel like talking to any one. I just want to sit in my office and work silently. I don't want to participate in the other reindeer games, I just want to chill, in my office... alone.
I cannot say that my personal life is all that different. Basically I talk to who I want to talk to, deal with who I want to deal with, will meet new people (love meeting new people) and just leave all the rest. Yes, I get real nervous when I am in a new social setting or I have to meet people but once I get comfortable I am good... relationships and networks are just so hard to keep up with and maintain. Mmmmm, yeah I am lazy. I think I just don't want to establish and maintain, that's it.
Maybe if I get a doctor to write a note saying that I have social anxiety and post it on my door then folks will leave me alone. LOL!
Monday, July 28, 2008
Mid Day Break Down...
I simply cannot get this song out of my head... I cannot stop listening to it. I try to move on to other songs in my play list and I just simply can't. I feel pulled to this song for some reason. It has me in my office thinking about my better half and how much I am missing him right now.
When Miki sings, "You are a part of every line in every song that I sing, with out you here by my side my words have no meaning, you know that two wrongs never make a right and it means more to me, to have you here in my life, if you still want to be" I feel a strange feeling deep inside, tears begin to well up in my eyes and I find myself fight the feeling so the tears won't flow.
I told my girlfriend that I may need to have my hormones checked because I am not like this, especially over no man... no song has ever made think about someone so hard to where I am at the point of tears. Mhm, maybe it is the feeling of things being in limbo that is upsetting me or maybe I just simply miss him immensely...
I am just feeling kind of lost right now, feels like I can't breathe...
When Miki sings, "You are a part of every line in every song that I sing, with out you here by my side my words have no meaning, you know that two wrongs never make a right and it means more to me, to have you here in my life, if you still want to be" I feel a strange feeling deep inside, tears begin to well up in my eyes and I find myself fight the feeling so the tears won't flow.
I told my girlfriend that I may need to have my hormones checked because I am not like this, especially over no man... no song has ever made think about someone so hard to where I am at the point of tears. Mhm, maybe it is the feeling of things being in limbo that is upsetting me or maybe I just simply miss him immensely...
I am just feeling kind of lost right now, feels like I can't breathe...
Bridezillas
One of the moments I look forward to is 9PM on a Sunday night, getting on the phone with my girlfriend and tuning into Bridezillas on the WETV network. We sit in amusement and in shock at watching brides with a beer, kool aid, or sometimes tap water budget as they attempt to pull off elaborate weddings. They often have nasty attitudes, very demanding of their future spouse and basically anyone with in a five mile radius. In watching this TV show I have been witness to more back fat spilling out of dresses, more boobs and nipples falling out of dresses that were not flattering to that person's shape than I have ever seen in my life.
Last night I was watching one of the blushing brides as she tried to "change" her man and make him into the man she wanted him to be. After seven years of dating she decided that he needed to lose weight (she weighed just as much as he if not more mind you), that he needed to learn table manners and went as far as to get him a etiquette coach. I am the type of person that accepts people for who they are and if I cannot spend my life dealing with something that my better half does, then I let it go and move on because one cannot and should not change another. Needless to say, I was outraged when she started to belittle this man and talk to him like he was a big overgrown toddler man-boy (as my girlfriend put it). She would not only belittle him in private but in front of family, friend and strangers as a way to make him change, or is it that breaking down process before the change? This has been the first time in my LIFE that I was waiting and silently hoping a man would slap the hell out of a female....just slap every last bit of taste out of her mouth. It is not right but she was out of control.
As my girlfriend and I sat in total shock, we both joked that maybe we have to gain an excessive amount of weight, make ourselves "interesting" looking, develop nasty and bitchy attitudes just to pull a husband these days. Though it was just jokes (marriage is low on my list of priorities) realistically I could not do it. I need a MAN who is going to be a MAN. It does not hurt to have someone who is confident in himself as a man and exudes that confidence. It does not hurt to have a man that can put his foot down from time to time. One thing I cannot do is deal with a man that will let me walk all over him for I will surely lose some respect for him as a man.
Though I have zero understanding of why these men let these chics run them like that, I suppose they see something in them that they love. So, such is life and to each his own. I hope the marriages last and I hope no one get choked out before the first anniversary.
Oh and yes I will continue to watch in amusement, amazement and total shock at these woman and their antics.
Last night I was watching one of the blushing brides as she tried to "change" her man and make him into the man she wanted him to be. After seven years of dating she decided that he needed to lose weight (she weighed just as much as he if not more mind you), that he needed to learn table manners and went as far as to get him a etiquette coach. I am the type of person that accepts people for who they are and if I cannot spend my life dealing with something that my better half does, then I let it go and move on because one cannot and should not change another. Needless to say, I was outraged when she started to belittle this man and talk to him like he was a big overgrown toddler man-boy (as my girlfriend put it). She would not only belittle him in private but in front of family, friend and strangers as a way to make him change, or is it that breaking down process before the change? This has been the first time in my LIFE that I was waiting and silently hoping a man would slap the hell out of a female....just slap every last bit of taste out of her mouth. It is not right but she was out of control.
As my girlfriend and I sat in total shock, we both joked that maybe we have to gain an excessive amount of weight, make ourselves "interesting" looking, develop nasty and bitchy attitudes just to pull a husband these days. Though it was just jokes (marriage is low on my list of priorities) realistically I could not do it. I need a MAN who is going to be a MAN. It does not hurt to have someone who is confident in himself as a man and exudes that confidence. It does not hurt to have a man that can put his foot down from time to time. One thing I cannot do is deal with a man that will let me walk all over him for I will surely lose some respect for him as a man.
Though I have zero understanding of why these men let these chics run them like that, I suppose they see something in them that they love. So, such is life and to each his own. I hope the marriages last and I hope no one get choked out before the first anniversary.
Oh and yes I will continue to watch in amusement, amazement and total shock at these woman and their antics.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Just One Of Those Days...
Folks really have me feeling like this today. I really wish people would stop making my job hard as a parent. Every time my daughter decides she wants to throw a tantrum because she can't get her way folks just need to fall back. Don't come over and coo over her, don't try to get her out of the impending ass whipping just fall back and let me be the damn parent because by you allowing her to manipulate her and get her what she wants or give her attention and sympathy you make it harder for me to discipline her.
Personally, I don't do bad ass children, my kids are generally good and it is going to stay that way. So no, Lil Bit does not have a fever, she is not sick, she is not hungry she just needs a good old fashion ass whipping and folks need to stay out of my business and let me handle this.
I have had a long weekend and long day. My family and I just hosted a baby shower of 80 plus people for my cousin. I am done.
Personally, I don't do bad ass children, my kids are generally good and it is going to stay that way. So no, Lil Bit does not have a fever, she is not sick, she is not hungry she just needs a good old fashion ass whipping and folks need to stay out of my business and let me handle this.
I have had a long weekend and long day. My family and I just hosted a baby shower of 80 plus people for my cousin. I am done.
Weekend Rambling...
I am plain tired this weekend has been filled with... stuff. I woke up early in the morning just to clean and do laundry. It was all getting to a level where just looking at the state of my room, bathroom and refrigerator was beginning to trigger my anxiety. Yeah, yeah I know OCDC (for those of you who know me) but hey at least my spot is clean, clean, clean!
For once there is really nothing pressing on my mind... I was out today and once again my mind was else where. It was on him... it is funny how you can be in a room full of people but still feel like there is someone missing.
Any way, this song came on the radio, not only is it one of my favorite songs but I can really resonate with what he is saying right now...Rahsaan Patterson.
For once there is really nothing pressing on my mind... I was out today and once again my mind was else where. It was on him... it is funny how you can be in a room full of people but still feel like there is someone missing.
Any way, this song came on the radio, not only is it one of my favorite songs but I can really resonate with what he is saying right now...Rahsaan Patterson.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Just In A Mood...
I really don't know what is up with me today, I just feel off. Like I don't really feel like myself today. I am not feeling very productive either but I suppose that has everything to do with it being Friday, along with simply just wanting to rest because my next two or three weekends look busy as hell.
Anyway...
I watched the segment on black men last night and my disappointment continues. I can say there was one segment in particular that hit a sore spot with me, it stirred up some repressed feelings and I was crying tears of confusion and anger. I don't know, I think I had different expectations of this documentary. I assumed that it was going to be a documentary that took a realistic and in depth look at the problems we face being black in America and through out the program there would be some sort of resolution proposed. I was wrong.
The segment that angered me in particular was looking at black men not being fathers. Growing up my father was not around and my daughter's father is not around for her. So to watch a father not be accountable for his off spring (s) kind of pissed me off. Though my girlfriend offered a few words of solace I still feel it. Yeah my daughter's father may be missing out but the thing is that she is missing out as well, as a girl's first relationship is with her father and it sets the tone for how her relationships will be in the future.
I know a lot of folks say, it is ok. You are strong you can raise her by yourself blah, blah, blah. I don't want to hear that shyt, for real. It provides me with no comfort and quite frankly when people say that I feel even more pressure than I did before the comment was made. Yeah, I know I am strong for I know ALLLL that I been through but being strong is not everything and just because I am "strong" and I can "raise my daughter by myself" does not make it right. It basically reiterates what my girlfriend was saying last night about folks making excuses and not taking personal responsibility.
Now my boys are good. Though my ex husband was not the most functional husband he was and still is the most excellent father I know. Despite everything we have said and done to each other I can honestly say that I could not have picked a better father for my boys. I don't let a moment pass with out letting him know that he is an excellent father.
On a lighter note...lol...
My girlfriend has been abusing the word incredulous. Now I can't get the damn word out of my head and I will be finding a way to use it all weekend. When folks start threatening me for the excessive use of the word incredulous I am going to dial you number and hand them the phone, because it is your fault.
Anyway...
I watched the segment on black men last night and my disappointment continues. I can say there was one segment in particular that hit a sore spot with me, it stirred up some repressed feelings and I was crying tears of confusion and anger. I don't know, I think I had different expectations of this documentary. I assumed that it was going to be a documentary that took a realistic and in depth look at the problems we face being black in America and through out the program there would be some sort of resolution proposed. I was wrong.
The segment that angered me in particular was looking at black men not being fathers. Growing up my father was not around and my daughter's father is not around for her. So to watch a father not be accountable for his off spring (s) kind of pissed me off. Though my girlfriend offered a few words of solace I still feel it. Yeah my daughter's father may be missing out but the thing is that she is missing out as well, as a girl's first relationship is with her father and it sets the tone for how her relationships will be in the future.
I know a lot of folks say, it is ok. You are strong you can raise her by yourself blah, blah, blah. I don't want to hear that shyt, for real. It provides me with no comfort and quite frankly when people say that I feel even more pressure than I did before the comment was made. Yeah, I know I am strong for I know ALLLL that I been through but being strong is not everything and just because I am "strong" and I can "raise my daughter by myself" does not make it right. It basically reiterates what my girlfriend was saying last night about folks making excuses and not taking personal responsibility.
Now my boys are good. Though my ex husband was not the most functional husband he was and still is the most excellent father I know. Despite everything we have said and done to each other I can honestly say that I could not have picked a better father for my boys. I don't let a moment pass with out letting him know that he is an excellent father.
On a lighter note...lol...
My girlfriend has been abusing the word incredulous. Now I can't get the damn word out of my head and I will be finding a way to use it all weekend. When folks start threatening me for the excessive use of the word incredulous I am going to dial you number and hand them the phone, because it is your fault.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Just Some Thoughts...
I went to consult with an attorney today about my financial situation and though she was saying somethings that were appeasing to me, the realization that this was going to require me to be highly involved hit and I had to take a step back and think... I will be consulting with another attorney tomorrow but at least I have a much better idea of where I stand and what route I need to take in order to be better financially.
My co worker took me out to lunch yesterday, we sat and had a rather enlightening conversation about our government and the foundation that this country was built on (my views are too militant to go into full detail want details, email me...LOL). Some how we got on the subject on being vulnerable and always feeling the need to stay strong through what ever is going on, as always he dropped some serious science on me (yep brought the term out of the vault). Basically he told me that being vulnerable is not an issue it is the people you have around you that is the issue. He said if you have good people around you then they won't exploit you. That was food for thought because as I expressed in a previous post I don't like coming off as vulnerable to people, I hate it. I love talking to him, he seems to put things into perspective.
*Disclaimer: Yes what you are about to read is vague but the message in it still applies to life...
Today I went on a special message board (Not LSN... I love my LSN Crew) to catch up on posting and updates. I came across a few threads that pissed me off royally and it makes me wonder, why say you are grown women yet you proceed to act childish, nasty and petty when things are not the way you want them? Can I just say get some class and a little decorum about yourselves? You hollering about other folks don't have class, well look at this mess here, reread some of the tasteless stuff you wrote then let's talk about folks not having any class.
Shit does not always go the way we want them to, and guess what? That is life so get the fuck over it. I think sometimes when we focus on cutting out what we feel is a cancerous disgrace to our society or situation then we loose focus of the big picture. If it is that serious for you to have things the way you want and there is a person in your way then be strategic but quiet about yours, plan accordingly, lay in wait, put your plan in motion and hope for the best. But DON'T consistently call attention to US, the issue at hand and proceed to do things that are contrary to what is out there in the public. Bottom line life is too short, the shit is not that serious, you all are out of line, grow the hell up and let's move on with business as usual because we have work to do.
Whew I had to get that off my chest...look at this mess, I am all upset, got my neck all hot and sweating.
My co worker took me out to lunch yesterday, we sat and had a rather enlightening conversation about our government and the foundation that this country was built on (my views are too militant to go into full detail want details, email me...LOL). Some how we got on the subject on being vulnerable and always feeling the need to stay strong through what ever is going on, as always he dropped some serious science on me (yep brought the term out of the vault). Basically he told me that being vulnerable is not an issue it is the people you have around you that is the issue. He said if you have good people around you then they won't exploit you. That was food for thought because as I expressed in a previous post I don't like coming off as vulnerable to people, I hate it. I love talking to him, he seems to put things into perspective.
*Disclaimer: Yes what you are about to read is vague but the message in it still applies to life...
Today I went on a special message board (Not LSN... I love my LSN Crew) to catch up on posting and updates. I came across a few threads that pissed me off royally and it makes me wonder, why say you are grown women yet you proceed to act childish, nasty and petty when things are not the way you want them? Can I just say get some class and a little decorum about yourselves? You hollering about other folks don't have class, well look at this mess here, reread some of the tasteless stuff you wrote then let's talk about folks not having any class.
Shit does not always go the way we want them to, and guess what? That is life so get the fuck over it. I think sometimes when we focus on cutting out what we feel is a cancerous disgrace to our society or situation then we loose focus of the big picture. If it is that serious for you to have things the way you want and there is a person in your way then be strategic but quiet about yours, plan accordingly, lay in wait, put your plan in motion and hope for the best. But DON'T consistently call attention to US, the issue at hand and proceed to do things that are contrary to what is out there in the public. Bottom line life is too short, the shit is not that serious, you all are out of line, grow the hell up and let's move on with business as usual because we have work to do.
Whew I had to get that off my chest...look at this mess, I am all upset, got my neck all hot and sweating.
Black In America...
I have been keeping up with this documentary since it first started airing on CNN in June. I found the first segment which gave us an in depth look at Martin Luther King, his death and the Civil Rights Movement and I must say I was rather engulfed (I love black history).
When advertisements for last night's segment began airing I got excited for they were going to look at life of the black family and the black woman. My girlfriend and I sat up last night on the phone and watched the segment together (as we do with every TV show) and in speaking for myself I was rather disappointed.
The segment was not what I expected and though I know they can fit only but so much in a two hour time period there were some stories in there that could have been included in tonight's segment, Black In America: The Black Man.
I would not venture to say that what was shown placed a negative out look on black women in America but I feel some serious and growing issues that we are dealing with were greatly over looked, ie; mental health issues, reproductive health issues, sexual abuse etc;
I am going to watch tonight's segment and hopefully my outlook will change. This one thing I will say though... I am not against spoken word but dude doing spoken word between each section of last nights segment was highly irritating and I felt he took away from the seriousness of the that segment of the documentary. I HOPE he is not on tonight's segment for real.
When advertisements for last night's segment began airing I got excited for they were going to look at life of the black family and the black woman. My girlfriend and I sat up last night on the phone and watched the segment together (as we do with every TV show) and in speaking for myself I was rather disappointed.
The segment was not what I expected and though I know they can fit only but so much in a two hour time period there were some stories in there that could have been included in tonight's segment, Black In America: The Black Man.
I would not venture to say that what was shown placed a negative out look on black women in America but I feel some serious and growing issues that we are dealing with were greatly over looked, ie; mental health issues, reproductive health issues, sexual abuse etc;
I am going to watch tonight's segment and hopefully my outlook will change. This one thing I will say though... I am not against spoken word but dude doing spoken word between each section of last nights segment was highly irritating and I felt he took away from the seriousness of the that segment of the documentary. I HOPE he is not on tonight's segment for real.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
GRRRRRRRRRRRR
For the last two weeks I have not been able to sleep. Even though at this moment I am tired as sin is bad, yet I still cannot lay down and go to sleep and when I do it is not a restful sleep. I suppose I can say the things I have been trying to deal with and work through has had an impact on my sleep patterns but it is just starting to piss me off now. Prior to this I had just began to sleep just fine, no issues at all and I had rather restful nights of sleep too...
Anyway...
I am watching the Jazmine Sullivan video 'Need U Bad' as I sit and listen to the lyrics I can honestly say that I am feeling her on that. It is funny how someone grows on you to the point where it feels like they are literally a part of you and for them to not be there with you any more just makes it feel like you want to exhale but you can't or like you want your heart to stop beating as to not feel the strain and pain anymore. I know my better half (the best way I can refer to him) and I have been going through some things as far as trying to define the dynamics of our relationship, which cause some great pain, upset and frustration on both parts. None the less it seems as though we are working through the issues, misunderstandings and frustration.
In away I had to tame my dysfunctional nonchalant side which can easily kick in with out warning. I already have a low level of tolerance and when I hit my limit I go into automatic what ever, kiss my ass mode (the hurt feelings get me later) or I may act like I don't care when I am literally dying inside. I suppose that is my way of saving face and not letting on that I am being affected by that person or that I am vulnerable at that moment.
For me a vulnerable moment is expressing fear of losing him or not really wanting him to go and having the fear that he will leave. A true vulnerable moment is expressing my deepest feelings, especially if there is a chance they will be examined like a specimen under a microscope, only to be thoroughly picked a part and shunned for all of the flaws that were discovered.
I hate being vulnerable and exposed to people who know me personally. I don't know why... maybe it is the social expectation that black women are supposed to be strong, not cry but endure the storm with a silent strength and move on. Ok, Ok I also have a great sense of pride as well... but it seems as though God has put some things in place that is breaking my pride into pieces. Like my co worker has told me numerous times, "pride is a very expensive thing"and I'll be damned he is right. LOL!
It seems the older I get the more I learn, not just about myself as a person but life. I just need to try harder at not learning things the hard way... while my sister was rocking my daughter (who was determined to stay up) to sleep tonight she told her , " You are beautiful, extremely smart, strong, you have a strong will and you are highly stubborn just like your mother, the spitting image of her personality" mmmmmm I suppose she maybe right and if that reigns true I just hope and pray my baby take a different path than I did. I want her to walk her own path and I pray that it is not as turbulent nor as painful as mines has been. That would surely break my heart.
Now my boys they will be ok... just need to stay away from these fast ass lil girls. LOL!
Anyway...
I am watching the Jazmine Sullivan video 'Need U Bad' as I sit and listen to the lyrics I can honestly say that I am feeling her on that. It is funny how someone grows on you to the point where it feels like they are literally a part of you and for them to not be there with you any more just makes it feel like you want to exhale but you can't or like you want your heart to stop beating as to not feel the strain and pain anymore. I know my better half (the best way I can refer to him) and I have been going through some things as far as trying to define the dynamics of our relationship, which cause some great pain, upset and frustration on both parts. None the less it seems as though we are working through the issues, misunderstandings and frustration.
In away I had to tame my dysfunctional nonchalant side which can easily kick in with out warning. I already have a low level of tolerance and when I hit my limit I go into automatic what ever, kiss my ass mode (the hurt feelings get me later) or I may act like I don't care when I am literally dying inside. I suppose that is my way of saving face and not letting on that I am being affected by that person or that I am vulnerable at that moment.
For me a vulnerable moment is expressing fear of losing him or not really wanting him to go and having the fear that he will leave. A true vulnerable moment is expressing my deepest feelings, especially if there is a chance they will be examined like a specimen under a microscope, only to be thoroughly picked a part and shunned for all of the flaws that were discovered.
I hate being vulnerable and exposed to people who know me personally. I don't know why... maybe it is the social expectation that black women are supposed to be strong, not cry but endure the storm with a silent strength and move on. Ok, Ok I also have a great sense of pride as well... but it seems as though God has put some things in place that is breaking my pride into pieces. Like my co worker has told me numerous times, "pride is a very expensive thing"and I'll be damned he is right. LOL!
It seems the older I get the more I learn, not just about myself as a person but life. I just need to try harder at not learning things the hard way... while my sister was rocking my daughter (who was determined to stay up) to sleep tonight she told her , " You are beautiful, extremely smart, strong, you have a strong will and you are highly stubborn just like your mother, the spitting image of her personality" mmmmmm I suppose she maybe right and if that reigns true I just hope and pray my baby take a different path than I did. I want her to walk her own path and I pray that it is not as turbulent nor as painful as mines has been. That would surely break my heart.
Now my boys they will be ok... just need to stay away from these fast ass lil girls. LOL!
Bed Time Ramblings...
For some reason I can't sleep and I just feel like I am in that mood. You know? That I don't give a fuck mood, the kind of mood where you roll out middle fingers up yelling, "FUCK THE WORLD! AND ALL KISS MY ASS!" kind of mood.
I don't know I have been experiencing a high level of general frustration mixed in with sexual frustration. The man that I am "seeing" and I kind got into it today and it lasted up until tonight. It is something about a tiff, argument, or fight that ignites that flame inside. Maybe it is the passion coming through via the frustration, anger and confusion that makes make up sex the best sex...
Anyway I need to move on... the way my schedule is looking Lord knows how long it will be before I get that again. In the last few months I put a lot on the back burner just so I could filter my energy into the relationship and now that we are laxed, I am beginning to realize how much I have missed.
So many Folks have expressed how much they have missed me and missed kicking it with me that I might be spending the rest of this summer making up for lost time. There is nothing like just kicking it with that cool as person that knows everything there is to know about you. I miss doing the fun things like being out late at night, on a deserted road or quiet street and just simply dancing in the middle of the street with the headlights of my friend's car acting as a spot light on us. If the rains came that made the moment much more fun... I miss those times...
My little sister just got a new car, she had to take her old one out back and shoot it. It kind of hurt because we both had fond memories of the things we did in her car...LOL! Like when she ran over her ex boyfriend. Awww man I am about to send my daughter away for a weekend so we can roll out in her new ride and christen it... my sister is crazy so Lord knows what we are going to get into. LOL!
Good time, good time indeed.
I don't know I have been experiencing a high level of general frustration mixed in with sexual frustration. The man that I am "seeing" and I kind got into it today and it lasted up until tonight. It is something about a tiff, argument, or fight that ignites that flame inside. Maybe it is the passion coming through via the frustration, anger and confusion that makes make up sex the best sex...
Anyway I need to move on... the way my schedule is looking Lord knows how long it will be before I get that again. In the last few months I put a lot on the back burner just so I could filter my energy into the relationship and now that we are laxed, I am beginning to realize how much I have missed.
So many Folks have expressed how much they have missed me and missed kicking it with me that I might be spending the rest of this summer making up for lost time. There is nothing like just kicking it with that cool as person that knows everything there is to know about you. I miss doing the fun things like being out late at night, on a deserted road or quiet street and just simply dancing in the middle of the street with the headlights of my friend's car acting as a spot light on us. If the rains came that made the moment much more fun... I miss those times...
My little sister just got a new car, she had to take her old one out back and shoot it. It kind of hurt because we both had fond memories of the things we did in her car...LOL! Like when she ran over her ex boyfriend. Awww man I am about to send my daughter away for a weekend so we can roll out in her new ride and christen it... my sister is crazy so Lord knows what we are going to get into. LOL!
Good time, good time indeed.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Mid Day Ramblings...
My girlfriend says that, "men are nuts." I prefer to say that they are rather interesting creatures. Often time I sit, observe and wonder exactly what is their motivation for doing some of the things they do, especially when it comes to dealing with us females.
I have met some that are rather sweet and kind just like one of my co workers who comes into my office every morning to see how I am doing. He never misses an opportunity to rave about how much he loves my smile and how it brightens his day to see my smile in the morning.
Then it seems like some men just lay in wait for that perfect spot to open up so they think they can come in for the kill. Tisk, tisk... Lord please forgive them for they not know what it is they do. :sigh:
I received a phone call a few minutes ago from another co worker. He was literally playing on my phone as to take the edge off of the current situation we are trying to resolve (so I let the phone play pass). Jokingly he said, "Yeah I bet you thought I was your man." and in my sarcastic way I mumbled, "I really don't have a man." he asked me to repeat myself and I changed the subject, besides I did not and was not about to explain how we decided to just date one another opposed to being in a relationship at this time. For a moment I figured he did not hear my sarcastic remark and had his mind focused on getting this situation resolved, or so I thought.
No less than ten minutes later I get another phone call, it was him of course. We discussed what needed to be done and before we got off the phone he says, "Watch what you say." I ask, "What are you talking about?" then he quips back, "Let me find out you are single and I will be up there in 20 minutes." then we burst into laughter and he suddenly stops laughing and say, "You think I am playing..." I quickly ended that phone call, that was a discussion that I was not going to have and he was not someone I was going to have it with. I mean dang do they smell singleness in their air?
Then there are those men who have silent crushes... giggling... I am not even going to touch that one...
Then there is the man who is confused and conflicted. He know what he want but he just does not feel that he is ready to give up what ever it is that he feels he needs to give up in order to have the woman he wants in the manner he wants her. It's not like he does not care but he won't allow for himself to go further with his feelings. Getting so caught up in it and thinking, hoping that just because he is loved by her that is enough to make her stay for as long as he wants with out having to bend a little.
I have been in that place with someone that I had a very lengthy relationship with and to this day he tries to sell me a dream I don't even want to share with him by vowing to move back here just so he can marry me and undo all the wrong he did when we were together by treating me like he should have been treating me all along. Wow, negative.
Call me cold hearted if you want but some people just don't realize that a person has their limits male or female and they will only take so much before the feeling of not being cherished and the realization that one must move on with life with out that person they love sets in.
Could that be how people lose love?
I have met some that are rather sweet and kind just like one of my co workers who comes into my office every morning to see how I am doing. He never misses an opportunity to rave about how much he loves my smile and how it brightens his day to see my smile in the morning.
Then it seems like some men just lay in wait for that perfect spot to open up so they think they can come in for the kill. Tisk, tisk... Lord please forgive them for they not know what it is they do. :sigh:
I received a phone call a few minutes ago from another co worker. He was literally playing on my phone as to take the edge off of the current situation we are trying to resolve (so I let the phone play pass). Jokingly he said, "Yeah I bet you thought I was your man." and in my sarcastic way I mumbled, "I really don't have a man." he asked me to repeat myself and I changed the subject, besides I did not and was not about to explain how we decided to just date one another opposed to being in a relationship at this time. For a moment I figured he did not hear my sarcastic remark and had his mind focused on getting this situation resolved, or so I thought.
No less than ten minutes later I get another phone call, it was him of course. We discussed what needed to be done and before we got off the phone he says, "Watch what you say." I ask, "What are you talking about?" then he quips back, "Let me find out you are single and I will be up there in 20 minutes." then we burst into laughter and he suddenly stops laughing and say, "You think I am playing..." I quickly ended that phone call, that was a discussion that I was not going to have and he was not someone I was going to have it with. I mean dang do they smell singleness in their air?
Then there are those men who have silent crushes... giggling... I am not even going to touch that one...
Then there is the man who is confused and conflicted. He know what he want but he just does not feel that he is ready to give up what ever it is that he feels he needs to give up in order to have the woman he wants in the manner he wants her. It's not like he does not care but he won't allow for himself to go further with his feelings. Getting so caught up in it and thinking, hoping that just because he is loved by her that is enough to make her stay for as long as he wants with out having to bend a little.
I have been in that place with someone that I had a very lengthy relationship with and to this day he tries to sell me a dream I don't even want to share with him by vowing to move back here just so he can marry me and undo all the wrong he did when we were together by treating me like he should have been treating me all along. Wow, negative.
Call me cold hearted if you want but some people just don't realize that a person has their limits male or female and they will only take so much before the feeling of not being cherished and the realization that one must move on with life with out that person they love sets in.
Could that be how people lose love?
Phoenix Rising
I love this picture...
In a brief conversation with a friend this weekend I had expressed that I feel as though I have literally hit rock bottom with in certain situations I am currently dealing with and my good friend said, "If that is the case then there is no where to go but up." which is very true as I have found a resolution and will be putting everything in place with in the next few weeks. It finally feels like I am making great progress.
As for my heart... I am not too sure. We have decided to just "date" each other before making another attempt at being in a serious relationship, which is perfectly fine with me at this point. It is not that I don't want to be with him. I do love him and I love spending time with him but right now I have some things that greatly need my attention and focus. In knowing myself if I continue to struggle with these issues the way I have been then there is no way I would allow for myself to go but so far with someone romantically.
My stance is no matter how much you try to shelter your better half from the things going on in your little world at some point in time it will begin to effect that person, maybe not directly but it will effect that person and that is not fair to him in the slightest. If that day should come where he feels ready for something more serious and I am still trying to get a handle on this mess then things will go no further. I swear life and bull shyt, life and bull shyt.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Passing It On...
I am just passing on some information that was emailed to me yesterday. For anyone who is in a relationship, whether married, engaged or dating there is a project that is being conducted in the DC Area with the purpose of enhancing the knowledge of what a healthy relationship is and to strengthen existing African American relationships. It is a paid study so what could it really hurt to participate? For more information please see the flyer below...
If the flyer is hard to see...
For more information and to learn how to participate,
contact Noelle Dunson, MSW, Project Coordinator
202-806-8328 or 202-806-8212 OR ndunson@howard.edu
Saturday, July 19, 2008
OOOOO WEEEEE! What a SNAHFOOO!
LMAO! I think I might have accidentally opened up a can of worms... how? Black Planet is how. I have had a profile on this monstrosity of a "networking" website since 2001. When I realized it was a place to go if you simply wanted to just get laid, I abandoned the website and have not visited since donkey was a boy, however my page still remains. Yes, I know for shame!
Every now and then I will get alerts for notes, page logs and occasional alerts letting me know my guest book was signed. From time to time I will log in to clear this stuff out, change my alert option for the fifty millionth and one time and then go on about my business only to forget about the sites existence until the next alert comes into my inbox.
Wellll the last time I logged into clear all of my notes a birthday alert for an old friend caught my eye, which sparked my curiosity to just look at his page and see how he has been doing all these years. You know? Secret Squirrel shit, or so I thought. Apparently BP has this new thing called a page log so, if I am logged in and visit some one's page then they can just go to their log and see that I was allll over their spot, this is exactly what this person did, in addition to following it up with a note.
The note is not the issue, the person who sent the note and the circumstance behind why I stopped speaking to him is the issue. The fact that he has never accepted my not wanting to move forth with a relationship, and has always been riddled with would of , should of, could ofs is the issue. Shoot, the fact that I choose not to hear explanation (for the millionth time!) about how he and I were in the midst of developing something, yet he and his best friend ended up having a threesome with an extremely close relative of mine is the issue.
LOL! "I didn't know it was her until the lights came on!" Ummmmm, yeah bruh you did because she told me everything.
It's all good... there are only two ways he can reach me and phone is not one of them. I know when/if I go "checking up" on folks I need to be more careful. However, this whole thing is sooooo funny.
My snahfoo for the year...
Hold up! How old am I? *Checking drivers license* yeah like I thought too old for this... I must delete that damn page.
Every now and then I will get alerts for notes, page logs and occasional alerts letting me know my guest book was signed. From time to time I will log in to clear this stuff out, change my alert option for the fifty millionth and one time and then go on about my business only to forget about the sites existence until the next alert comes into my inbox.
Wellll the last time I logged into clear all of my notes a birthday alert for an old friend caught my eye, which sparked my curiosity to just look at his page and see how he has been doing all these years. You know? Secret Squirrel shit, or so I thought. Apparently BP has this new thing called a page log so, if I am logged in and visit some one's page then they can just go to their log and see that I was allll over their spot, this is exactly what this person did, in addition to following it up with a note.
The note is not the issue, the person who sent the note and the circumstance behind why I stopped speaking to him is the issue. The fact that he has never accepted my not wanting to move forth with a relationship, and has always been riddled with would of , should of, could ofs is the issue. Shoot, the fact that I choose not to hear explanation (for the millionth time!) about how he and I were in the midst of developing something, yet he and his best friend ended up having a threesome with an extremely close relative of mine is the issue.
LOL! "I didn't know it was her until the lights came on!" Ummmmm, yeah bruh you did because she told me everything.
It's all good... there are only two ways he can reach me and phone is not one of them. I know when/if I go "checking up" on folks I need to be more careful. However, this whole thing is sooooo funny.
My snahfoo for the year...
Hold up! How old am I? *Checking drivers license* yeah like I thought too old for this... I must delete that damn page.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Ownership
Yesterday I had to sit down and explain everything to my Father. I had to tell him everything that was going on from A to Z. I have been avoiding that moment because I did not want to deal with his disappointment. It is bad enough that I am beating myself up therefore I really don't need someone elses disappointment on top of my own personal disappointment ( I am harder on myself than any one could ever be).
Surprisingly disappointment was not what I was met with. He was extremely worried and concerned. All he could worry about was preserving things for the future so I will not continue with struggling with these things. Then the realization that my mother did not teach me everything I needed to know about the fundamentals of life during his ten year absence set in. Though I could not argue with his revelation, I reassured him that though I am upset and stressed that everything indeed will be ok.
My father being the man that he is, immediately wanted to help and his suggestions were quite extreme, at this moment the child had to teach the parent. I had to gently tell him, "No." I explained to him that I cannot allow for him to help me in any kind of way because in the long run it is going to put more stress on him and it is really not helping me. I had to explain to him that this is something I have to take ownership of and work my way out of it. No matter which route I have to take, I have to put on my big girl panties and take that route along with what ever consequences come along with it.
Reluctantly he agreed that I was right and he said he was glad that I am going about resolving this issue in a responsible adult manner and that seeking advice from people who get paid to advise on these issues was smart.
Now that I at least have a hold on things I feel some what better. I just pray that this is the latter part of the storm.
Surprisingly disappointment was not what I was met with. He was extremely worried and concerned. All he could worry about was preserving things for the future so I will not continue with struggling with these things. Then the realization that my mother did not teach me everything I needed to know about the fundamentals of life during his ten year absence set in. Though I could not argue with his revelation, I reassured him that though I am upset and stressed that everything indeed will be ok.
My father being the man that he is, immediately wanted to help and his suggestions were quite extreme, at this moment the child had to teach the parent. I had to gently tell him, "No." I explained to him that I cannot allow for him to help me in any kind of way because in the long run it is going to put more stress on him and it is really not helping me. I had to explain to him that this is something I have to take ownership of and work my way out of it. No matter which route I have to take, I have to put on my big girl panties and take that route along with what ever consequences come along with it.
Reluctantly he agreed that I was right and he said he was glad that I am going about resolving this issue in a responsible adult manner and that seeking advice from people who get paid to advise on these issues was smart.
Now that I at least have a hold on things I feel some what better. I just pray that this is the latter part of the storm.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
This Is Some REAL Rambling
An irrational moment... I have had a many irrational moments and I am feeling like this is one of them...
My job has been begging for my group to send one of us over to Iraq for HR purposes and I have so considered saying, "Hey, ok. I will go." I have considered transferring and moving to another place far away where I can start over fresh, where no one knows my name. I even considered packing up my truck and taking the kids and just leaving. Realistically it is possible but due to certain aspects of my life it is not very realistic and since I am going through a lot of things right now it is all out of sheer emotion, which makes it to me irrational.
Anyway...
I am so tired of having these moments when I am ok then the moments when I am not ok. I just wish I can get through the day with out having to close the door to my office just so I can cry. I am not crying just because he and I are no longer together, or because financially I am on the border line of ruins, not because it seems as though I am about to lose what little I have left, not because I am pissed with myself for being in this current situations ( love, financial etc;), not because I have my children in a situation I wish they were not in but it is because I am simply tired. I'm too old for this shit, I'm too old to be going through all these extra changes... I just feel like I am done...
It is really funny how two people I know have told me that I think I have all the answers or how I think I know everything...LOL! LOL! Do they really know how far off they are? Especially considering that I consistently second guess myself. Shit, if I had all the dayum answers then my life would not be in the state that it is in. Oh and let's not forget that I am a control freak but in reality I have control of NOTHING, nothing at alll... my hands are tied with in every situation and all I can do is cry during the middle of the day and at night after my daughter goes to sleep.
Night times are so much worse because watching my daughter sleep just makes the pain I already feel much worse. All I can do is stare down at her innocence and let the tears flow as I apologize to her for things not being the way they should be.
Gosh, if people took a much closer look then maybe just maybe they would actually get a clue.
Yeah like I said, "the things I think but just don't say."
My job has been begging for my group to send one of us over to Iraq for HR purposes and I have so considered saying, "Hey, ok. I will go." I have considered transferring and moving to another place far away where I can start over fresh, where no one knows my name. I even considered packing up my truck and taking the kids and just leaving. Realistically it is possible but due to certain aspects of my life it is not very realistic and since I am going through a lot of things right now it is all out of sheer emotion, which makes it to me irrational.
Anyway...
I am so tired of having these moments when I am ok then the moments when I am not ok. I just wish I can get through the day with out having to close the door to my office just so I can cry. I am not crying just because he and I are no longer together, or because financially I am on the border line of ruins, not because it seems as though I am about to lose what little I have left, not because I am pissed with myself for being in this current situations ( love, financial etc;), not because I have my children in a situation I wish they were not in but it is because I am simply tired. I'm too old for this shit, I'm too old to be going through all these extra changes... I just feel like I am done...
It is really funny how two people I know have told me that I think I have all the answers or how I think I know everything...LOL! LOL! Do they really know how far off they are? Especially considering that I consistently second guess myself. Shit, if I had all the dayum answers then my life would not be in the state that it is in. Oh and let's not forget that I am a control freak but in reality I have control of NOTHING, nothing at alll... my hands are tied with in every situation and all I can do is cry during the middle of the day and at night after my daughter goes to sleep.
Night times are so much worse because watching my daughter sleep just makes the pain I already feel much worse. All I can do is stare down at her innocence and let the tears flow as I apologize to her for things not being the way they should be.
Gosh, if people took a much closer look then maybe just maybe they would actually get a clue.
Yeah like I said, "the things I think but just don't say."
Thinking, Thinking, Thinking
I am up starring at the ceiling not being able to fall into a deep slumber. His email response keeps rolling through my head. I try not to think that he said what he said to manipulate me but knowing what I know, knowing the truth about his real feelings makes it hard not to feel that way. Yet, my mind won't stop wandering as I go back and reread his response, I can't help but think about last weekend.
We were just watching a very good movie. Chillin, talking it was nice. I went there with no intention of being intimate, mostly because the last time I was left feeling unstable, vulnerable and insecure. It was clear that my "me" issues were clearly rearing its ugly head. I hate feeling that way and if it meant to forgo being intimate then that I would do.
I tried to fight it but, but its just something about him that makes me, weak. We ended up in that same place again but this time it was really different for me. I can't explain it but it was, just different. All I could think about as I looked at him was, "My God, I love this man more than he could ever know." a sweet moment it was. I figured I mine as well not rationalize it but enjoy the moment for afterwards the reality that this man that I love dearly does not in the slightest love me will eventually set in... not like I have never been here before.
Confusion sets in when days later he leaves his roll as my man... I can't be mad at him for his honestly. I find that very admirable, yet it still hurts, feels like a part of me has been surgically removed, like a match made in heaven but it cannot be. Though I seemed ok, I knew this moment would come, that moment when I am alone with just me and my thoughts. As my thoughts set in, then comes the feelings, the memories which brings in the pain, then comes the flow of tears which leads to the heart ache.
Often times I wonder if my heart stopped beating will that aching pain that being love sick brings go away...
We were just watching a very good movie. Chillin, talking it was nice. I went there with no intention of being intimate, mostly because the last time I was left feeling unstable, vulnerable and insecure. It was clear that my "me" issues were clearly rearing its ugly head. I hate feeling that way and if it meant to forgo being intimate then that I would do.
I tried to fight it but, but its just something about him that makes me, weak. We ended up in that same place again but this time it was really different for me. I can't explain it but it was, just different. All I could think about as I looked at him was, "My God, I love this man more than he could ever know." a sweet moment it was. I figured I mine as well not rationalize it but enjoy the moment for afterwards the reality that this man that I love dearly does not in the slightest love me will eventually set in... not like I have never been here before.
Confusion sets in when days later he leaves his roll as my man... I can't be mad at him for his honestly. I find that very admirable, yet it still hurts, feels like a part of me has been surgically removed, like a match made in heaven but it cannot be. Though I seemed ok, I knew this moment would come, that moment when I am alone with just me and my thoughts. As my thoughts set in, then comes the feelings, the memories which brings in the pain, then comes the flow of tears which leads to the heart ache.
Often times I wonder if my heart stopped beating will that aching pain that being love sick brings go away...
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Bed Time Ramblings...
I am tired and when I get tired any thing goes...
Last night I had talked to a very good friend who I will refer to as the Minister because that is what this person is... we sat, talked and I spilled everything from deep feelings, hurt, anger, and pain all the way to tears. As always he just sat and listened, was quiet for a few minutes then gave me a word to stand on. I realized during our conversation that we have been friends for many years and through out our friendship he has seen me at my worst moments, my lowest of low moments, my most dramatic moments (acting a monkey doodle fool!), he has seen sides of me that I don't allow for others to see, yet he has never judged me or thought any less of me. He may have held me accountable for some of the things I have said or done but he has never done it in away to where I have felt like I was a child being scolded; and in the end he always made it known that he does not love me any less just because he had to put me in my place. LOL! There have been times he prayed for me and over me. Trying to say I got demons inside of me? LOL! I thank God that I have a friend like that in my circle.
Anyway...
I am on the phone with my girlfriend watching Run's House and this commercial for lap band surgery comes on. As I am crunching on pop corn I informed my girlfriend that I am going to get lap band surgery. As always she asked me, "Why?!" and I say, "because I am fat... did you not just see me up close and personal?" and then she says, "Oh Lady, you're not fat.... you just big boned."
For those of you who watched Celebrity Fit Club Dr. Ian killed that theory of being big boned. Nice try Boo Boo. It's all good I am having one of my I don't feel pretty days... along with feeling a little rejected but I digress... I'll be ok... eventually.
Guilty Pleasures...
I LOVE B. SCOTT
B. Scott runs a gossip blog where he reports on the latest fashions and the juiciest gossip. I am a girly girl but I am not that much of a girly girl when it comes to juicy gossip, however I do find his postings of leaked albums and singles to be very good. The thing I love most are his Youtube videos, he is very funny but aside from being funny and entertaining he is inspirational. Yes! I am addicted to this man! I need a twelve step program about now.
Look below at my favorite B. Scoot videos and yes Rashad he has the geigh...
Last night I had talked to a very good friend who I will refer to as the Minister because that is what this person is... we sat, talked and I spilled everything from deep feelings, hurt, anger, and pain all the way to tears. As always he just sat and listened, was quiet for a few minutes then gave me a word to stand on. I realized during our conversation that we have been friends for many years and through out our friendship he has seen me at my worst moments, my lowest of low moments, my most dramatic moments (acting a monkey doodle fool!), he has seen sides of me that I don't allow for others to see, yet he has never judged me or thought any less of me. He may have held me accountable for some of the things I have said or done but he has never done it in away to where I have felt like I was a child being scolded; and in the end he always made it known that he does not love me any less just because he had to put me in my place. LOL! There have been times he prayed for me and over me. Trying to say I got demons inside of me? LOL! I thank God that I have a friend like that in my circle.
Anyway...
I am on the phone with my girlfriend watching Run's House and this commercial for lap band surgery comes on. As I am crunching on pop corn I informed my girlfriend that I am going to get lap band surgery. As always she asked me, "Why?!" and I say, "because I am fat... did you not just see me up close and personal?" and then she says, "Oh Lady, you're not fat.... you just big boned."
For those of you who watched Celebrity Fit Club Dr. Ian killed that theory of being big boned. Nice try Boo Boo. It's all good I am having one of my I don't feel pretty days... along with feeling a little rejected but I digress... I'll be ok... eventually.
Guilty Pleasures...
I LOVE B. SCOTT
B. Scott runs a gossip blog where he reports on the latest fashions and the juiciest gossip. I am a girly girl but I am not that much of a girly girl when it comes to juicy gossip, however I do find his postings of leaked albums and singles to be very good. The thing I love most are his Youtube videos, he is very funny but aside from being funny and entertaining he is inspirational. Yes! I am addicted to this man! I need a twelve step program about now.
Look below at my favorite B. Scoot videos and yes Rashad he has the geigh...
Distractions, Distractions
One thing I noticed about myself it that I keep myself super busy. Well, now I am super busy because I am dealing with somethings and trying to get my life back in order. Out side of my current situation I would look for things to keep me super busy, to keep my calender full so I would not have time to sit and think about the things that I want but don't/can't have and are waiting to obtain, or to not have to feel the pain of a love lost (my heart is aching), or to not even focus on issues that need constant attention and have gotten out of control.
I suppose that is why I am in the mess that I am in now... distractions. I suppose that I need to find a better way to deal with my issues and feelings because I can make myself real busy I can fill in every block on my calender and go from one event to the next, one task to the next some times everything all at once.
I just can't do that any more... I am so tired. I am getting to old for this shit for real.
I suppose that is why I am in the mess that I am in now... distractions. I suppose that I need to find a better way to deal with my issues and feelings because I can make myself real busy I can fill in every block on my calender and go from one event to the next, one task to the next some times everything all at once.
I just can't do that any more... I am so tired. I am getting to old for this shit for real.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Rants, Conspiracy Theories and Pet Peeves
In my place of employment we don't have a cafeteria nor do we have a little shop that sells good quality snacks. The place that is available to us is expensive as hell, closes early, sells stale food and if you get something off the grill you mine as well grab an individual packet of Pepto Bismol tablets that are conveniently located next to the cash register. Outside of driving up the street to the 7-11 up the street there is the office vending machine.
That bootleg ass machine has taken enough of my money and as much as I vow to never go to it again I cannot help it because it is so close to my office. I considered speaking to the vending machine man but when I saw him coming in to refill the machine and collect my hard earned money from his bootleg machines, I thought damn look at this brutha working hard let me give his ass a break. After the last few purchases turned up stale and/or expired I say, fuck that! Today he had the nerve to raise everything in the vending machine by $.10. Now I see why his ass comes into the building looking shifty eyed and shook because I want to kick his ass for that.
LOL! By my calculation he owes me all of $2, now I know you all are saying, Lady $2? You can't even get a pack of gum for $2. Well, happy meals at McDonald is $1 and some change on Tuesdays and Thursdays and Walmart has them for the same price on Mondays and Wednesdays, that could be two weeks worth of Happy Meals for my daughter. I will be waiting on his ass next week.
Moving on...
I hate using public restrooms but sometimes you have to go before you hit the road. It is not good when you get stuck in traffic and have been drinking tea and water all day long and not having gone before one leaves work (trust me I know). Well, to make myself ok with using the public bathroom there is only one stall that I use. How about every body and their Momma decided to leave work at the same time thus hit the bathroom at the same time and the heffa that was in front of me took my stall.
So, I had to use the first available one which someone had just finished using. Those that know me know I do not, do not like to go into a bathroom stall right after anyone else because some ladies are just... simply put, funky and I can't handle that. So I go into the stall and of course it was not pleasant. I vowed to hold it no matter how much my bladder felt like it was going to burst.
Well, today I reneged on that and when I got to my stall some one had left it unclean... I was pissed. Thank God I have a good rapport with the cleaning lady maybe I can get her to leave a cloth and some cleaner in a secret compartment for when I come up on such moments again, because that shit is crazy. What grown ass woman would leave pee on the toilet seat is beyond me.
Now I am watching cartoons with my daughter and I see some things that irritate me. Let's take Max and Ruby. Ruby's little brother Max gets into everything and all I can think about when I watch this cartoon is that lil boy needs an ass whipping. Now, let's look at Dora the Explorer, Swipper the Fox or as my daughter calls him Swipper the Fuk (I am trying to help her with her annunciation).
Ok, so when Swipper comes you are supposed to extend your hand and say "Swipper no swiping" three times to make him stop and go away, if he swipes your stuff then he basically throws it away some where. As I sit here watching this, I am thinking someone just needs to punch the shit out of that fox or break his hands and I bet he won't be doing no swiping again.
Violent, yes I know it is. I am beginning to think that my being raise in a violent home is beginning to manifest itself. None the less I don't express these feelings in front of my daughter, for her nickname to be Tyson at age two I should not add fuel to flames that are some what tamed by expressing my violent ideas on how I feel these cartoon characters should really handle these type of sticky and irritating situations.
On9now Toons-Family Guy: Family Guy: Stewie Beats up Brian!
This is one of my favorite clips. LOL! Gotta love Stewie.
That bootleg ass machine has taken enough of my money and as much as I vow to never go to it again I cannot help it because it is so close to my office. I considered speaking to the vending machine man but when I saw him coming in to refill the machine and collect my hard earned money from his bootleg machines, I thought damn look at this brutha working hard let me give his ass a break. After the last few purchases turned up stale and/or expired I say, fuck that! Today he had the nerve to raise everything in the vending machine by $.10. Now I see why his ass comes into the building looking shifty eyed and shook because I want to kick his ass for that.
LOL! By my calculation he owes me all of $2, now I know you all are saying, Lady $2? You can't even get a pack of gum for $2. Well, happy meals at McDonald is $1 and some change on Tuesdays and Thursdays and Walmart has them for the same price on Mondays and Wednesdays, that could be two weeks worth of Happy Meals for my daughter. I will be waiting on his ass next week.
Moving on...
I hate using public restrooms but sometimes you have to go before you hit the road. It is not good when you get stuck in traffic and have been drinking tea and water all day long and not having gone before one leaves work (trust me I know). Well, to make myself ok with using the public bathroom there is only one stall that I use. How about every body and their Momma decided to leave work at the same time thus hit the bathroom at the same time and the heffa that was in front of me took my stall.
So, I had to use the first available one which someone had just finished using. Those that know me know I do not, do not like to go into a bathroom stall right after anyone else because some ladies are just... simply put, funky and I can't handle that. So I go into the stall and of course it was not pleasant. I vowed to hold it no matter how much my bladder felt like it was going to burst.
Well, today I reneged on that and when I got to my stall some one had left it unclean... I was pissed. Thank God I have a good rapport with the cleaning lady maybe I can get her to leave a cloth and some cleaner in a secret compartment for when I come up on such moments again, because that shit is crazy. What grown ass woman would leave pee on the toilet seat is beyond me.
Now I am watching cartoons with my daughter and I see some things that irritate me. Let's take Max and Ruby. Ruby's little brother Max gets into everything and all I can think about when I watch this cartoon is that lil boy needs an ass whipping. Now, let's look at Dora the Explorer, Swipper the Fox or as my daughter calls him Swipper the Fuk (I am trying to help her with her annunciation).
Ok, so when Swipper comes you are supposed to extend your hand and say "Swipper no swiping" three times to make him stop and go away, if he swipes your stuff then he basically throws it away some where. As I sit here watching this, I am thinking someone just needs to punch the shit out of that fox or break his hands and I bet he won't be doing no swiping again.
Violent, yes I know it is. I am beginning to think that my being raise in a violent home is beginning to manifest itself. None the less I don't express these feelings in front of my daughter, for her nickname to be Tyson at age two I should not add fuel to flames that are some what tamed by expressing my violent ideas on how I feel these cartoon characters should really handle these type of sticky and irritating situations.
On9now Toons-Family Guy: Family Guy: Stewie Beats up Brian!
This is one of my favorite clips. LOL! Gotta love Stewie.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Senseless Ramblings...
At this present time it seems as though my life is in shambles. I placed emphasis on the word seems because most times when I look at things from what I see they tend to look a whole lot worse than what they really are. Never the less God is really good. He always works things out for my benefit and I believe the things that have happened through out the day were exactly that, for my benefit.
It is amazing how people come in and out of your life at a whim. As I am in the midst of going through things I have been thinking more about the people I have around me and whether they add to my issues, offer support or are just oblivious. LOL!
I have to say that God has done a release of some one who once played a key roll in my life. Though I should feel real sad or hurt I am not. It is not to say they were a bad person because they weren't. It is not to say that I don't love them or care less for them, that is simply not the case. I just really needed the time and energy that I was putting into that person, into that situation to start clearing up and working through the things I have to work through, especially since I felt as though I could not come to this person to just talk or to seek some sort of wisdom or guidance.
Most say, people come into your life for reason, season or life time and if things are meant to be then they will be... so we will see how things will go and how everything will flow.
Anyway, I am sitting here watching the television show Intervention. I noticed that there are very few black people on this show. I mean our people have addiction problems just like people of other races. My girlfriend and I have had this conversation a few times and she has told me it is because black people don't put their business out there like that, which I do agree with her; but come one now we can get on reality TV and fight one another over an ugly man or woman but we can't get on TV to get some form of help for our personal issues?
I don't know someone help me understand the concept. Please?
It is amazing how people come in and out of your life at a whim. As I am in the midst of going through things I have been thinking more about the people I have around me and whether they add to my issues, offer support or are just oblivious. LOL!
I have to say that God has done a release of some one who once played a key roll in my life. Though I should feel real sad or hurt I am not. It is not to say they were a bad person because they weren't. It is not to say that I don't love them or care less for them, that is simply not the case. I just really needed the time and energy that I was putting into that person, into that situation to start clearing up and working through the things I have to work through, especially since I felt as though I could not come to this person to just talk or to seek some sort of wisdom or guidance.
Most say, people come into your life for reason, season or life time and if things are meant to be then they will be... so we will see how things will go and how everything will flow.
Anyway, I am sitting here watching the television show Intervention. I noticed that there are very few black people on this show. I mean our people have addiction problems just like people of other races. My girlfriend and I have had this conversation a few times and she has told me it is because black people don't put their business out there like that, which I do agree with her; but come one now we can get on reality TV and fight one another over an ugly man or woman but we can't get on TV to get some form of help for our personal issues?
I don't know someone help me understand the concept. Please?
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Hustlin, Hustlin
Since our once wonderful economy has taken a down turn with the last eight or seven years people have been taking on second jobs (side hustles) or starting their own side businesses. Considering my present situation I am looking into a side hustle, for the life of me I can't seem to decide on exactly what I want or can do, considering child care is slim after core business hours. Ok, and to pull the rug from underneath my sarcastic friend who reads this here blog, hitting the street corner and selling trim is not an option.
Anyway, what are your side hustles? I would love to hear your stories and suggestions. Is your side hsutle something that you would love to do?
As always one of my lovely friends sent me a link to a blog aimed at helping the sistas on their journey to become more finanically savvy , take a look see when you get a chance.
I love this clip...it is funny however not appropriate for the work place so turn ya speakers down.
Anyway, what are your side hustles? I would love to hear your stories and suggestions. Is your side hsutle something that you would love to do?
As always one of my lovely friends sent me a link to a blog aimed at helping the sistas on their journey to become more finanically savvy , take a look see when you get a chance.
I love this clip...it is funny however not appropriate for the work place so turn ya speakers down.
Genuine Concern or Not...
Yeah, I do have a lot on my mind today but like I said in the first posting of this blog, "I feel some kind of way about certain things." and people who express concern and who offer a shoulder for one to lean on then turn around and complain about it or the nature of the issue is one of them.
Once again, why ask? If you don't want to be bogged down by the goings on in others lives then don't inquire. When that person refuses to speak of their challenges, why force them to talk to you when you could care less? Just give a general word of encouragement then leave it alone.
I will use myself as an example...
Right now my life is not a mess but things are out of order, I am working through some things, shit keeps on happening, I am stressed and I have some people in my life that despite all those facts they add on to it all.
In the midst of it all I have a friend who always tells me that they are "here for me" or they make it seem as though they can be of some sort of emotional support during this period. Not to say they have not been there, they were doing alright...until we had a conversation and in the midst of the conversation they took the time to tell me that every time they talk to me there is something going on, some thing dramatic. Even in previous conversations they stated that certain aspects of my life were just too much. Ok, so why ask what's going on? Why tell me you are here for me when that is something you particularly are not or maybe just really don't want to do?
Well, every action has a reaction and by displaying that confiding in them was bothersome it has caused me to alienate myself, more so as far as mentioning what is going on in my life. In away it validates the feeling of being alone and not having really any one who understands or cares but I digress...
Granted there are those people who take on the issues of other and all I can say is stop it. LOL! I care about people a lot and some I care for more than I should but I have learned the hard way that my roll in a person's life is to be a support. Anyone can come to me with anything, say anything and I won't say anything I will just listen. Ok, some times I might give words of encouragement but I will forgo giving advice unless asked for. For the most part people just want to air their concerns to someone else, they just want to be heard. They are not asking for me to come and solve their issues, they are not asking for my help but they are asking for my ear, maybe a word, for me just to be silent and be there, or for prayer etc; so when I leave that conversation I leave the issues with the rightful owner.
I think people tend to do things out of courtesy and/ or obligation depending on the relationship or situation. My thing has always been, say what you really feel because it will eventually come out through your actions. Don't bull shit folks especially when you can't recognize a reformed bull shitter.
Let me go before some other things comes to mind that will really make me go off. LOL!
Once again, why ask? If you don't want to be bogged down by the goings on in others lives then don't inquire. When that person refuses to speak of their challenges, why force them to talk to you when you could care less? Just give a general word of encouragement then leave it alone.
I will use myself as an example...
Right now my life is not a mess but things are out of order, I am working through some things, shit keeps on happening, I am stressed and I have some people in my life that despite all those facts they add on to it all.
In the midst of it all I have a friend who always tells me that they are "here for me" or they make it seem as though they can be of some sort of emotional support during this period. Not to say they have not been there, they were doing alright...until we had a conversation and in the midst of the conversation they took the time to tell me that every time they talk to me there is something going on, some thing dramatic. Even in previous conversations they stated that certain aspects of my life were just too much. Ok, so why ask what's going on? Why tell me you are here for me when that is something you particularly are not or maybe just really don't want to do?
Well, every action has a reaction and by displaying that confiding in them was bothersome it has caused me to alienate myself, more so as far as mentioning what is going on in my life. In away it validates the feeling of being alone and not having really any one who understands or cares but I digress...
Granted there are those people who take on the issues of other and all I can say is stop it. LOL! I care about people a lot and some I care for more than I should but I have learned the hard way that my roll in a person's life is to be a support. Anyone can come to me with anything, say anything and I won't say anything I will just listen. Ok, some times I might give words of encouragement but I will forgo giving advice unless asked for. For the most part people just want to air their concerns to someone else, they just want to be heard. They are not asking for me to come and solve their issues, they are not asking for my help but they are asking for my ear, maybe a word, for me just to be silent and be there, or for prayer etc; so when I leave that conversation I leave the issues with the rightful owner.
I think people tend to do things out of courtesy and/ or obligation depending on the relationship or situation. My thing has always been, say what you really feel because it will eventually come out through your actions. Don't bull shit folks especially when you can't recognize a reformed bull shitter.
Let me go before some other things comes to mind that will really make me go off. LOL!
Matters of The Heart...
Sometimes it is hard to not let insecurities get the best of me. It feels like I am in a fight with myself; my emotions, fighting my mind, that's fighting my heart, that's trying to gain intuition as an ally but in the grand scheme of things intuition is playing off of insecurity. So where does that leave me? All messed up. I know.
In away it is so easy to say love is a gamble so just go with the flow but having experienced where the flow can go, where it can take you, all the nights of crying, many days of hurting, trying not to call, trying not to think about the time you two did this and how wonderful things were like when things were like this. Trying not to wonder, what the hell happened? Where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong? Was it something I said or did? What is wrong with me? Internalizing everything, thinking you are working through the pain but it is only sitting, festering and eating away at what used to be a what ever type person, that person I truly want to be again.
Some may say just enjoy this moment, life it too short, enjoy the ride but come on now in reality it is all just a waste of my time. To think about the things I could have been doing while messing around with this person, while being under the impression that everything was ok, that we were really cool, our relationship was progressing and growing. I suppose I am damned if I do and damned if I don't, no matter what happens the pain is not going to be less or more.
My hands are tied... in reality I have zero control over anything except for me. All I can do is pray to God that this man does not hurt me, that he shows me how to go with the flow and protect a scarred heart at the same time. That he makes it so I am wise but also allows for me to look at this man through a different pair, a fresh set of eyes. Cleanse my heart so I don't feel the pain of the past, give me peace so I can be that what ever girl I used to be, walking around with an ok, I don't care, what ever mentality.
I suppose as time goes on we will see what things will come to past and what will truly be. Until then I suppose I will go with this flow, either way as a person all it will do is make me evolve and grow.
In away it is so easy to say love is a gamble so just go with the flow but having experienced where the flow can go, where it can take you, all the nights of crying, many days of hurting, trying not to call, trying not to think about the time you two did this and how wonderful things were like when things were like this. Trying not to wonder, what the hell happened? Where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong? Was it something I said or did? What is wrong with me? Internalizing everything, thinking you are working through the pain but it is only sitting, festering and eating away at what used to be a what ever type person, that person I truly want to be again.
Some may say just enjoy this moment, life it too short, enjoy the ride but come on now in reality it is all just a waste of my time. To think about the things I could have been doing while messing around with this person, while being under the impression that everything was ok, that we were really cool, our relationship was progressing and growing. I suppose I am damned if I do and damned if I don't, no matter what happens the pain is not going to be less or more.
My hands are tied... in reality I have zero control over anything except for me. All I can do is pray to God that this man does not hurt me, that he shows me how to go with the flow and protect a scarred heart at the same time. That he makes it so I am wise but also allows for me to look at this man through a different pair, a fresh set of eyes. Cleanse my heart so I don't feel the pain of the past, give me peace so I can be that what ever girl I used to be, walking around with an ok, I don't care, what ever mentality.
I suppose as time goes on we will see what things will come to past and what will truly be. Until then I suppose I will go with this flow, either way as a person all it will do is make me evolve and grow.
What's On Your Mind??
Or, what are you thinking about? Those are just few questions that I hate of some one to ask me. Like I said in my first post, I am a quiet storm, a silent observer of everyone and everything around me and will speak my mind when the space, opportunity and proper forum presents itself.
Half the time people who ask these questions really don't want to know nor are they able to handle what real thoughts are rolling through my head. So why ask? Why be the cat that gets killed by curiousity?
This afternoon I was chilling with my friend who asked me what I was thinking about and I said, "not much." but in reality the song 'You're Body's Here With me (But Your Mind Is On the Other Side of Town) by the Ojays was consistently rolling in my head. I could not get it out of my head, it was stuck. I could just imagine the extensive conversation that would have occured had I divulged that bit of information. After all my mind was not there, my mind was on all that I need to do and how little time I have to do it in and quite frankly that explaination would have thoroughly pissed him off, so I just chose to avoid a train wreck.
Maybe I am over reacting, maybe I feel this way because I in no way like for people to question me... however I know there are some questions people hate to be asked, so what are yours? Speak on it Folks!
Half the time people who ask these questions really don't want to know nor are they able to handle what real thoughts are rolling through my head. So why ask? Why be the cat that gets killed by curiousity?
This afternoon I was chilling with my friend who asked me what I was thinking about and I said, "not much." but in reality the song 'You're Body's Here With me (But Your Mind Is On the Other Side of Town) by the Ojays was consistently rolling in my head. I could not get it out of my head, it was stuck. I could just imagine the extensive conversation that would have occured had I divulged that bit of information. After all my mind was not there, my mind was on all that I need to do and how little time I have to do it in and quite frankly that explaination would have thoroughly pissed him off, so I just chose to avoid a train wreck.
Maybe I am over reacting, maybe I feel this way because I in no way like for people to question me... however I know there are some questions people hate to be asked, so what are yours? Speak on it Folks!
The First
Where to start, where to start? Well I am a single mother of three beautiful children that is doing what most every one in this world is trying to do, make it and survive. I work, go to school, raise kids among many other things basically my life is full and some times a little crazy but most of my hard work and energy is filtered into trying to make my life balanced and quiet. I am a quiet storm to put it best... I either don't say much or I don't say anything at all. I will sit observe or tolerate all that can and try to work through a situation to the best of my ability before the thunder bolts start striking and the heavy down pour of rain comes.
I was not going to entertain the thought of creating and maintaining a public blog, however a good friend changed my mind. This friend is an aspiring sports writer and for what ever reason he inspires me to write. Some times that inspirations tends to feel more like pressure, but it is all good. From the first time I met him he always seemed to be the type of person that had high expectations of others... yet I still love him anyway. ;)
What to expect from this blog? I have to admit I am working through some personal things, feeling some kind of way about a few things, so you will get a glimpse of the inner, inner part of my life and thoughts, you know? The thoughts that I would keep to myself opposed to saying them to people. Just to be courteous and give a fair warning, I tend to babble and ramble some entries may take you on a mental roller coaster and leave you saying WTF? What can I say? It is that Gemini in me.
Anyway Folks, sit back, strap on your seat belts because we are about to go for a ride. Enjoy!
I was not going to entertain the thought of creating and maintaining a public blog, however a good friend changed my mind. This friend is an aspiring sports writer and for what ever reason he inspires me to write. Some times that inspirations tends to feel more like pressure, but it is all good. From the first time I met him he always seemed to be the type of person that had high expectations of others... yet I still love him anyway. ;)
What to expect from this blog? I have to admit I am working through some personal things, feeling some kind of way about a few things, so you will get a glimpse of the inner, inner part of my life and thoughts, you know? The thoughts that I would keep to myself opposed to saying them to people. Just to be courteous and give a fair warning, I tend to babble and ramble some entries may take you on a mental roller coaster and leave you saying WTF? What can I say? It is that Gemini in me.
Anyway Folks, sit back, strap on your seat belts because we are about to go for a ride. Enjoy!
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