Ownership

Yesterday I had to sit down and explain everything to my Father. I had to tell him everything that was going on from A to Z. I have been avoiding that moment because I did not want to deal with his disappointment. It is bad enough that I am beating myself up therefore I really don't need someone elses disappointment on top of my own personal disappointment ( I am harder on myself than any one could ever be).

Surprisingly disappointment was not what I was met with. He was extremely worried and concerned. All he could worry about was preserving things for the future so I will not continue with struggling with these things. Then the realization that my mother did not teach me everything I needed to know about the fundamentals of life during his ten year absence set in. Though I could not argue with his revelation, I reassured him that though I am upset and stressed that everything indeed will be ok.

My father being the man that he is, immediately wanted to help and his suggestions were quite extreme, at this moment the child had to teach the parent. I had to gently tell him, "No." I explained to him that I cannot allow for him to help me in any kind of way because in the long run it is going to put more stress on him and it is really not helping me. I had to explain to him that this is something I have to take ownership of and work my way out of it. No matter which route I have to take, I have to put on my big girl panties and take that route along with what ever consequences come along with it.

Reluctantly he agreed that I was right and he said he was glad that I am going about resolving this issue in a responsible adult manner and that seeking advice from people who get paid to advise on these issues was smart.

Now that I at least have a hold on things I feel some what better. I just pray that this is the latter part of the storm.