Matters of The Heart...

Sometimes it is hard to not let insecurities get the best of me. It feels like I am in a fight with myself; my emotions, fighting my mind, that's fighting my heart, that's trying to gain intuition as an ally but in the grand scheme of things intuition is playing off of insecurity. So where does that leave me? All messed up. I know.

In away it is so easy to say love is a gamble so just go with the flow but having experienced where the flow can go, where it can take you, all the nights of crying, many days of hurting, trying not to call, trying not to think about the time you two did this and how wonderful things were like when things were like this. Trying not to wonder, what the hell happened? Where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong? Was it something I said or did? What is wrong with me? Internalizing everything, thinking you are working through the pain but it is only sitting, festering and eating away at what used to be a what ever type person, that person I truly want to be again.

Some may say just enjoy this moment, life it too short, enjoy the ride but come on now in reality it is all just a waste of my time. To think about the things I could have been doing while messing around with this person, while being under the impression that everything was ok, that we were really cool, our relationship was progressing and growing. I suppose I am damned if I do and damned if I don't, no matter what happens the pain is not going to be less or more.

My hands are tied... in reality I have zero control over anything except for me. All I can do is pray to God that this man does not hurt me, that he shows me how to go with the flow and protect a scarred heart at the same time. That he makes it so I am wise but also allows for me to look at this man through a different pair, a fresh set of eyes. Cleanse my heart so I don't feel the pain of the past, give me peace so I can be that what ever girl I used to be, walking around with an ok, I don't care, what ever mentality.

I suppose as time goes on we will see what things will come to past and what will truly be. Until then I suppose I will go with this flow, either way as a person all it will do is make me evolve and grow.