Thinking, Thinking, Thinking

I am up starring at the ceiling not being able to fall into a deep slumber. His email response keeps rolling through my head. I try not to think that he said what he said to manipulate me but knowing what I know, knowing the truth about his real feelings makes it hard not to feel that way. Yet, my mind won't stop wandering as I go back and reread his response, I can't help but think about last weekend.

We were just watching a very good movie. Chillin, talking it was nice. I went there with no intention of being intimate, mostly because the last time I was left feeling unstable, vulnerable and insecure. It was clear that my "me" issues were clearly rearing its ugly head. I hate feeling that way and if it meant to forgo being intimate then that I would do.

I tried to fight it but, but its just something about him that makes me, weak. We ended up in that same place again but this time it was really different for me. I can't explain it but it was, just different. All I could think about as I looked at him was, "My God, I love this man more than he could ever know." a sweet moment it was. I figured I mine as well not rationalize it but enjoy the moment for afterwards the reality that this man that I love dearly does not in the slightest love me will eventually set in... not like I have never been here before.

Confusion sets in when days later he leaves his roll as my man... I can't be mad at him for his honestly. I find that very admirable, yet it still hurts, feels like a part of me has been surgically removed, like a match made in heaven but it cannot be. Though I seemed ok, I knew this moment would come, that moment when I am alone with just me and my thoughts. As my thoughts set in, then comes the feelings, the memories which brings in the pain, then comes the flow of tears which leads to the heart ache.

Often times I wonder if my heart stopped beating will that aching pain that being love sick brings go away...