GRRRRRRRRRRRR

For the last two weeks I have not been able to sleep. Even though at this moment I am tired as sin is bad, yet I still cannot lay down and go to sleep and when I do it is not a restful sleep. I suppose I can say the things I have been trying to deal with and work through has had an impact on my sleep patterns but it is just starting to piss me off now. Prior to this I had just began to sleep just fine, no issues at all and I had rather restful nights of sleep too...

Anyway...

I am watching the Jazmine Sullivan video 'Need U Bad' as I sit and listen to the lyrics I can honestly say that I am feeling her on that. It is funny how someone grows on you to the point where it feels like they are literally a part of you and for them to not be there with you any more just makes it feel like you want to exhale but you can't or like you want your heart to stop beating as to not feel the strain and pain anymore. I know my better half (the best way I can refer to him) and I have been going through some things as far as trying to define the dynamics of our relationship, which cause some great pain, upset and frustration on both parts. None the less it seems as though we are working through the issues, misunderstandings and frustration.

In away I had to tame my dysfunctional nonchalant side which can easily kick in with out warning. I already have a low level of tolerance and when I hit my limit I go into automatic what ever, kiss my ass mode (the hurt feelings get me later) or I may act like I don't care when I am literally dying inside. I suppose that is my way of saving face and not letting on that I am being affected by that person or that I am vulnerable at that moment.

For me a vulnerable moment is expressing fear of losing him or not really wanting him to go and having the fear that he will leave. A true vulnerable moment is expressing my deepest feelings, especially if there is a chance they will be examined like a specimen under a microscope, only to be thoroughly picked a part and shunned for all of the flaws that were discovered.

I hate being vulnerable and exposed to people who know me personally. I don't know why... maybe it is the social expectation that black women are supposed to be strong, not cry but endure the storm with a silent strength and move on. Ok, Ok I also have a great sense of pride as well... but it seems as though God has put some things in place that is breaking my pride into pieces. Like my co worker has told me numerous times, "pride is a very expensive thing"and I'll be damned he is right. LOL!

It seems the older I get the more I learn, not just about myself as a person but life. I just need to try harder at not learning things the hard way... while my sister was rocking my daughter (who was determined to stay up) to sleep tonight she told her , " You are beautiful, extremely smart, strong, you have a strong will and you are highly stubborn just like your mother, the spitting image of her personality" mmmmmm I suppose she maybe right and if that reigns true I just hope and pray my baby take a different path than I did. I want her to walk her own path and I pray that it is not as turbulent nor as painful as mines has been. That would surely break my heart.

Now my boys they will be ok... just need to stay away from these fast ass lil girls. LOL!