This Is Some REAL Rambling

An irrational moment... I have had a many irrational moments and I am feeling like this is one of them...

My job has been begging for my group to send one of us over to Iraq for HR purposes and I have so considered saying, "Hey, ok. I will go." I have considered transferring and moving to another place far away where I can start over fresh, where no one knows my name. I even considered packing up my truck and taking the kids and just leaving. Realistically it is possible but due to certain aspects of my life it is not very realistic and since I am going through a lot of things right now it is all out of sheer emotion, which makes it to me irrational.

Anyway...

I am so tired of having these moments when I am ok then the moments when I am not ok. I just wish I can get through the day with out having to close the door to my office just so I can cry. I am not crying just because he and I are no longer together, or because financially I am on the border line of ruins, not because it seems as though I am about to lose what little I have left, not because I am pissed with myself for being in this current situations ( love, financial etc;), not because I have my children in a situation I wish they were not in but it is because I am simply tired. I'm too old for this shit, I'm too old to be going through all these extra changes... I just feel like I am done...

It is really funny how two people I know have told me that I think I have all the answers or how I think I know everything...LOL! LOL! Do they really know how far off they are? Especially considering that I consistently second guess myself. Shit, if I had all the dayum answers then my life would not be in the state that it is in. Oh and let's not forget that I am a control freak but in reality I have control of NOTHING, nothing at alll... my hands are tied with in every situation and all I can do is cry during the middle of the day and at night after my daughter goes to sleep.

Night times are so much worse because watching my daughter sleep just makes the pain I already feel much worse. All I can do is stare down at her innocence and let the tears flow as I apologize to her for things not being the way they should be.

Gosh, if people took a much closer look then maybe just maybe they would actually get a clue.

Yeah like I said, "the things I think but just don't say."